Elizabeth opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling of her bedroom. The bed covers were hugged tightly to her chest like a safety blanket. The room was completely dark, and she could barely make out the separate features surrounding her. The dark ceiling seemed to be closer and closer every time she stared at it and she had to blink and take a deep breath before assuring herself it hadn't moved. The only sound she heard was their breathing - hers fast and loud in her ears, his slow and calm. The silence suffocated her and she wanted nothing more than to scream out loud, just to hear noise, but she knew it would wake her sleeping companion.
This was the latest in a long string of nights Elizabeth had spent wide awake. It wasn't because of her large intake of coffee during the day and it wasn't because her mind was thinking about the pile of reports on her desk still to be read. The reason she was still awake and watching the ceiling was because of nightmares. Oddly, she wasn't the one having nightmares.
She twisted under the covers until she was facing John. Elizabeth felt his warm breath on her face and his cold feet touching hers and shivered. He was peaceful now but she knew it could change at any moment. After his nightmares John would always shrug her off and leave her quarters, only returning after hours had passed. She could never get back to sleep after watching him pull away. Now she couldn't get to sleep at all as she waited for the inevitable.
Elizabeth held her breath as John's eyes crunched up tight. A low moan sent more shivers down her back and she watched him writhe around. It pained her to watch when she couldn't do anything to help. She'd tried to wake him up after a nightmare once and he'd accidentally kicked her off of the bed. She hadn't been hurt but he'd barely spoken to her for two weeks after that, too guilty to even look at her. Elizabeth had quickly learnt to let him wake up on his own, no matter how much it hurt. Now, she jumped as he cried out and she pushed herself away from him as he kicked and pushed the covers away. John always slept shirtless and his chest was currently slick with sweat. His muscles constricted painfully and he groaned again. A sickening scream tore from his lips and John sprang up, awake and breathing rapidly. Elizabeth could almost feel his heart racing. She sat up and placed a hand on his shoulder and winced as she felt him shaking under her touch.
"John?" She whispered in the darkness.
Just like the previous nights he shrugged away from her touch. Pulling back the twisted covers, he placed both feet flat on the floor. John hunched over and let his head fall into his hands as he waited for his heartbeat to slow down.
"Go back to sleep," he whispered back before pushing himself off the bed. Feeling slightly frustrated, she watched him pull on some clothes and then silently exit the room. She dropped her head back on her pillow and sighed. Elizabeth didn't know where John went after his nightmares; she presumed he went running, but he never returned until the morning and never explained his absences.
She didn't know how long they could keep going like this.
Elizabeth jolted awake at the sound of the bedroom door closing. Her eyes snapped open and she saw John standing by the bed, ripping off his t-shirt.
"Sorry I woke you," he spoke without even a glance in her direction. How he always knew when she was awake she'd never know.
"It's okay," she answered softly as she tilted her head towards the alarm clock on her bedside table. "I have to be up in half an hour anyway."
He nodded and silently stepped across the room and in to the bathroom. A second later she heard the shower running. Wearily, she climbed out of bed and pulled her dressing gown on, wrapping it around her waist tightly and following John into the bathroom. Taking a stance at the sink, she looked up into the foggy mirror and watched John's reflection as he showered. He always set it on the highest heat and washed quickly and efficiently before standing for ages and letting the scalding water pound his skin. She'd once seen him spend half an hour under the spray. He always knew when she was staring at him and now he turned to meet her eyes.
"What?" He asked over the noise of the shower. She shook her head and turned back to the sink to begin her morning routine.
She was fully dressed when John finally emerged from the shower, a towel wrapped round his waist and dripping with water. At any other time she'd ogle all the exposed flesh, but not today. Elizabeth sat on the end of the bed and watched him as he pulled the towel off and dried himself with it.
"What?" He asked again.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
He frowned, picked up his tags from the table and dropped them over his head. "Talk about what?"
She tilted her head and raised an eyebrow, speaking forcefully, "You know what. Do you want to talk about what's making you wake up screaming in the middle of the night?" At first he didn't reply and she wondered if he'd even listened to her. She waited for an answer as he put on boxers and then standard-issue pants.
