:: At The End Of It All ::
K.L.
They say when you die, your whole life flashes before you. You see the good. You see the bad. The highlights and the pitfalls. And then it's white – a vast eternal wall of nothingness.
Life amounts to nothingness.
We live only to die:
A whole lot of cheerful good that is.
Sometimes, I wonder why – why be born if all we're meant for is death?
People say it's to make a difference. Whole lot of difference you've made when we're all walking expiration dates. What good do differences make when the last soul expires? Who's keeping track of the differences then?
God?
Who are we kidding? The prospect of religion is a means to justify an end. A way to bring light to the darkness. People can't handle the doom and ultimate gloom that is life. We can't bear to think that we were only made to die – that we serve no greater purpose in the system's design.
Too ego-centric.
…
And yet here I am, confronted with the memories of the past and a blinding, pain inducing, wall of nothingness, and I'm praying.
I'm pleading; pleading with a God that no longer holds a place in my heart. Through the mind numbing pain, I'm praying, just once that God could be real. That God could save me. Because I'm too terrified to die.
The bar of steel that's perforated my lung, allowing a mixture of blood and dread to seep up my throat that will not release, is a constant reminder that I've hit my expiration.
Only a little more.
A few more dying breathes.
And then it's gone, and all I'm left with is a shining star in a world of darkness. A warm smile. Soft skin. And laughter to cure the masses. It's a warm feeling – a feeling of fulfillment; as though life truly had its purpose.
But I've missed it. And the star begins to fade. And I know I've failed. God's failed. I won't have that chance to undo the mistakes of my past; I won't be able to fade into white with that feeling of peace. It's a love never had – a life never lived.
It's cold.
And the star is no more. Just darkness. Eternally numbing darkness.
I feel like I'm forgetting…
There was something I was meant to do…
Something I was meant to have…
But what…
…my shining star.