COMIC CRACK!
By Skipper!
WARNING: This is apretty damn cracktastic fan fiction. If you are easily weirded-out by such things, I suggest you do not read. And if you don't like sexually explicit content, then you most certainly should not read. But if you love reading crack, YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE! Woot Woot!
BUM BUM BUMMM.......
It was a hot and humid Tuesday. Superman was sitting on his couch with a carton of vanilla ice cream while watching a Nazi documentary on the History Channel. He was extremely bored, but he had nothing better to do than watch TV unless he wanted to clean out the rat cage.
Suddenly it struck him; I should call a friend! Superman picked up the phone and called Green Lantern #3, but his answering machine said he was out golfing. So he called Flash, but got no answer. He called Batman, but hung up as soon as he remembered the bitch-slap fight they had with each other over who had a better popsicle stick joke. Then he called Donald Duck... finally! A response!
"Hey Donny, it's me, Clarke," said Superman. Donald began to speak, but his duck-like voice was too hard to comprehend over the phone. Superman hung up on him in mid-sentence.
Hanging his head, Superman decided he should garden his front yard. He walked outside to find his neighbor, Wonder Woman, planting flowers in her front windowsills.
"Howdy, neighbor!" she said with a cheery voice. Superman just looked at her. She was wearing a shorter skirt with a pink tank top that showed some cleavage. Superman was rather attracted.
Soon he remembered that he hasn't 'got it on' in quite some time. So he blurted out, "Let's have sex!"
Wonder Woman glared at him for a few seconds. "I'm Lesbian," she replied with a smile. This only made her seem more attractive.
Superman's impulse control suddenly went ballistic. He picked up Wonder Woman and brought her into his house and raped her.
Meanwhile Flash had decided to stop by. He received Superman's message and tried calling back, but no one picked up. Flash just assumed Superman went out to the Win Dixie Market to pick up some milk and bacon when he called.
Flash knocked and waited for a while. No one answered, so he knocked again. Faintly, Flash could here someone making animal noises. The door was unlocked, so he thought, Why not?
After opening the door, Flash walked through the front room and into the kitchen, where he found Superman and Wonder Woman rumbling and tumbling.
"HOLY FUCKPASTE!" Flash shouted, shielding his eyes. Suddenly he remembered he had this really expensive new video camera stowed in his underwear. He pulled it out and began video taping.
"Oh man! Superman's not gonna be known as the nice little boyscout anymore!" Flash declared, still taping. He zoomed in and got a nice shot of Wonder Woman's vagina.
--
Around two hours later, Wonder Woman was in extreme shock-mode. She had been released back to the sidewalk by Superman, and she was staggering into town, breathing heavily and angrily.
Suddenly, Batman comes walking down the street, licking a cherry Popsicle. He notices Wonder Woman and decides to greet her.
Wonder Woman sees him coming. Still in shock-mode, she decides she's not going to let what just happened happen again.
"How's it goin' Wonder—AHHH!" Wonder Woman ripped his balls off. Batman was then transformed into Batwoman.
After the bleeding stopped, Batwoman continued on down the road, happy as ever. She stopped in a lady's clothing store titled Betty's Boutique. (She thought it would be a good idea to get some more feminine clothes.)
Walking inside, Batwoman saw the most Pretty N' Pink dress she could find. It had white polka dots and a ribbon for tying around your waist. Batwoman took it to the counter, and as she pulled out her credit card, she noticed Robin. He was getting ready to try on a very fussy skirt, and he noticed Batwoman looking at him.
"Don't I know you from somewhere?" he asked her.
"Why, yes," Batwoman replied, "By the way you're looking mighty fine in those tights."
Robin turned around and walked toward the fitting room with his fussy skirt, pretending he didn't hear what she just said. He walked into his fitting room, closed the door, and locked it.
Batwoman bought the dress, stripped and put it on in front of the clerk (who had backed down under the counter, scared for her life), and slowly began walking toward Robin's fitting room.
She looked under the door and watched him change. She was so attracted by his bird-like figure that she slipped under, duct-taped his mouth, then his eyes, and raped him silently. She did it so quickly that Robin didn't know who or what had hit him.
--
Robin called an emergency meeting with the Teen Titans. Cyborg, Beast Boy, and Raven were all there; but where was Starfire? Beast Boy called her name, and a few minutes later she came down the stairs; half naked, her hair messed up, panting, and left everyone in an awkward silence.
"I don't even want to know what you were just doing," said Raven. Starfire rolled her eyes, pulled a T-shirt over her head, and sat down next to Cyborg who kept looking at her frilly panties.
Suddenly, a rather attractive, 23-year-old man came down the stairs in his underwear. He stopped to notice everyone was looking at him. He then sped out the door, dropping a box of condoms.
"Well..." said Robin, looking at Starfire, smiling, "It looks like I'm not the only one who has had an interesting day." Starfire scowls at him.
"Starfire has had more 'interesting' days than you would want to know," said Beast Boy. Starfire gave him a nasty glare, and he looked away from her, trying to hide the fact that he had been watching her have sex everyday through a hole in the wall.
"Anyway..." Robin began," I was in Betty's Boutique—"
"For what reason?" interrupted Cyborg, concerned. Everyone glared at Robin, who pauses awkwardly.
"Moving past that; I was trying something on and—"
"What exactly were you trying on?" asked Raven, trying not to laugh.
"I WAS TRYING ON PANTS! MANLY PANTS!" Robin shouted.
