KOEI Main Branch
14th Avenue, Fantasia St. America
TIME: 8:44 AM
(This address is completely fictional, just like this story and the game. Thank you. Also, I do not own anyone from the series. This is a parody story and is not to be taken literally.)
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It's an Early Morning for All.
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The room was buzzing with noise, with chairs and tables all lined up in a business like manner. A buffet was located on the sides, as a huge logo of KOEI hung beneath their heads on top of the roof.
"If I get my aim right," said Huang Zhong. He shot his arrow and it hit bulls eye, right on the red dot on the logo.
"Got it!" he grinned. "That's for making my buddies look like old shit!" He did a high five with Huang Gai and Sun Jian.
"I don't really mind the armor. I mean, it looks very sophisticated, and that means a lot coming from these guys. But I'm not really that old!" Sun Jian sighed. "You're telling me." Huang Gai said. He took a seat and grabbed an apple from the buffet.
"I know I say 'youngsters' a lot in the game, but white hair? That's crossing the line. Damn bastards are lucky I'm not bombing their headquarters."
"Maybe it's something you said in the DW6 press con. Maybe they took your suggestions to seriously, perhaps?" Huang Zhong asked, aiming for another letter on the logo. He was still very pleased that there were no pictures of him leaking out on the net about the latest installment of Dynasty Warriors; therefore, he still retained his old DW5 look. However, he did feel the pain of his fellow generation of having their age look off track.
"It could be," answered Sun Jian. The Wu ruler thought about it for a while, and snapped his fingers. "Damn it! Maybe they modeled me after that cocky half-demon from Capcom! I knew I said I wanted to be more popular with the gamers, but this really is crossing the line!"
Huang Gai sighed again, and threw his apple into the trash bin. "At least you get modeled by a fangirl magnet. I still look like a mugger."
Huang Zhong missed his aim and burst out laughing. Huang Gai gave him a threatening glare. He grinned in apology. "Sorry, old friend." He cocked an eyebrow. "No pun intended! I swear!"
Sun Jian glanced at Huang Gai and they both gave a long sigh.
"Tell that to KOEI."
The doors burst open and a series of shouts came ringing in. Cao Cao took a seat across the others and rubbed his temples. Another wail broke out from Xiahou Yuan and in turn, he received a big punch in the head from his…brother.
"What have they done to you, Yuanrang?" he cried. Xiahou Yuan slumped beside Cao Cao. "Just look at you, from Dynasty Warriors 3! You were the epitome of warrior! Now…" He took a glance and burst into tears.
Xiahou Dun rolled his eye.
"Would you quit your crying? You sound like a five-year old for God's sake! Just because those KOEI people changed my look a little doesn't mean I'm any less of a warrior than I am! Now shut up!"
Xiahou Yuan stopped momentarily, and then continued his wail. Cao Cao slammed the table with his fist. "My god, Yuan! Would you do as he says and stop this infuriating racket? It's too early for your womanly wiles!"
Huang Gai eyed Xiahou Dun, as he walked to the buffet holding his new weapon. He whistled. Xiahou Dun gave him a suspicious glance and shrugged, grabbing a box of nuggets and some barbeque sauce.
He sniggered as he saw Sun Jian, eating his bowl of cereal with glee. "Hah! So they finally made you into a gen-wars warrior! Finally, one step closer till you drop dead." Sun Jian growled.
"Oh, stick it in your other eye socket why don't you? You think I don't look at the mirror everyday? And what about you? Hmm?" he retorted.
The Wu ruler tried to find something wrong with Xiahou Dun, but the more he tried, the less he could find. He actually looked…attractive, by a woman's standard, of course. Dun smirked. "Well? Find anything, Dante? I mean, Sun Jian." Cao Cao sniggered.
Sun Jian almost broke his spoon. "That's it, you've gone far enough pretty boy! At least Dante's popular with the girls!" The albino pouted, rather immaturely. Huang Zhong was too busy aiming for all the letters on the logo and Huang Gai was trying to comfort Xiahou Yuan so they could all eat in peace.
Xiahou Dun smirked again. "What am I? Chopped liver? I'll have you all know, I actually like this new look they gave me. I finally get the popularity I deserve! They always use Mengde, or his brat. I never get used!" Xiahou Yuan broke free from Gai's, rather awkward, embrace and shouted,
"That's not true! I use you when I play the game!"
Dun sat down and started eating his nuggets. "Yeah, but you don't count. You use everyone in Wei anyway. You even have a specific day to use a specific character! Why don't you just stick with Lu Bu or something? It's pathetic! You even use those pathetic fan-wielding sisters!"
