Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own Veronica Mars, just taking them out to play.
Veronica was tired, her muscles were still aching from being tied to a chair for fourteen hours, but more than that was the deep ache in her bones. She'd failed, yes she'd caught the bad guy, but a girl had died, hell she'd almost died. The exhaustion seeped into her bones and it was going to be a long time before it faded. It had been a long time since she had felt happy but she'd been coping just fine.
As she had sat there, in the dark, damp basement of the abandoned church, waiting for death she couldn't help wonder was it worth it. As a profiler specialising in murder and rape cases things were going to be grim. The trick was to become detached, something she had been struggling with these past few months.
Then Sheehan had decided to make it personal, taunting her, putting the victims' lives on her and Veronica had snapped. She'd been desperate and reckless, trying to catch the killer. She could lie to herself and say it was to save the girl she was holding over her, but that hadn't been it at all Veronica wanted to get this woman personally. For making it personal, for mocking her, for making her jump through hoops and for violating her carefully constructed sanctuary.
She'd been cleared by the medics an hour ago but Veronica was still in a daze as she walked into her apartment building. She got there just as Mrs Doherty, her downstairs neighbour was leaving. The woman stared at Veronica for almost a full minute, eyes wide with shock, before she spoke.
"Veronica what happened?" she asked, reaching out for her.
The threat of touch startled Veronica from her thoughts, she flinched and pulled away before the woman could make contact. She shook her head and stepped away from her neighbour. Looking down at herself, she was almost surprised to find she was really there. She was a mess. Her white shirt was stained red and her hands looked scraped and bloody. She knew from the throbbing in her cheek that she was sporting some bruises.
"It's not my blood," she mumbled, trying to get past her.
Mrs Doherty grabbed her arm, ignoring her struggle and stopped her getting into the building. "Veronica you shouldn't be on your own," she insisted.
"I'm fine, it was just a bad day," she said, sidestepping the older woman and walking into the building. She knew she was still watching her so she hurried into the elevator before she ran into anyone else.
When she got to the apartment she unlocked the door with shaking hands. She had held it together for the entire cab ride home, but she knew as soon as she walked into the empty apartment she would break down.
Taking a deep breath Veronica stepped inside and locked the door behind her. She leant against it, letting her head fall back against the wood and her eyes fall closed. As the reality of the situation hit, her body went lax and she dropped her keys before slumping to the floor in defeat.
She hugged her knees as the sobs wracked her body. It was all too much, she couldn't do this anymore. Murder, rape, child abuse, these cases had worn her down till she felt like she had nothing else to give. It had been years since she'd seen anything good in the world. She knew she needed out of the FBI, out of New York. For the first time in ten years she wanted to go home. She laughed at the thought of Neptune as home. But she'd never tried to make a home here. Of course Neptune was still her home, she'd left in a rush, a spontaneous decision. She had so much unfinished business there.
Veronica screamed in frustration as the flashbacks hit her again. She looked down at her blood stained blouse and tried to convince herself that she couldn't have saved Elizabeth Johnson. As she ran through the memories in her head various scenarios presented themselves to her. Things she could have done differently, how she should have avoided the traps. If she really looked at it she had become as obsessed with Sheehan as she had with her. She ripped off the shirt in anger and squeezed it between her fingers, crying as the blood remained on her hands. She stared down at her hands as if they belonged to someone else.
Veronica knew she needed to snap out of this before she lost control; she began to count down in her head from fifty, taking several deep breaths. When she felt a little calmer and her cries had subsided, she pulled herself up from the floor and dragged herself to the shower. She attempted to wash away the blood and guilt with the scalding water, allowing herself to cry again under the spray. It was giving in to weakness one last time before shutting off her emotions. When the water began to run cold she turned it off and began the process of mentally clamping down on her emotions. Building back up her walls and defences, locking away her pain was the only way she knew how to deal with it. She still felt unclean as wandered into her bedroom and collapse onto the bed.
She picked up the phone, dialled the number she still knew by heart and waited for her dad to pick up. Glancing over at her bedside clock Veronica was surprised to see it was eight in the morning. She hadn't even realised it was daytime, it had been a few days since she'd been home, let alone slept. It meant it would be early morning in Neptune, she hoped her dad would be awake.
