Title: Miss You
Author: Sherry
Email: junruichen@aol.com
Summary: Harry's POV as he wonders what's wrong in I'm Not In Love
Pairing: Harry/Draco
Rating: NC-15 for the implication of SLASH.
Archival: Please do not post on your website without explicit approval from me beforehand. I'm not particularly fond of this story and I would rather not have it in a place where too many people can see this wreak.
Author's Notes: Another cliched, fluffy songfic that I've been meaning to do. There was supposed to be a Harry side of the story, but I hadn't found the right song until now. The song is Miss You by Westlife. I cut most of it out because it repeats itself like four times but the full version of the song is at the end.
You might want to read I'm Not In Love before reading this story. I don't think it's absolutely necessary, but it would be best.
Also, I've mentioned their "coming out" a few times in the story. If you're interested in how that happened, it's described in my other fanfic "And On..."
Last note: Let's believe there is no Voldemort for a moment and that he had been vanquished at the end of the fifth year so Draco and Harry got together without Voldemort looming over them.
Author's Warnings: SLASH and extreme fluffiness.
Harry smiled as he went hand in hand with Draco through the halls of Hogwarts. All around them people were commenting on them, saying how sweet the public display of affection was. But Draco as always, was totally oblivious. Harry snuggled closer to him, enjoying this freedom. He remembered back in the days when they hadn't had gone out yet, and how they had to hide their relationship from everyone, how it had been to keep their hands from touching, and how their forced fights had been so hard to simulate. But, Harry thought with a grin, luckily that stage is long gone...
"Hey," Draco chided lightly, breaking into his thoughts. "You better be thinking about me with a smile like that."
They stopped and Harry wrapped his arms around Draco. He dropped a small kiss on his lips. When he pulled away, he grinned again. "Always."
Draco rolled his eyes but didn't pull away, a small smile tugging on his lips. He opened his mouth to say something but before he got a chance, he was interrupted by a loud shout behind them.
"Oi! Stop that!"
Sighing, Draco pulled away from the embrace, one arm slung around Harry's shoulders. He leaned in close to whisper in Harry's ear as he observed the two approaching them, "Are you sure I can't curse him?"
"Be nice," Harry hissed. "You promised."
He smiled at the forced smile on Draco's face. While the blonde at first refused to have anything to do with any of his friends, he had relented a bit after he had seen how much it meant to Harry that his boyfriend got along with his best friends. Over time, Draco finally got used to spending time with Ron and Hermione, and they accepted Draco, but that didn't mean either of them could forget their past.
But they were willing to get along for Harry's sake and that was fine with him. As long as they didn't end up killing each other, he was fine with any reason that would keep them from coming to fists or wands.
"Ron," Draco greeted cordially as possible under the circumstances. "How nice of you to interrupt."
Ron waved the comment off, looking away for a brief moment. "If I hadn't interrupted, you would have been going on and on and then you'd be late for class and you know just how much Snape loves Harry."
"Come off it," Harry denied. "We wouldn't be going on and on."
Ron gave Harry a pointed looking, making him sputter all the more. "Yes, you would and you know it. It's not like it hasn't happened before."
"I think it's sweet," Hermione chimed in. "But Ron has a point. Once you get going, there's nothing stopping you."
"Sweet?" Draco echoed, his mind latching on to that one word. "It's not...sweet."
Harry wanted to laugh at the face Draco made at the mention of sweet. Heaven forbid anything a Malfoy does to be considered sweet. "Whatever it is, I would have been much happier if you hadn't interrupted." He sent a lecherous look to Draco, causing him to shiver unconsciously. The smile on his face widened; he just loved the surge of power he had over this blonde boy. But if he was truthful to himself, he would have admitted that this blonde had the same amount of power over him.
"Guys?"
Both Harry and Draco had to disentangle themselves from each other as they heard Hermione's voice.
"Sorry," Draco apologized, his voice rough.
A year ago, he would hardly have apologized to Hermione, Harry thought absent-mindedly. It still surprised him how far Draco had grown ever since their coming out a year ago. Of course, the change had already started two years ago, but it was that single moment that had accelerated and changed both their lives.
It was the way Hermione sighed in resignation that had Ron grinning.
"You see? You see!" He pointed to the way the two of them were practically clinging to each other, and how only just a look had instigated this moment. "If no one stops you, you'll be shagging yourselves to death."
"But what a way to go," Draco added. "I wouldn't mind it if it's with Harry here."
Harry fought the urge to burst out laughing. The feeling of happiness that threatened to overtake him at every moment of the day gushed through him. These last two years had been the best of his life -- he had someone who loved him as much as he loved them and his friends accepted the relationship despite heavy reservations. Nothing could hurt him now -- he had the perfect life. He was sure of it. Nothing could ruin this.
"We should go, shouldn't we?" Harry asked Draco reluctantly, taking pity on Hermione whom he knew would want to get to Snape's Potions' class as soon as possible.
Draco shrugged. "I guess."
"You--" Hermione nearly shrieked. She calmed herself, visibly trying not to reach out and throttle the pair. "Let's just go."
Ron nodded, thinking that would be the best option. He grabbed Hermione's hand and together they waited until Harry and Draco were ready.
"I'm going to the library after class to research that essay for Defense Against the Dark Arts," Draco announced. "Join me?"
He was about to say he would love to -- he would jump at any chance to spend time with Draco -- when Ron paused ahead of them and answered for him.
"He can't."
"What?" Draco asked, looking at Harry.
Harry felt put out when he tried to explain.
"He has a Quidditch practice today after Potions -- don't you remember?" Ron prompted. "We have to practice if we're going to beat the Slytherins next week." He sent Draco a sideways look. Ron had finally gotten on the Quidditch team after so many years of trying and he took each practice very seriously.
"Well, yeah, but..." Harry fumbled, sending an regretful look at Draco. "I guess I can't, but we'll see each other at dinner? It's your time to sit with us," he asked hopefully.
"Of course. Besides, I think I can do without the mighty Potter for a few hours." There was nothing but amusement in Draco's voice.
"Great," Harry said as they turned a corner. "Then I'll see you."