"No," he said a moment later as he pulled on a simple black t-shirt.
"No what?" She shook her head in confusion.
"No I don't want to talk about it." He walked to the bed and lifted his foot onto the end.
She placed a hand on his bare foot. "John."
"I'm dealing with it," he said before she could continue. He clipped on his thigh holster before slipping his foot out from under her hand and laying it back on the floor.
"How?" He didn't answer her, but grabbed socks from a nearby draw and shoved them on quickly. Seemingly finished with the conversation, he moved silently over to the door where he'd left his boots.
"I want to help you John."
"I don't need help."
"When are you going to open up to me John?" He met her pleading eyes and they stared at each other, neither willing to look away and admit defeat.
"I don't need help," he repeated with emphasis. Elizabeth closed her eyes and looked away, giving John an excuse to leave the room. She sighed loudly and flopped backwards on the bed.
Their relationship had begun casually. They would meet up for food and the occasional video evening, but suddenly they were spending all their free time together. The two relaxed in each other's company and would talk for hours. Elizabeth remembered one rainy afternoon when she'd told him her entire life story. He'd sat and listened to the whole thing patiently, asking questions to get her to reveal even more. He'd talk about himself occasionally but mostly he shared stories about his team's exploits - How McKay had annoyed him or the latest gossip on the Beckett/Cadman romance.
Soon their friendship turned from flirtatious to tense, as both were too hesitant to begin anything that could possibly ruin the easy companionship. Their resolve crumbled one night after an incident in the city left over thirty personnel injured and five dead. They took comfort in each other's arms, but instead of finding it awkward it felt right to be together. A month later John had practically moved in with her. He'd kept his bedroom "just in case," but all his clothes were folded away in her bedroom and his toiletries sat on the sink next to hers.
They'd seen no point in hiding it from the rest of the expedition and had revealed their relationship early on. Most people had been delighted by the news. A few, like Kavanaugh, had complained till blue in the face, summoning a hundred reasons why it was a completely bad idea.
That was six months ago: When they'd had amazing sex, play hooky in the middle of the day so he could show her a new amazing part of the city, or take dinner back to their quarters and snuggle up on the bed to watch DVDs on his laptop.
When they'd been happy.
Elizabeth wasn't sure when it had all changed. She suspected that it had happened so gradually that she hadn't even noticed. The nightmares had become more regular, especially after tough missions. Making love had turned into emotionless sex as they both sought what they wanted and nothing more, and uncomfortable silence filled the room afterwards.
During mission briefings, when he was with his team, he was the same "I-have-a-quip for-every-circumstance" smirking Lt. Colonel. But when they were alone, his quips felt hollow and forced, possibly a defence to stop her from asking too many questions. He put no effort into making her laugh, there were no afternoon visits to her office to distract her from the banality of paperwork, and there was no saving her the last piece chocolate cake from the mess.
Was he pulling away from her? Was this his way of ending it? Making her suffer until she couldn't take it anymore and left him? Had it been so long since either of them had had a relationship that they didn't know how to live with another person or had they been together long enough to wear out their relationship? She didn't know and she certainly didn't know how to try and fix it.
"Dr. Weir?" a voice called through her radio and Elizabeth was pulled from her deep thoughts.
"Yes?"
"Are you coming to the briefing?" She winced as she realised she'd forgotten about her early morning meeting.
"I'll be right there." Her relationship troubles would have to wait. She had work to do.
Elizabeth pushed the soggy cereal around the bowl with the spoon. Her stomach had betrayed her after the briefing and she'd made her way the mess for a quick breakfast before the next meeting. As soon as the food was in front of her, she found she wasn't hungry anymore.
Lost in contemplation of her cereal, she didn't hear the footsteps as they neared her table.
"Elizabeth?"
Her head snapped up at the sound of her name and she smiled as Kate Heightmeyer sat down with her own tray.
"Kate," she greeted.
"Couldn't help but notice you sitting here on your own." Kate scanned the room quickly, "Where's John?"
"We're not joined at the hip you know." Elizabeth put on her best "everything's fine" smile.
