Hesitation
A Trigun fic
by Arana
- - -
"I want to come in and sit a while..."
I know I'm not and never was much of a preacher. Shit...I'm even bleeding on the carpet. Sorry. I just find it somewhat appropriate to spend my last breaths here with You.
Strange. This cross never felt this heavy before. At least not in comparison to sins that collected on my shoulders. I think I'll just kneel right here in front of Your alter. Even now with the Cross Punisher against my shoulder it feels heavier. Could it be You have forgiven me? Or is it more I've forgiven and admitted to myself?
Does it really matter? I'm dying aren't I? There will be no miracles for Nicholas D. Wolfwood, shot by the man who dirtied his hands in the first place. 'Hesitation will only let the moment pass you by' was the phrase you used right? My bitter laugh sounds so far away... I'm starting to drift...
No! I don't want to die! I have so much more I want to do for the children. For my friends Vash and Meryl.
For her.
My blue bright eyed angel. Who's mere presence puts me at ease, and wipes away any anxiety I have. She dares to trust me, accept me, embrace me. Even love me.
"Sorry, my honey. I said I'd be back," I hear escape my lips, followed by another bitter laugh. I could've gone back. I could probably still make it now. But I couldn't bear it. I don't want to see you hunched over me, tears falling on my pale face as blood drains from my body. It hurt me enough to see that look of disappointment and confusion in your eyes when I shot that Gung-Ho Guns kid.
At the same time, my heart aches for you. I can feel tears running down my rough face, each one reflecting part of my unfulfilled dream.
'Hesitation will only let the moment pass you by.'
I'm glad that there was at least one thing I didn't hesitate to do before I died...
- - -
"Here, have some of the coffee Senpai and I made."
I accept the coffee with a slight nod, and she continued to stand before the couch I'm on. The heat from the cup seeps into my hands. I look down at the dark brown liquid, and maybe it was a play of light, but his face appears.
'Thou shall not kill! What kind of priest are you?'
That blonde haired idiot. If only he knew the truth. But I could never tell...no not tell. Confess. I could never confess my past to him or anyone else. They could never understand a preacher who stained his hands with the blood of others to spare that of childrens. Our lives were and still are too different.
And yet, I'm here guiding him. Helping him. Protecting him.
Why? Because I was ordered by Knives.
At least in the beginning, that's what it was. Then the damned idiot and his ideals got to me. More like they echoed how I always wanted to believe would work but reality didn't allow it. And he defied it all. He tried to save those who were going to be killed. He tried to save those that wanted to kill. In the end, people were people to him.
'No one has the right to take the life of another.'
But I didn't have a choice then. That boy. Zazie the Beast, a Gung Ho Guns. He was going to kill Vash. I could only choose one or the other! It was the only option!
...But it still felt wrong. I felt like I had made a mistake. I didn't feel secure with the path I had chosen as I usually did. Now that I think about it, I could've shot the gun out of his hand...couldn't I? Shit...
Suddenly, she embraces me. I hadn't even noticed that I had been saying all this out loud, and now...I was crying. The coffee is forgotten and falls to the floor.
"You're a good healer."
"...Please remeber to eat the sandwiches later."
"Won't you stay with me and eat with me?"
Her fingers gently run through my hair, ever so slightly over my neck, jaw and cheek. She leans down and kisses me softly on the top of my head. My eyes snap open and I slowly look up at hers. She returns my gaze, compassion ebbing from every part of her as she continues to run her fingers through my hair.
Now.
Swiftly but carefully pull her down so that she is kneeling before me. My right hand rests upon the small of her back, holding her to me as my left hand caresses and cradles her face, only an inch from my own. So close I can see my own rough, stormy blue eyes reflecting in her clear blue sky ones. I start lean in, and both of our eyes begin to close...but I pause just short.
"Bokushi-sa-"
And my lips touch hers. I won't have it. Not now. Before, I didn't care...but now I want to hear it. The kiss is soft, simple, innocent. Then it's done. I touch my forehead to hers.
"Milly?"
"Hai?" Her voice is more hushed than usual, but the sweet bell-like tone is still there.
"Are you sure really want this?"
"You're the one who hesitated."
