A/N: Yeah, this one's dark. I've just been doing bad again lately and writing this whump!Merlin made me feel a little better. Takes place just before Goblin's Gold I think. It's a one shot right now but could easily turn into more.

Warning: Self-Harm/trigger warning

Disclaimer: I don't think anyone would want me to own Merlin

He did not just say that. The king did not just give Morgana the credit for ending a siege she and Morgause had started. Morgana met Merlin's eye as she took her place next to Uther. Her smile no longer held a sense of mirth and sweetness. No, now it was seductively sinister.

How can no one else see that? Merlin thought. Where is the Morgana I used to know? Merlin knew if anyone else was in his shoes they would probably be feeling utter dis-contempt towards Uther's ward, but at the moment, all he could feel was sadness. Emptiness. Remorse. It was his fault that Morgana had turned out this way. He had been the one who poisoned her; the one who had let her fall into Morgause's corruptive power for a year.

That night he tried to tell Gaius how he felt. Gaius didn't understand. He felt that Merlin should be fearing Morgana. Merlin asked him how anyone could be so full of such hate.

"Don't let that happen to you, Merlin."

Merlin slowly twisted his spoon around in his bowl. It wasn't other people that he hated, the only person he hated was himself: the monster he had become.

After helping tuck his royal arse-ness into bed that night, Merlin made his way back to his room. It was late, Gaius was already snoring in his bed and the fire was starting to die down. When Merlin had closed the door to his room he rested his forehead against it and felt his breathing become less and less steady.

"Bord, wiþ stende hine," he whispered with his palm against the handle. There was a small 'click' and Merlin knew that even if a key was used, no one could unlock the door. He then checked to see if the Silencing Spell he periodically placed on his room was still up—it was.

Moving slowly away from the door, Merlin made his way to his bed. He lifted his mattress up and with a quivering hand pulled an herb cutting knife out. He turned around and sat on the floor with his back against his bedside. His breath became more and more jagged with each exhale.

Merlin shrugged out of his jacket and tried to slam it angrily onto the floor, but only managed to bang his fist against the floorboards since the fabric was so light. His breath hitched and let out a small choked noise after finally exhaling. No more waiting. Looking down at his arms he saw all the lines from the past few months—all in various stages of healing. Locating a pale white patch that didn't seem to be covered enough with them, Merlin gripped the knife in a shaky hand and made a brutal first slice—the tears finally allowed themselves to come.

He hacked again and again; criss-crossing and cutting into his flesh and only able to think, you deserve this you good for nothing. However, he could barely feel the wounds smarting because all the feeling in his mind was focused on release.

"Don't let that happen to you, Merlin," Gaius' words reverberated back into his mind; it only made him cut deeper. His hate was towards no one else but himself. So what did it matter? I deserve to hurt; I've hurt to many other people, I need to hurt. He aggressively lifted his trouser leg in search of more pale skin that needed to be stained red. Destiny Merlin thought I'm not doing it properly, I keep fucking it up. What's the point to it if you can't change it? I was the one who pushed Morgana away by trying to help her. You could have tried harder. You never try hard enough. You didn't even try to save Freya. It's your fault she's dead. It's your fault Father's dead. Arthur can't even know he was your dad. What's the point to anything anymore?

After a few more cuts on his leg, Merlin shakily put the knife down and leaned back into his bed frame. Tears were starting to finally crust on his cheeks but blood was still flowing out of his wounds. Merlin lifted his arm so he could admire the large, dark, bubbles pooling out. Putting his arm back down, Merlin closed his eyes for a moment to concentrate on breathing normally again. All his energy was spent out, but he finally felt better again. However, recently Merlin noticed it had taken more and more cuts to numb his senses. The numbness was also starting to wear off sooner than ever before.

With a quiet scourging spell, he cleaned the blood from his arm and leg, climbed into bed, and fell asleep through a new wave of tears.