Kate tilted her head to one side as she studied her friend. She placed her hand over Elizabeth's and squeezed comfortingly. "You want to talk about it?" She asked.
Elizabeth opened her mouth, ready to decline, and then stopped herself. If she didn't talk about it she was just as bad as John. Maybe talking with someone would help her find a way to sort things out. "Not here," she answered, scanning the busy room for eaves droppers.
"I have the whole afternoon free, my office after lunch?"
Elizabeth nodded firmly, picking up her tray and rising from the table. "See you later." She said goodbye and then left.
She barely got any work done as her mind ran through what she was going to say to Kate and how to hide it from John. He didn't like public displays of affection, let alone someone else knowing their private business. Hence, she definitely didn't think he'd appreciate Kate knowing about his nightmares. But what was she supposed to do? Live with the situation as it was? Lie in bed night after night waiting for the next nightmare, barely getting any sleep? Carson was already pestering her about the bags under her eyes.
Their relationship had reached breaking point and she had two options. Release the pressure and find a way to fix the problems or give up and walk away. But no matter how he had treated her recently she loved him, and Elizabeth wasn't going let him slip through her fingers.
She took a deep breath and braced herself as she waved her hand over the door crystals. They whooshed open. Kate looked up from her desk and smiled.
"Come in," she greeted, standing up from her desk and moving to the chairs. Elizabeth didn't move from the doorway. "Elizabeth?" Kate questioned, firming Elizabeth's resolve. She stepped into the room and felt the doors close behind her. She moved towards the chairs and sat down opposite Kate. Her eyes instantly drifted to the windows and the impressive view of the city. "Nice isn't it?" Kate spoke as she watched Elizabeth. "You don't want to know what I had to do to get this office," her lip quirked into a smile.
Elizabeth turned back to her friend. "I don't know how to do this," she blurted. "I mean, I don't know what to say."
"That's okay," Kate nodded in understanding. "Not many people who visit me do." When Elizabeth stayed silent Kate smiled reassuringly and spoke up, "Most people find it easiest to start at the beginning."
"The beginning?" Kate gave half a shrug and Elizabeth's mind replayed the last few months as she tried to place the exact moment when things had started to disintegrate.
"Take your time."
"It's not that…I can't…The reason I'm here is because of John and I know that if he found out I was here talking about him he wouldn't be happy."
"Whatever you say will stay between us, I promise."
"Okay," she nodded and clasped her hands together tightly.
"Has he done something? Said something?"
Elizabeth took a deep breath before answering. "He's been having nightmares," she began. "Horrific nightmares. They wake him up screaming every night."
"Do they wake you up?"
Elizabeth nodded. "At the beginning. Now I can't get to sleep at all. It's hard to…when you know what's coming." She crossed her legs and wrapped her arms around her waist, hugging herself for warmth and comfort.
"What happens after he wakes?"
"He leaves with barely a word, comes back in the morning and tries to pretend nothing's wrong."
"Have you tried talking about it?" Kate queried.
Elizabeth laughed hollowly at the thought. "Too many times to count, he doesn't want to know, doesn't want to talk about it," she sighed. "Things have been slowly getting worse between us. Uncomfortable, forced, like neither of us wants to be the one to call it quits…. so we just keep going, even though it's slowly killing both of us."
"Do you want to end the relationship?"
Elizabeth's head snapped up. "What? No!" She shook her head vehemently. "I love him," she admitted.
"Does he know?"
Elizabeth nodded. "He knows, I tell him everyday."
"What about John? Does he reciprocate?"
Elizabeth shook her head. "He's never said it back. Sometimes, sometimes I think he's about to….something in his eyes makes me think he wants to say it but then he backs out at the last minute."
"Do you know much about his previous relationships?"
"Nothing before Atlantis, he doesn't talk about himself much. Doesn't volunteer anything. I have to prod him with questions. The few women he's been with since Atlantis were all one night stands. As far as I know this is the longest relationship he's had."
Kate pursed her lips. "I have to ask," she began.
