Some things are better left unsaid
Chapter I – The Fight Date: Monday, February 28 ff, 1872
"Ma?" Katie asked for the third time now. Sully was asking himself where she was.
"She'll be here in no time, sweetheart, don't worry!" But he worried.
"Why don't we get you upstairs and ready for bed? Ma'll surely be here by the time you are ready."
Katie watched him with her big eyes and smiled, by the time Sully returned to the kitchen, Michaela came running in through the front door.
"I'm sorry, Sully, I simply forgot the time. I was so occupied I didn't even noticed it had gotten dark."
She really seemed sorry, so Sully decided not to blame her further, but to greet her with a kiss. When he reached out to her she turned around to the kitchen.
"Is there any supper left for me? I'm starving." Sully tried not to show his disappointment, there would be time later at night, when he would have her full attention.
"Yeah, I saved it from the children. I'll reheat it for you."
"Thank you. I'll go upstairs and wash myself."
"That was delicious, how do I deserve you?"
"You don't. I deserve you." Sully cleaned the kitchen while Michaela tidied up her medical supplies.
"Ready to go upstairs?" Sully hold out his hand to his wife, hoping she wouldn't be too tired for some holding.
"Yes, it's rather late." Michaela yawned as she took her husband's hand and followed him upstairs. Arriving in the master bedroom she sat down on the bed and watched Sully undress. At first he thought she would like him to help her undress, but when he was ready and turned around to her she was already sound asleep. He sighed, his hope for some loving this night gone. He kneeled down in front of her and started to unbutton her blouse, all the time she did not stir. When he reached her camisole and took it off her he could not resist letting his hand linger on her breasts. He caressed them and kissed Michaela softly on her lips. She stirred somewhat and lay her hand on his on her chest and murmured low. "Love you..." and then went back to sleep. Sully sighed anew and finished his task, then laid down beside her and took her in his arms holding her tight all the night.
"Hey Brian, where's your Ma?" Sully came down the stairs as he saw Brian sitting in the kitchen all on his own.
"She's already off in town. Seemed kinda in a hurry."
"Yeah, I see." Sully was disappointed having hoped to catch her before she went to town.
She almost seemed to flee from him. Just then he made the decision to visit her today at the clinic.
When Sully rounded the corner of the clinic, he saw Michaela come out the new doc following close behind. They seemed rather happy and laughed all the way to Grace's café. Sully stood there debating with himself whether to interrupt them or not. Then he turned around and left. But as he did so he bumped right into Dorothy. "Hey, slow down. What's the hurry?" "Oh…uh…I just…uhm…" Dorothy looked over his shoulder in the direction from where he came, there she saw Michaela sitting with that new doc. "Yeah, I see…What's going on between you two, huh?" "I don't know for myself. She seems to run from me, she always comes home lately and even then she is too tired to notice that we're all missing her. I don't know why she does that. I thought things have settled down some at the clinic. Even Kathy has noticed that her mom isn't around that much lately. I dunno what to do, every time I try to talk to her, she's either not in the right mood or not at home." Dorothy saw him directly into his eyes, noticing the hurt there. "Oh, Sully, she was never one knowing really what she's doing with her behaviour. Hold on, it will get better, try to talk to her, maybe woo her again a little bit, just like you did after Katie was born. It helped back then, didn't it?" "Yeah, sure, but I don't know if it'll help this time. Actually, she even forgot our lunch today." Again Dorothy watched the two at the café, sensing that there was more to Sully's words then he let on. She smiled at him knowingly, "You're jealous, aren't you?" He too gazed into the direction of the café now, muttering under his breath, "How couldn't I, she's actually spending more time with them new doc, than with her family."
Dorothy slapped him on his shoulder, "Knowing you two, I'd bet you'll work things out, no worry." Then turned around and went back to the gazette. "Yeah, I think I should do that." He murmured to himself while heading to the clinic and sitting down on the bench there.
"Yeah I bet you'll do that…"
Michaela stopped dead in her tracks as she rounded the corner and saw Sully sitting there on the bench. She smiled at him, but when she saw his expression the smile abruptly disappeared. She had been laughing and enjoying the day and the warm weather but at Sully's face she assumed that something must have happened to Katie or one of the other children. She turned around to the doc.
"Hey Sam, could you wait inside. I'll be there in one minute."
"Sure, Michaela."
"Thanks." She nodded smiling then turned her attention to Sully ones more.
"Sully, what is it?"
Sully had been staring to the ground, but now he glared at her. He didn't say a single word, just glared at her.
"Sully?"
"Did you enjoy your lunch, Michaela?"
She refused to answer his question, sensing that there was more behind it than he showed.
"Sully? What's going on here?"
"Couldn't I ask the same question?"
He really seemed angry and Michaela was not willing to talk to him in that mood, especially not in public.
"Could we please go inside and talk?"
"There's not much to talk about now. Will you make it home for supper tonight?"
She did not understand his behaviour; she didn't remember having done something wrong.
"Yeah, I guess."
