A/N: So, this has been in my brain for a while.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Whiz Khalifa, pimps, the P.I.M.P. Commandments, or the song "Black and Yellow".

…

"Barmy, that one is," muttered Hermione Granger to the Weasley twins as she walked into the Great Hall. She had just been looking at one of the Hufflepuff girls, Hannah Abbot, when the girl had flipped a shit.

EPIC DRAMATIC FLASHBACK:

She'd stomped over to Hermione and had asked, "Why you lookin' at me, biatch?"

"Um, I believe it is 'why are you looking at me, bitch?'" Hermione had corrected, being the obnoxious and annoying know-it-all she was.

"Whateva. Don't matter. So why you lookin' at me, huh?" asked Hannah.

"Well, you're out of uniform."

Indeed she was. Instead of wearing the standard issue uniform that seemed to change every movie, Hannah was wearing Dc sneakers, a pair of denim short shorts, a yellow tank top that read 'Bugger Off' and black leather jacket over the entire outfit. "Yeah? I look sexy. You, on the other hand, look like a sexually deprived librarian."

Madame Pince just happened to be walking by, and glared at Hannah. Hannah flipped off the teacher, and turned back to everyone's favorite beaver… night troll… Um, I mean bookworm! Everyone's favorite bookworm.

Another Hufflepuff girl came over, and called after the librarian, "Yo bitch, I best not catch you looking at my girl or I'ma teach you what it means to be from the bad side of London, ya hear me? Hold my earrings, I'ma go after that slut and teach her what it means to look at mah gal."

"Chill, Shaneequa."

"Well, Hannah, I'm afraid I have to take points off," said Hermione. "Now, I guess five will do. Well, you look inappropriate so maybe 10. But then again, you insulted me. And you flipped off our librarian. And your friend threatened her. And you massacred the English language, so I guess I'll just take off 102,475,822,583,024,476,191,984,289.372635958262799736283 points."

"Kay, that's it. First off, my name is Treyvonetta. Next off, I know you didn't just disrespect the Black and Yellow. Shaneequa, hold my earrings." Hannah… um… Treyvonetta then took off her earrings and handed them to her friend, and started to tie off her hair when the Weasley twins had rushed over.

"Hey, hey, no need to start a catfight. She don't know the deal. Kinda stupid, this one is," said George as he gestured to Hermione.

She was about to protest indignantly when Fred said, "Shut up." Hermione closed her mouth. "So, we straight?" asked Fred.

But catch your friend up on the deal, otherwise she gonna get beat," said Hannah as she stormed off.

"Hermione, what in Merlin's name were you thinking? You can't just look at people!" exclaimed George. "Gods, you are so lucky you have us."

"Well, i was just... Wait, what are you guys even doing here? This is my sixth year, shouldn't you guys be, um, not here?" asked Hermione as she stopped walking. She faced the twins, eyebrows raised so much that they disappeared into her bushy hair.

"Crap, Forge, she's onto us."

"She probably is, Gred. We should probably go be awesome somewhere else, then. But wait, why didn't Harry come to her rescue? Doesn't he have that 'OMG-SOMEONE-IS-IN-DANGER!-I-MUST-SAVE-THEM!' sense?"

…

Harry, meanwhile, was having his own problems. He was trying to work with Ernie on their Potions project, but Ernie was currently nowhere to be found. Harry went to ask the Fat Friar where the Hufflepuff common room was, but he didn't know where the Friar was. "If only someone could invent a map that showed where everyone was and what they were doing every minute of every day…" sighed Harry. Then a VERY OBVIOUS realization dawned on him. "Oh, right. The Marauder's Map. Accio map!" The map zoomed into Harry's hand. "I solemnly swear I am up to no good. Oh, The Fat Friar is right… there. In front of me." Harry looked up, at a ghost that now had grillz, bling, and a doo-rag. "Hey, Fat Friar."

"Yo, whaddup? Whatchu want?"

"Could you tell me where the Hufflepuff common room is?"

The Friar laughed. "If you wanna get in there, you gotta be gangsta. It's part of the rules that the new Head of Hufflepuff House came up with."

"New head of house?"

"Yeah. He's tight. Name's Whiz Khalifa. He even came up with a new fight song for us. Ever heard it? It's called 'Black and Yellow'. It's so awesome, we started kicking major ass. Plus, we's rolling in the paper, know what I'm saying?"

"Uh, yes?"

"Damn straight."

"So where's the common room?"

"Can't tell you. Yah gots to be a badger. Now GTFO." With that, he slapped a now very confused Harry, and walked off, oozing major swag.

"How the hell?" asked Harry as he rubbed his stinging cheek, trailing off at the end. He decided to drop the topic and search for the Hufflepuff common room by himself, and for Ron.

…

Ron Weasley was currently in the Hufflepuff common room, sitting on a chair and talking to Justin Finch-Fletchley, who snapped his fingers. Two girls in bikinis with giant palm leaves walked over to him, and stood by his sides, fanning him.

"See, Weasley? Life is better when you're a pimp. You get more money, more fame, more drugs, more girls, and well, more of everything."

Ron drooled at the sight of the two girls. "So, what do I do to become a pimp?"

"Well, first, you gotta kick it up a notch. Next, you gotta dress like a pimp."

"So you're saying I need to get a perm, some badass suits, a cape, a cane, and a hat like yours?"

"You also need a badass pimp name. Mine's Daynjah."