"You're not leaving yet; we've still got Potions," Hermione interjected impatiently. "And we're going to be late if we don't go now."
Grabbing Harry's hand again, the four of them walked to Potions. They got there with less than a minute to spare.
Potions with Draco were the highlight of his school day, a break in normalcy. They had only two classes together but Potions was the only class where they were allowed to be together. It was more Draco's doing though. He had a way of getting to their Potions' Master like no other student could and even convinced the unapproachable man to pair them together each Potions class.
Working together, it was sometimes a bit hard to concentrate, but Draco always kept them on track, even when Harry had better ideas of how they could spend their classwork time. Sometimes it seemed as if Draco worried even more about his grades than Hermione did. But still it was always fun to be so close to the person you loved and to be working with him.
This Quidditch practice was the longest yet. He couldn't wait to get out and for them to adjourn for dinner. He knew it was stupid of him to be looking forward to seeing Draco when they were only apart for a few hours. But each time he was away from him, it seemed like an eternity had passed. And each time they saw each other again, it was always as if they had never parted.
Harry grinned as he thought about how he and Draco would spend tonight, having dinner and then going to the Gryffindor Common Room to work on their homework. They had taken to going to each other's Common Rooms a while back and it had been so long that it was practically accepted by everyone now.
"You could at least pretend your mind is on Quidditch," Ron scolded him.
Harry swung around on his broom, looking sheepish. "Sorry, it's just that..."
"I know what it's like." Ron gave him a smile. "It's only another hour. You can at least last that long." Ron turned on his broom. "It's not like something can happen in the next hour."
Despite the desolate feeling he felt each time he parted from Draco, Harry knew his red-haired friend was right. What could happen in the next hour? Sighing, Harry turned as well, trying to curb the melancholy feelings. "I know." And with that, he tried putting his mind on Quidditch instead of the person he would much rather be spending his time with.
"Where is he?"
Hermione and Ron gave each other worried glances as Harry once again scoured the Great Hall for the blonde boy he had been waiting for.
"I'm sure he's just late," Hermione reassured.
Harry paused in his search to turn to look at her. "That's what you said ten minutes ago and he's still not here." As soon as the words were out of her mouth he turned away to scan the room again.
"Where is he..." Harry muttered to himself, not seeing Draco anywhere. Usually that platinum head of his was like a homing beacon, something very hard to miss even in a room full of Hogwarts students.
"Maybe he forgot the time?" Ron tried, reaching for an explanation. He forked a piece a meat and held it in his hand. "Hermione does it all the time when she's in the library squirreling away at a research project."
Hermione was about protest at being likened to a squirrel -- she was self-conscious about her hair -- but before she could, she caught Ron's look to her and thought better of it. "Ron's right, Harry," Hermione added helpfully. "I bet he just got absorbed into that essay and forgot it was time to eat."
Harry frowned, not believing it. "But we made a promise to meet up -- Draco wouldn't break it."
"Wouldn't he?" Ron asked candidly.
"No," Harry bit out, glaring at Ron. He had thought they had gone beyond this. "He wouldn't."
Sighing, Ron rubbed a hand over his face. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? That was a bit out of line--" He ignored Harry's grunt of assent. "But you've been with the guy for twenty-four seven since you two came out -- don't you think it's time to ease up a bit? Give the guy some room."
Harry looked down on his plate, contemplating what Ron was saying. Had he been crowding Draco? He tried to think back over the last year and he couldn't remember a moment when it seemed that Draco wanted to be somewhere away from him... No...not really...
There was the fact that so far in their two years of being together, Draco had never told him that he loved him. He had whispered it a few times, in the afterglow of their love making but never had it been reciprocated. He wasn't concerned overly about it -- he knew declarations of love were hard for the blonde, knew that it wasn't what he does but still he was holding faith that he might hear those elusive three words someday.
Swallowing, Harry turned to Ron. He tried giving him a small smile. "I guess you're right. Just one dinner alone can't hurt me. I'll go over the library later with a plate."
Ron gave him a grin and his friends went back to eating, but Harry didn't have much of an appetite any more. He picked at his food, swirling it around the plate, taking an occasional bit to avoid being too obvious. Disappointed, he wondered why Draco couldn't have just told him that he might be working through dinner and they might not be able to meet. He would have been a bit discontented but at least it would have been better than having him wait all through dinner and not showing up.
That nagging sense of something being wrong was still with him, annoying him but he tried not to pay much attention to it. It's stupid, he thought, dismissing his concerns. He got the same feeling whenever Draco left him for any period of time, a carryover from the time when he was shagging him in secret and he just realized he had feelings for the boy. It's just an irrational fear -- no base in reality, he tried to convince himself. It was the same thing he told himself every time back then when they would go back to their respective rooms, alone.
When they were still together in secret, it had always felt that their whole encounters could be brushed away under the rug, forgotten just easily like that. There were no reassurances, no guarantees. There was nothing stopping them from coming apart but he had hoped that after they had gone out, it would tie Draco to him in some way.
He knew it was devious and underhanded, but he needed something that told him that he wasn't going to lose this boy who had started to mean to him a lot more than he had intended.
Harry brushed away his worries. Smiling at himself, he was probably just worrying over nothing. Draco was his -- there was nothing that could change that now.
"Draco?" Harry called out softly, trying to find the blonde. "Are you here?"
"Mister Potter!"
At the sudden voice, Harry started. He whirled around, holding onto the plate of food he had in his hands securely, trying not to let it fall. "Madame Pince!" he exclaimed as he looked on the librarian who just seemed to appear out of thin air behind him. Maybe she did... he thought, wondering what did he really know about the mysterious librarian.
She looked disapprovingly at him and at his plate of food. "There's no food allowed in the library."
"I know, Madame Pince." Harry tried to look reproachful. He licked his lips, glancing around the dark library. "But Draco missed dinner and he said he was coming here to work on his DADA essay..."
"Yes, I'm quite aware of Mister Malfoy. I'm afraid you won't be able to find him here. He was here earlier, but he left rather suddenly over an hour ago," Pince informed him.