"How's the sex?" Elizabeth guessed and they laughed softly. "It's always been good," she answered honestly. "Except it's now quick and rough, all about reaching that point. When we were first together we'd spend ages tracing each other's bodies." Elizabeth blushed as she forced herself to talk about their more private moments. "We both wanted to make it last as long as possible, give each other as much pleasure as possible." She blushed even more, feeling her face heat up and she suddenly felt embarrassed. She turned her head back towards the window, giving herself a moment to regain her composure. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be," Kate replied quickly.
"Sometimes," Elizabeth began again, her gaze still firmly on the city, "Sometimes it feels like he's doing it on purpose, that he's trying to drive me away." As her eyes began to burn with hot tears, she swallowed hard and blinked a few times. "And that hurts, and I don't know how to help him, don't know how to get him to open up. He says he's dealing with it but it's obvious he's not. I'm scared to think what will happen to him if he doesn't talk about it. Scared I'm going to lose him." She wiped the wetness with the back of her hand and sniffed loudly. She took a couple of tissues when Kate offered them to her.
"It's perfectly normal to feel this way," Kate started. "And I suggest you come see me regularly. There seems to be quite a bit we haven't touched upon." Elizabeth nodded faintly. "In the meantime I want you take some time for yourself. Take the rest of the day off and collect your thoughtsl. Then maybe you'll be able to tell John how you feel; keeping all of this inside isn't doing you any good. It's only fair that he knows where you stand, knows his options. Ask him to come see me."
"I'll try."
"Make sure he knows that you're there for him and that opening up is not going to scare you away. He could be scared you're going to leave, and as a result is bottling up his feelings."
"You think?"
"I've been working with the military for nearly ten years now and one of the most common reason couples divorce is because one of them has experienced things the other will never understand. As a military man he's seen and done things…he's killed. And as a former anti-war advocate he may think you might not understand his decisions, might not be able to grasp what he's been though. He probably thinks you'll leave him if you knew the real him."
The real him? Had she not met the real him? Had he been hiding the entire time? Hiding behind a layer of sarcasm and quips? Elizabeth knew he'd killed, she'd read it in reports and she shivered at the thought. She didn't like to think of him as a killer, and it was easy to forget it when he was gentle with her. But recently the gentleness in his eyes had turned to a darkness.
It didn't matter to her if he'd killed people as long as he stayed the warm, cheerful man she'd fallen in love with. He'd always been able to make her forget about the horrors in the universe with just a smile. If he could make her forget, why couldn't she make him forget?
"Elizabeth?" Kate asked, concerned.
Elizabeth looked up at Kate and gave her a weak but reassuring smile. "Thank you."
Kate nodded, "You're welcome." Elizabeth stood up and quickly straightened out her clothes, checking her complexion in the nearby mirror to make sure it wasn't obvious she'd been crying. "Come see me tomorrow," Kate added before Elizabeth left the room.
She let out a breath as the doors closed behind her and smiled, glad to have alleviated a few of her troubles. She wasn't a hundred percent better, and wouldn't be until John was better, but she was getting there.
Elizabeth took Kate's advice and after a long hot shower she finished the book she'd been meaning to finish for weeks. Feeling more rested, she decided to go for a walk around the city. Stargate operations claimed most of her time, so she didn't get many chances to explore the city. She relished the chance to take in one of the quieter parts of the city. As she wandered, her mind had drifted off and she cried out in shock as a hand snaked round her arm and yanked her into a room.
"What the hell did you think you were doing?"
Elizabeth had barely stepped into the room, and had only just recognised that it was John that had pulled her in, when he started shouting at her.
"What are you talking about?" She asked in confusion, rubbing her arm.
"Talking to Heightmeyer," he hissed.
Elizabeth's eyes widened as she realised he knew. "How did you know?"
"Rodney saw you coming out of her office earlier."
That blabbermouth. Elizabeth thought.
"Why are you telling Heightmeyer our business?"
"Because I needed someone to talk to!" Elizabeth snapped "One of us needed to." She watched him recoil. "Things aren't right between us John, am I the only one who sees that?"
"I don't want someone interfering in our business, I don't need her." He gritted his teeth.
"Well I do…You're not the only one losing sleep over this you know." She took a tentative step towards him. "Please," she begged. "Go see her. You're in pain."
