AN: So, this is the next thrilling installment to my own little universe of OhGodWhy. Fabulous, isn't it? Expect a lot of psychological jazz because that is the jazz that I'm so all about. Anyway, here you are. Thank you, all of you beautiful people, for reading and reviewing and favoriting and following. That made me incredibly happy. And thanks most of all to my best friend for letting me use her computer and helping me steal wifi. I love you, doll.

Enjoy, lovelies~

(by the way, Krebs means Cancer in German, and also has a double meaning as Crab)

It's so different without him. School is basically torture. It's my senior year and I can't even enjoy it. Yeah, I have other friends, but they're not him. He was my best friend, after all. We more or less did everything together. 'Til he got with Tavros, anyway. Then I came second. But still. It was the most fun I'd had in my entire life. He made me smile, and that in and of itself was one of his self-proclaimed miracles. I even liked his stupid rapping doodoobutter. It was horrifying, yes, but he made it so charming. And he was charming. Charming enough to get into my pants. And no one gets into my pants. Like how no one puts baby in a corner. That shit doesn't happen. I'm still not sure what to think of that. I try not to. It was a mistake on his part. I've come to deal with that. It doesn't really hurt. I just miss him.

Oh, God. Quit being such a pussy. Fuck, what is wrong with me these days? No wonder no one wants to be around me. I guess I'll justify my "crabbiness"on it still being a fresh wound. It's only been three months since the incident. Since he . . .

No. NO. I'm not doing this. This is my last year here. I will not let Romeo and Juliet-esque romance hit the whirling device and get my panties in a knot. Focus on something else, Karkat. Like this calculus shit. How does this even work? He knew it so well- stop. Now. Focus on the math. Or keep drawing boobs with those pepperonis that make you want to cry and laugh at the same time. Or whatever.

"Karkitty, what's that?"

I start a little and hug my notebook to my chest, staring at Nepeta with narrowed eyes. She looks over at me curiously, concerned. Everyone does that now. They look at me like I'm about to break into small pieces and blow away into the wind. But why? Why do they think I'll just roll over and die? I can't stand it. I can't stand that they think I only existed for him. It makes me rage. Like, what? Really? Was I nothing without him? Am I nothing now? Was I really only all for him? . . . How much did I ignore everyone else . . . ?

"It's anatomy practice," I finally manage to grumble out. I really don't want anyone to think I'm this broken mess of a man. I don't even know if I am or not. I don't know if I'm okay. I don't know if I'll grab a rope and use it as a bungee cord around my neck and tempt fate to see if I'll choke myself to death, drown in the river I'm sure to be jumping over, or miraculously survive the escapade and throw up my fist in victory while "Don't You Forget About Me" plays in the background. Only, it won't be a victory. And I'll be sure to try again. If I try the first time, that is. I just want everyone to stop looking at me like that.

I flip to my actual assignment in my notebook and throw it back on my desk with a soft thud. He had calculus last year. He could've helped me . . .

Alright. Enough. Talk to the kitty.

She smiles as I sigh and turn to her. She always smiles at me. Smiles or looks like she wants to save me. But I don't know if I need saving or not. I don't really know much of anything. Useless as always, Karkat. You dumbfuck sack-sucker. But enough of that. "So, what's up?" That's it. We're business casual up in this bitch.

She looks down and bats her eyes a little, sneakily covering her notebook with her hand and strumming her long, sharp nails that might as well be called claws along the spiraled binding. "Just doodling, like you," she says softly, looking back up at me with forest-green eyes lined on the top lid to create small, black, sharp wings on the ends of them. "We don't need to pass this class to graduate, right?" Another bat of her long, thick, black eyelashes. It would be charming, sexy even, if I hadn't already made up my mind on the matter and wasn't too busy trying to decide whether or not I'm going to be fine this year. I'm sure everything will be great. Yup.

I close my eyes and rest my head on one of my hands, elbow clopping on the desk loudly. I'm still amazed I haven't been sent to the principal for being an annoying asswheel. I look back at her in exasperation and say, "It still won't look good if you fail without even trying."

She sighs dramatically and poofs out her cheeks, narrowing her eyes into tiny slits like I'm the enemy in this playful game of coy and uninterested. "Well that's bananas. I think I need a tutor . . ."

