"Today! Is. The. Best. Day. Ever!" Lincoln cheered at the top of his lungs as he and Clyde rode their bikes back from the mall.
On that day a very special edition of their favorite super-hero comic had come out. Ace Savvy number sixty-six: The Dark Ace! What was so special about this particular copy was that it had to get a higher age rating for the dark story Bill Buck wanted to tell. For whatever reason it was rated thirteen and up not for someone Lincoln`s age. Lincoln had begged his parents to let him buy it as he was so curious to see what Buck had put in, they agreed but only if they could read it first. So Lincoln made sure to keep it in a special plastic baggy to not smudge it.
"Oh man what do you think the dark ace is?" Lincoln asked Clyde as they rode through the park. "I bet it's his long lost brother who was separated from Ace when they were babies…Ooh! Or maybe it's his evil counter-part from the mirror universe!"
"Maybe it's his son from the future who turned evil and went back in time to defeat Ace!" Clyde said excited to know the secret as well. "Hmm…well whatever the dark ace is, hopefully your parents don't spoil it for you."
"Yeah and hopefully my sisters don't do anything to ruin it." Lincoln said bitterly.
"They do something to get you down again?" Clyde asked Lincoln as they stopped a few blocks away from Lincoln`s house.
"Yeah this morning I think I said something I shouldn't have." Lincoln said as he told Clyde the events of the morning.
The day started off the same way it would on mornings that Rita and Lynn Sr. had to leave early for work would. Lily was walking around with no clothes on so Lincoln would have to chase her down and make sure to feed her a light breakfast so she wouldn't mess herself before they left. He had to change her clothes and her diaper three times that morning. Lisa thought trying to split the atom and failing was more important than going to school which annoyed Lincoln to no end. Stupid US laws and their arbitrary age limits. Lola and Lana were bickering over who got to do what first meaning Lincoln was forced to take extra time in between changing Lily and getting Lisa out of the lab to give them toothpaste and bars of soap. Then he had to sacrifice another five minutes to make sure the paste and soap was in an even amount of length, which was driving Lincoln mad with how these two could never get along when he needed or wanted them too. Oh and Lucy would randomly pop up and read Lincoln one of her poems when he didn't want to hear it. In fact she popped up behind Lincoln right when he had one of Lily`s full diapers already to trash, making him freak and toss it over his head.
"AH!" Lincoln shouted as he ran across the room when the diaper squished onto the floor where he once stood, causing Lily to giggle at his misfortune.
"Come on Lincoln you should really pay attention when disposing of those things." Lucy said in a monotone.
"I should…Lucy if you didn't pop up out of nowhere that wouldn't have happened!" Lincoln shouted at her in anger.
"Hmmm…so you`re right…oh well, this might make a good poem." Lucy said leaving as quickly as she had appeared.
"What the…Lucy get back here and clean this up!" Lincoln called after her.
"Poo-poo!" Lily said farting up a storm.
Lincoln face-palmed and changed into his hazmat suit and cleaned the floor along with Lily. If his younger siblings were a chore to take care of, you`d think that maybe the elders would have enough sense to take care of themselves yes? Wrong. Lynn had forgotten to give Lori her laundry so she had to quickly freshen up some of her month old clothing. Of course she picked the jersey that had the fewest stains but stank the worst. She drowned it in hot water and used Lincoln`s special shampoo on it mistaking it for detergent since it said for whites only. White hair not white clothes but, Lynn apparently felt like reading was for nerds. So not only was Lincoln going to have to go a week with no shampoo, but now he had to put up with Lynn`s pungent coconut and sweat smell.
"Dang it Lynn, why didn't you realize this wasn't freaking detergent?" Lincoln yelled at her.
"Maybe I did, maybe I didn't guess you`ll never know." Lynn said with a mean little chuckle before throwing a punch and pulling it making Lincoln flinch. "Ha-ha two for flinching."
After giving him two socks he grumbled some insults in her direction then grabbed his umbrella as a bucket of water came down on him.
"Dang it Luan you have time to set up these pranks but not get ready?" Lincoln said in a snarl.
"Oh go soak your head…or I'll do it for you! Ha-Ha! Get it?" Luan said then ducked back into her room as Lincoln glared at her.