"I don't need help," he repeated and Elizabeth realised how sick she was of that phrase. He turned away from her and began to walk away.
"I'm here if you need me!" She exited the room and shouted after him, receiving no confirmation that he'd heard her. Frowning, she watched his retreating form. She was pissed: Pissed at herself, pissed at Kate for talking Elizabeth into seeing her, pissed at Rodney for opening his big mouth and pissed at John for acting like a bastard. Elizabeth turned in the opposite direction and began walking back towards the city. Using the nearest transporter, she quickly made her way to Rodney's labs. Luckily the room was empty apart from her target, hunched over a laptop, oblivious of her presence.
"What the hell did you think you were doing?" she asked, repeating John's earlier question. Normally she would suppress her anger. She'd definitely had enough practise after spending so much time in the presence of arrogant and rude politicians. But Rodney had interfered in her personal life and he wasn't going to get off easily.
He looked up. "Huh?"
"If I want to go see Kate that's my business, not yours and not John's. You had no right to tell him. If I'd wanted him to know, I would have done it myself."
He looked around the room for a second trying to work out what he was supposed to say. "Sorry?" he guessed.
She sighed, losing some of her anger. "I know he's your friend Rodney." Elizabeth continued more softly, "But I have enough on my plate without you adding to it. He's so angry with me right now." She unconsciously rubbed her arm again.
Rodney frowned as he noticed the red mark on her arm where he'd grabbed her. "Sheppard do that?" His eyes darkened, something Elizabeth was sure she'd never seen before. "If he did I'll kill him. Or I'll try to anyway, he'll definitely kick my ass."
"He's tired, it's made him slightly cranky and you blabbing about me to him didn't help matters. He didn't mean it," she defended John. "Doesn't even hurt." She smiled. "I should go." She turned towards the door, stopping just at the entrance and turning to look back at Rodney. "But thank you for your concern Rodney….it means a lot." She nodded and then left the room.
It was still early when she got back her bedroom and she wasn't surprised to find it empty. She climbed into bed and tried to stay awake as long as possible, waiting for John but her fatigue caught up with her and she slowly drifted to sleep.
Elizabeth woke the next morning feeling more rested than she had in a long time. Her eyes opened and her gaze fell upon the clock reading eight o'clock. She couldn't remember a time when she'd slept past seven. She twisted her body around expecting to find John's warm body sleeping next to hers, but all she found were cold, empty sheets. It didn't look like he'd even been in the room last night, let alone slept in the bed. She sighed loudly as her hand grasped his cold pillow, bringing it to her face and inhaling the scent that was unquestionably John. After a moment she placed the pillow back where it belonged and pulled herself out of bed.
She quickly discarded her pyjamas and replaced them with underwear. She was reaching for her trousers when the door opened and her head snapped up as John rushed into the room, stopping short when he noticed her standing there. They both froze. A flicker of desire passed through his eyes and she felt herself heating up. She composed herself quickly; annoyed that he could still get a reaction out of her even when they were fighting.
"I," John began, "….Wasn't expecting you to be here."
"Trying to avoid me?" She pulled on her trousers as she replied.
"No," he answered quickly. "Yes," he admitted somewhat sheepishly a second later.
She nodded and walked towards the chair in the corner of the room where her red top sat folded, ready to wear. As she picked up the top a hand grasped her wrist gently, stopping her movements. Elizabeth looked up to find John standing next to her. Her mind flashed back to the day before when the same hand had gripped her arm tightly. He must have been thinking the same thing because the next thing she knew a single finger was gently stroking the slight bruise that had formed on her arm. She sucked in a deep breath.
"Sorry for hurting you," he apologized. "I didn't realize…" He stopped the soothing ministrations on her arm and his hand moved to rest on her bare waist.
"It's okay, I know you didn't mean it." He nodded. "You sleep in your old room last night?" she asked and he nodded again. "Get any sleep?" He hesitated for a second before giving her a slight shake of his head. His eyes dropped to the floor.
She stepped forward, closing the gap between them, as she did the hand on her waist slid round and stopped at the small of her back, holding her against him gently. "You want to talk about it now?"