She fiddles with her pencil a little and continues tapping her claws on the wood of the desk. Honestly, she's the only person in this class that I can actually stand. Maybe even like. Perhaps even consider a good friend. She's nice and sweet and perky and cute as a button. But I refuse to tell her any of that. Especially as I see her writing "Nepeta Vantas" on the last page of her notebook. Yeah, if only, kid.

I know she likes me. I know she has for years. But I don't know why. I'm not even good enough to be worm feces. But it is what it is, I guess. I have certainly given her no indication that I want to be with her in any romantic aspects. And I'm assuming she has no idea what happened with me and Ga—him. Even if she did, though, I doubt that would stop her from imagining that we are the only survivors of an apocalypse and we have to mate in order to thrive on this planet of bubble gum and rainbows that she's created. I wouldn't mind being with her in the generality of the thing, but she's more like a sister or a pet in my eyes, and I'm neither into incest nor bestiality. And even if I was that kind of sick, demented snatchbag, I still wouldn't give her the D. She's just too cute and innocent-looking to defile like that.

But she'll keep my mind off of other things if I hang around her. "Here, I'll help you," I say, pulling her desk to mine across the polished floor with a screech.

"O-oh, you don't have to do that!"

But I know that's exactly what she was gunning for, the little manipulator.

Her facecheeks dust with pink and she looks up at me with such an admiring expression. It's almost disgusting how cute she is. I let out a hearty huff and show her my notes, muttering, "Yeah, I kinda do."

I don't want to lead her on, and I feel like a super douchenozzle because maybe I kinda am, but she's the closest thing I have to a friend now. Here, anyway. I'm in desperate need of friendly company.

I used to have such a big group of friends. And even though I never really let them know, I cared about them deeply. And I even had the biggest dipshit crush on Terezi. Stupidly, I still kind of do. And I don't know why. Ugh. But she changed a lot last year and barely speaks to me anymore. I was close with Kanaya for a while, but let her slip away to a girl named Rose Lalonde, Ms. Lalonde's daughter. Who, thank God, isn't a thing like her mother. Although, Ms. Lalonde stopped drinking and went to rehab over the summer. She's still mildly inappropriate, but she's much better. Rose is infuriatingly smart and always so proper, even when she's being a snarky, sarcastic tart. I guess that's why Kanaya likes her so much. They're cute and all, but Kanaya was my friend first. And it bugs me a little that she abandoned me. But I guess it's my fault. Sollux was fun to be around for a while, and I considered him second-in-command on my friend-ship, but he got accepted into a high-up college on a full scholarship and Aradia moved with him to finish high school and start her own career. Because love is powerful and some other bullcrap thing I desperately wish I had with someone. Feferi went to a private school because her parents realized what a crapshack the public school system is. Eridan got arrested a few times on drug charges, but he's out now. He dropped out and just sorta roams the streets, looking to sell clear, powdered Jell-O as crack. He's going to get murdered, I swear. I sorta admired him, in that I've never known anyone to be more narcissistic or egotistical and not care if it bothered people. He was an asshole in such a strange way. The only one I still talk to is Nepeta. And even then, our time together is limited due to Equius and his creepy-ass self. He doesn't say much, but what he does say . . . I don't know how they're best friends. He's pretty freakish. I'm glad he keeps her in line and takes care of her, but he himself is just so . . . Wrong. His horse fetish is a definite red flag. So I avoid him if I can. Vriska is by herself now, much to my pleasure. She walks around looking all sad and lonely, and it takes my all not to pour salt into that wound. He'd still be here if it wasn't for her bitch ass. Conniving, evil witch. All she needs is a long, warty nose and green skin. And a personality.

And then there's Tavros. Poor, poor Tavros. He sits and stares blankly all day. He doesn't talk to anyone. He does his work, and then he just stares. I laugh a little when Vriska walks up to him and tries to bully him or even just talk to him. He does nothing. Sometimes, he'll close his eyes and sigh, but he doesn't give her any satisfaction. She'll call him a name, punch him, and walk away. This happens often. School's only been in session for a few weeks, but the routines are horribly repetitive already. I can probably make a guess at how the rest of the year will go and be right on all accounts. How dull. Not that I'm in need of any excitement. I'd rather be bored and lifeless than have something out of the daily motions occur. I probably won't be able to handle that. But I never did tell Tavros what his boyfriend and I did. And I won't. I can't. It would destroy him. Just like it destroyed Ga—no. No, I'm not going there. Not again, not right now, and hopefully never in the rest of my life.

