The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any comic book characters is off in a marketing meeting. Just a little mad ramble through my mind on the latest scandal to hit the comics world.
Advanced Studies In Comic Book Relationships
Hank McCoy closed the classroom door with a shudder. "Why didn't I listen to my father and become a research scientist in a nuclear facility? It's not like I could have gotten any more mutated than I am now!"
"Hey Beast," Logan walked up and noticed there was a lot of shouting behind the closed door. "What's going on in there?"
"Don't go in there…" Hank moaned. "The students are having another one of their debates. With the Brotherhood."
"Please tell me that it's our students verses the Brotherhood," Logan winced. "Not one of those stupid pop culture argument things again!"
"Okay I won't tell you," Hank said.
"Oh crap!" Logan spat. "Why can't we go back to the good old days when we just fought the Brotherhood with our powers? Why did we have to go and talk things out with them?"
"Well brace yourself for the next round of the pop culture wars," Hank said.
"Please tell me that this is not going to be like the Kristen Stewart riot we had a few weeks ago," Logan moaned.
"Logan that wasn't really a riot as much as it was a pep rally," Hank corrected. "A pep rally from Hell but still a pep rally. The difference being that nearly all the students were in agreement with the Brotherhood."
"Except for Rogue who just stood there laughing her butt off the whole time," Logan moaned. "That was a nightmare!"
"I agree things did get a little out of control," Hank said. "Okay a lot out of control."
"Like the effigy burning that nearly took out the entire backyard!" Logan snapped. "I may not remember a lot of things but the one thing I will never forget is watching Jean cheer Pyro on and encourage him to make the flames go higher."
"I'm afraid we have another case of home wrecking to deal with," Hank said.
"Oh God who did who now?" Logan asked.
"You mean who did what now?"
"No, I mean who did who now?" Logan snapped.
"Uh…" Hank began. "Now that I think about it perhaps your question is rather accurate?"
"So what happened this time?" Logan asked. "What idiot celebrity did something stupid now?"
"Logan, we need your opinion," Kurt teleported before them.
"Do you really?" Logan groaned.
"Hey don't try to sway his opinion before we state our case!" Ray opened the door and glared at Kurt.
"What case?" Logan shouted as he walked into the room. Two sets of X-Men and Brotherhood students were on opposite sides of the room shouting at each other. "HOLD IT! Will someone tell me what the flaming hell you are fighting about now?"
"Wolverine, Superman dating Wonder Woman. For or against?" Lance spoke up.
"You have got to be kidding?" Logan groaned. "This is what you're fighting about?"
"Yes," Kitty said. "Me, Bobby, Ray, Tabitha, Sam, Roberto, Pietro and Pyro are for Team Super Woman."
"Team Super Woman?" Logan blinked.
"You know? A combination of Superman and Wonder Woman," Pyro spoke up.
"It's a combination that makes my stomach turn," Fred spat out.
"Mine too," Jean agreed. "Fred, me, Scott, Kurt, Lance, Amara, Rogue, Toad and Wanda are against this."
"Technically Wanda and I are both anti-Wonder Woman period," Rogue spoke up. "We just sort of ended up on this side by default."
"How can you be anti-Wonder Woman?" Kitty asked. "She's a great role model."
"She's an oversexed bimbo that runs around half naked," Rogue snapped.
"And now we know why Rogue hates her," Pietro mocked.
"Oh right. The whole can't let skin show unless I want to put everyone in a coma thing," Tabitha said. "I guess that would tick me off."
"You have no idea how ticked off I am right now," Logan growled. "You are all fighting over the love lives of cartoon characters? It was bad enough when you were starting riots over real people!"
"You don't understand Logan," Kurt spoke up. "This is a real issue. I mean Superman a person of integrity…"
"A fictional person of integrity," Logan interrupted.
"Still a symbol of integrity," Kurt added. "And he leaves his human girlfriend for someone with superpowers? That's shallow!"
"And now we all know why Nightcrawler is on that side of the argument!" Pietro rolled his eyes. "Taking this a little too personally aren't you Elf Boy?"
"Look, Superman and Wonder Woman are the new power couple," Tabitha said. "It's hip. It's hot. It's new. Deal with it."
"And why are you guys for Super Woman?" Logan asked. "I ask knowing that I am going to regret it."
"Because she's hot duh!" Pyro said. The rest of the guys on the Pro side nodded in agreement.
"Please! Lois is so much hotter than Wonder Woman," Fred grumbled. "And she has more brains! She's an award winning investigative reporter!"
"An award winning investigative reporter who can't figure out her co-worker is Superman just because he puts on a pair of glasses," Pietro rolled his eyes.