"I don't-" He was cut off when she placed her hand over his mouth.
"Don't." She shook her head. "Don't tell me you don't need to." The hand on her back lifted and he took a step back. She shivered as the warmth of his body was replaced with cold air.
"I only came back to change clothes." He changed the subject as he tore his eyes away from hers. Elizabeth used the space he'd given her to put her shirt on. She finished getting ready quickly and then picked up her radio from her bedside table, putting it in her ear before moving towards the door.
"See you at the briefing?" she asked and he nodded firmly. She nodded back and then turned and left.
Elizabeth suppressed the urge to yawn as Rodney passed the fifteen minute mark of his briefing. She glanced over at John but for the first time since setting foot on Atlantis he actually looked interested in what Rodney was saying. Either that or he was doing anything to avoid her, the latter option sounding more plausible. She leant forward and rested her hands on the desk, clasping them together tightly.
"Rodney?" she interrupted.
He stopped and looked at her. "What?"
"Skip to the important part," she ordered.
"Oh." He fiddled with his laptop for a second and brought up the relevant information before continuing on anther long rant. A headache began to form in the back of her skull and she rubbed her temples.
"Rodney." It was John's turn to interrupt the scientist.
"What?" Rodney snapped.
"Is there any chance we can finish this another time?" he asked and Elizabeth wondered if he'd actually noticed she wasn't feeling well.
"Fine, I have more important things to be doing anyway," Rodney grumbled. He slammed his laptop shut, tucked it under his arm and walked out the room. She was about to thank John when she heard the gate activate. The pair rose from their seats and walked quickly from the briefing room to Gate operations.
"Who is it?" she asked from the top of the stairs.
"Major Lorne's team," Chuck answered. "And they're coming in hot." John left her side and ran down the stairs. He took a weapon from the nearest marine and took aim, ready to stop anyone that wasn't Major Lorne or his team. The tension mounted as they waited. Suddenly the team burst through the event horizon and dropped to the floor, exhausted and drawing in ragged breaths. Elizabeth ran down the stairs to help them, ignoring the blasts of weapon fire that were surging through the gate.
"Where's Lorne?" John shouted.
"Right behind us!" one of the team replied.
A second later Lorne collapsed through the stargate. "Raise the shield!" he shouted. Before the shield could be raised, Elizabeth watched as a burst of energy exited the wormhole and headed straight for John.
"No!" she cried, launching herself at him, pushing him out the way and taking the blast herself. It knocked her back into the nearest wall with a sickening thud and John watched with wide eyes as she slid down the wall and onto the floor where she lay unmoving.
He scrambled towards her as fast as he could. "Get a medical team in here now!" he barked. John slipped a hand under her head to support it and called her name. "Elizabeth?" The hand stroking her hair away from her face moved to cup her cheek as her eyes fluttered open.
"Hey," he greeted.
"Hurts," she mumbled. He looked at the large bloody wound on her shoulder. She was losing blood rapidly. He ripped off his jacket and placed it over the wound pressing hard.
"You're going to be fine honey," he reassured her, the term of endearment sounding odd after their recent struggles.
"Don't lie," she whispered before coughing weakly.
"Where's that damn medical team!" he shouted. When he looked back at Elizabeth she was unconscious. Her face was too pale and he could barely feel her pulse beneath his fingers.
"Elizabeth? Lizzie?" He leant over her so he could whisper in her ear. "Don't you dare die on me Elizabeth, I love you too much." Beckett landed on the floor next to him and began shouting orders. He took over from John and thirty seconds later Elizabeth was on a gurney and being pushed towards the infirmary. He dropped back and let out a ragged sigh.
"You okay sir?" A young marine asked. John held out his hand and the marine grabbed it, pulling John to his feet.
"No," he answered before following the medical teams to the infirmary.
John paced angrily outside the operation theatre, waiting impatiently for any information. He didn't hear his team burst into the room and join him.
"What happened?" McKay asked.
"Lorne's team came in hot," John answered as he continued to pace. "Elizabeth pushed me out of the way of a weapon's energy blast."
"Is she okay?"