"I won't anymore...as long as you don't."
"But I didn't, boku-"
I place the tips of my fingers to her lips, shaking my head. "Say it Milly."
And for the first time, I see a hint of fear in her eyes. Doubt. I can't blame her so I start to pull away. As I lower the hand pressed to her lips, I feel her snatch it back and kiss it ever so softly, her eyes closed but her lips drawn in an affection smile.
"I'm sorry anata..." She opens her eyes, now filled with certainty, in reply to my question. "...Nicholas."
She pulls me back into her arms as my own pull her flush against me. My head comes to rest on her right shoulder, allowing me to whisper into her ear, a slight hint of amusement, "My honey."
She giggles a little but not for long. With nothing to hold either of us back anymore, I begin to nuzzle and nip tenderly at her ear, neck and collarbone. I hear my name somewhere in a sigh that escapes her lips, to which I once again take possession of, a bit more agressive than the first time. I run the tip of my tongue against her lips and flinch slightly in surprise as her own first lightly grazes then slips past my lips. My shocked eyes look down into her once innocent, child-like eyes, now clouded in lust.
She might be the youngest of her batch and the most sheltered...but no one can hide from their true desires. Not even you, my precious. I'm sure you've just been aching for the right person to come along like I have to open this floodgate you never really knew you had.
- - -
My eyes follow the litter of her clothing that leads from the couch to the bed from my spot near the window. Then further along to the sheets, slightly rising and falling with her gentle breathing. Her long, tan hair cascading over and off the pillow, a small smile on her face. I take a long drag of the cigarette, letting out the smoke in a sigh. If only I could wake up to such a sight from this day on... My eyes wander outside to the dawn sky, slowly melting away the blacks and blues of evening, the clouds reflecting mixes of orange, yellow and red.
Red. That guy... He'll be leaving for sure to find the remaining Gung-Ho Guns. To find Knives. The man now ordering Vash's death. Even though he's ordering though...I can't help but feel that's not what he really wants. Not that it matters. Even if I don't do it, someone will take my place. Che...damn that idiot. He's actually got me worrying about him so much that I don't feel like killing him. ...Not that I really wanted to in the first place, now that I think about it. Damn crazy pacifist.
"I told you before, smoking is bad for the baby, anata."
"Eh?! Ah suman na." Man, I was so lost in thought I didn't even notice her sitting up. I walk over to the table and put out the cigarette in the ash tray, pausing before breaking it to her.
"I have to go."
She nods sadly, hugging her knees to her chest as her eyes fall to the white sheets. "I noticed. You wouldn't be dressed if you didn't. You'd still be with me...here. By my side..." Her tone is so sad, longing. It's not that I don't want those things. I want them more than anything but...
I can't promise those things to her.
"I'll be back," I lie. "Wait for me here, okay?"
She looks up, her eyes happy, hopeful and ready to spill tears, all in one. "Un."
I pick up the Cross Punisher and head out the door, pausing halfway out the frame. I smile back over my shoulder to her, "Ittekimasu, my honey."
"Itterashai, anata."
I walk out and turn around to face her one last time.
I had almost forgotten...
"I love you."
I see a few tears spill from her eyes then, glistening a little in the sunlight. She doesn't answer back, but she doesn't need to.
Then I closed the door, never to see that beautiful face in the flesh again.
* * *
Mmm~... ~.~ Well there it is. I don't know if I really did a good job on the whole POV thing, seeing as it's my first time. Hopefully, it reads okay. Hmmm~... I might revise this a little down the road. I'm not sure if they're way OOC either. Ga~h. n.n;
It's funny. This was originally supposed to be somewhat of a lemon, but I just couldn't do it in the end. I'm such a wimp. n.n; But I think it works better this way. I don't think people would necessary want to imagine Milly doing...stuff. n.n;
Vocab Che~kku!
senpai - senior (Milly uses this since Meryl is her 'superior')
bokushi - priest
anata - equivalent of 'dear' for a married couple
suman - roughy way of saying 'sorry'
ittekimasu - 'I'm off!'
itterashai - you know I'm not 100% sure but I usually treat it as anything you say to someone leaving; Be careful; Take care
A Trigun fic
by Arana
- - -
"I want to come in and sit a while..."