Leni walked out of the room she shared with Lori then tripped and fell onto Lincoln.
"Leni, what the heck?" Lincoln asked in a growl.
"Sorry Lincy it's very hard to see where you`re going with your eyes closed." Leni said simply, then got up and walked into the wall.
Lincoln face-palmed at such a dumb comment as Lori as usual was blathering away into her phone to Bobby, even though he lived in another city the two still had long conversations. Though this one seemed a bit heated as Lori looked very annoyed. Regardless of the situation Lincoln went downstairs to make breakfast for everyone which should have been simple but someone (Lynn) had taken all the eggs and blended them into a salmonella protein shake. Lincoln glared at Lynn who just shrugged and chugged her shake. So Lincoln opted for oatmeal, which raised its own problems. Lincoln made ten bowls instead of eleven which made Lynn mad even though he pointed out she already had all their breakfasts in the blender, but the jockette wouldn't listen so Lincoln was forced to make another bowl for her then she complained about the flavor. Speaking of which all the girls complained about the flavors, Luan wanted banana and Luna wanted cinnamon while Lori just wanted plain and Leni wanted some weird concoction of pomegranate, raspberry and kale which aggravated Lincoln since they only had apple, cinnamon, banana and orange.
Then there was Lucy complaining about the oatmeal not being black enough, Lisa constantly trying to slip stuff into her sibling's bowls and of course the twins were complaining about how one had more in their bowl than the other even though they both had the same. Then Lily started crying when her oatmeal didn't come with little dinosaurs in it. Aggravated Lincoln decided to just feed her formula and burp her before giving her to Luna.
"Alright look we`re all fed let's just go come on guys!" Lincoln said rushing everyone to the door.
"Ugh just a second Lincoln." Lori said before going back to her phone, "What do you mean next time Bobby? This is the third time this month you`ve literally blown off a date with me! No I don't care if the rent at your apartment is literally more expensive than you thought, I miss you, you dumb lug!"
"Come on Lori just handle this later we need to go to school now!" Lincoln whined pointing at the door.
"Listen twerp this is more important than literally anything you`re worried about!" Lori snapped putting a hand over her phone. "You know what Bobby fine! If you don't want to go out on a date! Then I don't want to go to school!"
Lincoln couldn't believe she was doing this again, Lori was the only one of them who could drive yet she was so flimsy about it. She didn't want to give up being the only teen able to drive yet she didn't want to drive when she wasn't in the mood.
"Lori mom and dad aren't here you have to drive us!" Lincoln said blocking the stairs.
"Walk to school!" Lori yelled trying to walk over Lincoln.
Lincoln did his best to block her but being taller and stronger Lori was able to get pat him when she was halfway up the steps Lily decided it was a good idea to crap herself again.
"Oops looks like someone will have to change her." Luna said holding her away. "Nose not it!"
Everyone excluding Lori and Lincoln did it, Lori from a lack of caring and Lincoln due to his face turning bright crimson and shaking with anger and rage.
"God damn it Lily couldn't you keep yourself from making a mess for five damn minuets!" Lincoln yelled at the top of his lungs.
Everyone gasped even Lori who came back downstairs to scold Lincoln. Lily`s eyes filled with tears then started crying very loud which caused his sisters to give him angry looks.
"Way to go Lincoln you made Lily cry." Lori said crossing her arms.
"Shut up Lori! I can see why Bobby would rather work for ten hours then hang out with you!" Lincoln snapped at her causing her eyes to widen and tear up a bit. "Speaking of which, I fed Lily formula how did she poop herself so fast?"
"Well I slipped her some of my shake." Lynn said casually playing with her hacky-sack.
"YOU DID WHAT?" Lincoln screamed at Lynn causing her to drop her sack and Lily to cry even louder, partly due to Lincoln being so mean and no one changing her. "Lynn you dumb freckled freak why did you do that?"
"Freak?!" Lynn screeched back at him, "You miserable twerp I ought to pound you for that! Besides I gave Lily something she wanted for breakfast while you were still trying to figure out your left from your right, it's called being responsible Lincoln, you should try it sometime."