"Pick up, please pick up," she murmured.
The phone went to the answering machine, so she hung up and dialled again. This time her father answered after five rings.
"Hello? Veronica is that you?"he asked, his voice heavy with sleep.
"Hi dad, I...I..."
"Veronica?"
"Can I come home for a while?" she asked, her voice barely more than a whisper.
There was silence on the line for a moment.
"Veronica what's wrong?"
She could hear the worry in his voice; he knew if she wanted to come back something had gone very wrong with her life.
"I'm ok dad. I've just had a long day. In fact I've had a long year. I'm going to take leave… they'll probably make me anyway and I just want to come home for a while." The tears began to spill again. So much for keeping her emotions in check, a psychopath makes one chink in the armour and apparently she was now ticking time bomb of tears and emotion.
"Veronica what happened?"
Veronica hesitated. Her dad knew the case she'd been working on, but he had no idea how involved she'd gotten, how much she'd become invested. How obsessed the killer had become with her.
"It got bad," she admitted.
"The serial killer case?"
Even over the phone she could tell he was really worried now, but she couldn't think of anything to say to stop him worrying. He needed to worry. "Yeah."
"Are you hurt?"
"No," she lied. "But... I couldn't save her dad, it was on me. I had the chance to save her and I was so obsessed with catching that bitch I let the girl die."
"It wasn't your fault Veronica," he said.
"No? Well it sure feels that way."
"Veronica-"
"No I know what you're trying to say. Look can we talk about this when I'm home? I just can't deal, I haven't slept in about a week and I have to be at work in a few hours."
"Alright," he conceded. "You're always welcome here sweetheart."
"Thanks dad, I'll call you with my flight details. It's… it's gonna be pretty soon.
"That's fine honey.
"Talk to you soon Dad."
"Talk to you soon Veronica."
Veronica could tell he wanted to say more, but she hung up before he could ask any more questions. She would have some time to make up something to appease his worries. She settled back on the pillows, she felt absolutely drained, but she knew that sleep was not going to come easy. All she could do was close her eyes and hope the nightmares stayed away. Unfortunately she was not that lucky, and her dreams were plagued with images of Elizabeth Johnson's bleeding throat and Sheehan laughing as she waved the knife at her.
When Veronica woke up, after only a few hours of fitful sleep, she felt more tired than before. However, although she'd had nightmares and now she had to go face her boss, she felt a strange sense of calm settle over her as she got ready to face the music. She was going home. A week ago, hell even a few days ago the thought of going back to Neptune would have made her laugh. A day ago she was one step away from catching the most prolific serial killer on the east coast in ten years. It should have been the case that made her career, but she'd caught her and she knew it wasn't worth it. She was psychologically scarred from their encounter and she needed to get as far away from it as possible.
As she walked into the office the thought of going home excited her more than she could have believed possible, it kept her going as she walked toward the Director's office. As she thought on her past few months in New York, she realised she hadn't been happy in a long time. In fact she'd been scared, the Sheehan had messed with her head and she thought by catching her she would no longer be afraid. But she was even more afraid, she thought by taking her on she would prove she wasn't weak, but she was. She'd fallen into a trap and had almost been killed. And Elizabeth had died.
It was winter in New York, but Neptune in would just be another day of the permanent summer. She found her mind wandering as she waited to be called, her thoughts drifting to the ocean. When she began to picture the surfers on the waves, when she began to picture a certain surfer, she tried to clamp down on those thoughts before she got carried away.
Who was she kidding though? The first person she wanted to see in Neptune, after her father, was Logan. She couldn't even think of a reason for why she'd stayed away for so long. She'd been determined to prove... what exactly? Even if he'd moved on, which was likely, he was the one person she wanted to talk to. About what had happened, about anything. She just wanted to feel happy again, and happiness was always something she associated with Logan. She hadn't been unhappy her whole time away, she wouldn't have made it this far if she had. But lately solving cases wasn't enough.
"Mars." A sharp voice startled her from her reverie. She stood up from her seat and walked into the office.