He pouted, "But I like Xiao Qiao's move set…"
Dun growled and bit into his nugget. "Please. At least the woman on our side uses a flute!" For some reason, Dun didn't find it any more menacing that the Qiao sisters.
Sun Jian broke from his angry gaze when a flying woman came smashing into the glass window behind him. Everyone looked around and saw three more smashing into the glass. Xiahou Dun gulped and almost chocked. "Oh shit, they found me!"
Huang Zhong asked, "Who found you?"
Xiahou Dun looked around rapidly and jumped underneath the buffet table. "Mengde! Use Plan A!" Cao Cao grumbled and ate the nugget from his plate. "Why should I? Ever since KOEI gave you that hairdo, all my fangirls have been going to you!"
Huang Gai choked on his orange juice and Sun Jian fell off his chair, laughing. "Xiahou Dun has fangirls now?!" he exclaimed, wiping the juice from his mouth. Before Xiahou Dun could reply, Sun Jian stood up and wiped a tear from his eye.
"You're surprised about that? I'm surprised that Cao Cao has fangirls! Bwahaha! What'd you do, Cao Cao? Gave them some milk? Mwahahahahhaa!"
Cao Cao's eyebrows twitched, "Hey! They got the pronunciation right at Warriors Orochi! It's no longer a pun!" His other nemesis continued laughing.
Huang Gai, deep in thought, ignored all the flying women outside the window and clasped his chin. "Xiahou Dun…and fangirls?" he asked himself. "If that's possible, maybe I—"
Xiahou Dun's head popped out from the table. "Hah! You wish! And why is it so surprising that I have fangirls?" He stepped out from the table and the number of flying girls doubled. He sighed, and smirked at Gai.
"I'm not at all surprised! Just look at me!" he cockily swished his new, shorter hair and one girl actually used a boulder to break the window. Everyone shouted.
"CODE RED! FANGIRL IN THE BUILDING!" Xiahou Yuan screamed, finally snapping from his wailing stage. Xiahou Dun grabbed his new weapon. "Finally! A chance to use this! Let them come, I'll slaughter the bitch that touches my new hair!"
Cao Cao grabbed his cousin by the collar, "You fool! Do you know what will happen if you kill a fangirl? Just run while you can! Grahh!" he screamed when a fangirl grabbed onto his leg. "Cao Cao! I lurve you! HAVE MY BABIES!"
Xiahou Dun kicked the woman and toppled a whole pile of them with her. "Back from the abyss you came!" He shouted.
Xiahou Yuan ran around in circles, "I thought you liked having fangirls!" He said. Xiahou Dun frantically used a chicken wing to distract a fangirl clinging to his waist.
"WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID? Don't answer that, OF COURSE I DON'T! THESE ANNOYING WOMEN ARE WORSE THAN THE CONCUBINES YOU BRING IN EVERY WEDNESDAY! I HATE THEM! I JUST LIKE MY NEW HAIR! I DIDN'T KNOW THESE ABOMINATIONS COME WITH THE PACKAGE!"
"You know," Sun Jian said, eyeing the Wei ruler and his lackeys from the other side of the table, which was by the way completely deserted. "I don't feel for them."
Huang Gai sighed. A tumble of weeds flew in front of them. "It's the whole, 'I'm almost topless thing', I know." Huang Zhong scoffed at the two. "Look at you! You should be happy those dog gone fangirls aren't mooching over your air!"
Sun Jian played with the hilt of his sword. "Yes, I know that. Xiahou Dun and Cao Cao are certainly not happy." Xiahou Dun used a bucket of gravy on one of them and pushed her out the window.
"But still," Gai sighed again. "It's not fair that those two get all the women, even if they are a little scary. I'm much more loyal to the Sun family then anyone in Wei! I mean, look at what happened to Sima Yi!"
Huang Zhong made shushing sound. "Quiet, you! They still don't know about that!" (1) He said. Sun Jian nodded gravely, and buried his head full of white hair into his hands. "I'm gonna know how Cao Cao feels when he finds out. My entire family worked up till their necks to try and unify China, and what do we get? Look at poor Zhou Yu!"
A fangirl crawled from the floor up to Sun Jian. Her eyes lit up and she stood dramatically, fluttering her eyelashes at him. The Wu ruler sighed and shouted, facing the young woman, "FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT FROM DEVIL MAY CRY! DO YOU THINK PEOPLE FROM THAT DAMN GAME WOULD HANG OUT IN A KOEI BUILDING? NOW GET!"