I know I'm not and never was much of a preacher. Shit...I'm even bleeding on the carpet. Sorry. I just find it somewhat appropriate to spend my last breaths here with You.
Strange. This cross never felt this heavy before. At least not in comparison to sins that collected on my shoulders. I think I'll just kneel right here in front of Your alter. Even now with the Cross Punisher against my shoulder it feels heavier. Could it be You have forgiven me? Or is it more I've forgiven and admitted to myself?
Does it really matter? I'm dying aren't I? There will be no miracles for Nicholas D. Wolfwood, shot by the man who dirtied his hands in the first place. 'Hesitation will only let the moment pass you by' was the phrase you used right? My bitter laugh sounds so far away... I'm starting to drift...
No! I don't want to die! I have so much more I want to do for the children. For my friends Vash and Meryl.
For her.
My blue bright eyed angel. Who's mere presence puts me at ease, and wipes away any anxiety I have. She dares to trust me, accept me, embrace me. Even love me.
"Sorry, my honey. I said I'd be back," I hear escape my lips, followed by another bitter laugh. I could've gone back. I could probably still make it now. But I couldn't bear it. I don't want to see you hunched over me, tears falling on my pale face as blood drains from my body. It hurt me enough to see that look of disappointment and confusion in your eyes when I shot that Gung-Ho Guns kid.
At the same time, my heart aches for you. I can feel tears running down my rough face, each one reflecting part of my unfulfilled dream.
'Hesitation will only let the moment pass you by.'
I'm glad that there was at least one thing I didn't hesitate to do before I died...
- - -
"Here, have some of the coffee Senpai and I made."
I accept the coffee with a slight nod, and she continued to stand before the couch I'm on. The heat from the cup seeps into my hands. I look down at the dark brown liquid, and maybe it was a play of light, but his face appears.
'Thou shall not kill! What kind of priest are you?'
That blonde haired idiot. If only he knew the truth. But I could never tell...no not tell. Confess. I could never confess my past to him or anyone else. They could never understand a preacher who stained his hands with the blood of others to spare that of childrens. Our lives were and still are too different.
And yet, I'm here guiding him. Helping him. Protecting him.
Why? Because I was ordered by Knives.
At least in the beginning, that's what it was. Then the damned idiot and his ideals got to me. More like they echoed how I always wanted to believe would work but reality didn't allow it. And he defied it all. He tried to save those who were going to be killed. He tried to save those that wanted to kill. In the end, people were people to him.
'No one has the right to take the life of another.'
But I didn't have a choice then. That boy. Zazie the Beast, a Gung Ho Guns. He was going to kill Vash. I could only choose one or the other! It was the only option!
...But it still felt wrong. I felt like I had made a mistake. I didn't feel secure with the path I had chosen as I usually did. Now that I think about it, I could've shot the gun out of his hand...couldn't I? Shit...
Suddenly, she embraces me. I hadn't even noticed that I had been saying all this out loud, and now...I was crying. The coffee is forgotten and falls to the floor.
"You're a good healer."
"...Please remeber to eat the sandwiches later."
"Won't you stay with me and eat with me?"
Her fingers gently run through my hair, ever so slightly over my neck, jaw and cheek. She leans down and kisses me softly on the top of my head. My eyes snap open and I slowly look up at hers. She returns my gaze, compassion ebbing from every part of her as she continues to run her fingers through my hair.
Now.
Swiftly but carefully pull her down so that she is kneeling before me. My right hand rests upon the small of her back, holding her to me as my left hand caresses and cradles her face, only an inch from my own. So close I can see my own rough, stormy blue eyes reflecting in her clear blue sky ones. I start lean in, and both of our eyes begin to close...but I pause just short.
"Bokushi-sa-"
And my lips touch hers. I won't have it. Not now. Before, I didn't care...but now I want to hear it. The kiss is soft, simple, innocent. Then it's done. I touch my forehead to hers.
"Milly?"
"Hai?" Her voice is more hushed than usual, but the sweet bell-like tone is still there.
"Are you sure really want this?"
"You're the one who hesitated."