"Sir," she said addressing Derek Schneider, her director.
"Sit down Mars."
Veronica sat and watched as Schneider went over the case notes; she braced herself for a disciplining. He sighed and put the folder down. Veronica didn't know why he looked so tired, he hadn't been working this case. She'd been helping the police, but in the end she still had to report back to the FBI.
"Going in there alone was suicide Mars. What did you think was going to happen?" He demanded.
"She wasn't supposed to be there. I wasn't looking for her, just proof that I was correct."
Schneider folded his arms across his chest. "Rebecca Sheehan has been one step ahead of the NYPD this whole case, you should have seen it coming. You were reckless," he said, pointing a finger at her.
"I know. I was desperate," she admitted, slumping in her seat.
"I'm sure you can guess you're not going to be working for a while Mars," he said.
"Yes sir."
"We are grateful that that crazy religious bitch is behind bars, but the risks you took were foolhardy, you were almost killed."
"I know."
"I'm recommending a suspension of six months, and mandatory counselling, you've been through hell."
"I'm going to be staying with my father out in California. I can't stay in New York anymore," Veronica told him.
"Are you asking for a transfer?"
Veronica weighed up her options, should she tell him now or in six months?
"No," she said.
Schneider sighed, but the look on his face told her he had known this was coming for a while. "Take the suspension, see how you feel when the times up."
Veronica nodded.
"California? When are you leaving?"
"As soon as possible," she said, tapping her foot.
"I want you to speak to Dr Wheeler before you leave today, he's expecting you."
"Sir-"
"It wasn't a suggestion it was an order, understood?"
"Yes sir," she relented.
"I'll have follow up appointments set up, I want you to attend them," he said, raising an eyebrow as if he expected her to defy him.
"Yes sir," she agreed.
"Don't disappear, they'll need you to testify, but there's a whole load of psychiatry bullshit first," he said shaking his head. "And Mars? The girl's death was not your fault."
"Elizabeth," Veronica corrected.
"What?" he asked, staring at her in confusion.
"The girl's name was Elizabeth, Elizabeth Johnson." Veronica stood up and walked to the door.
"Go get your head sorted, I don't want to see you for a while," he said, looking worried.
"Yes sir."
As Veronica walked toward the doctor's office she thought of a similar meeting she'd had with Schneider just five months ago. He'd tried to suspend her then, worried that she was getting in too deep, too personally involved, he'd been right of course. Back then Veronica had fought tooth and nail to stay on the case. It hadn't mattered, two days later Sheehan had taken a personal interest in her, the riddles started coming direct to her and she would only answer her. They couldn't suspend her, not when the entire case rested on her shoulders.
Veronica sat down opposite Wheeler. She'd been in this office several times over the past few years, and she still didn't feel comfortable opening up in front of a shrink. It was hardly surprising she didn't feel comfortable opening up to anybody. She knew what was coming.
"You can't blame yourself for the death of Elizabeth Johnson," the doctor said.
And there it was. Usually she'd just agree, appease the good doctor. In fact, she could feel herself nodding as she opened her mouth to speak.
"Yes it was. It was my fault," she said. Huh, that wasn't what she'd planned to say.
"Mars... Veronica, Sheehan was always going to kill her."
"I know that. But if I was smart enough to find her, don't you think that maybe, if I'd focussed my attention on Elizabeth instead, we could have reached her first?"
"But then Sheehan would have got away," Wheeler argued.
"But Elizabeth would be alive, isn't that what we want, to protect people?" Veronica demanded, rising from her chair and pacing the room.
"Maybe." The doctor watched her as she walked around the room. "But then she would be free to kill again," he reminded her.
"Look I'm not saying it makes sense," Veronica said, sitting down again. "I'm saying I feel guilty for not trying hard enough. For treating this girl like a statistic before she hit the ground."
"You need-"
"I need to go home," Veronica said, cutting the doctor off. That was what she needed, not any of his psychobabble.
"Fine go and rest I'll reschedule-"
"I won't be here, I'm on leave, I'm going back to Neptune." Veronica told him.
"Where's that?"
"California.
