Fillmore

Today's story: Gotta Catch 'em All

Act 1: Two Strikes, You're Out

At Vallejo's office, Vallejo, Fillmore and Ingrid are present

Vallejo: Fillmore! Ingird! Get your asses in here!

Fillmore: But, Chief, we are in...

Vallejo: One more word, Fillmore! Say one more word and I'll...

Fillmore: What? What will you do?

Vallejo: I'll screw your mother.

Ingrid: Fillmore doesn't have a mother.

Vallejo: Then I'll screw your father.

Ingrid: (shakes her head) Fillmore's black, Chief. He doesn't know who his father is.

Vallejo: Bitch, who said you can talk?

Fillmore: Alright. Stop this. Now what do you want with us Chief?

Vallejo: This is the most stunning case we have ever put forward.

Ingrid: Even more stunning than the body we found behind the school.

Vallejo: Ok, this is the second most stunning. The only black guy in the school is found missing.

Fillmore: Whoa. Wait a minute, white boy...

Vallejo: I'm Italian, dumbass.

Fillmore: What do you mean that he's is the only black guy in this school? I'm black too.

Vallejo: You? Black? (laughing) You're as white as Michael Jackson is on whole white bread with butter! You're as white as Ingrid!

Ingrid: This is only make-up...

Vallejo: Oh shut your white face, you emo bitch! (laughing harder) Fillmore, you're as white as an Englishman you just returned from France!

Fillmore: (shakes his head) Dawg. That doesn't even make any sense.

Vallejo: (sighs) I know. The writer for this fanfiction story doesn't know how to be racist.

Ingrid: So what kind of person are we dealing with here?

Vallejo takes out a file from his desk and hands it to Fillmore and Ingrid.

Vallejo: This black guy has been missing for three days. His name is Cornelius Fillmore and...

Fillmore: Wait, dawg. I'm Fillmore. I'm right here. I ain't missing.

Vallejo: Sorry. All of you black folks look alike. His real name is Marvin. I want you guys to go and find him. Ingrid, you go search for clues...

Ingrid: What about the other case? You know, the one where we try to find out why O'Farrell committed suicide five minutes after the opening credits?

Vallejo: Isn't it obvious? You two were in the opening credits. Did you NOT see the stupid dance that he did on stage? That was a cry for help! What kind of moron would try to dance like that and not kill himself?

Fillmore: What's my part of the case?

Vallejo: Go undercover as a black guy.

Fillmore: That's not really going to be a problem. Considering that I am black!

Vallejo: stares at Fillmore for a few seconds and then bursts out laughing) OH GOD! REALLY? Now get out of here, you porchmonkey!

Both Fillmore and Ingrid leave the office, with Fillmore furious.

Ingrid: He's just trying to get into your head, Fillmore.

Fillmore: But I want him in it. So deep...

Ingrid: No. Not that head. The one that carries your brain. (whispers to herself) That very small brain of yours.

Fillmore: (angry) Oh! It's because I'm black that I'm an idiot to you Asians.

Ingrid: But I'm not Asian.

Fillmore: What an Asian thing to say. I can't even understand you.

Ingrid: That's because you're black.

Fillmore: You're mad because O'Farrell is dead. Aren't you? You're taking it out on me so you wouldn't have to blame yourself.

Ingrid: (turns away from Fillmore and starts crying) He was my first partner.

Fillmore: Don't blame yourself. Blame that other Asian girl who works here. She taught him Dance Dance Revolution and he thought he could dance like an Asian. Well, Asians can't dance. He made a fool of himself onstage and everyone laughed. That was the last straw and that was it for him. He was drinking and he drove home but his eyes couldn't see... like an Asian's. And then he shot himself.

Ingrid: (stops crying) You're right, let's solve this case for the reversed Twinkie.

Fillmore: The what?

Ingrid: (turns to Fillmore) White on the outside, yellow on the inside.

Fillmore: How do we know them apart?

Ingrid: Reverse Twinkies can drive while regular Twinkies are on .

Fillmore: What about black people?

Ingrid: (chuckles and walks away) They don't count as people.

End of Act 1