"I won't anymore...as long as you don't."
"But I didn't, boku-"
I place the tips of my fingers to her lips, shaking my head. "Say it Milly."
And for the first time, I see a hint of fear in her eyes. Doubt. I can't blame her so I start to pull away. As I lower the hand pressed to her lips, I feel her snatch it back and kiss it ever so softly, her eyes closed but her lips drawn in an affection smile.
"I'm sorry anata..." She opens her eyes, now filled with certainty, in reply to my question. "...Nicholas."
She pulls me back into her arms as my own pull her flush against me. My head comes to rest on her right shoulder, allowing me to whisper into her ear, a slight hint of amusement, "My honey."
She giggles a little but not for long. With nothing to hold either of us back anymore, I begin to nuzzle and nip tenderly at her ear, neck and collarbone. I hear my name somewhere in a sigh that escapes her lips, to which I once again take possession of, a bit more agressive than the first time. I run the tip of my tongue against her lips and flinch slightly in surprise as her own first lightly grazes then slips past my lips. My shocked eyes look down into her once innocent, child-like eyes, now clouded in lust.
She might be the youngest of her batch and the most sheltered...but no one can hide from their true desires. Not even you, my precious. I'm sure you've just been aching for the right person to come along like I have to open this floodgate you never really knew you had.
- - -
My eyes follow the litter of her clothing that leads from the couch to the bed from my spot near the window. Then further along to the sheets, slightly rising and falling with her gentle breathing. Her long, tan hair cascading over and off the pillow, a small smile on her face. I take a long drag of the cigarette, letting out the smoke in a sigh. If only I could wake up to such a sight from this day on... My eyes wander outside to the dawn sky, slowly melting away the blacks and blues of evening, the clouds reflecting mixes of orange, yellow and red.
Red. That guy... He'll be leaving for sure to find the remaining Gung-Ho Guns. To find Knives. The man now ordering Vash's death. Even though he's ordering though...I can't help but feel that's not what he really wants. Not that it matters. Even if I don't do it, someone will take my place. Che...damn that idiot. He's actually got me worrying about him so much that I don't feel like killing him. ...Not that I really wanted to in the first place, now that I think about it. Damn crazy pacifist.
"I told you before, smoking is bad for the baby, anata."
"Eh?! Ah suman na." Man, I was so lost in thought I didn't even notice her sitting up. I walk over to the table and put out the cigarette in the ash tray, pausing before breaking it to her.
"I have to go."
She nods sadly, hugging her knees to her chest as her eyes fall to the white sheets. "I noticed. You wouldn't be dressed if you didn't. You'd still be with me...here. By my side..." Her tone is so sad, longing. It's not that I don't want those things. I want them more than anything but...
I can't promise those things to her.
"I'll be back," I lie. "Wait for me here, okay?"
She looks up, her eyes happy, hopeful and ready to spill tears, all in one. "Un."
I pick up the Cross Punisher and head out the door, pausing halfway out the frame. I smile back over my shoulder to her, "Ittekimasu, my honey."
"Itterashai, anata."
I walk out and turn around to face her one last time.
I had almost forgotten...
"I love you."
I see a few tears spill from her eyes then, glistening a little in the sunlight. She doesn't answer back, but she doesn't need to.
Then I closed the door, never to see that beautiful face in the flesh again.
* * *
Mmm~... ~.~ Well there it is. I don't know if I really did a good job on the whole POV thing, seeing as it's my first time. Hopefully, it reads okay. Hmmm~... I might revise this a little down the road. I'm not sure if they're way OOC either. Ga~h. n.n;
It's funny. This was originally supposed to be somewhat of a lemon, but I just couldn't do it in the end. I'm such a wimp. n.n; But I think it works better this way. I don't think people would necessary want to imagine Milly doing...stuff. n.n;
Vocab Che~kku!
senpai - senior (Milly uses this since Meryl is her 'superior')
bokushi - priest
anata - equivalent of 'dear' for a married couple
suman - roughy way of saying 'sorry'
ittekimasu - 'I'm off!'
itterashai - you know I'm not 100% sure but I usually treat it as anything you say to someone leaving; Be careful; Take care