Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I don't claim to know, own or profit from using anyone associated with Smosh and SmoshGames. It's just for entertainment purposes only.
Author's Note:Ahahaha, so hello. I'm new and please spare me. I haven't quite decided where to go with this story - if I'll turn it into a multi-chaptered something or just leave as a stand alone. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of time to devote to writing these days so even if I do somehow get convinced to make it multiple chapters, I make no promises I'll finish it! But this Iancorn plot bunny just hopped right into my brain and I had to write it. So I hope you enjoy! :)
"So, hashtag buttplug me, Mari?" Sohinki leaned forward in his chair after the filming had ended for the latest episode of Game Bang.
"I swear to god if that's the one thing that comes out of this!" Mari groaned, rising to her feet.
"If that's the one thing that comes out of this, I'll be impressed. Especially with all the Ianthony we had going on," Lasercorn couldn't resist teasing them.
Ever since they discovered fanfics were a thing and especially after they discovered how hardcore some of those fans could get with their words, it became the new inside joke. Careful what you do, you'll be the next ship or That's DEFINITELY going down in fanfic history between the I wonder if someone wrote about that yet. Quick! Go look it up! to the Hey, wouldn't it be funny if someone actually wrote this? I'm giving them the hint in this week's episode. It was especially funny considering how much it seemed to get under Anthony's skin - or at least he seemed to make a bigger deal out of it than the rest of them. Maybe he wanted to protect his manhood or something stupid like that. Lasercorn wasn't really one to say anything, but if he did, it probably would have been giving Anthony a word of advice that freaking out the way he did probably had the opposite effect of proving he was straight.
Even as he thought about it now, Anthony was pitching a fit, "Excuse me while I-BLEGHHH." He turned to Lasercorn's lap and leaned over, pretending to hurl on him.
"I don't know," Ian peeled off his orange wig and used it to mop the sweat from his brow. "I think I did some pretty sweet Nickelback impressions. That might just be the highlight."
"They were pretty sweet. The lovely way you went demonback. The only thing missing was the 360 head spin," Lasercorn fondly agreed.
"Uh, no. If anything it's going to be the Jovenshire's sweet moves," Joven struck an endearingly dumb pose, hips jutting and thrusting at the air.
Sohinki watched their friend's open display of idiocy before deciding he had enough for one day, "Well, on that disturbing note - I'm gonna head out."
A chorus of 'byes' and 'see yas' rose up before Mari turned to Joven and thrust her finger at his face, "And by the way, I still call shenanigans. You and Ian twerked me out of my rightful spot."
"But isn't twerking on someone the thing you're supposed to do to that song? Haven't you learned anything from Miley?" Joven regarded her incredulously.
Mari gave him her best deadpan, "No. And I'd like to hope you haven't either."
"I don't know, Mari. Hashtag buttplug me? Sounds pretty Miley to me. I don't know why you would even say something like that." Anthony looked away as though he was silently judging her.
"You said it! You made it happen! Don't drag me down into your hole!"
"You heard her, Anthony. She doesn't want none of your gloryhole," Ian chimed in because Mari made it too easy.
She placed her palms on her forehead, but in spite of the superficial exasperation, she said in good humor, "I'm done. I'm just done. I'll see you guys next week." Mari gathered her things, turning to Joven. "You're helping out with Super Mari Funtime this week, right?"
"I'm game. Ha ha, get it? Game," Joven laughed at his own joke, turning to see if anyone else joined him. No one did. It still didn't seem to stop him from enjoying his own humor, though. "Text you guys later."
He and Mari headed out together, chatting the whole way and before their voices faded entirely into the distance, a very audible 'Oh god, Joven! Really?' was heard and they could only guess what he had said. Lasercorn knew that behind all the jokes and awkward flirting, Joven really did have a thing for Mari. It came up one bored night when the power had gone out and the only way they could entertain themselves was dusting off the old Magic: the Gathering cards and playing by candlelight while chatting about videogames and life - hell, who was he kidding? Videogames pretty much were their lives.