Over an hour ago? He rolled the thought in his mind, turning it around. It made no sense; why would Draco leave over an hour ago? The first few stirrings of worry started to tingle within him, making him wonder about his love. What could have kept him? Where could he be?
With her duty done, Madame Pince left the confused boy standing by himself with only his thoughts occupying him. Harry barely registered her leave, instead, he slowly ambled towards the exits, a small frown settled on his lips.
This is unlike him... Draco was nothing, if not punctual. Sure, he was uncaring most of the time to others' feelings -- he had gotten better since they had become lovers -- but he never broke a promise, vow or otherwise. It was just against his Malfoy upbringing. There was something to be said about Purebloods -- they took their word very seriously and Draco never gave it lightly. If he did, then it was as good as done. You could always count on that.
So for Draco not to have met up with him when he said he would, it would mean that something must have happened. And when something happened, it was usually never good, at least when it concerned either Draco Malfoy or Harry Potter.
"Damn it, Draco," Harry cursed under his breath. He came back to his senses quite suddenly. His stride transformed from the sludgy amble he had been using during his confusion to a stronger, more forceful stalk. Trusting his body to take him where he needed to go, Harry kept his face blank and set. Worry and anger warred inside of him, causing his already turbulent emotions to magnify tenfold.
How Draco could be so heartless to leave him hanging without first telling him! He knew Harry would be waiting for him; he knew and yet he did nothing. He thought they were beyond keeping secrets from each other but maybe he was wrong.
As soon as he got there, he was going to tear Draco a new one. He could envision all the things he would say -- after he was satisfied that Draco was alive and well and had only unnecessarily worried him. His mind kept leaping to the most worst possible conclusions, which he staunchly tried to deny. I'm overreacting -- right? God, I hope so.
He soon made it to the Slytherin Dungeons. Harry had made the trip many times before, but this was the first time when he allowed anger to carry him here. "Squeery," he spat, remembering what the current Slytherin password was. But the stone wall refused to move. "Squeery," he repeated again, feeling impatient. Still, it would not open. "What's wrong with you?" he muttered as the wall refused to budge, glaring at the cold hard stone.
For a moment he wondered if there was something wrong with the wall -- it wouldn't be the first time that he was locked out of one of the Houses, but usually it was because of something else. And it was just a wall. There was no reason why it wouldn't open to him, especially if he had the right password. Unless... Harry supposed. Unless someone changed the password. But that didn't make sense. Draco had it changed only two days ago. They usually lasted a week before it was changed again.
But if it had been changed since the last time he had been to the Slytherin Dungeons, which incidentally was also the same night Draco changed the last week's password, then why hadn't Draco come to him with the new one? He usually did, without fail. He was reliable in that aspect.
Harry glared at the insufferable thing. "How can it not be the password? I was there when Draco change it himself!" he said, more to himself than anything else. He glanced sideways, trying to see if there was anyone out in the halls staring at him talking to a wall. No one. It was just as well. At least there's no one here to see me make a fool of myself, standing alone holding a plate of food in my hands... he thought, glancing down to the awkwardly held food he brought for Draco. Somehow through his walk to the library and to the dungeons, the plate had still stayed in his hands.
He sighed, debating the options. He could either leave, try and talk to Draco tomorrow or he could stay there and yell through, hoping someone hears him and lets him in. I wonder if that'll make me feel any more foolish than I do now... "Draco! Draco! Come on, Draco! It's Harry!" he yelled, blushing even though there was no one around to hear him. And he didn't even know if his voice could penetrate the stone wall. "I know you're in there! Let me in!" In his head, he moaned at the way his words sounded. He hoped that inside the dungeons there wasn't anyone who was listening to him, because to him he sounded like a desperate, jealous lover.
Harry fell silent. After standing there for nearly fifteen minutes total, he still wasn't any closer than he had been when he had first arrived. He glared at the wall, wondering if his wand would have any effect on it. He growled in frustration, throwing his hands up and turning away. He knew he couldn't do anything to force it open -- at least not with magic anyway.
His eyes widened as he watched the boy in front of him, trying to sneak away. A grin spread across his face as he lunged to catch the boy. The plate fell from his hands, crashing on the floor, but he didn't care as his eyes fell upon another chance. "Greg! Nice to see you here!"
Goyle jumped up in shocked, spinning around to face Harry. He had been trying to sneak away ever since he had rounded the corner to see Harry yelling at the wall, but obviously he hadn't gotten away quick enough. His mouth opened, but then closed as he realized he didn't know what to say in this awkward moment.
Taking a few steps forward until he was crowding the Slytherin, Harry observed the "deer caught in headlights" imitation. "Sneaking away from me? And here I thought we were such good friends..." Harry tsked.
"I...I..." Goyle stammered. "H-Harry...What are you doing here?"
"Oh, nothing. Coming to see Draco. You know he wasn't at dinner tonight... Thought something might be up..."
"Really?" Goyle tried to smile but instead it looked more like a grimace. "I didn't notice."
"No matter," Harry waved off. "But since you're here...Why don't you let me in?"
Goyle sobered up instantly, his earlier shock passing quickly; Harry could almost see the walls being erected up between the two of them. Draco had the same talent, he marveled to himself. "Let you in," he repeated cautiously as if he wasn't sure if he had heard it right the first time.
Harry nodded slowly and solemnly. "Yes, in." He pointed to the door to emphasize his point. "How about it?"
"How about no?" he answered coldly. "I've got other stuff to do than let some stupid Gryffindork into the Slytherin Common Room. Besides, shouldn't you be able to in by yourself?" he added smugly before trying to leave.
His comments hit him squarely. It had been a while since he had heard those insults, a long while. Somehow, he knew this had to be Draco's doing. He grabbed the boy before he left, yanking him back him until the boy was face to face with him, glaring at him. "I can't, but somehow I think you know that."
Goyle didn't answer, but he didn't try to move away.
"Someone," Harry continued, "changed the password on me." He looked at Goyle who was looking away from him. "You wouldn't know anything about this, would you?"
Goyle pulled out Harry's hold, looking at him candidly. "I don't," he responded briskly. "And I'm going to leave now Potty." Glaring at him one last time before he went, he said one last thing. "And I suggest you do the same and never come back here. You're no longer welcome here."