"Responsible? RESPONSIBLE! YOU?" Lincoln yelled at the top of his lungs, something inside of him had finally snapped. Maybe it was Lynn being a wise-ass, maybe it having to change Lily for the third time that morning, maybe it was Lori's lack of self-awareness when it came to putting her needs over the others, or perhaps he was just tired of day in and day out having to deal with these ten and their ridiculous antics, either way he snapped, unreasonably and angrily. "You`ve never been responsible for a pile of rocks you idiot! Oh and remember when you said I`ll never know if you knew that my shampoo wasn't detergent? Well bitch, did you know I was gonna do this?"
He socked Lynn right in the nose, it was a short burst of strength he`d probably never had gotten it off had he not been angry and had Lynn not been distracted by Lincoln`s question. Yet what could`ve happened and what did was two different things, and what did happen was Lincoln ended up breaking Lynn`s nose. Luna quickly went to change Lily who had a monsoon of tears coming out of her eyes at this point and Luan and Leni had caught their sister who was bleeding profusely from her nose.
"Whats wrong with you?" Lori asked trying to push him only for Lincoln to dodge her arms and head to the front door.
"You know what you guys can stay here if you want I`m biking to school!" Lincoln said grabbing his backpack and heading out the front door. "Man…sometimes I wish they`d just disappear!"
With that Lincoln hopped onto his bike and biked all the way to school, confused emotions washing over him and yet he somehow was able to forget this and ride off with Clyde to get his comic books.
"So there you have it…and that's why I`m holding off going home." Lincoln said giving Clyde another bag to inhale in.
Over the course of the story Clyde gasped, passed out and went into a state of shock at least a total of ten times, luckily Lincoln brought the paper bags and a picture of Lori to calm him down some.
"That's terrible Lincoln! Why would you say and do such horrible things?" Clyde exclaimed frantically, "What if you get home and something terrible happens?"
"Clyde…they`ll be angry at me for like a week maybe a month, Lynn will break my nose back or something and I`ll have to give up the comic probably." Lincoln said though he himself wasn't so sure, "Don't worry I've been here before. Not to this degree mind you but I can predict whats gonna happen. So don't worry."
"I am gonna worry Lincoln you sounded really mean in that story." Clyde scolded, "I think you`re gonna have to do something really big to make it up to your siblings. In the meantime, why don't I hold onto your copy of the dark ace, so your parents don't make you return it, I promise no spoilers."
Lincoln sighed then nodded and handed Clyde his copy of the comic.
"You`re right Clyde…well if Lori doesn't kill me I`ll see you tomorrow." Lincoln said cycling off.
"You know whats really weird though Lincoln." Clyde said making Lincoln stop, "We didn't see Lucy, Lola, Lana or Lisa all day even though they go to the same school as us. Isn't that weird?"
"Naw…they were just avoiding me…that's all." Lincoln said with a half-hearted chuckle as he resumed riding off, Clyde riding in the direction of his own home.
Still Clyde`s words rang in his ears as Lincoln rode home. He could imagine the disappointed look on his parent's face and the anger and shame they must feel especially when he didn't stay to help Lynn. He could imagine his room in ruins after Lynn got through with it, luckily he always made sure to hide bun-bun in a special place. Lincoln mentally kicked himself for being selfish again instead of thinking about his sibling's health. In addition to violence he had cussed at Lynn and was cussing up a storm in front of Lily and made her cry really bad who knows how long he`d be grounded for that. Definitely no video-games or comics for at least three months. His sisters held a grudge for a long time too, so no watching Dessert Storm with them for more than likely the rest of the year unless he really humiliated himself. All these thoughts knotted up his stomach but not his head, as he realized upon the short but long bike ride that his neighborhood was eerily quiet. It was six in the evening so people were likely getting ready for dinner but still, usually Luna was thrashing her axe at this time yet no sounds of an electric guitar could be heard. Even the usual sounds of birds and crickets was unheard. As Lincoln pulled up to the house he saw Vanzilla wasn't there.
"Huh…well…maybe mom and dad went out for groceries." Lincoln pondered, "That's it…that's it right? Right."