But in their gaming filled lives, came their gaming filled jobs, and Joven, apparently needing to tell someone, had confided in Lasercorn about Mari - perhaps hoping for advice or some guidance. Instead he got laughed at, and then a 'oh, were you serious?' Lasercorn had to admit he felt a little guilty, but he also had to admit Mari might have been into Joven too - after all, she treated him the same way a girl on the playground would treat her crush and they were all pretty much at the same level as school children, so that had to count for something, right? Maybe Joven would get lucky.
Lasercorn? Nah. Probably not so much. He watched as Ian and Anthony bantered with the ease of two people who knew everything about one another. It wasn't that he was jealous, exactly. It would be stupid to be jealous over something that was out of his control. Ian and Anthony had been friends since high school and joined forces to create the YouTube empire known as Smosh. It would be impossible to think he even had a chance of coming close to that bond.
Did he think Ian and Anthony were more than friends? No. They both had girlfriends, for one thing - even though that alone wasn't enough to dispel the possibility - but there was something about them as Lasercorn had watched them dance their punishment. Something about them that held back, something about them that appeared really uncomfortable to be dancing a romantic duet together, something especially about Ian that hadn't seemed to exist when he and Lasercorn had lost and danced their infamous punishment together. Ian had appeared reluctant to get too close to Anthony. The punishment seemed more like a punishment amped up because they both had known a large amount of their views came from fanservice, but it lacked the humor. It hadn't even gotten one of Joven's walrus laughs! With him and Ian, it had been different, but Lasercorn brushed the thought away.
It was stupid to entertain the idea of it. He didn't even know why he was. Did he have a thing for Ian the way Joven did for Mari? He wasn't sure. Lasercorn definitely looked up to Ian and respected him. Who wouldn't? The guy was a comedic genius, never failing to cause a room full of people to laugh themselves to tears. He was the type of guy anyone would want to be around because of his quick humor and sharp wit. Lasercorn liked to think that out of himself, Jovenshire and Sohinki, he was the Ian of their little group, but he still felt sometimes he tried too hard to be funny - it wasn't nearly as organic. With Ian, it was just a natural part of his personality - part of the allure.
Anthony's cell phone rang, pulling Lasercorn from his ridiculous thoughts. After giving it a quick check, Anthony answered it with: "Hey, babe. ...Not much, just finishing things up here. I'll be home in like three, maybe four hours? Want me to pick up something when I get back to LA? Okay, see ya soon. Love you, bye." After finishing the brief call, he tucked his phone in his back pocket, turning to the both of them. "Well, I gotta catch my flight so Ian - see you Monday. Lasercorn - until next week."
Ian and Lasercorn exchanged glances and held them almost like a silent game of rock, paper, scissors. Ian lost and had to be the one to speak up, "Uh, Anthony?"
"Yeah?"
"You gonna wear that shirt home?"
"Not that there's anything wrong with it, I think it looks fabulous on you," Lasercorn chimed in to tease.
Anthony looked down, realizing he was still wearing the girly, punishment shirt. Instead of being embarrassed, he struck a pose, "What. You guys didn't think I could start the next new fashion trend?" He flipped his bangs with exaggerated femininity.
"The world needs more things to laugh at, so why not?" Ian shrugged.
Regardless, Anthony was peeling off the skin tight tank top and finding his original shirt - shrugging it over his shoulders before grabbing his hoodie, "My moobs weren't big enough to fill it out anyway. I'm pretty self-conscious about that."
"Ehhh. Moobs are overrated. Down with moobs," Lasercorn gave a thumbs down to emphasize his point.
"But..." Ian looked hurt, reaching down toward his chest and squeezing it together to create fake cleavage. "I thought I'd grow mine out. I thought it was the in-thing! How come no one told me this until now?"
"Because youuuuu aaaaaareeee theeee only exceeeeeeptiooooon~" Lasercorn crooned off key.
Ian batted his eyelashes, bringing his hand daintily to his heart and offering his best, girlish giggle, "Oh stop. You flatter me too much."
Anthony coughed a few times, "AhemahemGAYcoughhack."
"Don't be hatin'," Ian's arm slid around Lasercorn's shoulders.
"Yeah," Lasercorn folded his arms. "Sounds to me an awful lot like someone's jealous. And I totally get it. I'd be jealous too if I wasn't the Corn in Iancorn."
