/public_benedict_cumberbatch
Simplified Scenario
Star trek: Into Darkness.
Author deeply loves all the Actors and JJ, didn't mean to hurt or abuse anyone.
This made just for fun. Enjoy!
CINEMA:
TRUE TREKKIE:
Well, let's see, what all those abramses filmed.
Precisely, everything will be distorted and not in any accordance with the canon.
NEW JUST_TURNED_INTO_TREKKIE JJPHILS:
YAAAY! JJ MADE A NEW STAR TREK MOVIE! YAPPIIIEE!
ABRAMS IS SUCH A CUTIE PIE! JJ IS A TOTAL GENIOUS!
STAR TREK RULESSS! And what the phasers are for?
ZACHARY QUINTO FANGIRLS:
Damn, now it will be this terrible bangs again,
but ears like elf's, and those eyebrows..
Have to go to see weird stuff, just
to see cupcake Zach. Though he is gay, sigh.
THAT STAR TREK music is playing.
EVERYBODY:
OOOOOOOOOOH, HERE IT GOES!
Place: some planet
THE DUDE IN BLUE running away from ALBINO through the RED FOREST.
SUDDENLY appears
WILD ANIMAL:
АRRRRRR!
THE DUDE IN BLUE:
Piu-piu!
WILD ANIMAL falls, from his back appears KARL URBAN.
THE DUDE IN BLUE:
(turning into CHRIS PINE)
Yo, man, yo!
CHRIS PINE AND KARL URBAN
making an EPIC SICK JUMP FROM THE STEEP
CHRIS PINE:
UIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
ZACHARY QUINTO:
My character is emotionally lame, and I have to wear this
repulsive costume, so I will just stupidly chant and harp
all the way.. in any case all the hot chicks coming
to cinemas just to look at me.
But at the end I will show, what a handsome beast I am!
ZACHARY QUINTO FANGIRLS:
What a repulsive costume! But Zachary is a handsome beast anyway.
ZACHARY QUINTO SAVES THE ALBINO PLANET
CHRIS PINE SAVES ZACHARY QUINTO
ZACHARY QUINTO:
(stupidly chanting).
CHRIS PINE:
Yo, man, we saved ya, really, yo, wow!
Damn it, did anyone developed the character
of my personage? It seems like he is a 14 years old.
ABRAMS:
Shut up and make the pretty face.
We spent all the money and time to develop
another character.
CHRIS PINE:
Which one?
ABRAMS:
I'll show you in a minute.
Place:
THE EARTH, LONDON
The family of almost legal, but got ahead in life migrants
SUFFERS.
MIGRANT:
Well, well, as it always so - if there is a secondary
character, he is black, indian, or even a metis.
And they say there is no racism.
TALL ENIGMATIC GOAT IN THE COAT:
And what's more important - there is no script.
Do you want me to make your indian wishes come true?
ENIGMATIC HEROE'S FANGIRLS:
OH GOD, YESSSSSS! *massively coming on the back seats*
ZACHARY QUINTO FANGIRLS:
Oh damn, and who IS THAT?
CHRIS PINE FANGIRLS/PIN NUTS:
Oi wai, it seems that the movie is started.
Kind of. Wow. And who IS THAT?
VERY ALARMING MUSIC
MIGRANT:
Wow, wow, easy, easy. Do you have your own music theme?
Are you an important character? And what's with your face?
TALL ENIGMATIC GOAT IN THE COAT:
Abrams snatched the scenario, little nit,
so I have no idea about myself,
and have to use the acting skills and
make the enigmatic face,
so the audience will have VARIOUS THOUGHTS.
MIGRANT:
Go ahead, make my wishes come true.
TALL ENIGMATIC GOAT IN THE COAT:
Ок, but you have to die in the next scene.
MIGRANT:
GOD DAMN IT! I thought the first who die has to be at least black or asian.
Place:
THE EARTH, SAN FRANCISCO
CHRIS PINE:
Sppplendid, I got myself an excellent business trip for all my life
with an excellent per diem allowance.
ZACHARY QUINTO:
Not so fast, smartass! I snitched on you, thought
I have no idea why.
CHRIS PINE:
You a total asshole.
ZACHARY QUINTO:
Are you trying to abuse me?
CHRIS PINE:
No, fucking shit, it's my declaration of love.
ABRAMS:
HEY! This is an idea!
SLASH WRITERS:
ОООООООО! THIS IS AN IDEA!
TRUE TREKKIE:
DAMN IT, here we go again.
Place:
THE EARTH, LONDON
ENIGMATIC GOAT WITHOUT THE COAT:
Making mysterious things, showing mysterious parts of his body.
AUDIENCE:
(thinking VARIOUS THOUGHTS)
SLASH WRITERS:
Оооо, this is an idea!
