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(It's a secret, he whispers)
It's one of his secrets.
One that he knows he will never share.
(It's a secret that would kill you)
He's got a lot of secrets, too many.
Some are rather trivial, like how he finds Kanda's presence to be somewhat reassuring, despite the annoyance. Some he will not reveal out of habit, like his methods for cheating when playing cards. Some are dangerous, like how to read that music score.
But most are just too personal. Like the fact that Mana wasn't his real father. (Cross knows, but he never asks questions and Allen is grateful). Like how before Mana, he'd been a street rat and a thief, fighting tooth and nail for food and water, deft fingers pulling, wrenching, carving survival out of garbage.
(But it's a secret you'll never know)
And so, he doesn't tell of how he'd been called a monster and a demon-child, how he'd been chased out of towns, how he had hid his arm under tattered bandages and fraying coat sleeves.
He doesn't tell of how people tried to kill him because of his freak-show arm.
He doesn't tell of the fear. Or the loneliness.
(Because it's a secret I'll never tell)
And because people don't know the secrets of his past, they never truly understand. They don't know that he eats massive quantities of food because he remembers starving, his stomach eating itself inside out, and the sheer hunger. They don't know that he is polite because he remembers the rough, tough rudeness he had needed to survive on the streets.
He needs to remind himself that he's not there anymore, so he eats, eats, eats, and acts like a perfect gentleman.
(It's a secret I will keep so that you will be safe, because if you knew, you would be hurt)
There is only one person on earth that knows everything about him.
Neah.
Allen never told the Noah anything, but Neah's been in Allen's mind. He's seen Allen's memories, watched his dreams. He knows Allen's past, and thus, knows Allen far better than any other.
Allen knows Neah knows, and he trusts Neah to keep his secrets.
(and that is a secret, that is the secret, that is their secret)
It's a secret because Neah's a Noah- he's the enemy, and a very dangerous one at that. He's the bad guy, the opponent; he's the Exorcists' antithesis. Allen shouldn't trust him at all.
And he doesn't, not really. He doesn't trust Neah to watch his back or protect him or keep promises. He knows that the moment he lets his guard down, the Noah will take over.
Still, Neah won't tell, Allen knows. It's an unspoken agreement between the two of them, a fragile, delicate bond of understanding (I know you) and respect (You survived, you are strong).
Allen trusts Neah to keep his secrets.
(and that is just one secret of the million Neah keeps)
AN: This came up when I was reading fics about Allen's past/Allen-gets-de-aged-by-Komui's-potion. And his younger self tended to be very different from the older Allen, and everyone was surprised because he never told anyone. So I started thinking, wouldn't Nea know? He's kind of inside Allen's head, after all. So that's how this got inspired.
Now I've got to go finish obsessively editing my other piece. Which I will post soon, promise.