"Betty's Boutique doesn't carry 'manly' pants," said Starfire, giggling. Suddenly everyone was interested.
"STAY FOCUSED!" Robin roared. Everyone sunk into to their seats. "Now," he began calmly, "I was raped today—"
Everyone busted out laughing. Robin waited for a while with an annoyed expression for them to collect themselves. As soon as he thought they were all calmed down, he opened his mouth to speak, but everyone began laughing hysterically once more.
"WILL YOU ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP?!" Robin screamed. They all collected themselves and gave him their full attention.
"Alright then," Robin began again, "I was raped..."
A few people giggled under their breath.
"...but I couldn't tell who it was," said Robin.
"That's the main thing you should look for when you're raped is what the person looks like, ding-dong," Raven said, bluntly.
"My eyes and mouth were duct-taped!" Robin said, angrily.
"Kinky..." Cyborg said quietly. Robin gave him a look.
"Can we please just have a serious discussion?" he asked, annoyed.
"Yes sir," everyone agreed.
"Okay," Robin began, again, "Since my eyes and mouth were duct taped, I couldn't tell who it was."
"Did the person have a penis or a vagina?" asked Raven. A few people giggled faintly.
"A vagina..." Robin replied, awkwardly.
Everybody looked at each other for a second, then they all looked back at Robin and said all together with serious faces, "Spiderman."
Robin agreed with a nod.
--
Together, the Teen Titans decide to declare war upon the Justice League. Robin called up Superman and told him to gather up his team for battle on the soccer field outside of town. Superman said, "Okey Dokey!" and gathered his friends.
--
"B-b-but we don't want to go!" Batwoman whined. Everyone else agreed.
"You'll go or I'll rape all of you!" Superman declared. Everyone looked him up and down. They all decided they'd rather battle.
Superman decided his friends wouldn't be of much help since they were acting lazy, so he called up Bugs Bunny.
"Hey Bugs, it's me, Clarke," said Superman.
"Sup doc?!" Bugs Bunny replied.
"Look I need you and your fellow Loonies to meet at the soccer field out of town."
"What for?"
"The Teen Titans declared war upon us and it seems as though the Justice League won't be of much help."
Superman could hear Bugs chewing on a carrot.
"Alright doc, we got ya covered."
"Thanks, Bugs!" Superman said, ecstatic. "By the way, do you know where Bruce is?"
"Banner?"
"Yeah."
"Well... um... he's been on the toilet for the past hour and I don't sense he's still with us any longer."
Superman stuck his tongue out in disgust. "Okay... well... I guess we don't need him."
--
The Teen Titans were all gathered on one side of the soccer field, armed and ready. Soon enough, the Justice League showed up. They all had annoyed facial expressions except for Superman's overly excited face. Soon he realized that he was alone in this situation, and his smile faded away.
Out of nowhere, a private jet crashed with a very loud BOOM! Coughing with a few hacks here, the Looney Toons came out through the fire and flames.
"The Looney Toons?" said Robin, confused as ever.
Surely enough, the Looney Toons were here, ready for retaliation.
"HITCHAAAA!!" The Teen Titans darted forth, their weapons raised.
"GAHEA!!" The Looney Toons sped forward, yelling out Gibberish and holding up water noodles.
"Shazzam......." The Justice League pushed themselves to care even the slightest bit. They walked slowly into the battle, hanging their heads, and soon enough, they were all demolished (except for Green Lantern).
With a lot of punching, kicking, firing of guns, stabbing, and a few nerd-slapping here and there, this war was definitely something. Daffy Duck fired a bazooka that came out of his panties while his Toon buddies were tossed and thrown with their noodles bent and broken. Porky pig stood back and laughed, but then Green Lantern blew him away with his ring. But sadly, Green Lantern was dead soon.
Robin came up behind Spiderman, so eager to get his false revenge. He hit poor Spiderman over the head with a club, and he dropped to the ground, lifeless. Batwoman came up behind Robin and ass-raped him. Robin died of indignity.
Starfire left because she would rather have hot sexxx. Superman was shot in the head by Daffy's bazooka. Cyborg tackled Bugs Bunny, broke his neck and killed him, then Elmer Fudd head-butted Cyborg and knocked the wind out of him. After a few minutes of suffering, Cyborg was dead as well.
Twenty more minutes of extreme chaos went by, and left everyone dead—except for Daffy Duck and Raven. Daffy Duck laughed insanely, then aimed his bazooka at Raven. "Here we go, little girl! HEH HEH HEH!" Daffy pulled the trigger.
Looking up, he noticed Raven had vanished. "Hmm... did I really blow her that far?"
Standing right behind him, Raven snapped Daffy's neck with her bare hands. She was officially the last one standing. "That was interesting..." she said, then flew away, bored.
Soon, an army of Green Lanterns came to the scene.
"What happened here?" One asked.
"I don't really know," said another.
"Let's get take-out!" said the fat one.
They all agreed and went back to the shack.
Flash came out of the bushes and turned off the Record Button with a very wide grin. He had footage of everything that happened in this story.
--
At home, Flash uploaded the footage to his computer and opened Window's Movie Maker. He edited the movie and added a song from his favorite Twisted Sister album to the opening and ending credits.
"I'm going to be a YouTube STAR!" he shouted. Then his mother came into the room and yelled at him to shut the fuck up. (She was watching her favorite Soap Opera.)
THE END!