"Danger?"

"No, Ron. Daynjah."

Ron grinned. "Badass. So, what's mine?"

Justin tapped his chin with his finger. "Hmmm… How about Gingerronnie?"

Ron turned purple. "No."

"Mr. Ging?"

"How about Docta Ging?" suggested Cedric.

"Yeah!" cheered Ron. Oh, um… Docta Ging.

"Now, let's give this mo'fo his pimptastic makeover," suggested Cedric.

"Get at it, girls," said Justin/Daynjah. The two girls who Ron was staring unabashedly at walked over to him, and stripped him in five seconds. They then dressed him in a white suit, sunglasses, and gave him a perm, dyed his hair even redder, placed a large white hat with an eagle feather on his head, and a put purple cape with white fur trim on him. They took off his shoes, and put purple boots on his feet. They gave him grillz to wear as well.

"Lookin' sharp, Docta Ging. You just need a CANE."

"A cane?"

"No, a CANE. We have a wonderful selection. Ollivander, get in here and show our new pimp your selection!" commanded Justin/Daynjah.

Ollivander limped in, and struck a ghetto pose. "Yo, I got a bunch of pimptastic canes. And like I always say, the CANE chooses the pimp. Whatchu want? See this one? Gold, with a naked woman on the handle. Try it."

Ron/ Docta Ging took the cane, and gave it a twirl. Suddenly, Ernie was standing in his nerdy Hufflepuff uniform.

"AAAH! SO. NOT. GANGSTA! MUST… CHANGE… BACK!" shrieked the boy before he ran out.

"Kay, so that's defs not it. What about this one? Solid platinum, diamond encrusted, crystal skull at the top."

Ron tapped it, and the music box playing 'Black and Yellow' shut off. (Even though it wasn't supposed to even work at Hogwarts.)

"No, no, that won't do. How about this one? It's made of marble, with barbed wire at the top."

Ron took it, and tapped it on the floor. An alligator appeared and ate Cedric. Ron just stared at the spot where Cedric was. "How the bloody hell did that even happen?" he asked after a while.

"YER A PIMP, RONNIE!" screamed Hagrid, popping out of nowhere.

"Hagrid, GTFO. You're not a pimp," commanded Ron.

Hagrid burst into tears and disappeared.

"He was right, though," said Justin/Daynjah. "Pimps have special powers. But, that was a major improvement. He was so bloody annoying. I don't even know how he's still alive. I thought Voldemort killed him. But, WHATEVS! Now find a CANE."

"I wonder…" stated Ollivander, looking dramatically into the distance. "Here, try this one. Solid gold, with a disco ball at the top."

Ron took it, and tapped it on the floor. Twenty girls appeared, barely clothed. Ron started drooling so much, the Hufflepuffs had to build a dam.

"Well, that settles it. You're now officially a pimp. However, it is curious… That, well, you should be destined for this cane when its twin… why, it belongs to the ultimate pimp," said Ollivander ominously.

"Snoop Doggy Dogg?" asked Ernie, reappearing dressed even more gangsta than before.

"No."

"50 Cent?" guessed one of the girls.

"No."

"Satan's Asscrack?" asked Hannah Abbot.

"No."

"Daynjah?" asked Ron.

"NO!"

"Dumbledore?" wondered Justin/Daynjah.

"Nah, brah," said a voice.

"Professor Khalifa!" exclaimed all the Hufflepuffs as they bowed down to gangsta royalty.

"That's right, I am Professor Khalifa. But, silly children, the ultimate pimp is… Lucius Malfoy!"

"Of course! How could I not see it? The cane, the badass hair, it all fits!" cried Ron.

"Yes… Crazy Eyes Lucius Flash is indeed the Ultimate Pimp. But, if you pimp-train, you may be able to defeat him."

"What should I do, Professor Khalifa?"

"Learn the P.I.M.P Commandments. They are as follows:
1. Thou shalt not snitch.
2. Thou shalt not infiltrate.
3. Thou shalt not perpetrate.
4. Thou shall not playa hate.
5. Thou shall not hoe trust.
6. Thou shall not hoe say.
7. Thou shall not pay a trick.
8. Thou shall not disrespect the game.
9. Thou shall not be broke.
10. Thou shall not be without their necessities (i.e. a CANE, a cape, a hat, etc.) Do you understand, Docta Ging?"

"I do," Ron tapped his pimp cane on the ground. Then, Hogwarts blew up.

"Maybe you aren't cut out for this pimp cane," remarked Ollivander.

"Maybe you're not cut out to be a pimp. In fact, who ever heard of a ginger pimp? Docta Ging, we hereby strip you of you pimp status!" said Professor Khalifa.

Ron burst into tears and disappeared.

"Now, who wants to have a partay?" asked Professor Khalifa as he took a stage that materialized out of nowhere. The 'Puffs began to cheer as he rapped, "Yeah, uh huh, you know what it is."

…Yeah, just your typical day at Hogwarts.

…

A/N: Okay, so I know this was weird. But hey, it's a crack!fic. the inspiration for this came from the song "Black and Yellow," if you couldn't already tell. So anyways, this is dedicated to my friend, Padfoot's Blondie.

Anyways, tell me what you thought! Review? I need to know if this is actually as funny as I think it is, because usually I'm not funny. Like, at all.

So, how was it? Good? Bad? Funny? Horrible?

Review!