He left and left Harry feeling awfully bereft. There was no reason for Draco to be hiding from him -- Could there? the little voice inside of him prompted and all the insecurities he had always felt struggled to come to the front of his mind. They were always there, nagging him in those little moments when he would whisper I love you to Draco and he wouldn't hear a response or when he did something incredibly romantic and Draco only seemed to want to get away, but usually he was able to refute their claims and push them into the back of his mind. He hadn't truly listened to them in ages -- not since they had gone out with their relationship to the whole school.
But now... It was the first time Draco had ever tried to cut him off, tried to avoid him without even talking to him first since the beginning stage of their relationship. And now, he was starting to feel that sense of fear that something was wrong and he could do nothing to stop it.
He stayed there, outside of the Slytherin Dungeons for a good part of the night, stubbornly refusing to leave. And if it hadn't been for Filch and his stupid cat he wouldn't have. He'd even tried to barge his way in a few times when some Slytherins were returning for the night but he was never successful to his dismay. And each attempt got him a little bit closer, but each time he would be thwarted. He spent a lot of time glaring at the cold, hard wall that was the only thing separating him and Draco. He could see what he would do if he had gotten in as clearly as he could see his hand in front of his face. But he could never get close enough to turn his thoughts into a reality.
Inside of him, his thoughts rolled and turned in his mind, taking his insides with them. He tried to be reasonable, not to judge until he had all the facts, but moment by moment, hysteria crept on him. He was beyond madness -- the initial burst of anger dissipating as quick as it had sprung up. Now all he wanted to do was to see Draco, to have his lover in his arm and to comfort him that everything was okay. That was all he wanted.
But wants are rarely satisfied, especially when you are Harry Potter. Why should tonight of all nights be any different? Even when he desperately needed it to be?
Days passed without much result. Everyday he would wake up early and go to the Slytherin Dungeons before even the crack of dawn to await the exit of his love, but even though he dallied until it was almost time for class, he was never rewarded with even a glimpse.
At mealtimes he would strain to look at the Slytherin table, which for some reason was harboring malignant feelings towards him. It seems as if he wasn't welcome over on that side of the table any more and even though Draco was never there to command them, Harry knew the blonde-haired Slytherin had something to do with it. And with the password being changed and him being excluded in the knowledge of it. Even the tentative friends he had made in that house (he had found that not all Slytherins were despicable snakes) refused to help him. And he thought he was going along well with them! No one but Draco could wield that much power over his house.
Once he had admired Draco for his effective show of leadership -- now he despised it. It was just another thing separating them.
The first week wasn't so bad. Besides the constant longing and loneliness and him being caught between two places -- his love he knew he still felt for the boy and his anger he was riding because of the way said boy was avoiding him -- he was dealing with it. Really he was.
Did it matter to him that the only person he had really truly loved was avoiding him for no apparent reason?
Did it matter that he was even depraved of simple pleasures such as being partnered with him in Potions? Another doing of Draco, he was sure of it. He had Snape wrapped around his little finger -- Harry ignored the thought that Snape wasn't the only one being wrapped around Draco's finger. It was only he who could convince Snape to change their arrangement after over a year of it being in place.
And did it matter to him that Draco was no longer eating in the Great Hall during any of the meals and wasn't even at his own Quidditch practices?
Oh God yes! It mattered a lot and it stung even more to know that he was the reason why Draco wasn't even going out in public anymore although he couldn't understand that. During class, he would sit as far away from Harry as he could, always with someone else so they could never get partnered. He would avoid, evade him, disappear after class before Harry could even approach him with a word. And before class, he would cut it to the very last second before he could actually be pronounced late, leaving no time before class to talk.
Whenever he saw Draco -- the few times he did -- he was never looking his way, always cut off. It was like someone had just sliced through their bond, regardless of how things were between them. To him, it was more like someone had cut off an arm or another vitally important part of him.
They had had a Slytherin-Gryffindor Quidditch game at the end of the week. Normally, he would have looked forward to it. Ever since he and Draco had gotten together, the thrill of competing against each other had taken a new turn. Instead of trying to beat the other and competing they were just playing because they wanted to pit their skills against each other.
This particular match was no different, except this time, Harry was anticipating the game more out of longing for Draco than wanting to play. Then after hoping to get a chance to talk to Draco, he had found out that a replacement was going to play instead of Draco.
That annoyed him.
By the second week, he was visibly depressed. In the first week, people had taken to talking about how Draco was never to be seen or that the times he was he was never with Harry. And they would whisper behind Harry's back how unusual it was that the Boy Who Lived was without the Boy Who Loved Him.
Those same whispers he had once enjoyed he now hated. They were mocking him, taunting him with each and every poorly veiled word. And he couldn't take it anymore.
But it was those same whispers that let him in on some information that, depending on how you looked on it, was comforting or confusing. Draco, who had been a Prefect since his Sixth year, had been the one to change the password. It wasn't too shocking; it actually confirmed all his suspicions that it had been Draco to do it.
The other part of the rumors spreading around was that Draco not only changed the password, but instructed the other Slytherins not to give it out on the penalty of dire consequences. Whatever the dire consequences were, they had the Slytherins tight as a clam and not uttering a word to others. It was just like Draco, Harry hated to admit. Any other time, he would have been understood Draco's need to exhibit some Mafloyness but this time...
This time... This time... This time...
A few times, he had thought about taking time away, thinking things out rationally. But he never did it; he knew he could never separate his personally feelings with this subject. If he could he would have realized that he had options to him that he never utilized. Like his Invisibility Cloak, as Hermione once suggested offhandedly. Her simple suggestion threw Harry into a loop. He should have been able to think of it himself, should have, could have, it didn't matter. Either way, Hermione was the catalyst that made Harry face some hard truths he rather not have.
Harry didn't want to see Draco. But he did. And he didn't. It was all too conflicting, because while he was desperately seeking answers, he was also desperately running from them. What if it was bad? What if Draco didn't want to see him anymore? What then? Could he handle it?
So he lingered, not ready to commit himself to an action the he later would regret. Hopefully the time would help him think.
