Your Pillow Still Smells Like You
She froze at the door; her fingers wrapped around the cold mental that made up the handle.
She couldn't do it. Could Sophie really push it open and enter the room she had only been sharing last week with The One?
Already she could feel the corners of her eyes welling up with tears.
She couldn't do it but she had to.
Since Maddie's death, Sophie had been staying back at No.4 with her Mum and Tim because she couldn't face being in No.13 with her Dad and Jack and without her. There would be an empty seat at the dinner table, a missing set of keys on the hanger, and a cold side of their bed.
There were too many memories but she had to do it, she was out of clean clothes at Sally's and had no other choice. She knew she could go into the Trafford Centre and buy herself a new wardrobe—it would make her feel a little better—but she remembered about how much Maddie hated shopping and couldn't bring herself to do it.
Every little thing was beginning to remind Sophie of her. Walking down the stairs felt lonely because she had gotten use to Maddie following behind; putting the kettle on for one cup of tea, instead of tea and then a third if Kevin was there; singing along to morning radio while they got ready for the day then going off in opposite directions to work after a kiss.
She didn't like it at all but she was going to have to get used to it because Maddie wasn't coming back. It made Sophie's heart ache to even think if the blonde hadn't agreed to go tell Jenny about the fire, she might still be here. She blamed Carla. The woman was known to enjoy a drink or two, it wouldn't surprise her if Carla was drunk and had forgotten to blow out the candle. But since learning Leanne and Kal had ran into the fire to save Amy, made her question as to who really was to blame for it. She wanted answers—she needed answers.
What did the voicemail Maddie had left about Jenny on her phone mean? Did Maddie know something no one else did? Sophie had been specious about her since Kevin brought her home. There was something not right. She was over protective of Jack, and he isn't even hers! Sophie couldn't make sense of it all, but maybe Maddie had the answer. She had to know what had happened that night, for Maddie's justice.
Having thought over it, her hand beginning to cramp around the door handle, Sophie took the leap, and with a deep breathe in and her eyes closed, she entered their room.
Sophie hoped by the end of her life, Maddie could count the good times on boyh hands because she defiantly could. The bedroom they had decorated together, held so many memories—good and bad.
The room didn't look any different from the way she had left it that morning of Steve and Michelle's wedding. Her first thought was it could do with being tided, the place was a mess but she didn't want to dwell on it, Maddie couldn't stand how Sophie always wanted to spring clean after one article of clothing was on the floor. Maddie much preferred to wait until the end of the week and do it all in one day and see the difference it made.
Sophie had brought a bag with her to pack her clean clothes in; she put it on top of her set of drawers and picked up what she needed for at least another week. Once she had finished, she put the bag on their bed.
It didn't feel right being in there, knowing Maddie was never coming back. She wanted to curl under the covers and wake up, hoping it was all a dream.
In the short time they were together, so much had happened. They had fought to be together and even after it wasn't easy. Sophie was determined to prove to her parents Maddie wasn't a bad person and now she felt a sense of pride knowing she had. She was patient with Maddie, she took on board the blonde's history and slowly but surely, Maddie eventually opened with and with that, they were able to grow together and fall in love. Sophie knew that even if one day she moved on to someone new in the future, she would never forget the impact Madeline Ivy Heath left on her.
Just seeing their bedroom, memories of the nights they spent talking until early hours about all and nothing, falling into each other's arms after a good day and never wanting their bodies to become tired because they wanted to stay in the moment forever, and the cold, dark days when they would simply hold each other when one of them was upset or it was winter, and cold, and being close, warming from each other's body heat was better than any water bottle or hot chocolate.
There were also nights where they laughed so hard they cried. One memory in particular came to mind when she caught sight of a chip in the wall.
Sophie gasped, pulling the cover over her mouth. She could have sworn she heard something in their room. She poked an arm out of the duvet to retrieve her phone to check the time. It was nearly three in the morning. The light made her squint her eyes before quickly locking it again because if it was a bug or insect flying about it would be attracted to the light. She could see its shadow on the window, looking for a way to get out. If there was anything Sophie hated about summer it was the pesky buggers who came out of hiding and invaded people's houses without permission just to get squished or thrown out again because they were unwanted.
"Mads," Sophie nudged her girlfriend's shoulder gently. Maddie groaned and rolled onto her side, hugging the duvet closer to her body. "Mads, I think there's something in our room."
"It's probably just your imagination. Go back to sleep, Soph," Maddie mumbled.
"Can't you hear it?" Sophie whispered. A faint sound of buzzing could be heard. She had been listening to it for a while now. She woke after feeling something close to her face. After she read an article about the myth that, on average, eight spiders crawl into our mouths at night, Sophie had become a light sleeper when she had the smallest indication she wasn't alone in her four walls.
"Yes," Maddie said, rolling back over and wrapping an arm around the brunette's waist, she pulled her body into hers. "It's probably just a fly. It won't hurt you."
"What if it's a bee?" Sophie couldn't ease into Maddie's arms, like she normally did. She wanted the pest out.
"It won't hurt you," Maddie kissed the back of her ear in hope to relax her.
"It could sting me!" Sophie shouted lowly.
"Only if you intimidate it," Maddie shook her head. "Bees only attack if they feel threatened."
"What if I feel threatened?" Sophie asked, cocking her head back to look at Maddie. The blonde's eyes were closed, desperate to go back to sleep. She had a busy day at Underworld, dealing with deliveries and Kirk, in the morning. She needed her sleep.
"You're a thousand times the size of it!"
"Please, Maddie, will you get rid of it?" Sophie pleaded, kissing the top of Maddie's forehead. "Please?"