Nepeta finds me in the parking lot as I reach my car, another daily occurrence, and gives me a tight hug. It happens all the time, but I never seem to be prepared or it. I unconsciously go rigid, uncomfortable with the whole thing, but bring myself to hug her back.

"I know it hurts," she says quietly, warmly on the side of my face. "But it'll get better. I promise. Everything with Gam-"

"Okay," I interrupt. "I know you're only trying to help, but . . . I have to go home. Bye, Nepeta."

She loosens her arms around my neck and tries to look into my eyes, but I refuse to let her. I feel hot in my face and cold in my hands, and my heart wants to explode and get my death over with. But I am otherwise dead to the world.

"Karkitty . . . I'm here fur you. Right meow and until the end. Don't be a-fur-aid to come to me fur help. I'll always be here."

And that really makes me want to cry. But I don't. I'm a man, dammit. Boys don't cry. I nod and wave her away and she gives me one last squeeze before trotting off to Equius, allowing him to pick her up and help her into his truck. It almost makes me smile.

I reach down to open my car door, but a hand is on mine and I look up and feel my heart throb more in exhaustion and pain. Why now?

"Karkat," Terezi says, taking off her red, cartoonish shades to look me dead in the eye with her bright turquoise windows to the soul. She only shows her eyes when she's deadly serious. And I haven't talked to her in months. Acid rises in my throat as she turns my face towards hers, mine unconsciously turning back against her. I don't want to do this. I don't want to talk to her. "We need to discuss something."

I swallow my emotions and nod curtly. "What it is, Terezi?"

"Gamzee." Ow. Fuck. His name hurts to hear. "He wasn't a good guy. I know you think he was the best thing ever since canned bread, but he was a real piece of work. He wasn't good for you. And I saw your pain after he'd led you on and then dated Tavros. Don't think I didn't see. You hurt so bad. Five months, I had to watch you on the verge of tears. He was pain. Unnecessary pain. You didn't deserve that. I know I haven't been the best friend ever or even a good one recently, but I still care about you, Karkat. Believe me. You're better off. Don't let him continue to hurt you when he isn't even here. I mean, look at Tavros. He won't talk to anyone! He's pretty much catatonic these days!"

Ow. God. Goddammit, this hurts. I never thought she would cut me so bad. I sigh and look up at her with a smile. Her expression of concern turns to one of wonder at my look and I place a hand on her shoulder and give it a small squeeze. "Terezi," I say softly, looking at her with the sweetest face I can muster. "I appreciate this. I'm glad you care. Thank you. But I can't fucking do this right now. This is the last thing on my list of shit I could ever imagine me being able to do right now. I will fucking kill myself right now if you try to drag this on. Consider my feelings this round and decide if telling me that my best friend was a piece of shit is a grand idea. Tell me in what world this would help, and maybe then I'll think about not wanting to off myself in an amazing spectacle of theatrics in which I blow myself up by stuffing my asshole with fireworks and have my mushy body parts fed to orphans around the world and let everyone know that you were the wonderful person to make it all possible."

She stares at me with wide eyes for a good, long while and blinks away my words with a shake of her head. "Karkat, I didn't mean t-"

"No, it's okay. You didn't know. How could you? You don't talk to me anymore. You don't know who I am right now. Or who I will be tomorrow. Talk to me about anything else. But leave him out of this."

I tiptoe up and kiss her cheek before getting into my car and giving a small wave of goodbye. She sighs and puts her shades back on, waving a little herself before walking away. I do miss her. A lot. But I'm in no mood for her to throw the wicked hate upon someone that can't even defend himself against it. I hope I didn't ruin my chances of talking to her again. And I hope she won't pull that with me, either.

"Holy fuck!"

I slam down on the brakes as fast as I can, hitting my head on the dash with a black-out force. With a groan, I lift my head and try to sift through the fog of pain and adrenaline to see who was stupid enough to jump in front of my car.

"T-Tavros?"

Oh, fuck. Was this a suicide attempt? He just stares at me with a face that reads, "Oh, shit. Did I really just do that?" Maybe he didn't know what he was doing? Christ.