Still, he had never been separated from Draco for so long. Christmas breaks had been spent together at Hogwarts, both of them taking full advantage of the way they were almost totally left alone and summers were spent away from the Dursleys -- who were more than happy to see him go. It was like Draco had become to him something akin to the very air he breathed, invigorating and life sustaining at the same time and when it was suddenly taken away, he was left without the very thing that had been keeping him alive.
A couple days ago, Hermione and Ron had approached him. It seemed that even his two best friends had noticed his preoccupation.
Gingerly the two of them hovered, neither wanting to make the first overture. If Harry hadn't been thinking about Draco he would have been amused by their hesitance.
"Harry?" Hermione had ventured.
"Hmm..." Harry mumbled, not really paying attention.
Ron overcame his earlier reservations and plopped down next to him. He followed Harry's gaze over to the Slytherin table and exchanged a knowing look with Hermione. "Is he there?"
"Hmm...what?"
"Harry," Hermione sighed. "You can't keep doing this. It's been a week -- just go over to him and talk to him."
Harry snorted. If it were that easy. He gave Hermione a look that said if he could "just go over there and talk to him" he would have done so already. "He's not over there," Harry pointed out.
Hermione gave the Slytherin table a quick once over and sure enough, Harry was right and Draco Malfoy was nowhere to be seen. She frowned. Why would Harry be staring over there if he already knew Draco wasn't there? "Well then go over to their dungeons and talk to him."
"Don't have the password."
This time it was Ron who frowned on the statement. "Hey, don't you share passwords with him...?"
"We did." The absolute misery was clearly evident in his voice.
"So?"
Harry looked at Ron. He appreciated the effort, he really did but he wasn't in the mood for it right now. "Did, Ron. Not anymore." Harry looked away, trying to hide the hurt in his eyes. It had been eight days since he had found out that his boyfriend -- and he didn't even know if he was his boyfriend anymore -- had effectively cut him off from reaching him.
The two of them fell silent, realizing they had said something that was best kept unspoken. "Sorry," Ron mumbled as a belated apology.
Harry shrugged. He had gotten himself under control, masked the hurt away as easily as the masters do. He had been with Draco for two years, half of the time in secret; it was only right that he got some of his attributes. "It's okay," he forgave. "It's just getting to me. I can't talk to him, can't touch him... Those Slytherins--" At that he sent a glare over to that table. "--won't let me near him... I don't know how much more of this I can take," he admitted.
"Want us to talk to him?" Hermione spoke up again. "You might not be able to go near him but maybe we...?"
Shaking his head fervidly, Harry repeatedly told them not to. "You can't," he said with his eyes wide at the prospect of his two friends accosting Draco. He cast a nervous glance at Ron. The two of them had made up, yes, but six years of hate was not something that's easily forgotten. And Hermione...she was always looking out for him.
"Why not?" Ron returned. "We could knock some sense into the git."
"Ron!" Hermione rebuked.
"What?" Ron asked innocently. "He's left Harry here for a week without even telling him why. If that's not a git, I don't know what is."
Harry could tell that Hermione agreed with Ron, even though she struggled not to. But he didn't mind -- he wasn't sure he didn't feel the same way. Every time he did, he was hit with mixed emotions. Hate and anger at the man who made up such a large part of his life. Sorrow because he couldn't be near him and he didn't have any idea why he was behaving the way he was. Shame at himself for becoming so dependent on this one man who with an act like this could turn him into blubbering mess so easily. And lastly, suspension. That was the worst of all. The others he could explain away or forget, this last one was just...nothing. It would be so much easier if Draco just broke up with him, at least then he would know where he stood. Or they could talk and he could chide himself for being such a fool. Then he could be sure of where he stood with him. But this not knowing...this suspension...it was just too much. He was without beginning or end, stuck in the middle almost as if he was falling to his death to find himself frozen in mid-fall. He didn't know how much longer he could take this uncertainty.
"Just don't, okay?" he asked his friends. If the two of them went together to Draco, he couldn't predict the consequences. "I can deal with this myself."
They still looked uncertain. "I can," he said in defense of himself.
Begrudgingly, they acquiesced, and the matter was dropped. It was the last he had heard of it since then.
One more week passed, and he was still no closer than he was in the beginning. The Slytherins as a whole seemed to be working against him, detaining him, keeping him away from the dungeons, away from Draco. Each near miss was like a stab to the heart. If onlys and what ifs filled his mind, driving him insane along with the is hes and the whys.
Harry sighed to himself, listening to the gentle breathing of the boys around him. It wasn't too late -- only midnight or so, but most of them were asleep. As he should be. But since Draco had unexpectedly stood him up, he hadn't been getting much sleep. Especially when he knew he should have been with Draco each time he laid his head down to sleep.
But they weren't the only things keeping him up late at night.
I can't sleep, I just can't breathe
When your shadow is all over me baby
Don't wanna be, a fool in your eyes
'Cause what we had was built on lies
It killed him to think that the last year had meant so much to Harry and so little to Draco for him to forsake it so easily. He couldn't bear it if he found out that everything they had was all lies -- that the passion he felt, the love he had basked in were nothing more than mere feelings that Draco had drawn up and shown him to have gotten him into bed.
Oh god, Harry thought, as the words "Draco" and "bed" were strung together. He tried to shift positions, get himself into a more comfortable feeling. So many nights were spent together and the thing he was missing the most was Draco's heated body, pressed against him, naked skin to naked skin... "Oh," Harry moaned as he remember so many nights were it was just like that and wishing that tonight was one of them. As soon as the moan left his mouth, he clamped his mouth shut. Hesitantly, he rose to a sitting position, glancing around to see if anyone had heard him.
When he didn't see anyone turning his way, he exhaled softly. Safe! he thought relieved.
He fell back down on his bed, taking care not to hit the headboard. He didn't know why he felt so conflicted. Inside, he knew Draco loved him, despite all that he was doing. He knew that each time they came together, it felt like their mind, body and soul were interlocking, becoming one like it had since the first time they came together over two years ago.
