The Burdens We Carry

by alecsangel

Summary: At the end of Hello/Goodbye, Max tells Alec about Ben.

Disclaimer: Of course, I own nothing. As if a lowly, poor college student would own something like that. *sighs* Also, some of the dialogue belongs to the DA writers.

Author's Note: This was inspired by Scarlet and her awesome standalone, Debt, (if you haven't read it, you're missing out HUGELY) and Infie, who always inspires me to write because she's always writing :). Thanks to all the nuns who encourage me to write.

Author's Note 2: I wrote this basically because I hated Max's explanation about Ben. So, I took matters into my own hands and this is what I came up with.

If you wish to see the banner that I made for this story (as it is apparently becoming just as important to me as writing the story itself), you can find it at http://www.boomspeed.com/alecsangel/burdens.JPG

Now, on with the story...

Part 1 - The Loss of a Brother

~~! Max's Apartment !~~

Alec looked down at his hands, unsure of how to broach the topic on his mind. He had always been curious about X5-493, but he'd never had anyone to ask the questions that often filled his head. He knew that his request would hurt her because her unit had been much closer than his. Ben was like a brother to her. Deciding that it was now or never, he spoke.



"Listen, since we're already knee-deep in painful subjects. Tell me about him. About Ben." He looked up to see shock and anguish pass over her face. She didn't nod or do anything to acknowledge that he had spoken; she just started to speak.



"When we were kids back at Manticore, he always wanted answers for everything. You know? Why we were there, what was outside. So he would make up these fantastic stories to explain things. Somehow it made us feel...loved. Like we weren't all alone. One of our brothers, Jack, had a seizure one night and the janitor gave him a picture of the Virgin Mary, dressed in blue. We didn't know who or what she was, but Ben took the picture and made up a story about her, about the Blue Lady. We couldn't speak of her or anything around the guards or the instructors so we found a way to get onto the roof. We called it the High Place. That's where we praised her, more for Ben's sake than anything else. He said that we had to make her strong so that she could protect us, so we used to take our teeth and place them at the shrine that we had made for her. Ben said that they would make her strong and none of us, not even Zack, questioned him."



She took a deep breath before continuing. "Then, one night, I had a seizure and, to protect me, we ran and escaped. We all thrown into a world that we didn't understand. Some of us found people to take us in and some of us had to fend for ourselves. Eventually, Ben snapped. I guess there were too many things in this world he didn't have answers for. Too many things that he couldn't just explain away in his mind. He felt like the Blue Lady was losing faith in him and he thought that he knew how to make her love him again. He started killing people and pulling out their teeth to take to the Lady.



"Finally, he showed up here in Seattle and I knew that I had to stop him. I tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't listen. He had kidnaped a priest and was going to kill him like he had killed the others. He tattooed his bar code on the back of their necks and gave them a weapon and let them loose in the woods. When we were kids, Manticore had given us the task of hunting down a man, a criminal, in the woods. We killed him because he had a tattoo that went against Ben's stories of the Lady. Ben was recreating that exercise every time he killed someone. He loved the thrill of the chase because that's why we were made. To be hunters, killers. That's what he told me. He was doing what we were made to do."



She was openly sobbing now and Alec had rounded to counter and taken her in his arms. He held her tightly and was about to tell her that she could stop, when she started to speak once more.



"I caught up with him before he could kill the priest. We fought and I hurt him. I broke his leg. Manticore was closing in on us and I couldn't carry him out fast enough. He asked me to kill him. He didn't want to go back to Manticore. I asked him to tell me about the Good Place from his stories and while he was laying in my arms, I broke his neck. Then I just left his body there for them to take away and I ran. I saved myself."



"Max, I'm sorry." Alec didn't know what to say. He hadn't expected that Max had killed Ben. He didn't know what he had expected but it hadn't been this. He continued to hold her in his arms as she continued to sob.



Several minutes later, she pulled away and wiped the tears away from her face. She gave a half-hearted laugh and turned to the stove to check on their coffee. "I think it's done," she said, holding up the pot to show him that the liquid inside had almost completely evaporated.



"We didn't need the caffeine anyway." He said softly. "We need some sleep. I'll crash on the sofa."



"Alec," she said as he was walking toward her couch. "Thanks for being here. It helped."



"No, thank you for saving my butt, again." He paused, but decided that he needed to say this now. It was something else that he wondered about and it was important to him to know the answer. "Must be hard, huh? Having me around? Some guy with Ben's face, making you think about things you'd rather forget?"



"Sometimes." She replied honestly. "It's probably why I'm such a bitch to you so much."



"Could be. Or it could be that I'm such a pain in the ass sometimes." He smiled at her and she couldn't help but smile back at him.



"You know, there are so many differences between you and Ben. Everyday I find another one and everyday the fact that you're twins gets further from my mind."



"That's good to hear." Alec said, truthfully. "We all have things we'd rather forget, Max. Burdens that we carry with us and that are always in the back of our minds. Don't forget that."



She nodded at him as he lay down on the couch and closed his eyes. His statement made her wonder what kind of burdens Alec carried. She knew that he had been in love and it had ended in tragedy, but how many other things did Alec keep inside himself. She'd have to ask him one day, when the time was right. But now, it was time for sleep. Alec's deep, even breathing told her that he'd already drifted off and she quietly covered him with a blanket.