ZACHARY QUINTO FANGIRLS:
Hey, this movie is not so bad and dull, after all!
PINE NUTS:
It seems, that we are not in a PINENUT world anymore!
ENIGMATIC HEROE'S FANGIRLS:
More is coming!
MIGRANT
mixing cola and menthos, and
SUDDENLY EVERYTHING EXPLODES)
Place:
THE EARTH, FRISCO
CHRIS PINE:
Zachary, you nasty!
ZACHARY QUINTO:
No, it's you a naughty boy!
CHRIS PINE:
You snitcher!
ZACHARY QUINTO:
Is it an abuse?
CHRIS PINE:
No, fucking fuck, it's my declaration of love.
ABRAMS:
Oh, this is an idea! Damn, I have to write it down.
SLAH WRITERS:
And to put it online!
Suddenly appears ROBOCOP WELLER
AUDIENCE OLDER 20:
WOW ROBOCOP! NOW HE WILL KICK ALL THE ASSES!
ABRAMS:
Now way, no way, didn't guess, damn, I'm so crafty and sly!
ROBOCOP WELLER:
My dear boys, I don't feel very much like RoboCop today,
I mean, think, think, think.. I mean, catch me this GOAT IN THE FREAKING COAT.
I can't spell his name, as all Americans, so let's call him JOHN HARRISON from now on.
CHRIS PINE:
(going through HARRISON'S PHOTOS)
Wow, what a nandsome devil.
PINE NUTS:
MORE! MOARRR CLOSE-UPS OF HARRISON!
ZACHARY QUINTO FANGIRLS:
SHOW HIM TO US ENTIRELY AND COMPLETELY!
ZACHARY QUINTO:
Fuck.
CHRIS PINE:
Fuck.
ENIGMATIC HEROE'S FANGIRLS:
We told ya!
ABRAMS:
Close-ups? Suuuuure.
SUDDENLY COMES HARRISON, KEEPING CALM AND CARRYING ONE, SHOOTING EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING, KILLING THE CHARACTER, WITH WHOM CHRIS PINE HAS AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION (KIND OF)
CHRIS PINE:
Piu-piu! I mean, this is completely fucked up now, this is it.
ZACHARY QUINTO:
It's not the word.
HARRISON:
(uses acting skills and behaves in all meanings AWESOME AND COOL without any words)
CHRIS PINE:
I'll find you and I'll kill you! I'm the coolest one
and the main handsome character in that movie!
Everyone - on the ship, though I'm even not a captain!
ZACHARY QUINTO:
(rises the eyebrow, trying to repeat the HARRISON'S cupid's bow)
SIMON PEGG:
Everyone loves, but nobody remembers my character,
but I will show you hell with the neutron creme and transfers.
I saw the script. So fuck that, no way, I'm not going with you.
ALICE EVE:
BUT I AM GOING!
ZACHARY QUINTO:
Who the fuck are you!?
ABRAMS:
No any semantic load, but her boobs in leather
will help us to attract more teenagers into the theaters... oh, shut up!
ROBOCOP WELLER:
K, PINE, you a captain now, my boy,
and don't forget the rockets, sweet, not tested, fresh, dangerous!
CHRIS PINE:
I'm loving it! What a great, friendly guy, that WELLER!
EVERYONE IS FLYING TO VISIT HARRISON,
SUDDENLY THE ENGINE IS BREAKING DOWN.
CHRIS PINE:
Let's go safari on the enemies' planet ! It will be fun!
Damn it, Abrams, seriously?
ABRAMS:
It is necessary. Go on.
CHRIS PINE, ZACHARY QUINTO, BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN, PLAYED BY ZOE SALDANA AND SOME NOT IMPORTANT CHARACTERS ARE GOING AHEAD TO THE PLANET
ENEMYS' SHIPS:
Aha, bitches, you thought it's a tourism? HELL NO!
BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN, PLAYED BY ZOE SALDANA:
I can speak with aborigines! And it's totally not racist.
ENEMY'S CAPTAINS OF ENEMY'S SHIPS:
Your accent is hideous! We have to kill you.
SUDDENLY JOHN HARRISON:
Who's talking about accents? AVADA KEDAVRA!
SHOOTING FROM THE VACUUM CLEANER ALL THE ABORIGENES AND ABORIGENES SHIPS.
CHRIS PINE:
(gobsmacked, hanging in vacuum)
Oh Jesus Christ, he is even more gorgeous in real life!
ZACHARY QUINTO FANGILRS, PINE NUTS AND ENIGMATIC HEROE'S FANGIRLS:
АААААААААААААААААААHHHH! SUPERHERO!
*coming*
JOHN HARRISON:
I recall, seniors, that ROBOCOP WELLER send me new, fresh, juicy,
not tested rockets?