And when our love seems to fade away
Listen to me
Hear what I say
It would have been better if they had been dating for a while -- five years maybe, and the passion had slowly started to leave the relationship. Never, Harry thought, shaking his head. Not once since their initial touch two years ago -- even now during this thing when Draco was intentionally avoiding him -- had there been any sign of their love slowing down or the passion being less intense than it had been in the past.
If they had been on rocky grounds or if they had been showing the signs of being too comfortable with the love leaving them, then it would have been much easier to bear. It would just be a premature break up, but they would have been okay with it.
But the problem was that they hadn't been on rocky grounds. Everything had been fine from the moment they had come together. They had had fights, yes, but that came with the territory and their history but never seriously. They had had no warning and that just made it all worse. He had no reasons, no excuse, nothing but Draco's back to comfort him and sometimes there wasn't even that.
And he knew that if he could just talk to him, convince him that everything would be fine. If only Draco would listen to him, hear what he had to say -- their close proximity would be enough to crumble those stupid walls he had erected. He knew his love and he knew that even now that they were separated, the feelings between them still sizzled and burned as loudly and as brightly as if they had never parted.
He could feel the way Draco looked at him at class, even though he had strictly kept his eyes away from looking at him directly. But there were other ways of observing and he had been around Draco long enough to know how he did it. Class with him was always spent staring at him, beckoning him and hoping he would turn his head and he would get a glimpse of those silvery eyes...
He wished he could hate Draco for what he was doing to him, tying him up in knots inside. It was wrong that a single person could reduce him to this. He couldn't think anymore, his thoughts all on a certain blonde Slytherin. He couldn't eat anymore; it all reminded him of how they used to share meals together. Study -- that was out of the question to the chagrin of Hermione. They used to study together...and that usually led to more...strenuous exercise. He couldn't even concentrate in class -- the thought of how they would be together, partnered up and working in tandem or how the other would be waiting for him when he got out of a certain class occupying each and every available space in his mind.
And now he couldn't even sleep because of Draco! So many times in the past had they been together on this bed, every little brush of the comforter and sheets rubbing against his body, making him remember how it had felt to have Draco with him.
It was funny how you missed something until it was too late and then it was taken away from you. Like how Harry used to fall asleep, his head on Draco's chest, his ear turned to the gentle thump, thump, thump of Draco's heart beat, almost as if it was lulling him to sleep.
He missed those thumps...
Mentally, he screamed incoherently. At this rate he was never going to get any sleep! Frustrated, he yanked the sheets off and quickly changed into more appropriate clothing. It was clear he wasn't going to get any sort of sleep, at least not at the moment. Maybe a walk would clear his head of all these reminders of Draco.
If he had thought going out into the halls of Hogwarts late at night was going to get his mind off of Draco, he had thought wrong. How could he think that, remembering the one year of their relationship that had been conducted under the shadows of the night?
It was almost as if every lurking shadow, dim hall or every other object had its own story to tell Harry, reminding him of times spent with Draco. How could he forget the times they sneaked through that hall, avoiding Mrs. Norris? Or the times they hid behind that large curtain? Seeing the curtain again made a grin pop up on his lips. He had very fond memories of that curtain. And the statues -- every one of them, had a story that he and his lover had shared.
It hadn't have struck just how much he missed Draco until now when he was surrounded by reminders. He missed the way the sun would catch on his hair when Draco turned to greet him. He missed that elusive smile that only he was allowed to see. He missed the way they would just hold each other sometimes, when Harry had his arms full of Draco and he felt like he was holding the most important treasure of his life right then and there.
All those moments, such sweet moments, they were all real. He knew that much. If Draco could deny what they have -- he didn't want to say had, it would just be too close to home -- then he knew at least that much. He knew that the feelings between them were real because he had felt it.
But when he was missing Draco the most, sometimes he wouldn't be absolutely sure. How could Draco do something like this if he loved Harry? Sometimes it didn't make sense to him and he wanted to march over to the Slytherin Dungeons, barge inside and drag Draco out for an explanation. He would listen to the bastard before he ripped his head off for taking his heart and trampling all over it.
He always calmed down though, and he was always left the same sort of longing he felt at the moment.
It wasn't a true sadness; rather wanting something you knew was out of your reach, the proverbial cookie jar on the top shelf. And he was lonely, desperate for the sort of companionship and understanding his friends could not provide. Draco always had an annoying way of understanding him, even before they had gotten together.
Somehow, his feet had taken him outside and he saw the places he remembered. It was as if he could see their ghosts -- with the exception of the two subjects being alive rather than dead -- acting as he remembered them doing. That little spot which would always hold a candle in his heart, the patch of grass -- god, how Draco had squirmed trying to manage a decent apology. When he had done, Hermione and Ron had been more shocked by the fact that he was trying to reach out a hand rather than the apology itself. He grinned as he heard past Draco deliver his halting, stumbling speech. That boy probably had never stuttered or stumbled while talking a day in his life, but when it came to a simple apology to his friends...he was like clam. He had tried to pause, but knew he had to start open up again and when he did, he lost his fluidity. But Harry was just proud that Draco could make the overture. Of course, he had to do the same thing to the whole Slytherin House and that had been more than daunting. He didn't know how hard it would be until he had faced with stony faced, impassive Slytherins who were digesting his words on the inside. The way they stood, with their eyes fixed on Harry's, not moving, not reacting -- it was more than a little intimidating. Intimidating enough to make him forget his carefully prepared speech more times than he would like to comment through it all. He had looked to Draco, begging him with his eyes to get him out of it, but then Draco shook his head, reminding him that he had gone through an even more humbling experience talking to Hermione and Ron.
Harry looked up at the stars, his eyes immediately seeking out the constellation of Draco as he often did. Even the sky was littered with memories of Draco.
Briefly he wondered if he would ever escape that silver-eyed Slytherin that had been a part of his life, just for a short time, but had made much more of an impact than people he had known his entire life. At this rate, not likely, Harry told himself, but he was comforted with that answer; he wasn't sure he wanted to.
Soon, he reached the Astronomy Tower. He should have known that if he ever went outside, or even if he was inside, his feet would eventually take him to this place. Over the years of their relationship, they had made this place theirs. Though other lovers and other couples used it, none of them knew how much time Harry and Draco spent there. It was their place.