With that Sully left, without a kiss or a goodbye. Shaking her head she entered the clinic. Just as she was entering the clinic Sully turned around and saw that doc, Sam, saying something to her, making her laugh, and closing the door behind her. He felt a wave of anger and rushed past everyone in his way, just wishing to get home.
"And, may I ask, since when he is calling you "Michaela"?" Sully's anger was rising by the second, but he wasn't going to leave until she explained herself to him. This was his family and he wouldn't let anything, and most of all not that doc, destroy it. Michaela, on the other hand, was confused. Sully'd never been one to mistrust her.
"I do not owe you any explanation for why he's calling me "Michaela", since you may remember that IS my name, Byron Sully!" she too was angry, but for her the reason was not clear. Why was he making a scene of something so unimportant? Even Preston did call her by her first name. Surely, Sully didn't like it, but neither said anything about it.
"And why, the hell, is everybody else calling you just "Dr. Mike"?
"Not everybody…"
"We are married, Michaela."
That's it, she thought. He was jealous. But why?
"What's the matter, Sully? Why are we really arguing now?" she asked, almost pleaded.
He took a deep breath, willing to calm his racing heart and temper before answering, but when he looked into her eyes he just couldn't say the words, his lips just wouldn't form them. So he just turned around and said, "I think you better go to bed now…" he did not dare to face her, as he felt his soul falling to pieces, right there, in front of the woman he love more than life itself, the woman, he thought, who didn't even knew, how much he loved her and how much he hurt.
"But aren't you…?"
"I think we better do not share a bed tonight." He interrupted her, knowing that if she asked him to join her he wouldn't be able to refuse.
"Why?" she simply asked.
"Why? How can you ask me that Michaela?"
She watched him for some time until she noticed that she was shaking. She looked down at her hands and saw them trembling, knowing that it wasn't the cold that caused her to shiver but the rising fear. She suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to apologize but she didn't know what for. She wanted to reach out to him and had already lifted her hand to do so when she pondered it again. She didn't remember having done something wrong and as long as he didn't explain why he was so angry at her she wouldn't give in and apologize for something she hadn't done. So she just turned around and started to climb the steps. Reaching the door to their bedroom she felt the tears coming so she hurried knowing she wouldn't be able to hold them back. Once being inside she let them fall onto her pale cheeks without wiping them off. When she changed into her nightgown and slid under the cold, lonely sheets she shook violently with fear and pain until she had cried herself to sleep.
Sully sat long in the dark of the living room after the fire had died down. He did not feel up to stroke it again so he just watched it dying noticing how the upcoming chill in the house matched the cold inside his own body. He was deadly tired and knew he should catch up on some sleep before he had to get up again but he was afraid to close his eyes frightened to have to endure the terrible pain and hurt again and again…
He didn't hear his wives crying nor felt his own tears falling down.
"Mama"
Slowly, the soft voice started to penetrate her mind pulling at it drawing it into consciousness. She hovered in the state between sleep and consciousness and enjoyed it. She did not want to wake up but knew that she should and tend to her daughter.
"MAMA"
There it was again this time more demanding not letting her decide whether to get up or not. So she sat up put on her slippers and made her way over to the crib. Not much longer, she thought, and they would have to move the little girl into her own room. The small room for "whoever comes along". She smiled at the memory. How fast time went by…
She looked down at her daughter wailing her arms, smiling when she saw her mother's face appear in her view. She took the girl into her arms and carried her down into the kitchen to prepare breakfast. Reaching the bottom of the steps she was distracted by something in the living room. There was her husband sitting hunched in one of the chairs in front of the fire place. Michaela placed the little girl in her high chair and silently walked over to her husband. She took a blanket and started to drape it over him when she noticed his tear strained cheeks. She reached out and stroked softly his face. He seemed so peaceful when sleeping. She hoped he had got enough sleep but the still wet traces on his cheeks told her otherwise. She sighed and returned to the girl waiting for her to be fed. Michaela watched Sully from the corner of her eyes while feeding Katie waiting for any sign that he's waking up. By the time Katie and she were ready to go into town, she was deeply disappointed, that he hadn't woken up, but she had no choice but to leave. One last time glancing back at him she opened the door and stepped out.
Sully felt the blanket being draped over him and the gently movement of his wife's fingers on his face. But he did not dare to open his eyes, fearing they might start another argument. He wasn't willing to start the day that way. So just lay still and pretended to be asleep until his wife and daughter had left the house for work. Then he got up and prepared himself for the day, which he knew would be a long and exhausting one.
"Brian"
"Yeah Pa?"
"If your ma's asking, I'm checking my traps, okay?"
"Okay Pa, see ya…"
"Bye"
Sully had made up his mind by the time he was ready to go into town. He couldn't explain why they couldn't speak openly about what was bothering the two of them, especially him. Truth to be known, he really was in a good mood and didn't even want to think that his plan might not work. It just had to. God, they were married, there had to be a way to solve their problems without arguing! Before he even noticed he was in town and stopped in front of the clinic. But he turned his back to the door refusing to knock just in time to see the old Mrs Callahan observing him carefully. Everyone in and outside of town knew that she knew everything that was going on and didn't bother to keep it a secret.