CHRIS PINE:
(fangirling, gasping, can't speak with the cult hero )
ZACHARY QUINTO:
Shit. Now our fandoms are gonna be totally fucked up..
Yep, we have them.
JOHN HARRISON:
So, where are they?
CHRIS PINE:
On the ship. On my ship. On a big ship. On my big ship. Let's go with us.
Will you go with us? Will you fly with us?
Can I touch you? What a white skin you have!
CHRIS PINE IS TOUCHING JOHN HARRISON,
UNCONTROLLABLY FALLING INTO THE FANGIRLING HYSTERIA
JOHN HARRISON:
I think I've seen it before...
EVERYONE IS GOING TO THE BROKEN SHIP
JOHN HARRISON:
Glass prison? Well, well... I think I've seen it before...
CHRIS PINE:
(staring at HARRISON)
What? Where? Aaah, yes. Yeaaah. Aha. What?
ABRAMS:
Damn, it seems like I have to get on the script, this is sooo out in the left field.
SLASH WRITERS:
This is an idea!
Oh.
Yeah, actually it IS.
TRUE TREKKIE:
ABRAMS, yo mama! Make a favor!
ABRAMS:
Fuuucking fuck, you won't like it, guys.
SUDDENLY
IT TURNS OUT, THAT JOHN HARRISON IS A BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH, WHICH HAPPENS TO BE KHAN, WHO WAS SLEEPING FOR 300 YEARS, WHO WAS AWAKEN BY ROBOCOP WELLER, WHO WANTS TO START A WAR, WHO USED THE KHANS'S CREW, WHICH IS SLEEPING IN A CRYO CAPSULES, WHICH ARE IN ROCKETS, WHICH ROBOCOP WELLER GAVE TO CHRIS PINE.
EVERYBODY:
FUUUUUCK! SERIOUSLYY!11!?
TRUE TREKKIE:
ABRAMS, MOTHERFUCKER! YOU WILL ANSWER FOR THIS! KHAN?! SERIOUSLY?
ABRAMS:
WHAT A TWIST! I'm fucking shocked myself, what a genius am I!
NEW JUST_TURNED_INTO_TREKKIE JJPHILS:
JJ, what a cutie!
CHRIS PINE:
Now I UNDERSTAND everything. HARRISON, I mean, KHAN, I mean, CUMBERBATCH, you an awesome guy.
Though you an englishman. Our characters should be friends from now on.
EVERYBODY:
DAMN IT! SERIOUSLY!? IT'S OK THAT HE IS A TERRORIST?!
CHRIS PINE:
Shut up.
And now let's look at this piece of fur.
IT IS IMPORTANT.
KARL URBAN:
I don't get a fuck,
what's going on, ABRAMS,
you moron, I won't work with you anymore.
ABRAMS:
Oh, I'm all scared!
ZACHARY QUINTO:
And people will gossip, for sure will gossip, that
I was on the same side with PINE. I have to stay away from him,
what if it's infectious?
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH:
(uses mad, bitching awesome acting skills, badass voice, and puts all the audience in the
euphoric haze, so no one can remember what actually he said, also because it was too smart)
ALL THE WOMEN:
Now we are all cumberbitches! Damn, he is also extremely talanted!
CHRIS PINE:
Oh shit, I thought our razzle-dazzle will do it, like the last time.
ZACHARY QUINTO:
You are not alone, egghead.
What we will do now? We need a twist!
SUDDENLY APPEARS ROBOCOP WELLER ON THE SUPER SICK AND BADASS SHIP:
What's, BITCHES?!
CHRIS PINE:
Where YOU came from?
ABRAMS:
(scrolling the script)
I have exactly the same question.
ROBOCOP WELLER ON THE SUPER SICK AND BADASS SHIP:
Rockets! Arrr! My boy!
CHRIS PINE:
We have some kind of a replacement here... BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH.
Oh, yeah, and surprisingly ABRAMS got the script.
ROBOCOP WELLER ON THE SUPER SICK AND BADASS SHIP:
Well, I have to kill you for this.
CHRIS PINE:
Da FUCK!? WHY?!
ROBOCOP WELLER ON THE SUPER SICK AND BADASS SHIP:
(giving gimlet gaze to ABRAMS)
I have exactly the same question.
ABRAMS:
(chaotically scrolling the script, showing with hands' gestures to continue)
SIMON PEGG:
Everybody again forgot about my hero, but I'll show you hell with the
neutron creme and transfers.
I saw the script! Come on, let's hang out on the BADASS SHIP!
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH:
Finally, at least one clear-headed man around.
And, by the way, this ship is mine. It's so sick and badass, because
it's RIGHT-hand drive, since I'm an englishman, blimey!
SIMON PEGG:
Me too. Kind of. That's why we got wise in this crazy madhouse.
