Bond Ranks His Bass
By Rob Morris (With a nod to Sean Morris)
(We see Bond addressing a group of agents soon to attempt to achieve 00-status)
JB : Think you're ready, do you? I could drone on about the fiction versus the reality, the deaths of team members you never get to know well enough, and supposed enemies you may like too well to make your task a simple one. But I hate droning on, so instead I summarize our work thusly :
( Bond sings; To the tune of 'First Toymakers To The King' from 'Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town', Rankin/Bass, 1970)
It's a difficult responsibility
When on the Secret Service of Her Majesty
You must kill with precision and no glee
When you're a Double-O Agent to the Queen!
In Casinos walk with pride
Your trick weapons always hide
Enemy missiles must misfire
Or we will earn her royal ire
The Yanks must be tossed a bone
Or they will call her on the phone
And an agent on the prowl must learn
that sweet thing might be a foe!
It's a difficult responsibility
When on the Secret Service of Her Majesty
You must say your name with both panache and sheen;
When you're a Double-O Agent to the Queen!
All the schemers must let you in their lairs
So they can show their wares
To the locals give a nod
and they will lend a rescue squad
Wicked billionaires you must always stop
Or put the world in their hand
And false harsh clashes with M you must
Call up upon demand!
It's a difficult responsibility
When on the Secret Service of Her Majesty
You must have a franchise Godzilla would envy
When you're a Double-O Agent to the Queen!
( M runs up; She is in a frenzy)
M : 007, it's a threat to the polar icecaps themselves. Two feuding siblings, immensely powerful, and the Earth's climate is at stake.
JB : So much for the tropics, then. Unless I fail, that is…
(Bond arrives at the South Pole; corners the schemer)
JB : Quite clever—one of you warms the globe into the danger zone, the other 'rescues' it, and you both make out like bandit kings. Just who do you think you are, to attempt such a thing?
(The schemer answers)
Heatmiser : I'm Mister Beachfront Nevada, I'm Denier One; I'm Mister Carbon Footprint, I'm Mister What's The Fuss All About…