"I'm just so disappointed," Jean said. "Wonder Woman is supposed to be a role model of a strong independent woman."
"Who runs around in a bathing suit and a tiara," Rogue rolled her eyes.
"And here she goes breaking up a relationship and throwing herself at a strong man!" Jean threw up her hands.
"Some Amazon she is," Amara agreed.
"How could she just run off with Superman?" Jean asked. "It doesn't make sense!"
"Jean the sexual tension between those two has been building up since the late 80's," Pietro rolled his eyes. "Read a comic sometime! You might learn something!"
"I'm learning something right now," Logan grumbled. "I'm learning you're all nuts! Scott how did you get roped into this crap?"
"I'll give you a clue," Pietro called out. "Her name rhymes with mean."
"Quicksilver!" Jean snapped.
"The truth hurts Red. Deal with it," Pietro waved.
"I'm going to hurt you Pietro if you don't…" Jean snapped.
"That's right, Jean! Threaten violence whenever someone has a different opinion than you!" Pietro went on.
"Which is why Summers is keeping his mouth shut," Pyro mocked.
"Will you all be quiet?" Kitty snapped. "You haven't even heard our side of the debate."
"Oh this should be good!" Lance threw up his arms. "Kitty telling us all about why the new girlfriend is better than the old! It's all about the new with you isn't it Kitty?"
"And we all now know why Alvers is on this side," Scott groaned.
"Yeah I kind of figured that one out," Logan said.
"Okay first of all, Wonder Woman is not technically a home wrecker," Kitty spoke up. "In the new series Superman never met Lois so they were never married."
"It's an alternate reality reboot to keep the series new and fresh," Tabitha explained.
"Translation, throw the old characters and stories out the window so they could start over and make more cash," Todd rolled his eyes.
"Guys maybe Logan's right and this isn't that big a deal?" Scott asked. Jean glared at him. "Or not…"
"Just give it a chance!" Ray snapped. "That's all we ask!"
"What I want to ask is why Multiple isn't here?" Logan asked as he looked around.
"He said this argument was too childish for him," Hank quipped.
"Well he's not wrong," Logan said.
"Look Wonder Woman is cool okay?" Kitty said. "I mean come on! She's got those awesome bracelets that stop bullets. Say what you want but the woman knows how to accessorize."
"You know why she wears those bracelets? It's because they're modeled after Wonder Woman's creator's mistress!" Wanda spat. "They were into bondage!"
"Which explains a lot of the early comics in the series," Todd nodded.
"A home wrecker modeled after a home wrecker," Lance said. "What a shock!"
"And what kind of stupid Amazon loses her powers if she's tied up by a man?" Wanda added.
"And she was always getting tied up by a man!" Todd rolled his eyes.
"That was just the early comics," Pietro said. "Face it! Lois Lane is hyperactive whiny little witch who puts her career before anything else!"
"Hold on a second," Logan held up his hand. "Wait. Is this same Lois Lane the one from the TV show Lois and Clark?"
"Yes! Superman and Lois Lane!" Kitty said. "And now Superman is with Wonder Woman."
"I liked that show," Logan said. "I always liked Lois Lane. Had spunk. And now they've got Superman cheating on her?"
"I think technically he never really dated her in this alternate reality," Scott explained. "I haven't been reading the comics so…"
"Well that's just stupid," Logan said. "Lois Lane clearly is the only woman who belongs with Superman. She's the brains. He's the brawn."
"YES!" Lance whooped. "IN YOUR FACE KITTY!"
"WHAT?" Kitty shouted. "Logan you can't be serious!"
"I'm just saying it's obviously a ploy to sell comics," Logan said. "There's no way that couple is going to last. Celebrity couples never do."
"PROFESSOR!" Hank stormed out of the room, yelling loudly. "WE LOST ANOTHER ONE!"
"Hank, I can hear you," Xavier wheeled up to him in the corridor. "What is going on in there?"
"The students and the Brotherhood are debating the pros and cons of Superman and Wonder Woman dating," Hank explained.
"Hold on, Superman and Wonder Woman, as in the comic book characters?" Xavier raised an eyebrow.
"Yes," Hank sighed.
"Isn't Superman dating Lois Lane?" Xavier asked.
"Not anymore. That's what they're all arguing about," Hank said. "And Wolverine has just succumbed to the insanity."
"It is insane," Xavier was stunned.
"Thank you," Hank sighed.
"Why would Superman leave Lois Lane? I used to love that show," Xavier said. "Terri Hatcher was perfect. Why would he leave her?"
"It's official," Hank moaned as he started to bang his head against the wall. "We're doomed."