The doctor made a note. "Fine, I'll send your files along to a colleague over there. I want you to keep these appointments that I set up for you."
"Thanks Doc." Veronica said, walking to the door without promising anything.
"Good Luck Veronica."
She didn't even stop at her desk as she made her way out of the building. She'd never made any personalisation, never put any photos up, all that was there was stationary and she could pick that up anywhere. Veronica felt the weight lifting off her shoulders as the elevator descended. She knew it wouldn't last and the guilt was still there, at the front of her mind but her relief to be free was fighting for dominance and for now it was winning.
As she walked slowly back toward her apartment she had an idea. She pulled out her cell phone and dialled another familiar number. This one answered on the first attempt.
"Hey Veronica what's up?"
"Hey Wallace, how's it going? Any big plans this weekend?" She asked, leaning against a wall as she spoke.
"Oh yeah you know me, party boy extraordinaire, wild night on the town for me," he joked. "But other than that I'm free."
"Watch out ladies of Chicago," she said, smiling. She was surprised it didn't hurt to do so, it had been so long. "I'm going home Wallace... to Neptune. I just thought, I'd drop in on the way, been a while since I've been in Chicago."
"You ok Veronica?"
"Not even a little bit. I think my career with the FBI maybe well and truly over," she confessed.
"Shit."
"Yeah, but you know what? I'm not upset, I mean I am upset, but not about leaving," she said.
"It must be bad if you're going home," Wallace said, he sounded disbelieving.
As Veronica lent against the wall, she watched the people going about their daily lives as if the city hadn't been terrorised by a serial killer only yesterday. She saw to co-eds walking down the street arm in arm. Up until yesterday they could have been the next victims. She shook her head.
"It got pretty bad," she said.
"You gonna tell me about it?" Wallace asked
"Not over the phone no," she said.
"You going to tell me in person this weekend?" Wallace asked, he didn't sound hopeful.
"It's mostly confidential," she said.
"So that's a no?" He said.
"I'll tell you what I can," she offered
"What you can by law, or what you can bear to reveal?"
"Both, but Wallace it's really bad."
"Then tell me about it, I'm a big boy I'll cope," Wallace said with a sigh. "When you gonna get here?"
"As soon as you'll let me," she said hopefully, pushing off the wall and making her way to her apartment.
"Come whenever you can," Wallace said
"If I can get a flight tonight will I be welcome?"
"Of course."
"Thanks Wallace I'll see you soon," she said gratefully.
"Take care Veronica."
When Veronica got back to her apartment she booked flights to Chicago, and then connecting flights to Neptune a day later. She texted her father and Wallace to let them know her arrival times and then proceeded to pack up her life in New York.
It didn't take long before she had everything she needed right away in her suitcase. She thought over it for a while and then called the landlord to let him know her plans, she was certain now that she wouldn't be coming back. He agreed to cancel her tenancy the month at the end of the next month, it was a popular location and he shouldn't have any trouble filling the apartment. After that she arranged for movers to pick up the rest of her stuff and take it to Neptune the next week. When she was finished, she still had two hours until her Chicago flight with nothing to do to occupy her mind. She repacked her stuff twice, unpacked and cleaned everything again. Then packed it all again. She managed to kill an hour this way.
Veronica thought it was probably not a good thing that she was able to pack up her whole life in little over an hour. She wondered if she had never really settled in New York because she was just waiting to go home again. She sat in silence on her sofa, fidgeting nervously as she waited for time to pass.
When her cell phone rang she jumped to answer it, pleased to see it was her dad.
"Hey Dad," she answered.
"Hey sweetie, I got your message. I just wanted to tell you I'll be there to pick you up from the airport tomorrow night," he told her.
"Thanks dad."
"You're really leaving New York tonight?" He asked.
Veronica leant back into the sofa and thought about it. She couldn't wait to get out of here. "Yes," she said, hoping he would understand.
"Just like that?"
"Just like that."
"I saw your case on the news Veronica-"
"Don't dad, just don't I can't do this right now," she said, hanging her head. She hadn't dared switch on the TV, she knew exactly what would be all over the news.
"Has the bureau arranged any kind of counselling?"