The fangirl put on her puppy dog eyes and cried out the window. Cao Cao gave him a thumbs up, "Nice job Sun Jian! You've earned yourself one fangirl!" He laughed maniacally and was silenced abruptly when another fangirl took the chance to tackle him to the ground. "GAH!" he shouted.
Huang Gai swore he could see the flames of his lords' anger burning on top of his head. It looked sort of silly, actually, but he kept silent and instead, focused on calming his lord down. "It doesn't sound as bad, milord!" he said. Sun Jian fumed and let out a stream of threats and curses, some not even known to man kind.
Huang Zhong sighed. He walked over to a black button under his chair and pressed it.
Xiahou Dun grabbed his new pole like weapon and pushed as many fangirls back out the window as he possibly could. Unfortunately for him, his new hair bounced as he did his assault, making the fangirls swoon and fall to the floor, defeating the purpose of his pushing and almost making him slip out the window instead.
"AHHHH!" He shouted, before Cao Cao grabbed him by his sleeve and pulled him up. "Are you alright, Dun?" He asked. Dun nodded as subtly as he could, so he could avoid his damned hair from bouncing up and down.
"Curse that L'Oreal shit." He swore. "I never should have used it!"
They glanced around half of the battle-stricken room. Cao Cao sat down, and stood up again after a few seconds. "Wait! Where's Yuan?!" Xiahou Dun let out a cry. "Oh! My dear brother!" he wailed.
"Died in the heat of a battle! How honorable! How courageous! I will never forget the life he has lived! Oh, woe is me!" he continued to cry. Cao Cao blinked in confusion. "What in the devil has gotten into you?"
Xiahou Dun walked over to the buffet table and pretended to cry. "Oh Xiahou Yuan, dear pathetic Xiahou Yuan." The volume of his voice went higher with every word, until he knocked over the buffet table and revealed Xiahou Yuan, unscratched, eating a whole bucket of chicken fingers.
He laughed nervously, "Uh…haha. Hello, brother." Xiahou Dun's eyebrow twitched and he pulled his brother up, forcefully. "What the hell were you doing when we were FIGHTING FOR OUR LIVES?!" he shouted.
Xiahou Yuan tried to scramble out of his brother's grip and failed miserably. "Well, the fangirls were all after you and Mengde, so I thought I'd chill for a while and I was really hungr—"
"AND SO YOU ABANDONED US?!" Dun shouted.
Cao Cao shot up from his seat and pried Xiahou Yuan out of his deadly grip. "Enough, the both of you!" he said. Dun pouted and set his weapon down next to the fallen buffet table. Meng Huo, clad in his morning pants, came inside and looked at the table. He cried, "Aww! I was looking forward to the Oats Galore!" He ran outside the room.
Sun Jian gave Huang Zhong a high five, "You snooze you lose, oh great king!"
Cao Cao sat down on his seat and sighed. "Is this how I'm supposed to spend my every morning, now that these damned pictures have leaked out? I pity you, Xiahou Dun." He scoffed and glanced around for his nuggets.
Huang Gai whistled nervously, after a loud belch. Dun eyed him suspiciously, but instead, let the crime go and sat down next to his cousin and fretting brother. "You should," he answered, "I feel like bull."
He grabbed an orange and started peeling it with his nails. "I swear Mengde, if I see one more of those blasted fangirls, I'm going on abstinence for a month. Or until I get tired of my new hair so I can shave it off."
Unfortunately for them all, the day has just begun and that was only the first round of chaos that they would meet for the rest of the hours ahead. Bad luck soon followed Xiahou Dun, who was new to the whole "bishounen" thing, when certain Shu officers entered the room.
Xiahou Dun dropped his newly peeled, fragrant orange and Xiahou Yuan took his spot behind the broken buffet table. "Oh dear god, kill me now." Cao Cao sighed.
"What?" asked Zhao Yun. "No, really, what's wrong?"
…
END.
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- If you don't know who actually ruled China, it's Sima Yi, or rather, his descendants who ruled and unified China into the Jin Dynasty. Not Shu, not Wu, Sima fucking Yi. I know right? XD I was surprised too.
So that was the first chapter of this crappy story. I'm rating it M for language and suggestive themes, but nothing else. Hope you enjoyed, don't flame me I'll fight back and bite you like a wolf bit Remus Lupin and read and review. :) See yah next chapter!