"I don't know, the damn nurses won't tell me anything!" The last part was shouted in the direction of the OR.
"John?" Teyla asked.
"What!" he snapped.
"Are you okay?"
"No I'm not okay." He stopped pacing and his team looked on in shock as he punched the nearest wall. John continued to hit the wall with his palms when Ronon placed a strong hand on his arm.
"Sheppard," he called. John instantly stopped, leaning his hands on the wall wearily. He dropped his head. He stayed still for a moment, taking deep breaths before finally lifted his head and turning to his team.
"I want one of you here at all times, I want to know the minute she wakes up," he ordered.
"Wait, where are you going?" Rodney asked.
"There's something I have to do," he answered cryptically. He began to walk towards the entrance when Rodney spoke.
"More important than Elizabeth?" he asked, halting John mid-step. He stood frozen for a second, shoulders hunched before finally moving again, leaving the room in silence.
Rodney looked at his friends "Someone should-" He didn't have to finish his sentence.
Ronon sighed, "I'll go." He followed John out the room.
John weaved his way through the busy hallways, ignoring people as they called his name. He was on a mission, he had something to do and he wasn't going to back out of it. John stepped into the transporter and waited silently for Ronon to catch up with him, glad it was Ronon who had decided to follow him, He was the one member of John's team who wouldn't ask questions and was perfectly happy to stay quiet.
Ronon entered the transporter and John poked the screen with more effort than needed. They exited a few seconds later and John walked purposefully down the corridor. He turned left into another corridor and made his way down to the end where a single closed door stood. John waved his hand over the crystals until the door opened and he entered the room whilst Ronon stood outside, guarding the room. The inhabitant looked up in surprise at John.
"Colonel?" Kate Heightmeyer asked.
"I need to talk," he said before closing the door behind him.
Elizabeth's eyes opened slowly as she tried to get used to the bright lights of the infirmary.
"Elizabeth?" She recognised the accent and she turned her head towards the voice. Beckett stepped into view and smiled kindly at her. "How are you feeling lass?" he asked softly.
"Thirsty," she whispered and she sipped as Beckett held a straw to her lips. Elizabeth sucked in the cool water, drenching her dry mouth and soothing her raw throat.
"Better?" he asked as he pulled the cup away.
"Much."
"How's the pain?"
"Not good," she answered honestly while wincing. He fiddled with her IV and she instantly felt the effects of the morphine as it spread through her body.
"Do you remember what happened?"
She nodded. "How bad?"
"It looked a lot worse than it was but the blast hit an artery and we had to take you into surgery to repair the damage. You lost some blood but we managed to replace what you lost pretty quickly. You also broke your collarbone and a couple of ribs. You've got a lot of healing to do." Her eyes moved passed Becket and scanned the room. Rodney was in the corner of the room, slumped in a chair, fast asleep. Beckett followed her gaze.
"Rodney and Teyla have been taking shifts to sit with you," he answered her silent question.
"What about John?" she asked hesitantly.
"Haven't seen him since you were first brought in yesterday morning." She closed her eyes. He hadn't stayed with her at all? Did that mean it was over between them? "That's right love, get some rest," Beckett said softly, patting her good arm gently before walking away.
When she opened her eyes again Rodney was standing over her. "How long was I out?" she asked groggily.
He checked his watch. "'Bout three hours," he answered between bites of a snack bar. She scanned the room, still hopeful that John had come to see her.
"He's not here," Rodney spoke.
"Where is he?"
"Busy," Rodney answered cryptically. Elizabeth could see he was hiding something. She wanted to push the subject but she felt herself being dragged back into unconsciousness.
Teyla was sitting by the bed when Elizabeth woke the next morning.
"Elizabeth," she greeted with a warm smile. "How are feeling?"
"Better."
"Good, you gave us all quite a scare."
Elizabeth winced. "Sorry about that."
"No matter, what matters is that you are well." Elizabeth shifted in her bed, making herself more comfortable. She looked down at her arm, wrapped tightly against her chest in a sling. Luckily it was her left arm which meant she was still able to write. The minute Beckett cleared her she was going back to work. A thought suddenly came to her.