"That's like gloating about being the corn in a piece of shit," Anthony made a face.
Ian pursed his lips thoughtfully, "I don't know. I'd be pretty jealous of that still. Corn is like the Christmas decoration for poo, dresses it up."
"Yeah, when you put it like that you're right. I'm jealous. I only hope when I go home I can hide my envy from Kalel," Anthony smiled with a shake of his head before he raised his hand to give them each a 'guy hug' goodbye. "Anyway, guys. S'been good. See ya around."
"Bye, man," Lasercorn patted his back.
"Take care," Ian sent him off.
And just like he and Ian were alone. Lasercorn hadn't anticipated this turn of events, half expecting Ian and Anthony to leave together - but hey, all the better. Maybe they could hang out for a bit, "Hey - you wanna grab some food or something?"
"I'll never say no to food. Where you wanna go?"
"Actually I thought we could stay right here. There's gotta be a whole wide array of leftovers in the fridge, yeah?"
Ian wrinkled his nose, "Just how I always wanted to die, playing SmoshGames Refrigerator Roulette. Alright, fine. I'm feeling adventurous. Let's do this." They looked at each other and in sync struck douchebag poses and said: "YOLO."
Lasercorn led the way to the break room, pulling open the fridge, poking his head inside, and mimicking a commercial of their childhood, "Alright so we got some ice tea, soda, purple stuff, Sunny D."
"Uh...purple stuff. Hands down! Pour me a glass of that unidentifiable purple goodness."
Lasercorn laughed, "Closest thing we got is grape soda. Still want it?"
"Hit me," Ian grabbed a plastic cup, slamming it down on the counter.
He popped the top of the can and poured it into the cup, "Wait, no! We're doing this all wrong! Go sit down and let me romance you. There was a distinct lack of Iancorn in this Game Bang so goddamnit, we're making up for it!"
Ian let out a long, exasperated sigh, "Fiiiiiine." He trudged over to the door, pausing to sip his drink. "I'll be waiting in the meeting room for your romantic surprise. Don't keep me waiting long, sweetie." Ian joked with a wink and a blown kiss before prancing off. He had only just disappeared from view when Lasercorn heard: "Oh crap. It splashed up all over my shirt."
"That's why you don't prance with your soda. Didn't your mother ever teach you anything?" Lasercorn called out before shaking his head with a laugh.
The big question was - what was even edible in the fridge? There was some leftover pizza. It couldn't have been too old and probably held up better than the leftover Mexican in the back. Just to be sure, Lasercorn gave them both a sniff test and confirmed the pizza would definitely be the safer option. He searched other containers, finding some Chinese he knew for a fact wasn't bad yet because he had ordered it the last time he was there - and apart from that there were a couple of salads Anthony or Mari had left behind, but yuck. Salad. Who wanted to eat anything that was actually healthy?
So armed with a main course of cold pepperoni pizza, he heated up some fried rice and lo mein in the microwave for side dishes and opted for potato chips as the vegetable - after all, potatoes grew in the ground, right? So they totally counted and this became a well-balanced meal! He tried to arrange all of these things in an aesthetically pleasing way and gave up on the culinary challenge after a few attempts, aiming instead to make sure everything fit on the plates without falling off. Lasercorn paused, rummaging around the cupboards before he found what he was looking for - a small pack of birthday cake candles. He looked around for something to stick them into and settled on a block of styrofoam straight from the garbage that came from the packaging of one of the new keyboards they ordered last week. Puncturing it with each tiny candle (don't try this at home, kids), he appeared satisfied before juggling the two plates and makeshift candelabra in his hands to carry into the meeting room - the only room with enough table space that wasn't filled with electronics.
Ian looked up and then branched off into a laugh, "What the hell is that? What is that?"
"Shut up and be romanced," Lasercorn smirked, plopping the unlit candles between them.
"You mean shut up and enjoy the third degree burns? Shut up and enjoy the arson? Shut up and enjoy watching our HQ burn to the ground?"
"You can't stop the flames of love," Lasercorn drew out a lighter and touched the flame to each small candle. "But I'll go get the fire extinguisher in case we have to."