"I'm fine," she said. "But yeah, I'll be seeing a shrink. Not that they can help."
"That's good." He sounded relieved over the line. "Well look I'd better get back-"
"No you don't have to go," Veronica said, a little desperation in her voice. "I'm all packed and ready to go," she informed him.
"Already?"
"Yeah."
"Veronica don't you think it says some-"
"Yes dad. It says that I never really settled here, but I already knew that."
She managed to keep her dad on the line for another twenty minutes, talking about the trivial things in his life. He apologised for boring her, but honestly it was the most exciting conversation she'd had in a while. When she told him as much she knew she'd worried him even more.
Veronica arrived in Chicago a little after nine. Wallace was waiting for her at baggage collection, she ran toward him already feeling lighter now that she was out of New York.
"Hey Wallace," she said, hugging him.
Wallace moved to let go of her but she held on, so he wrapped his arms around her again.
"Veronica?"
"I'm ok," she said, pulling back.
"That's quite a bruise," he said, pushing her hair back.
"Yeah faces tend to bruise when they're punched."
He shook his head and took her bags.
"Come on, let's go back to mine. You can avoid answering all my questions there," he said but he was smiling.
"You know me so well," she said, smiling back.
"What kind of best friend would I be if I didn't?" he asked as he led her out of the airport.
An hour later Veronica was in Wallace's living room, sipping a beer and avoiding his questions. Wallace was sitting opposite her on the sofa watching her with concern. It wasn't that she wanted to keep what happened a secret, she just didn't want to worry him, which she would is she disclosed full details of what had happened.
"Look Veronica you came here because you needed to talk to someone about this, and you don't want it to be your dad," he said.
Veronica shook her head. Damn he was good.
"I'll be seeing a shrink when I get home," she offered.
"Will you?"
"Yes," she said. She was being honest too, she was going to try therapy, although she was doubtful that it would help.
"And you'll avoid talking then too," Wallace said, getting up to get another beer.
"No can do, I won't pass unless I make progress in my sessions." She informed him.
"Which doesn't matter because you've told me you don't want to go back," he reminded her.
"Damn."
"I'm wise to your ways Veronica Mars. Tell me what happened, just give me something.
"Wallace-"
"I'm scared for you," he said softly.
Veronica felt herself relenting. "You know the case I was working on, with the NYPD?"
"Serial killer guy?"
"Serial killer woman," Veronica clarified.
"You were right then?" Wallace asked, looking impressed but not surprised.
"Damn straight I was right," she said.
"What did you do? You didn't-"
"I just did a little snooping. They were going after the wrong guy I knew it, I just wanted enough to prove-"
Wallace stood up, cutting her off. "Veronica this guy- this woman was obsessed with you. You knew she wanted you!" He said, voice rising.
Veronica could see he was angry, and decide it was best that he didn't know quite how badly things had gone after that.
"I had-"
"I don't care if you had a gun!" Wallace shouted.
"She had a girl, she was taunting me."
"Did you save her?"
"She's dead," Veronica said, shuddering as the image of the dead girl entered her mind.
"And you?"
"I'm fine."
"Veronica," he said, sitting down beside her.
"I'm fine," she repeated.
Wallace gave up. "So you quit?"
"Not in as many words but yeah I can't go back. When I… when it got bad I was scared and all I could think was is this it, this is what I've done with my life, is it worth this? At first it was exciting, the job. But these last few years I've been alone in a big city working depressing case after depressing case." She admitted.
"What are you going to do back in Neptune?" Wallace asked.
"No idea," she answered, this was the truth, she had no plan.
"You're going back for your dad right?"
"Yeah I really miss him." She was already feeling relaxed again now that the topic had shifted slightly away from her recent near death experience.
"And?" Wallace pushed, he was sitting with his feet propped on the coffee table, watching her with a knowing smile.
"And?" Veronica repeated, feeling confused.
"He who must not be named"
"Voldemort?" Veronica joked. She considered her real answer carefully. "Maybe," she said.
"Veronica-"
"No don't worry I get it. I know he's probably moved on-" Wallace snorted, but she ignored him. "But I need him in my life, even if he's just my friend. I miss him so much."