He climbed those stairs softly and a bit hesitantly. He hadn't have been here since...since Draco decided to leave him hanging with his doubts and insecurities. He of all people should have known, should have known how much this would affect him. He didn't have the guarantees he needed and he had never gotten the promise that they would be together. If Draco left, what did he have to comfort him in times of loss? He didn't even know if Draco really loved him... Draco...
Who was standing right at the edge of the tower, with his head tilted upward, staring at something in the middle of the sky. What, Harry wasn't sure of, but as soon as he recognized Draco's long figure, that great back that he knew was masked by those heavy, thick robes, he felt his breath catch in his throat.
He tried to speak as every emotion, anger, sadness, longing, and most of all love came flooding back to him, drowning him in so many sensations and feelings, but as he watched Draco, with his beautiful blonde hair standing there oblivious of his presence that no words could escape his mouth.
Harry smiled at the way the moon's rays of light were bouncing off Draco's head, making him look like he was bathed in ethereal light. He was enchanting and so beautiful, reminding him of old times spent in this very tower, the light from the moon hitting Draco just right while they were at the act of making love. He could see it in his mind's eye; Draco arching up as one final thrust signaled his completion, hitting the spot that would send Harry coming right after his lover. The way he would tilt his head, baring his neck and he would always cry out. He was a silent lover most of the time, but Harry treasured the moments when Draco would let loose, abandon all his senses.
I don't wanna feel
The way that I do
I just wanna be
Right here with you
I don't wanna see
See us apart
I just wanna say it straight from my heart
I miss you...
He didn't want to think that he was apart from Draco or they had broken up because at this moment, all he just wanted to do was to be there for Draco, and to be with him. If he could just have that much, he would be content.
Because if they were to start talking, and Draco would eventually get to the point that he didn't want to see Harry again, he wasn't sure if he could take a rejection, not from him. None of his other crushes or any of the people he had thought he had loved had the same effect on him that Draco's love had. It was all consuming and he was afraid that if he were without Draco, then where would he be? He had been defined by how much Draco loved for so long -- could he survive being on his own without the only person who meant the world to him?
The answer was always a clear no. He couldn't, not in a million years. He loved Draco and he wasn't about to have his hopes and dreams dashed. Not yet.
And he didn't want to feel the longing that could have been easily satisfied by Draco's touch or the sadness that their separation had caused. He didn't want to feel the anger at Draco's unpredictable behavior, running away from the person who loved him for the past two weeks.
All he wanted was this moment, with his lover. Because the last two weeks were hell on him and he knew that deep in his heart, he had missed Draco something terrible.
But he knew he could stand there forever. Sooner or later he would turn and see Harry, would try to escape and then this small moment that was for Harry's benefit would be ruined. His bubble could be burst so easily.
What would it take, for you to see
To make you understand that I'll always believe
You and I, can make it through
And I still know, I can't get over you
He couldn't allow Draco to elude him as he had the past two weeks -- Harry wasn't going to allow it. Not this time. He would make him see, he would make him understand that they belonged together, they did because they loved each other and that he, Harry, would always believe they belonged to each other. It was what lovers were -- one belonged to the other as the other belonged to him. He would convince Draco that they would make it through, that whatever insecurities Draco had, he had too, but he had faith they could make it through and so should Draco because if they believed hard enough, they could do anything. Draco had his Malfoy determination and the Slytherin cunning, Harry was the Boy Who Lived -- if they wanted to make it through if only by their sheer conviction, he knew they could.
Because otherwise, the possibilities all looked grim. If Draco really decided to break it off -- and he was scared that their love could mean so little to him that he would -- then he wouldn't be able to fight it. All he ever wanted was his love to be happy...even if it wasn't with him. He knew he wouldn't be able to get over Draco and he hoped that Draco wouldn't either. They shouldn't be people to get over. Their love was strong -- he was sure of it.
"So what are you doing here?" Harry's words suddenly found themselves being spoken. He listened to them, wondering how they had gotten out of his mouth.
Draco started at the intrusion, whirling around. His eyes widened as he realized who was standing behind him. "P..Pot...Potter! What are you doing here?"
Harry took in the sight of Draco, committing every part of that body to his memory. Two weeks was too long for him to abstain. He was a bit puzzled with the "deer caught in the headlights" look Draco was sporting. Draco shouldn't be...scared to see Harry.
He took a few steps closer to his lover -- he refused to call him an ex, it wasn't over until it was over -- resisting the urge to just grab him and shake some sense into the other boy. "I asked you first."
Immediately, Draco seemed to tense up. "I don't have to answer any of your questions," he told him coldly.
He fought the urge to scream at that remark. He doesn't have to answer any of his questions? The Hell he doesn't! He forced himself to try and calm down -- never show signs of weakness, wasn't that what Draco always said? Faking nonchalance, he shrugged. "Maybe not, but I think you at least owe me an explanation for the past two weeks, Draco." He was surprised at how even and level that statement came out because he was feeling anything but even and level inside.
"Don't call me that, Potter!" Draco snapped. "And I don't owe you a damn thing!"
He tried to ignore the pang of pain that came from his last name. It had been years since it was said seriously and always in the past, for the benefit of others. To have thought they had fallen so far down was scaring him.
Harry quirked an eyebrow in surprise, trying to forget the earlier hurt. He wasn't going to accomplish anything by dwelling. He tried to convey his thoughts to Draco over his expression, staring at him, waiting for any sort of response. Draco forgot something vital -- Harry knew Draco. Two years was a long time and certainly enough to understand your lover. He would crack, Harry was sure of it.
"I don't!" Draco repeated, almost as if he wasn't sure of it himself. Harry took that as a sign that Draco was weakening. There was a pause and Draco glared at Harry. "Stop it, Potter!"
The second Potter was enough to send him over the edge. He felt something snap inside of him. Finally all the suppressed anger, all the disgust and uncertainty were bubbling over the surface and he was riding the overflow. A snarl curled on the side of his lips as he grabbed the front of Draco's school robes. "Don't say you've got nothing to say to me! You avoid me for two fucking weeks, people are saying we broke up and you don't even come and tell me differently?! If you want to break up with me, then do it!"