"Oh man, I am so romanced right now," Ian watched as his plate was set down. "Everyone is gonna be so PB and jelly when I tell them about this."
"Who wouldn't be?"
Lasercorn left the room briefly, getting two things - a can of coke and the promised fire extinguisher because who knew how flammable styrofoam really was? Afterward, he settled down across from Ian and knew despite their teasing and mock flirting, this meant nothing. It never would. But that didn't mean he couldn't indulge himself and enjoy the moment, right? It was what Joven did. It was what probably a good chunk of humanity did. How many people were lucky enough to have a crush that was reciprocated? How many people kept those feelings to themselves? And goddamnit, how many times did he have to tell himself this wasn't a crush! It was just a strong cocktail of admiration and enjoying the Iancorn joke - a strong enough cocktail to get him drunk on the emotions and blur his feelings into a mess of confusion.
"If chinese and pizza came together in one badass conglomeration of awesome, do you think any other fast food chain would survive?" Ian dipped his pizza into the fried rice, scooping some up and taking his first bite. He chewed it thoughtfully for a second before shaking his head in distaste and answering his own question. "Yeah. They would." He washed it down with his soda.
"Isn't that a commercial? 'Life's better with the and'? Or something?" Lasercorn folded his pizza slice in half and bit off a mouthful. "I think you just proved it wrong, though."
"It was an experiment done in the name of science. Happens all the time. Why else would they have fries on burgers now? Apart from us all being fat asses."
"Pretty sure you hit the nail on the head there. That's why a burrito's no good unless it passes the forearm test."
"It can only get better. Pretty soon they'll come in two sizes. Forearm and then full sleeve. Wait, should I patent that idea before someone cashes in on it?"
Lasercorn regarded Ian in amusement, "Definitely. And maybe you can even supersize it to horse dick sized - holy shit, did that wax just melt a hole straight through the styrofoam?"
Ian looked at their centerpiece and then nonchalantly took another bite of his food. "Yep. We're gonna die." He seemed unfazed.
"Quick. Making a wish," Lasercorn closed his eyes tightly and then huffed and puffed and blew out the flames all at once - well all except the trick candles that relit. "Goddamnit! The force is too strong!"
"Wait, wait. I'll try," Ian drew back, closed his eyes for a moment and then reached over to grab someone's forgotten water bottle, upending the contents onto the candles. With a sharp hiss, the flames extinguished and the pair lived to see another day.
"Phew," Lasercorn breathed a mock sigh of relief. "I thought we were goners."
"Almost were if it wasn't for my quick thinking."
"So what'd you wish for?"
Ian gaped, "I can't tell you! It won't come true!"
"That's only true for anyone else except me. I'm Lasercorn - part unicorn, part bionic death machine, and everyone knows unicorns shit wishes and rainbows so you're safe."
"Well I guess when you put it like that," Ian grabbed one of his chips, munching on it thoughtfully. "I wished we wouldn't die tonight and I assume we thwarted the worst threat unless that means it's gonna come back to get us all Final Destination style. So thanks, Lasercorn. Your unicorn poop served us well. Now use the bionic death machine part to ward of any impending death attempts."
"I'll try, I'll try," Lasercorn was all fake modesty.
It didn't take them all that long to finish dinner, and it continued on the same way it started - meaningless conversation tossed back and forth, all laughs and light-hearted jokes. Like all good things, though, it had to come to an end. Lasercorn wanted to suggest they hang out longer - play a few rounds of GTA or go do something, anything. But Ian was already dismissing himself before he got the chance.
"I think I better get going," Ian rose to his feet with a stretch, letting out a belch before he collected his garbage and tossed it in the trash. "Thanks for the romantic dinner, Lasercorn. Best date I've had in a while."
Lasercorn sat there, watching him. Was he really leaving already? He wanted to say something to keep him there longer, but the only thing that came out of his mouth was, "Well nothing beats those Iancorn moments. Not even your punishment duet with Anthony tonight. Next time, I'm gonna have to lose on purpose."
"You'll have to keep out the raptor claws, then. I think as the games upgrade, the powers of the raptor claws grow and double your scores."