"Still?" Wallace asked, shaking his head in disbelief.
"Yeah."
"But you refuse to talk about him," he reminded her.
Veronica stood up and walked over to the window. She stared out at the snow covered streets of Chicago, and allowed her thoughts to drift to Logan, for the second time that day. She wondered what he was doing, she wondered if he still missed her. Maybe not like he used to but they'd been through so much together, that had to count for something right? She still thought of Logan as her oldest friend, even though she hadn't spoken to him in ten years, and she'd known Wallace just as long now. That had to mean something, she needed him as a friend if nothing else.
"Veronica?" Wallace called from the sofa.
She turned around and lent against the windowsill. "I thought it would make it easier but it doesn't."
Wallace was quiet for a while, thinking. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again.
"What?"
He hesitated. "Do you still love him?" he asked, bracing himself for defensive Veronica.
Instead Veronica stayed quiet, sipping her drink. "I think I always will," she said finally.
"Veronica it's been ten years."
"I know," she said, looking back out of the window again, waiting for Wallace to tell her it was a lost cause.
"He hasn't moved on either, you know." Wallace said instead, "I mean he's hardly pining away for you but he still misses you."
Veronica turned back to him. "What?" She asked, going back to the sofa.
"But he has a good life, don't take your shit to him." Wallace warned.
"I won't. I couldn't. Do you talk to him a lot?" she asked.
"Not really. But I try to catch up whenever I'm in Neptune."
"He's happy?"
"Yes," Wallace said, nodding.
"Good," Veronica breathed.
"Really?"
"Yes really, Logan being happy is important to me," she said.
"Even without you?"
Veronica thought about it, while she would be sad if Logan found happiness without her, the fact that he was happy was enough.
"Yeah."
"Well he is happy, he's different too, it's been a long time after all. Look him up when you get home. He'd be happy to hear from you." Wallace informed her.
"Really?"
"Really."
Wallace's assurances made her happier than she could have imagined. She made a plan in her head; go home, sort her head out, catch up with Logan, start her life again. With or without Logan.
"I'm going to go to bed," she said, standing up.
"Night Veronica," Wallace said, standing up too.
"Thanks for listening."
"I hope I helped," Wallace said.
"You really did."
Veronica headed to the spare room. In bed she lay awake for a long time mulling over her conversation with Wallace. She was not going back to Neptune for Logan, she was going back because it was home, where Logan happened to be. She also needed to be near her father again. Plus Mac was there, she made a mental note to inform her friend she would be back. Her thoughts returned to Logan, how would that go? Would he really be happy to see her, after she'd all but disappeared. Probably not, he'd probably be angry.
She'd left for her internship, telling him she needed time apart to sort her head out. Over the summer, being away gave her a lot of time to think and she'd come to the conclusion that she wasn't ready to go back to Logan. She loved him truly she did, but she wasn't ready to let him in. She wasn't ready to show him because she still didn't trust him. And what's more he trusted her too much and far too easily, she knew she'd hurt him too.
So she stayed away, never went back. At the end of the internship, when her mentor offered her a scholarship at Marymount she jumped at the chance. She'd loved the work she was doing, profiling came naturally to her and she ended up with a degree in forensic psychology. She had no idea what had happened when Logan went back for to find she'd transferred. She never let anyone tell her, but she missed him terribly, even wrote several emails that she never sent. She had hoped with time it would get easier and it did but she never stopped missing him.
Wallace had said her that he'd grown up since college. Maybe time apart had done them good. Well scratch that it hadn't done her any good, but if she thought about it she was wrong. She'd had a hard time lately, but she already felt more willing to open up, maybe she was just tired of being alone.
As her thoughts drifted to happy memories of their time together she hoped that would be enough to keep her nightmares away. She'd had regular nightmares since Lilly's death, the bus crash and the night on the roof of the Neptune Grand. She'd told Logan once, in a rare moment of openness, that he kept her nightmares away. He'd smiled and stroked her face, and told her she had nightmares every night and all he could do was hold her until they were over. She told him it was essentially the same thing and snuggled closer.
