His eyes met my own in middle ground, neither of us were ready to apologise, the pain was still too fresh for me and his pride wouldn't allow it, we weren't even ready to speak to one another but we were drawn to look. We are soulmates, I know it, he knows it, and despite everything, he means more than the world to me but we hurt each other far too much. We're driven to hate each other; in fact I hate him right this second as he glances over me with those big dark eyes that I love so much, He is trying to soften me, make me say I'm sorry but I wont, I refuse. Until he says his apologies I wont say mine, not when I don't mean them, not even for him.
We've been together on and off for nearly ten years now and I have grown up, I'm not that fresh faced, smiley, bubbly thirteen year old I was when I met him, and I'll never be her again, he has to realise that that girl died a long time ago, that girl died with Luke. The new Ellie is difficult and stroppy, I yell when he gets me started and lately he's managing to do that a lot more and I know that he hates me for it so we argue... a lot, but it doesn't mean I don't still love him, because I do. The stupid petty arguements that we have over meaningless things drove us where we are now, I mean, I know I'm not the perfect wife, but did that mean that it was OK for him to sneak off after a fight and sleep with someone else? Was that a fair thing for him to do to me? No. It wasn't and he hurt me, so I reacted like I always do, I reacted like that thirteen year old who had her childhood stolen from her, I hurt him back, I did the only thing that I could think of to make him feel the same pain I do. I had meaningless stupid, ignorant sex with Lex, the only person who Jack couldn't touch.
Sometimes it feels to me as though we enjoy hurting each other. We do it that often now that my conclusion makes a lot of sense. Jack doesn't forgive easily, and with the two of us very likely to bear a grudge, its not too practical for us to be together and despite that, we still are, after so long. Or we were until he hurt me and I took revenge.
I didn't enjoy sleeping with Lex, I never enjoyed the feel of his hands on my skin or the sound of his breathing beside me as he slept. I cried afterwards, when he drifted off to sleep, completely unaware, I sobbed until there were no tears left to cry.
I fcked him until all the spite and jealousy ebbed from my skin.