CHRIS PINE:
(fangirling even more)
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH:
To justify how cool am I and to settle my success, I have to make
AN EPIC, SICK, POSH AND FUCKING WICKED MANEUVER IN SPACE
TABLOIDS:
DID HE SAY POSH?!
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH:
Oh, pipe down already.
CHRIS PINE:
Can I go with you, please, please, please!
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH AND CHRIS PINE MAKING AN EPIC, SICK, POSH AND FUCKING WICKED MANEUVER IN SPACE
CHRIS PINE:
UIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
ZACHARY QUINTO:
My character is emotionally lame, and at the beginning I had to wear a
repulsive costume, but I guess it's kinda time to stop stupidly chant and harp
all the way, otherwise no one will come
to cinemas ever to look at me.
It's time to show, what a handsome beast I am!
AND FUCK YOU ALL, I HAVE A NUMBER OF LEONARD NIMOY!
ZACHARY QUINTO CALLING LEONARD NIMOY LIKE A BOSS
LEONARD NIMOY:
Ta-da! Hello there. What's up?
ZACHARY QUINTO:
Some kind of an english cumberpanch
kicking our ass, and ABRAMS has no clue in script.
LEONARD NIMOY:
LOL. (making trollface)
Suckers.
K, I'm some kind of a guru here, I know about original series, so what the hell.
LEONARD NIMOY SHARES HIS WISDOM WITH ZACHARY QUINTO.
ZACHARY QUINTO SHARES LEONARD NIMOY 'S WISDOM WITH KARL URBAN.
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH AND CHRIS PINE FINISHING AN EPIC, SICK, POSH AND FUCKING WICKED MANEUVER IN SPACE AND MEET SIMON PEGG
ON THE SUPER SICK AND BADASS RIGHT-HAND DRIVE SHIP
SIMON PEGG:
Sup, dudes.
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH:
Hello, dear sir. I mean, let's go and kick RIGHT-HAND DRIVE ship thief's ass.
ASSES KICKED TILL THE CAPTAIN'S BRIDGE, WHERE THE ROBOCOP WELLER REMEMBERS HIS DAYS OF GLORY.
CHRIS PINE:
(winking at SIMOIN PEGG)
SIMON PEGG JIGGING AND ACCIDENTALY
SHOOTING BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH
SIMPON PEGG:
DAMN IT.
ROBOCOP WELLER:
My boy!
CHRIS PINE:
Listen, this is really weird to call me so, I'm too old for this shit.
And I want to drive.
Let me drive! Let me, let me! Nanana!
ROBOCOP WELLER:
No way!
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH:
(getting up)
Bloody hell, what an impudent nation. For god's sake, this ship is mine
if you forgot!
CUMBERBATCH KICKING THE REST OF THE ASSES AND
CALLING ZACHARY QUINTO
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH:
Fuck your damn script, mister ABRAMS, and though it is such a pleasure
to work with you, you such a brilliant, genius man, I'm so glad...
ABRAMS:
Even don't start asking, I won't give you any additional screen time.
You running out of your limit, and sorry, but I have to cut the
shower scene, or no one ever will remember what was the movie about.
You had eight phrases, that's enough.
Hove and woffle in your Sherlock, I have to deal
with all the broken fandoms after your appearance.
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH:
Mingi-men Americans.
To cut it short, I'm a big bad wolf..
Oh, boy. I'm totally frustrated with these hollywoods!
I'm a terrorist, give me the rockets, bitch.
Yeah, that's about right.
ZACHARY QUINTO:
WHOOPS! WHAT A TWIST!
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH:
Well? You've heard, I will be deported back to Hogwarts any minute now.
ZACHARY QUINTO:
YAPPI-ki-YAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH YAPPI-ki-YAYED, ZACHARY QUINTO PINED AND PEGGED, ALL THE SHIPS ARE BROKEN AND GOING DOWN TO EARTH
VERY TOUCHING MOMENT BETWEEN
CHRIS PINE AND ZACHARY QUINTO.
SLASH WRITERS EXULTED
TRUE TREKKIE LIVING THE CINEMA
EVERYBODY CHECKING OUT THE BENEDICT CUMBERBATHC'S BANGS
BOTH SEX SURVIVORS IN AUDIENCE TURNED INTO CUMBERBITCHES
SOME SCENES WITHOUT BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH, BUT NO ONE CARES
EVERYBODY:
HELL NO?! THIS IS IT?! NO CUMBERBATCH ANYMORE?! WHAAAH?
ABRAMS:
God damn it, ok...
SHOWS SLEEPING CUMBERBATCH
EVERYBODY:
UIIIIIIIIII! BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH!
OH MY GOD!
*couple girls got heart attacks*
ZACHARY QUINTO and CHRIS PINE:
God damn you...
CONSTANTIN STANISLAVSKI:
ABRAMS, give me the number of this CUBMERBATCH guy.
I want to tell him ONE WORD.