She woke up two hours later to Wallace shaking her shoulders. She flinched and pushed him back, ignoring the look of hurt and worry on his face. She pulled the sheets tightly around her.
"What happened?" she asked groggily.
"Veronica you were screaming," he informed her, frowning with worry. "What were you dreaming about?"
"The case." She wondered if she would see the death of Elizabeth Johnson every night from now on. She wondered if it would get easier.
"You are going to get help yeah?" Wallace asked.
"Mm." Veronica shrugged.
"Veronica."
"Yes I'll talk to someone," she said.
"What happened to you?"
"It was just a hard case," Veronica said, trying to turn away.
Wallace grabbed her shoulder. "Veronica tell me what happened."
"I got in trouble, it... I was almost killed," she admitted. "And I couldn't save the girl."
"Jesus. How?"
"I... It doesn't matter it's over now. I'm safe now and I'm not going back."
Wallace looked like he wanted to push the matter but he must have seen something in her eyes because he let it drop.
"Fine go to back to sleep, I'll see you in the morning okay?"
Wallace got up to leave but Veronica grabbed his arm. "Don't leave," she whispered, trying and failing to keep the desperation out of her voice.
Wallace didn't comment, just nodded and climbed onto the bed beside her. She was almost asleep when she heard Wallace talking; she stayed very still, listening to him.
"Yeah she's pretty bad," he said.
Veronica couldn't make out the person's response, but whoever it was spoke for a while.
"I think she was hurt, she got into a dangerous situation and its really shaken her," he paused waiting for an answer. "This time was different, she won't say what happened… just that she was nearly killed-"
Wallace was silent for longer this time, Veronica wondered who was on the other end of the phone.
"Yeah I know. Keith she's pretending to be ok now that it's over, but I really don't think she is. She's gonna need a lot of help. I'm glad she's going home," Wallace said.
"Yeah ok, good night Mr Mars, I'll send you a text tomorrow when she's on the plane.
So Wallace was telling on her? Veronica had wanted to keep the near death experience to herself, she hadn't even meant to tell Wallace but in her post nightmare haze it had just slipped out. Now her father wasn't going to let it drop, he was going to be watching her like a hawk.
Veronica still felt tired as she got on the plane; she'd hardly slept at all last night even with Wallace there. She'd gotten up first thing that morning and spent her Saturday exploring Chicago with Wallace. He had attempted to start up the conversation about New York just the once. After she'd stopped him in his tracks, he'd let the matter go and they'd enjoyed a nice day out.
She sat down in her seat and tried to amuse herself by profiling the other passengers. She made up backstories for all the people around her and was working on a guy sitting two rows in front of her when she drifted off to sleep. Almost as soon as her eyes closed she was transported back to the dark room Sheehan had held her. She was tied to the chair in the middle of the room, in her dream she knew no one was coming to rescue her. She was on her own and Sheehan held the needle to her throat, spitting hate about the sins she had committed.
Veronica twisted in her seat as she approached death in her dream, waking up with a start.
"Are you alright dear?" the woman sitting next to her asked, watching her with concern.
"Yeah just a bad dream," Veronica said, turning away from the woman to catch her breath.
No one else was looking thankfully, she hoped this meant she hadn't been screaming.
"About the plane? I wouldn't worry about it, the chances of crashing are very unlikely. My brother Robert is afraid of flying. I tell him every time, that driving is far more dangerous than flying." The woman smiled.
Veronica smiled back, ready to nod and agree, but obviously something was wrong with her lately.
"Actually I was dreaming I was being murdered," she said instead.
"Ah I... oh," the woman said surprised. "Is that a recurring dream?"
"I think it's going to be. I'm... I was FBI, working a serial killer case. It got bad. I think this is going to haunt me for a long time."
"Good god," the woman said, clutching a hand to her chest.
"Sorry you probably didn't want to hear that," Veronica apologised.
"Not at all, it's good to talk about it," the woman said. "My name is Maggie by the way. So why are you heading to California? Not more serial killers I hope."
Veronica wondered if she was considering changing her plans.
"No nothing like that," she assured her. "I'm going home."
"To your family?"
Veronica nodded.