When Lincoln opened up the door and entered the house he noticed it was empty, and not just because no one was there it was literally empty of everything. No couch, no TV, no rugs, no nothing! Lincoln ran upstairs and checked all the rooms and panicked as they were empty too, even his own room, except for bun-bun. Lincoln grabbed his chest as panic shot throughout his entire body. Had his sisters been so mad they made their parents leave and abandon him? No…that wouldn't make any sense, if they had done that bun-bun would be in pieces. There was also no sign of Charles, Cliff, Geo or Walt, even the goldfish were gone. Even their usual spaces like the bird cage, the litter box and the fish tank had disappeared. Lincoln hear some rustling downstairs and went to check on it. When he made his way down he saw the curtains closed and the entire room was dark and getting darker.
"I-Is someone here?" Lincoln asked as the house became too dark to see, almost blinding him in how dark it was.
A blindingly bright light flashed in Lincoln`s face causing him to squeal in fear and cover his eyes, the light adjusted for Lincoln and he paled in fear when he realized he was surrounded by men in black trench-coats and military gear wearing skull masks completely covering their faces. The sounds of clapping and laughter pierced through the air as a man dressed in what looked like a Nazi commander uniform stepped in front of his soldiers. Instead of a swastika there was an eagle holding a lightning bolt on his chest and hat.
"Congratulations Lincoln Loud!" The man said giving him a bow, "You and your family have been chosen to join the glorious Cychodyne! Everyone give the chosen one a round of applause!"
The entire regalia erupted in thunderous applause everyone giving their approval of the commander's message. Lincoln meanwhile was paralyzed with fear, he didn't know what they meant by chosen but he did know three things: These people definitely had his family. If they could remove his family in the time it took for school to conclude and for him to get to the mall then they definitely had some kind of grip on the town. Finally…he had to get the hell out of there. Lincoln scrambled to where he thought the door was only to be stopped dead in his tracks by something horrifying. The brief glints of light showed some green tentacles wrapped around his wrists and ankles pulling him back towards the soldiers.
"No, no Lincoln." The commander said, "Cychodyne will not tolerate deserters!"
The tentacles were coming from the commander, this was clearly no ordinary man. Lincoln found himself being reeled into the commander's coat itself.
"Let me go!" Lincoln pleaded trying desperately to escape the commander's clutches.
"Oh but I think you`ll be so much happier with us." He said, unleashing some electricity from his tentacles zapping him until he fell unconscious. "Sayonara Lincoln Loud…hello Ace Hopper."
Several hours later, not knowing if it was either night or early morning, Lincoln awoke, groggy and feeling like he had just lost a wrestling match with an electric fence. To his horror he had been stripped of his clothes and his waist, wrists and ankles were binded with metal clamps. As he looked around the room, he made out the interior, it was circular and red with a huge, slow rotating fan on the ceiling. He blinked hard trying to adjust to the light and could faintly hear murmurings around him.
"W-Who`s out there! I want to know who`s out here!" Lincoln demanded, though his voice sounded broken, he was not only dealing with literal shock but the chock of losing his family and being "chosen" by this ridiculous society for whatever hateful plans they had in mind.
The sound of heavy leather jack-boots pounded against the steel floor as the commander from earlier and another man stepped in front of him. This new man was an elderly Eurasian man dressed in a doctor`s lab-coat with a long black cape, making him look like a very stylish Dracula.
"So sorry for the rather harsh greeting from earlier." The commander said taking off his hat, revealing slick black tentacles for hair. "My name is Colonel Kragen, or Cycho-Octo if you prefer, and this gentleman is the great doctor Zeta. He did this to me." He pointed to his hair then took off his left glove revealing a slick black and pink tentacle finger hand. "And he will do wonders to you."
"Yes little Loud, we have chosen you and your family for our program." Zeta said stroking his white hair, "You will become our Ace assassin."
"B-But why…my family is only special to ourselves." Lincoln said trying to get his head out of reach. "Most of us are kids, we wouldn't even be of use to any of you!"
"Ah but we took that into account." Dr. Zeta said picking up a syringe and filling it with something. "You see Mr. Loud we have the medical records of everyone in royal woods, we have determined that you and your older sisters will be able to endure our in-humanoid program. And your younger siblings sans the one with the glasses have been sent to our training facilities to undergo proper training. And of course your rather fertile parents will make excellent agents for special programs."