I step out of my car slowly, still trying to shake off the blur that covers my eyes. He doesn't move. Not even when I walk up to him and put an arm on his shoulder. Not even when I shake him. His irises reluctantly pull themselves over to look at me, but his body remains frozen. "Tavros?" I ask, pushing on him a little. "Dude, you're freaking me right the fuck out. What's up? Why did you go the full retard and move in front of a moving vehicle? Do you wanna die?"

A nod. So small, it's a wonder I saw it. But he nodded. Another nod and he closes his eyes tightly and covers his face with his hands, shoulders heaving from rickety sobs. He falls to his knees hard and I'd be amazed if he didn't at least scrape them. And he cries. He cries so much. And I feel awkward and wrong and guilty. I feel so fucking guilty. It's my fault. It's my fault he's so fucked up and broken. But this is the most I've seen him act human in a long time. And I sit down beside him and rub his back. He's lost weight. We weren't that close, but he was still my friend. Much as I despised his cheery disposition. But it was better than this doll syndrome shit he was pulling. I pull him toward me and let him sob onto my shoulder. After a while, I get his mom's number out of him and call her. She freaks out hard at what had happened, but she gets here in no time and thanks me for being so kind to her son. She looked exhausted. Probably up all night with Tavros, telling him things will be fine. But I doubt that it would.

I'm fucking tired. I don't sleep very much at all anymore. I moved out of my dad's house a couple of months ago. It was too stressful and I got tired of feeling bad for him. I needed to start thinking about myself. So I found a nice, reasonably-priced place and set up residence. I had a job for a while, but my roommate made me quit because I wasn't sleeping and was falling behind in school. Not that the former's changed. I still only get one to two hours of sleep per day. I'm so tired all the time. But I have so many things running in my head and I can't seem to stop the pour of unwanted thoughts no matter how much I attempt to plug up that hole in my brain. It's impossible. And I want to die sometimes because of the extreme insomnia. I just think, "Oh, God, make it stop," until my eyes finally close with a terrible burn and I black out. I don't think what I do is called sleeping. I think I just pass out for a while. The bags and dark circles that have always been under my eyes have only gotten worse. I can't stand it. They're so ugly. And people only know me as The Tired Short Dude with Anger Issues.

Which pisses me off. A lot.

I finally arrive home after a long journey through my own mind and keeping a determination strong enough to keep my eyes opened. I have all the willpower. All of it.

His car isn't here, which blows my fucking mind. He doesn't have a real job and doesn't really know anyone around here, so why he's never home is just beyond me. Sometimes I think that the only reason I keep him around is because he's good money and he cleans all the time. But then I feel like an asshole for thinking that because he's really not all that bad but it drives me batshit that he's never around. Like everyone's just going out of their way to avoid me. And that hurts. No one thinks it does because they don't think I have feelings. But I fucking do. And I'm getting really tired of sympathetic looks and an air of GTFO. It's so tedious.

I think too much. Always thinking and over-thinking. I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of trying to solve everyone's and my own problems. I'm tired of being tired. Are you there, God? It's me, Karkat. Please let me stop thinking for a day. Or at least an hour. I'm so worn out. Let me find the serenity shit that makes me stop finding problems in things that don't have problems. And let me be happy when things are going well instead of making myself miserable.

Let me be able to be okay with myself and all the things around me.

And give the Easter Bunny a high-five for me. Thanks.

I throw myself onto my bed and try so hard to turn my brain off so I can get some rest. I need to more than my generation needs to learn how to shut the fuck up and pick up a book. And it takes so long for sleep to find me.

And fuck if it didn't last longer than an hour. Jesus Christ.

"Good afternoon. At the tone, pacific daylight time will be four-twenty exactly."

Oh, God. No. Stop it.

A belch.

Oh, fuck no. Dude, please.

"Ya know-"

SHUT UP DON'T YOU DARE.

"I got two states of mind-"

MOTHERFUCK ME!

"Stoned and asleep. First I hit the sweet leaf and then I have nice dreams. When I get up, I wake and bake, take a piss and shake. My clock stopped at four-twenty, whatchu want me to say? I stay blazed all day, no matter where I'm creepin'. Hot boxin' on your block and at the spot on the weekends. You'll see smoke risin', just who could it be? It's my rhyme and crime partner: Dee-dash-ell-oh-kaykay!"