"Husband?"
"No just my dad. It's sad isn't it? I'm twenty-nine and I'm going to move back in with my dad. I've been living in New York for four years and it took me a little over an hour to pack up my life."
Maggie nodded sympathetically. "Married to the job?"
"Yeah pretty much."
"Well perhaps you can find yourself a handsome man back home, to help chase away the nightmares. Maybe a surfer?" She suggested.
Veronica laughed.
"Something I said, not a fan of surfers?" Maggie asked.
"I used to date a surfer, a long time ago," Veronica explained.
"Oooh I sense a story here," Maggie said, rubbing her hands. "Come on spill, it'll make the flight quicker."
"Not really much to tell," Veronica lied.
"Painful topic?"
"Yeah. No actually not anymore. It was for a long time, I wouldn't even let my friends or family talk about Logan. I didn't want to think about him at all."
Maggie raised an eyebrow.
"I've missed him every day, I haven't spoken to him in ten years but everyday I've missed him."
"Wow. So you're going back for him?"
"No not... Logan's probably moved on, he's not the sort of person who can be alone. But even if he has I just want to see him, I need him in my life even if he's just my friend. I just think I'll be happier living near him.
"So you never-" Maggie clutched the arms of her seat as they hit some turbulence.
Veronica smiled. "I thought you weren't afraid of flying?"
"I'm not, I'm afraid of crashing," Maggie said calmly. "Anyway, you never moved on from your Logan?"
"I tried. Really I did. I just... I was so busy with work, I couldn't maintain a normal relationship. I tried dating other agents, but that was hard too. I've been single for nearly two years. The last couple of cases I worked took up my life."
"Because you let them?" Maggie asked.
"Yeah because I let them."
"You said you were an agent, did you quit?"
"No I'm on leave, but I don't think I can go back."
"I see. Now you're on leave maybe it's time to think about the direction you want your life to go, you've still got plenty of time. I never married, never had children. I have plenty of nieces and nephews though, I had such a large family I never felt lonely. Because I never tied myself down I was able to travel the world, focus on work. I've enjoyed my life thoroughly but I know it's not for everyone." Maggie said.
"I used to think I was better on my own, that I wasn't lonely." Veronica whispered.
"But in the moment..."
"The moment when I was about to die, I felt so alone. And when it was over I knew I had no one to go home to."
"Then it's good that you're getting away from that, it sounds like a horrible life. Go home be with your family, it's the best kind of therapy."
"Thank you for listening to me. Do you know I never open up but lately I can't help myself."
"Near death experiences will do that, it's probably a good thing." Maggie assured her.
"Maybe but I don't want my dad to know what happened, he'll only worry," Veronica said.
"Then you need to tell him you're not ready to talk about it." Veronica nodded and allowed Maggie to steer the conversation to a more pleasant topic. For the rest of the fight they discussed the exciting life the woman had led, never staying in one place for more than a year, living all over the world. Maggie clearly loved it, meeting new people she had friends everywhere, but to Veronica it sounded lonely.
Veronica said goodbye to Maggie at the gate. Who knew that talking to a total stranger could be so therapeutic? As she wandered through the terminal she felt dazed. It had been so long since she'd been here, but it still felt familiar. Although she was tired she was still excited, she couldn't wait to see her dad. Her talk with Maggie on the plane had got her thinking, she was tired of being alone. It was one thing to never settle down, but she hadn't even tried to make friends in New York. She had her work colleagues but that was it.
She collected her luggage and went to find her father. It didn't take her long, as soon as she spotted him, she ran to him and threw herself in his arms. As they wrapped around her she felt the tears welling in her eyes and she began to cry quietly against his shoulder.
"I've missed you daddy."
"Oh Veronica what happened to you?" He asked, running a finger over the bruises on her face.
"I'm okay dad, I'm okay. I... I can't talk about it yet."
"Veronica," he warned.
"No dad. I'll tell you soon, I will. Just not yet ok?" she pleaded.
"Alright well let's get you home shall we? "
"Yes please," Veronica said, handing her suitcase to her father.
As the stepped out of the main doors, Veronica smiled, it was good to be home.