"Who's looking after the city?"
"The responsibility is being shared between Rodney and myself. The workload has been quite…staggering."
Elizabeth frowned. "John's not in charge?" When she was out of commission it was up to John to assume command. A sudden wave of panic washed over her, was he hurt too?
"He is…busy," Teyla answered.
Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "Rodney said the same thing, is someone going to tell me where John is?" Teyla lowered her eyes. "Before I get out of bed and go and find him myself," she warned.
"He asked that no one know."
"Teyla, please," she practically begged.
"John is with Kate Heightmeyer," Teyla admitted with a bow of her head.
Elizabeth's eyes widened. "What?" She tried to sit up but pain coursed though her shoulder.
"He went directly to Kate's office when you were injured. They've only come out to eat and sleep."
"I don't understand."
"Neither do we," Teyla smirked. "But I hope whatever they are talking about is helping him."
Elizabeth looked up at Teyla in surprise. "You knew about the nightmares?"
"He has suffered from them off world as well."
Elizabeth looked up at the ceiling and sighed. "Then I hope it's helping too."
Elizabeth was finally released from the infirmary a couple of days later with strict instructions to stay in her quarters and rest. She was bored. It was hard to rest when the city was being run by someone else. Elizabeth was desperate for reports, desperate to know what was happening. She'd tried to sleep but her pain medication had been decreased and her shoulder ached. Instead, she'd finished all her books and realized that John's books were all out of reach. She'd also spent a long time staring out the window at the city but it was late now and it was too dark to see anything. Elizabeth sighed and slumped further under the covers, as the door chimed.
"Come in!" She shouted, expecting Beckett with food. The door opened and John stepped into the room. "Hey," she greeted him gently.
"Hey," he replied, his voice quiet and controlled.
"Why didn't you just come right in?"
"Didn't want to disturb you."
"You didn't." He nodded. "Teyla told me," she blurted a second later. "About why you didn't come to see me in the infirmary."
John lifted his head and their eyes met. "I asked her not to."
"I know, but I'm glad she did."
John stepped further into the room. "I'm sorry I didn't visit."
"I understand, and I'm glad you finally spoke to someone." John nodded. "Has it helped?"
"No nightmares," he answered with a shrug, his hands thrust deep into his trouser pockets.
She smiled. "That's good."
"Elizabeth," he began, moving to her side and sitting on the edge of the bed, "I didn't sleep in my old room because I was mad at you."
"Then why?" She shook her head in confusion.
"You told me your weren't sleeping…I didn't want that. I didn't want to hurt you."
"Oh John." She placed her free hand on his thigh. "Never again you hear me? I missed sleeping next to you."
"Me too." He smiled. "And you? Don't you ever get between me and a weapon again," he told her firmly. "It's my job to protect you, not the other way around."
She squeezed his thigh. "I'm sorry."
He lifted a hand to her face, cupping her cheek gently. "I nearly lost you."
"Now you know how I feel every time I sit by your bedside."
"Never again."
"John?"
"Hmm?"
"In the gate room, when I was…" She didn't need to remind him. "I thought I heard you whisper something to me, now I don't know if I imagined it or hallucinated." Elizabeth shook her head.
John looked down for a second and then back up at her. "I've never been good with words, talking about feelings. Seeing you lying there…I meant what I said. I know things have been crappy between us, I've been distant and crabby but that's going to change. I want to talk about it, tell you about the nightmares."
"I want to listen." She pulled him into a loose hug, careful of her injury. Elizabeth smiled as she felt a weight being lifted off her shoulders. She felt better than she had in a long time. "I love you," she whispered into his ear.
"I love you too," he whispered back.
She smiled widely and he pulled back far enough to place a gentle kiss on her lips.
"Come here," she patted the space next to her and he lifted the covers, slid into bed and laid next to her. She rested her head on his shoulder and sighed happily. "We have a lot to talk about," she told him.
"Yes," he replied sleepily
"But not tonight," she breathed.
"No," he sounded as he drifted of to sleep and Elizabeth closed her eyes. Lying next to John seemed to take the pain away from her shoulder and she slowly fell asleep.