Lincoln struggled against his bonds yelling and cussing incoherently at the doctor. He couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth. These people were crazy and trying to turn him into some kind of super soldier. Which would be cool if he weren't going to be used for evil. He screamed even louder when he felt the doctor inject the syringe into the back of his head without trying to numb him.
"W-What was that?" Lincoln demanded.
"That is a taste of the future my boy, and it will be glorious." Zeta said, "Colonel the switch if you please."
"But of course master doctor." Colonel Kragen said pulling the switch on the slab Lincoln was laying on.
A series of mechanical noises lowered Lincoln down a tunnel slowly making Lincoln squirm in fear and shout in anger. "STOP IT!" He yelled at the top of his lungs trying to escape. Several fans lined the bottom of the tunnel which had a conveyer belt making the slab slowly mover forward. Above, holograms of Zeta and Kragen peered down upon Lincoln.
"Hmm shall we start with super strength or super intelligence?" Zeta asked.
"Let's do both!" Kragen suggested with great enthusiasm.
Several tubes full of liquid with needles at the end came down and began pumping Lincoln`s arms, legs, chests, stomach and head full of the serum. Lincoln screamed and cried in pain as the solution began to warp his body, turning his mind to much and making his senses blurry. All the while the worst pain he`d ever felt rocked his entire being, making him even sorrier for the events from earlier. Perhaps this was some kind of punishment for being so mean to his siblings earlier.
"You did remember to sedate and numb him yes?" Zeta asked the Colonel.
"Of course and I decided not to." Kragen said.
The two maniacs threw their heads back and laughed evilly as Lincoln was lead up the slab. The next tool to come down was a helix shaped drill with a rabbit symbol just above was making its way towards Lincoln`s face. Lincoln retched and tried to reel his head away as the helix drill spun its way towards him. Instead of plunging into his flesh the machine zapped some purple energy into Lincoln`s eyes, shocking his whole body and re-writing his DNA to the core. It also stretched out his limbs and increased the muscle-mass of his body.
"Ah very good so far he is living, but for how long I wonder?" Zeta asked as Lincoln was brought to the end of the conveyer belt.
Next to Lincoln a mechanical skeleton with a rabbit faced human skull. Many mechanical arms popped up underneath Lincoln with scalpels and other surgery tools picking up the pieces of the skeleton and began marking the incision points on Lincoln`s body.
"NO! STOP!" Lincoln yelled at the top of his lungs, tears of fear streaked down his face.
"Engage knockout and prep the brainwash serum." Zeta told Kragen.
Kragen saluted and pulled a switch above himself and pumped anesthesia into Lincoln putting the boy to sleep. The last thing Lincoln heard was the sounds of his skin being cut open as his bones were replaced with mechanical ones and the electrical currents in his brain going out.
"He is perfect this I assure you great leader." Zeta said as he stood before a hologram, of a man in dark red robes with a pointed crimson hood and mask obscuring his face. "He is our Ace in the hole, with him we are two steps closer to taking over this Royal woods."
"Show him to me." Great Leader said with an unemotional monotone.
The doctor bowed and stepped back as the sounds of boot-steps echoed throughout the halls. Entering the room was Lincoln but instead of his usual orange shirt and jeans he was dressed in an orange leather jacket with blue leather pants, around his waist was a silver, oval shaped belt with different colored buttons resembling the card suits, spade, clover, heart and diamond. In the center of the belt was a tiny red windmill.
"He doesn't look like much." Great Leader said, the monotone not hiding his disappointment.
Dr. Zeta nodded to Lincoln and he pressed the spade button on his belt.
"Transform." Lincoln said in a monotone voice.
~ Ace of Spades: Kick of Life! ~
Instantly the windmill turned and from the belt leapt orange spandex covering his whole body, save for his head, hands and feet. White glove and boots covered the exposed bits as did plastic white abs cover his abdomen and chest. In his hands appeared a white rabbit helmet with the spade symbol for eyes. He slammed the helmet onto his head and the lights in the eyes glowed red.
"Behold! In-Humanoid Hopper! The first in our RIDER initiative." Dr. Zeta said in prideful glory.
"Have him terminate the mayor…after he procures us with more funds, but do it discreetly." Great Leader ordered before his hologram cut out.
"Hopper…start your mission!" Zeta ordered as Lincoln left flanked by a dozen footsoldiers.