I mentally smack myself and let out a long groan. How dare I get some sleep. How dare I think I fucking could? God. Dammit. I shut my eyes tighter and put my pillow over my head and mumble, "Is it really only four-twenty in the afternoon?"

He chuckles and pats the pillow roughly. Annoying asshole. "C'mon, Karkles!" he yells near my face. "You know the words! You've heard it enough."

"Can't you just answer me like a normal, non-shitty person?"

"Nope. Say a line and then I'll fulfill all your needs on the matter of time. And perhaps even space, if you're lucky."

"Fucking answer me, you fuckass!"

"Say a line."

"No."

"Then the time is my little secret."

I rise up quickly, pissed as hell, and pop him right under his chin as hard as I can. "Fucking be mature, you asspie," I yell out, and pick my phone up off the end table to check the time as he laughs and holds his jaw. "Are you kidding me? I was asleep for less than ten minutes!"

He hops onto my bed and pats my back and chuckles some more. "Ain't no time to be sleeping, Karkat. Wait until eight or something."

I want to cry out of exasperation, but I settle for groaning and slamming my fist into the mattress over and over again. "I just fell asleep, Pat Benatard."

"There'll be plenty of hours to sleep. But we got stuff to do today." He reaches over my head and turns the stereo up more, blasting the fucking thing into my face.

"You're a serious piece of shit, Gamzee."

He squeezes my arm and jumps up to open the curtains, opening what is probably his tenth bottle of Faygo today.

"Turn that thing off!"

"Hey, I don't smoke anymore," he says in mock-defense, taking a swig from his bottle of "wicked elixir." "The least you could do is let me enjoy such fond memories."

"I'd rather you smoke than drink so much of that sugary shit," I reply, sitting up and swinging my feet over the bed.

HONK!

"Fuck!" I smack his arm as he laughs and sits next to me. "Enough with the horns all over the house! Smoke weed again, please! For the love of the Giant Flying Spaghetti Monster!"

"Aw, Karkles. Don't go gettin' all sobstory on a motherfucker on such a nice day. You know I can't be all up and toking again. You know what happened the last time."

I sigh and rest my head on his pointy shoulder. He's gained a bit of weight, but he's still scrawny by man standards. "Yeah, but that was the pills' fault."

"Maybe, but still. I'm . . . Scared. Fuckin' terrified to do anything again. You know that. I can't even go back to school and let people know that I'm motherfuckin' alive."

"Speaking of." I turn to face him and realize he's wearing his creepy clown makeup. Must have had a gig somewhere. Shaking my head, I say, "Tavros tried to kill himself today. On my car. Lucky I stopped, or he'd be fucking toast. He needs to know you're okay. You know where he lives. And I know what was in your pocket that day. I know you loved him more than anything. And still do. Give him something. He deserves to know."

He looks down and cringes, hoisting his shoulders up to his cheeks. "I can't," he replies quietly. "I can't go back. Vriska's still there-"

"So go to his house, dumbbutt!"

"Shit's embarrassing, Karkat!"

I jump at his tone. So loud and angry. He gets angry a lot more now. And so much more easily. The weed masked his issues, but they're still there. Clear as day.

"How am I supposed to face him? I tried to kill myself. I fucked you! I can't tell him that. I could never break his heart like that."

Looking into his indigo eyes, all I see is pain and regret and sadness. And it kills me. I want so badly to save him. Let me save you, Gamzee . . .

"Gamzee," I begin, putting my head back on his shoulder, rubbing his arm to try to calm and comfort him. "I know. I know all of that. But he will die if you don't let him know that you're alive and well."

"Well is relative. And so is alive."

I sigh against his neck and mumble words of advice that I know he probably can't hear. Why does life have to be such a bitch?

"I won't go anywhere with you until you see him."

And he cries. I hear him every night. He cries about Tavros until he falls asleep. And then I make sure to keep quiet through it all. When he screams, I can say nothing. It's my fault, too. I could've said no.

All I see around me are ugly things. Make my life beautiful again. Like it used to be for such a short time. Make us happy.

I want to see him smile without pain in his eyes.

I love him . . .