As soon as the words were out, he felt better. They needed to be said, and now that he had said them he knew he was correct in that assessment. But now that they were said, he couldn't put the lid back on the pot. He had given Draco an out, he was sure of it and that terrified him. Desperately, he tried to think of a way to recall his words, but his mind was blank.
"I...I...I--" Draco stuttered which was something Harry wasn't used of. Malfoys don't stutter and Draco was no exception -- except for the one time, of course, but that was special circumstances.
Their faces were almost touching, only mere inches away from one another. He stared into those silvery-gray eyes, trying to map them out in his mind. This could be the last time he would ever see them that close again and the thought of that made him want to break down.
"What? You what? Just spit it out, Draco!" Harry was tired of the games. If he wanted to break up, he wanted it out now. But at the same time, he was deathly afraid he was encouraging a pronouncement that he wasn't ready to hear. He wouldn't be able to take it if Draco told him that he wanted to break off their relationship.
It wasn't what he wanted to say -- he had all these practiced speeches, all these reasons he was going to recite, but now that he was here, all of them left him and all he was left with was his anger and his fear. Please Draco, Harry begged in his head. Don't do this.
"I...I...I love you!"
Harry stilled, shocked. He felt his hands fall limply from their hold on Draco and he took a step away to get a better perspective of the situation. "You what?" Harry gasped, needing further confirmation. Inside, he was soaring at the declaration but also he was afraid that he had just misheard and didn't want to get his hopes up.
He looked at Draco who looked as if he was hyperventilating. Finally, he got his wits about him and lifted his head. "I love you," Draco admitted quietly but Harry heard it loud and clear.
Harry grinned, stepping closer once again. He was going to do his hardest to make Draco look even more flushed than he was now, but his methods were of a different way. Before Draco knew what was happening, Harry had his hands on his robe and was pulling him into a fierce kiss.
Eventually they broke apart, and Harry knew he had to have been sporting the silliest smile on his face, but he didn't care. The person he loved most in the world had finally told him the same. Nothing could break his bubble now. "What took you so long?"
Draco looked him wondrously, almost as if he couldn't believe his ears. Then his mouth split into a grin and he spoke reverently, almost as if he couldn't believe himself. "I love you!"
Harry grinned, thinking he would never tire of hearing those three words.
His love repeated himself, but before he could respond himself, Draco had drawn them both into another kiss. But Harry didn't mind. He had everything he ever wanted in his arms right now and he was happy.
Two hours later, or thereabouts, Harry snuggled closer to the sleeping Draco. They were still at the tower, lying on top of their robes with a warm afghan covering them. It was one of the many times they had stowed away at the tower, for nights like this where they were less than prepared.
It was nice to have him back, that was for sure as Harry brushed Draco's ear, the other boy leaning into the kiss instinctively. They hadn't have come that explosively in... months, he thought. It was probably the prolonged absence, but... Wow, Harry marveled. If he wasn't totally adverse to the idea of leaving Draco's side ever again now that he knew how it felt like, he would consider the idea about leaving each other for bits of time so that every time they came back to each other they could have a night like this.
Harry sighed. And what a night. But the important thing was that he had Draco back, everything else would just have to take precedence behind that. He moved closer, tailing his way down to Draco's hairless, white chest with careful and precise butterfly kisses. He settled down on the muscled chest and sighed contently. Under his ear was the comforting, thump, thump, thump he had missed so much from their weeks apart.
With the sound of Draco's heartbeat ringing in his ears and his arms holding his love, warmth against warmth, naked skin to naked skin, Harry knew that this night, he would have no trouble sleeping.
Miss You
Westlife
I can't sleep, I just can't breathe
When your shadow is all over me baby
Don't wanna be, a fool in your eyes
'Cause what we had was built on lies
And when our love seems to fade away
Listen to me
Hear what I say
I don't wanna feel
The way that I do
I just wanna be
Right here with you
I don't wanna see
See us apart
I just wanna say it straight from my heart
I miss you...
What would it take, for you to see
To make you understand that I'll always believe
You and I, can make it through
And I still know, I can't get over you
And when our love seems to fade away
Listen to me
Hear what I say
I don't wanna feel
The way that I do
I just wanna be
Right here with you
I don't wanna see
See us apart
I just wanna say it straight from my heart
I miss you...
And when our love seems to fade away
Listen to me
Hear what I say
I don't wanna feel
The way that I do
I just wanna be
Right here with you
I don't wanna see
See us apart
I just wanna say it straight from my heart
Oh baby I miss you I do
A/N: These will be my last notes. This wasn't as good as I had wanted it to be, but it was okay. The song was also not what I had wanted but it worked okay.
To my Gregon readers: I have read your reviews and I know you all want more. Be assured that while I hate what fanfiction.net has done, I'm not leaving...yet. I will finish my stories and continue writing, but I am still hoping they will reverse their decision, though I'm pretty sure they won't. But if I don't post here, I will continue to post on my lists and on my own site.
The last month or so, I have been working on a variety of different projects, a new HP H/D fanfic as well some other stories in this little songfic series...Yes, it's become a series, hasn't it? Anyway, that new HP fic won't be out for a while and after this, I will be devoting my time to Gregon almost full time.
But there will be another short (very short) little story, more like a tiny snippet really coming soon. It's more on Harry and Draco, a few years from this point.
There might be another story taking place directly after this one, where Draco's actions come back and bite him. It'll rock the boat a bit. But until I find something inspiration or a good song, I won't be able to write it. I do however have the song for another story, way back when Harry and Draco first got together. That will be written when I have time in between my new HP fic (which will be very long I think) and Gregon.
And lastly a few explainations. This story is rated NC-15 but is rated R on ff.net because as you know, NC-15 doesn't exist and I can't exactly use NC-17. But the implications of sex is minimal and I didn't think it was that much of a big deal. But my beta warned me so it's a cautious R.
Thanks to my beta, Moonchild.
As always, feedback is much apprieciated but not required. :)