My Key To Live

Summary:

What is life like when you have to remember the worst part of your life, everyday? How do you cope, when the person you should cherish the most, is the cause of your worst nightmares? "Mommy, do you love me?" AH, E/B, M for adult themes, past situations and a HEA. No rape/cuttings, I promise!

Chapter 1: General Hospital Port Angeles

Bella

"Anthony, clean up your room right now!"

I'm so sick of this!

"M-Mo-Mommy…"

"What?" I look at Anthony who is trying to reach up to me from the floor to be held.

"I'm thirsty." he whispers as tears are rolling down his face.

"Well, too bad. Firstly, you're old enough to get your own drink. And secondly, I told you, when you finish cleaning up your room, we can finally have dinner. It's all your fault, Anthony. It is your fault."

Anthony picks up a truck next to his feet and tries to put it into the box where a few of his toys are in.

He has a hard time getting up and once he puts it into the box he looks at me again with tear filled and questioning eyes.

"Ugh, don't look at me like that." I say and leave the room to go into the kitchen and finish dinner.

It's Mac and Cheese and the only thing I can cook properly.

Almost 20 minutes later I go back to the room, fully prepared to tell him to clean up the room, again. But when I reach the door, Anthony's body lies next to the box with the toys and he is shaking. I rush to him and pull him into my arms. He's hot and sweaty; and shudders against me as I try to wake him up.

"Tony wake up, wake up little boy. What's wrong?" I say while shaking his shoulder. He opens his eyes and looks around.

"I'm sorry Mommy. I don't feel…" he whispers and tears start falling again from his eyes. His eyes close and he sacks against me.

I start to get scared. He is really hot and sweaty in my arms.

Shit! He has a fever.

I look at the clock and it's almost half past nine.

The Hospital it is then.

I walk out of the room, while I try to keep Anthony awake and on my hip. I grab my bag from the counter and head outside of the apartment to the parking lot. Once I reach the exit I rummage through my purse to get my car keys. It's cold and clammy from the rain and I notice that Anthony is still in his jammies, barefoot. I put him in the seat next to me and start the car. It roars like the 40 year old diesel machine it is as I drive out of the parking lot.

The hospital is about 15 minutes away but the trip feels twice as long. Ever so often I take a look at Tony but he is still past out cold.

The hospital lights shine onto the parking lot and I see it's almost empty only the reserved parking spaces seem occupied.

Hastily I take Tony back into my arms. I walk towards the entrance and exhale relieved because the ER is empty. On my left side I see the reception with a bored middle aged lady behind it.

"How can I help you, dear?" she asks me as I try a smile.

"I think my son has fever. He's shivering and feels hot. Do you think a doctor can take a look at him?"

"Please fill out this form and then I will let Dr. Cullen know. But it might take a minute or two, just wait over there and I will call you soon." she ensures me and I grab the sheet of paper and take a seat. Anthony wakes in my arms and I put him on the seat next to me.

"Where are we, mommy?" he speaks quietly.

"At the hospital." I tell him while I answer all the questions on the paper.

"We're going to see a doctor because you're sick."

"I'm sorry, Mommy" he whispers sadly. That's when I look up at him in the eye.

"Don't apologize. You can't change that you got sick. It's ok, Tony." I try to tell him soothingly as his face lights up.

Just then the door opens and a man in white walks to the nurse station. She hands him a paper that he looks at just one second until he looks quickly over to where we sit. He then takes a first step into our direction and a small, tired smile on his face.

"You must be Anthony." He says in a very calm, friendly voice and then looks at me. "Miss Swan, would you like to follow me so we can see what's wrong with your little boy?"

I nod and take Tony's hand in mine and we walk slowly to the exam room. Dr. Cullen takes a seat behind the desk and I give him my filled-out form. I put Anthony on the exam table and take the seat next to him.

Dr. Cullen looks up and the smile is on his face again. "I'm sorry Ms. Swan I didn't introduced myself. I'm Dr. Cullen and I'm the head physician of Port Angeles Hospital. Why don't you tell me why you're here?"

"Well," I start "Anthony apparently has a fever this evening. At least, that's when I noticed it, I mean." I stutter further and then exhale to calm myself "He was very teary eyed the last two days, but I just noticed that he was sweaty and hot an hour ago." I end and look towards Anthony who sits hunched over on the exam table with his hands in his lap, shivering.

Carlisle

I sit behind my desk listening to Ms. Swan tell me about Anthony's symptoms. She seems uncertain and almost afraid to talk. She's fidgety. Anthony looks pale and has fever induced shivers ever so often. He's in his pajamas, without shoes or even socks, I notice. I become wary and possibilities run through my mind.

I grab the stethoscope from around my neck and make my way over to Anthony who looks utterly exhausted up close. I sit next to him and ask him in my calmest and most assuring voice. "Anthony, I would like to take a look at you so I can find out why you feel so sick. Is that alright?" Anthony looks up to me but then turns towards his mother, she nods and he nods shyly back to me. I put my hands under his turtle themed shirt and try to listen to his lungs and if I can hear any rasping sounds. With a negative diagnosis I take a look into his mouth and ask him to say "Ahhh". His tongue is coated. After I feel his forehead and see that he has indeed raised temperature I look at Anthony again and smile "Anthony, I think you've caught the typical Autumn cold. You need some medications and after a few days you will be as good as new. How does that sound?" He nods shyly at me again and I take a look at Ms. Swan.

"Ms. Swan I think you son has a light fever, which is nothing to be concerned about. However, I would like to keep an eye on him during the night. He needs some more fluids because of his raised temperature and I would like to monitor his condition during the next 12 hours just make sure it is just a cold." I still look at her and wait until she raises her gaze and looks briefly into my eyes. "Is it alright with you, if we keep Anthony here during the night?" I continue, unsure what she will say.

"Yeah, that's ok by me." She nods and starts to leave the room quickly. Anthony cries out and holds out his arms out towards his mother. It's a heartbreaking moving and I notice my body turning towards Anthony in an attempt to soothe him.

Ms. Swan turns around but doesn't move closer to him. "Anthony you heard the doctor. You have to stay here tonight. I will come back tomorrow. Please be nice to the doctors and behave. Okay?" She says it in a clear, emotionless voice but something is wrong with her face. It shows something between relief and… despair? Deep, utter despair.

Before I can catch my surprised breath she is out of the door and I just hear it slide closed. Anthony stops crying but his tears are still falling as he trembles. His eyes drop again and he uses his sleeve to wipe his nose and leaves it stained with snot.

I gasp in shock at the situation that just played out before my eyes and utter "What happened to you to be so heartless?"

Puh, so first chapter is done *yay me*

How did you like Bella? Not your typical stumbling heroine, isn't she?

Guess who is going to be Anthony's pediatrician?

Remember this is my first attempt at writing, so leave me some feedback, I really need it!