I am not going to use the old "I don't own Naruto and no copyright infringement is intended" disclaimer, because while I don't know if fanfiction published online is copyright infringement, I do know that if it is then that disclaimer doesn't help. it's like jumping into a stranger's car and driving away, saying "I don't own this car! No car theft intended!"

Naruto and Sasuke lay beside each other.

"I guess I'm a disarming fellow," Naruto said.

"Naruto, shut up."

"And I guess I'm a huge Hemingway fan, too. A Farewell to Arms, get it? Hahaha!"

"Naruto, shut up."

Sakura jumped down to them and started healing them.

"Sakura, I'm…" Sasuke began. "I'm… sorry for everything… up to.. now…"

"I instantly believe you for no apparent reason," she sobbed.

All around the battlefield, the other ninjas were looking around at the battlefield.

"Now comes the time of mourning," Ino said.
"Who exactly are we supposed to mourn?" asked Choji.
"Neiji, of course," she replied. "He's the only good guy who died."

"Then shouldn't we be happy?" asked Choji. "I don't meant to disrespect him, but… A 'great war,' where one main good guy dies and the rest of us survive? That's good, right?"

"Quiet," said Shikamaru. "Show some damn respect for this guy we apparently are supposed to have cared about."

"But look," Choji said," imagine that after World War II, it had turned out that every single soldier from the allied forces had survived except for one person. That wouldn't be sad, it would be wonderful ne-"

"Quiet," said Shikamaru, "or I'll have Kishimoto draw you as a fat Ricky Gervais in the epilogue."

"You wouldn't!" Ino gasped.

"Kishimoto does what I want. I've still got the photos of his drunk makeout session with Eiichiro Oda at the Shonen Jump Christmas party."

"I'm just saying that it's a bit silly to be sad that only one person you kind of knew died in a great-"

Kakashi looked up at his stone face up on not-Mount Rushmore. It was the face of a hokage. He'd finally agreed to serve as the village's leader, despite the reluctance he'd shown before. BUt this time, they'd acceeded to his request. A gazillion gummy bears every third month.

It'd taken him hours to convinve them that a gazillion was an actual number.

He turned his gaze back to Sasuke. "To be honest, you would usually have been locked away for life," he told Sasuke. "But since you saved the world, you got a pardon."

"I did that because I had to, though," Sasuke said. "It's not like ignoring that threat was ever an option. I didn't have any choice in the matter."

"Nevertheless. you-"

"And that doesn't exactly do shit to prove I'll be on the good guys's side from now on," Sasuke continued. "This is basically as if Saddam Hussein were to stop an alien invasion of Earth, and USA'd take that as a sign that Saddam's not gonna be an evil dictator anymore. It's so freakin' stupid."

"Sasuke!" Sakura ran towards the two of them. "Is it true what I heard? Are you really going to Amegakure to create order in the anarchy that's been reigning there ever since they lost Pain? Is that your punishment for your sins?"

"No," said Kakashi, "as I was about to explain, we all finally agreed that evil people shouldn't be punished for their crimes. Naruto and I vouched for Sasuke. We even pinkie-promised."

"I still don't understand why, though," said Sasuke. "I only showed remorse once I was so tired and helpless that I had to, or I'd be in danger. If I'd still seemed evil, you could have killed me."

"Shut up, I'm trying to be moving," said Kakashi.

"Anyway, I need to go," said Sasuke. "I need to see this world for myself."

"But Lady Tsunade's almost got your artificial arm ready," said Sakura. "It'll be done in, like, about five seconds."

"But if I wait, like, about five seconds, it's possible that I'll miss my chance to see with this kind of clarity again."

"Miss your chance to… what does that even mean?" Sakura asked.

"I haven't got a clue," Sasuke said, "but it sounds pretty damn cool. And in my heart, I know that's all that matters. Besides, there are a few other things I have to take care of."

"Evil things?" asked Kakashi.

"Of course not. Just things that a famous terrori- I mean ex-terrorist like me might want to do someplace where people won't know what kind of secret things he's up to."

"Ah, all right then."

"Can I…" Sakura sobbed, "come with you?"

"Of course not," said Sasuke. "I've tried to kill you in the past. Only a complete misogynist would think it's a good idea for you to hang out with a guy who's done that."