"The two doctors weren't in today, no need to guess why…" Sully just glared at her but spun around and took off on his horse as fast as he could.
"Where have you been today?" Sully demanded as soon as Michaela walked through the front door that late afternoon. She looked at him and noticed how he glared at her. His look was even more angrier than the evening before.
"I had work to do, and that's no way you are talking to me, Sully. I'm your wife, not your servant or what else you think right now I am."
"I'm talking to you the way I want. Where have you been? Were you with that new doc?"
She wasn't angry now, she was furious. There was no way, she would let him talk to her in that manner without consequences.
"If you must know, yes, I was with Dr. Lloyd. He's my colleague, if you remember."
"I thought you were calling him Sam." Sully yelled
"Yeah, I am." She replied.
"You're very smitten with him, don't you. And you spend more time with him than you do actually with me."
She started to feel guilty. He was right, she was neglecting him, but that didn't give him the right to boss her around.
"I like him. And yes, I spend time with him, one the one hand, 'cause he's my colleague and on the other hand it's easier to spend time with him than with you. The only thing you do is yelling at me and bossing me around. What do you expect me to do?" she wanted to know from him, silently hoping that he would come to his senses at last. But what she had to hear made her gasp.
"Did you sleep with him?" Sully asked into the silence, his voice not louder than a mere whisper.
Michaela was shocked. She couldn't believe her ears. Did he really ask that question.
"How dare you…" she said storming out into the barn.
Sully only watched her getting on her horse and riding fast toward town, before he realized what he just said. He didn't want to say that, but all the chattering in town had made him wondering what there really was between the two of them. He didn't think she had slept with him, he knew she didn't. But he couldn't help himself from asking when his fear of losing her and is anger for neglecting her family got to the surface.
Matthew came storming in waking Brian with the crash of the door and his yells.
"Dr. Mike!"
Brian ran downstairs when he heard his elder brother.
"Matthew, what's up? Ma's not at home, she's still at the clinic."
"No she isn't, there was an accident in town. Where's Sully, we need some help and maybe he can explain where Dr. Mike is?"
"Dunno. He said I should tell Ma he wouldn't make it back home tonight, but Ma never came home."
"Okay don't worry little brother. I'll go searching for Sully and you stay calm here and care for Katie!"
Brian just nodded worried for his mother.
"Sully, what are you doing here?"
Matthew neared Sully fast on his horse. He wondered what he did in one of his old lean-toes.
"Hey Matthew, what's up?"
Sully didn't want to tell his eldest son of the problems in his marriage.
"There's an accident and we're searching Dr. Mike but she ain't at the homestead. I thought perhaps she would be with you."
"No she ain't with me." Sully answered fear creeping up his spine. Where was she?
"Are Katie and Brian at home?"
"Yeah"
She wouldn't leave without Katie, would she? And she wouldn't leave the town without word to her friends or patients or without seeing that they'll get a new doc. Sully knew that. But what had happened that she wasn't at home in the middle of the night?
"Matthew, I have a real bad feeling." Sully jumped to his feed and ran to his horse. He didn't want to lose any time. He had to find her. Suddenly he had a terrible feeling that something bad had happened to her.
"Wait my love, not long and we'll be home again. Then nothing can separate us, nothing my love." He whispered in her ear. The slow motion of the train threatened to lull him to sleep but he couldn't let that happen. She would run from him if he wasn't there to assure her that everything would be alright now that they were reunited, that there was no reason to be afraid now. She was even more beautiful than he remembered her. He shouldn't have let her go, not in her state of mind. He knew that she was crazy but didn't want to face the truth. But when she ran from him he had to admit it. He searched for her. He changed his name. Oh, how he had longed for her all these years. He nearly searched the whole country until he heard of a woman doctoring in a small western town. A woman doctor, only fools could believe that. He knew immediately the person had to be her. She had done it again, fooled the people in an innocent little town. He had to be more careful this time, not allow her to do a step on her own, not let her leave the house alone, not until he could be sure that she wouldn't run again. But the first thing he had to do was to take her to the mental home, let the doctors help her there. She stirred a little bit so he took the chloroform and gave her some more so she calmed down. She wanted him to find her. He knew it. Otherwise she wouldn't have been so stupid to place that advertisement in the newspaper. He was just surprised that she didn't recognize him when he answered the advertisement to get the job as a doctor for her clinic. Okay he had changed his hair, but when she didn't recognize his name he knew that she really had gone mad. "You know, when we're in Portland everything will be alright. I do not blame you for what happened. No one could know that would happen. The dead of your little girl was just too much for you. I won't let that happen again. I promise, my love." He leaned closer to her until there was no space left between their two bodies. That was the woman that was meant for him and he was the man that was meant for her, it'll just take some time for her to acknowledge that, he thought. He noticed some of the other passengers glancing their way and smiled at them.
"She's ill. I had to get her back home, 'cause she ran away." He spoke aloud.
He didn't even notice that none of them was interested in what he told them, they just wondered why he was holding her so tight and why she was sleeping all the time.