"Damn! We have all the powers working against us."
Ian laughed and it was a good sound - a sound that accompanied a smile that lit up his face. Lasercorn felt his disappointment grow. Did Ian really have to leave already? "Well. See ya, man." He waved and then headed out the door.
Lasercorn sat there alone for a moment, staring at his half-eaten pile of fried rice - its existence reflecting his thoughts on the situation: dry and unfinished. He pushed the plate aside, frowning to himself. His brown eyes flickered over the table, noticing the stash of unopened fortune cookies he, Sohinki, and Joven left there a couple nights ago. Lasercorn reached out, plucking one up at random before pulling it out of the plastic and breaking it in two. He popped one half in his mouth, reading the fortune.
Express yourself. Don't hold back!
He stared at the message for a moment before it seemed to motivate something deep inside of him. If all went well, Lasercorn would have to thank Buddha or at least the local delivery guy later. For now, he sprang into action without thought, rushing out the door and hoping to catch Ian before it was too late.
"Wait, Ian!"
Lasercorn rushed back into the main room in time to see Ian tossing on his sweat jacket and zipping it up. He looked up at the urgent call, raising his brows in question. Now that Lasercorn had Ian's attention, he realized the fortune cookie hadn't exactly guided him on how to express himself or what he should even say. It was just one of those moments where it was now or never. He walked forward, closing the distance between them. Maybe words weren't necessary at all.
Lasercorn drew in one last breath for courage before he hooked his hand around Ian's jacket, drawing him in. Ian stumbled against him, and Lasercorn took advantage by lifting his head to catch his lips in a clumsy kiss. He felt Ian tense beneath him and realized right then and there that his impulsiveness might have ruined everything, but he still hung on - still clung to the hope that this was the right thing to do. There was a moment, though brief, when Ian returned the kiss - a light but slightly confused pressing back against Lasercorn's mouth. It could have been an accident or maybe an instinctive response, but the hope that died at Ian's initial reaction became renewed by those couple of seconds.
Not wanting to linger there too long because it was probably already uncomfortable enough, Lasercorn pulled away, rubbing the back of his neck with an awkward laugh. "I, ah, the fortune cookie told me to."
Ian said nothing, stunned.
It only prompted Lasercorn to continue nervously, "And an Iancorn date wouldn't be complete without the kiss at the end, right? It's, um..." he looked down at his sneakers, mumbling. "It's what the fortune cookie said."
"Right..." Ian said slowly, uncertainly. He barely even made eyecontact as he backed for the door. "Well, I'll see ya."
He was gone before Lasercorn could respond, so he leaned against the doorway, muttering to himself, "Yeah. See ya." His eyes drifted toward the tiny slip of a message in his hands. "Stupid fortune cookie." His head lolled back against the wall and he banged it lightly a few times. "Stupid Lasercorn."
He didn't even know what he had been hoping for. For Ian to reciprocate his sudden, unexpected and unspoken declaration of feelings? For Ian to just be cool with things and continue to make out right there? To know how he hoped Ian would have reacted, Lasercorn needed to understand how he even felt and that seemed to be far beyond his comprehension.
In spite of the outcome, he didn't regret kissing Ian, but it did raise a whole new level of questions. What would come of things between them now? Would Iancorn be the new, uncomfortable topic only acknowledged for the fans' sake just like Ianthony? Would Ian be disgusted by him and try to avoid him except when for when they were forced to interact by power of the game? Would he become the topic Ian made fun of with Anthony behind his back because it was so pathetic the same way Lasercorn poked fun at Joven's crush on Mari with Sohinki? But damnit, he knew he didn't imagine Ian kissing him back, no matter how brief, so what did that mean?
He turned back toward the room, looking around to make sure everything was in place before he collected his jacket and tossed it on. One thing was certain...just like Joven and Mari, only time would tell. At least he knew Ian wouldn't be able to avoid him forever - not when they had a web show to film. Lasercorn offered a wan smile to himself. The only thing you regretted in life were the things you didn't do - a fortune cookie had told him that once too. So with that in mind, Lasercorn shut off the lights behind him and sealed the memories away in the room where they would stay locked until the next time he or Ian were ready to face them.