"True..." Sakura admitted. "Good to see that this story ends with a healthy view on relationships."

EPILOGUE

"Class is over," said teacher Coolmask.

"Awesome!" shouted Bolt. "I'm gonna go vandalize not-Mount Rushmore!"

"Why'll you do that?" asked Chouchou.

"Because that'll show I'm my dad's son, and be kinda heartwarming in its way!"

"No it won't," Chouchou said. "He did that kind of thing out of anger about how he was a friendless outcast. As far as we know, you're doing it because you're a brat. It's like the difference between stealing food because you're starving and stealing food because you're too stingy to pay. Only a complete idiot would think there's any similarity just because the act itself is the same."

"Or a manga creator who knows this is the last chapter and he doesn't need to make an effort anymore," said Inojin.

"Or," Chouchou added, "a manga creator who thinks his fans are idiots who don't see the difference I just mentioned.

In a different part of the village, Choji and his wife Karui were waiting for Shikamaru to arrive, with a few other ninjas.

"I can't believe Shikamaru did it," Choji mumbled. "And he had to pick Ricky Gervais. Ricky Gervais, of all people."

"Don't mumble, honey," said Karui. "Focus on pretending that we've got some actual chemistry going."

"Right," Choji said. "Oh, Karui, I love you in a real and non-contrived way. Our marriage totally wasn't just an attempt to pair everyone with someone else."

"I'll never leave you, my alleged love," Karui said, "because you're the person who I purportedly love more than anybody else."

Bolt was hard at work vandalzing public property as he felt a fist hit his head.

"Stop ruining the tourist attractions, you damn brat!" Naruto yelled.

"It's not fair of you to use shunshin no ju-"

"SHUT IT!" Naruto yelled and punched Bolt on the head. He knew that good fathers always physically abused their children for talking back. And he felt fairly certain that being punched on the head as a kid by an extremely powerful ninja didn't HAVE to give you permament brain damage. Besides, it was one thing if the kid wanted to vandalize works of art. But disagree with his dad? That's a beating, kid.

"Why'd he have to do that?" Konohamaru said, looking at the vandalism. "This day, too…"

"Don't be so hard on Bolt," said Iruka. "His father neglects him in favour of work, and physically abuses him, too, as we just saw. You can't expect a kid like that to grow up without any problems."

"True," Konohamaru said. "DAMN Naruto's a shitty dad."

Up on not-Mount Rushmore, Naruto was talking to Bolt.

"I'm important to this village," Naruto said. "The entire village is like my family. So there are times when I can't be only your dad. I need to take care of the rest of the village too, because all of them are my family. Do you understand?"

"I guess…"

"I know you'll understand one day," Naruto said. "You can endure it. Because you're a true ninja."

"I just… I just thought that maybe you could try to spend time with me. Since I'm your actual son. And it hurts when you don't want to be with me."

"That's very selfish of you," Naruto said.

"I'm sorry..."

"Just don't do it again," Naruto said. "Remember - if you ever want me to spend time with you, you're a bad ninja." Of course, Naruto could have stopped neglecting Bolt and just quit his job as hokage. That way he could have focused on making sure that his son got a healthy upbringing. But why would he want do that?

"I'm home!" Salad, Sasuke and Sakura's daughter, called.

"Welcome home," Sakura said.

"Mom, boys are really stupid, aren't they?"'

"Is this about Bolt?"

"Yeah…" Salad said.

"Salad, we've talked about this. Who married someone that tried to kill her?"

"You did…"

"So who's the real idiot?"

"Sorry I'm late!" said Naruto to the other kages.

"Hey, Naruto… A good hokage's not supposed to be late."

"I'm sorry I was too busy hitting my son."

"You hit your son?"

"Just once."

"But you're a powerful ninja. You hitting your son is like me shooting a moose with a bazooka."

Naruto ignored the comment and sat down. It was good to be hokage. Sure, Naruto had never shown any ability to perform political work well, and people weren't sure if such an inexperienced person should be the head honcho of the village. Especially considering that Naruto's one skill, fighting, was useless in this peaceful world. Luckily, people didn't question his suitability for the job when they remembered he could kick the crap out of anyone he wanted.