Even in the dark, Maddie could tell Sophie was pouting her bottom lip and giving her the puppy dog eyes. She groaned again. If she didn't, she knew Sophie wasn't going to let it rest and she wouldn't hear the last of it. She threw the covers away from her body and stood up.
"Do we have a cup or something I can catch it in?" Maddie asked, searching for a piece of paper or cardboard or placemat.
"I think there's one on my make-up table," Sophie said and grabbed her phone again and turned the touch on so they had a source of light.
"Right...," Maddie whispered. She walked slowly over to the desk. On her way, she picked off one of the printed photographs from their bulletin board before collecting the glass. "Where is it?"
Sophie shined the light towards the window and immediately regretted her decision. It sent the insect into frenzy. The bee buzzed around the room, looking for an escape. Sophie yelped as it flew in her direction, ducking under the covers, taking her touch with her.
"Sophie!" Maddie hissed.
"It is a bee!" Sophie squealed.
"And I can't catch it if you don't turn the light back on!" Maddie ran franticly around their room. Bugs, insects, or any kind of creepy crawly didn't bother her, she lived on the streets in her life, and she had dealt with worse than a money spider.
"Sorry," Sophie gulped. She came back up and followed Maddie with her phone from the bed.
The bee stopped on the wall their bed laid against. Maddie approached it carefully, glass and photo in place, ready. She tip-toed around it and managed to get the picture under its legs, she smiled at the first success, and what was in the photograph she had picked, and Sophie watched, nervously from afar.
"Get it, Maddie!"
The concentration in Maddie's mind was distracted by her girlfriend's voice and the glass that she was using to capture the bee was jogged and she ended up hitting the wall and the bee made its escape to another side of the bedroom.
"Sophie!" Maddie hissed. She placed the items in her hands to the floor and leaned into the wall to examine the wall. The glass had managed to chip the paint, leaving them with a nice white dent in their surface.
Sophie leaned over to Maddie's side of the bed to take a look at the mess. It wasn't that bad, a little bit of paint and no one would even notice. No one but Maddie and she stayed in their enclosure. It wasn't a big deal.
"Oops," her mouth curled. "No biggie, we can paint over it. Where's that bee now?"
Maddie rolled her eyes. It was gone three in the morning, was this really happening?
It really did happen and the bee was caught and released back in the wild. The wall was a big deal after all, that little mark bothered Sophie every night before she went to sleep even though she said it wouldn't. But now, she wouldn't let it bother her, it was a reminder of Maddie.
Maddie had learned Sophie liked for everything to have its place and stay there. She wasn't a big fan of change and she could be quite the perfectionist. Whereas Maddie was quite the opposite, nothing in her life stayed the same. There was always something different at least every month and because of it, she never strived for perfection, she found perfection in her own way, in the little things.
Sophie could remember the picture Maddie had picked to catch the insect that night. It was one of the many silly pictures she had taken with Ben when they went down to Devon to visit him and Maddie ended up staying down there longer than originally planned.
Sophie smiled at the memory then got up to go look at the bulletin board. There at eye level was the picture of Maddie and Ben. They looked so happy, a natural bond.
The board was filled with memories. It had tickets from the places they had visited together, train and event. There were drawings Jack had done of the two or three of them together and, of course, the odd selfie. Mainly the ones that in twenty years time would make you wonder why you ever thought it was cool in the first place to hold a phone up at arm's distance and stick your tongue out because it was funny at the time. As well as a picture of them kissing; one of them both with a cupcake the size of their heads in their mouths and others of them as just a normal, happy couple.
It hurt Sophie to remember how hard it was for Maddie to let Ben go. She could recall the day she was told by the social worker Ben had found a set of foster parents at the other end of the country. She had complained about a ten mile distance, she didn't know how she was going to cope with a nearly three-hundred mile journey.
Eventually they found a way around it and Maddie went to visit when she could, and when she couldn't, she was on Skype to him at least once a week.
Sophie could still remember the night Maddie had returned from Devon for the first time.
She had agreed to stay in Devon because she was having such a good time with her little brother. Tyrone at the garage was fine with her doing so, so she ended up spending a month catching up with him. Dev, on the other hand, wasn't so Sophie had to return for work after the ten days they had originally planned, leaving them alone to bond. Before she left, Sophie had admired the hours watching Maddie playing with Ben. She admired that, despite their rough upbringing, they were solid like glue, they were each other's support system and there wasn't a moment that looked like they weren't having fun.
With it all in mind, it came as a surprise to Sophie when she saw Maddie back on Coronation Street with an attitude. She had imagined the day the blonde came home: Maddie would run up to her, throwing her arms around her girlfriend and telling her she missed her before going inside their house and Maddie talking non-stop about what she got up to in Devon with Ben.
But that wasn't the case. Maddie was upset. She didn't want to talk, she wanted to unpack. Sophie gave her space, and when she heard her coming back downstairs, she expected Maddie to be feeling better and ready to tell her all the stories. Still, it didn't happen. Maddie walked out and Sophie didn't think to follow her. She knew it was sometimes easier to leave her to herself for a while before she was ready to talk. Sophie could hear the jingle of Maddie's keys in her hand as she left the house so Sophie knew she was planning on coming back.
And she did, after they ate a kebab on Maxine's Bench. Maddie apologised for her actions and they went back home to discuss what was going on.
They agreed to talk upstairs in their room. Sophie had suggested it, she knew there were too many distractions. Maddie would probably turn on the telly or go and make herself a cup of tea then clean the entire kitchen to avoid conversation, she had done it before.
Casually, Maddie followed behind. She waited for Sophie to be sat, cross-legged, on the bed before joining her, sitting the same way, facing her, but with her hands twitching her lap and her eyes fixed on them.
"So, do you want to talk about it?" Sophie asked before placing a hand over the top of Maddie's shaking ones in hope to calm her.
Maddie nodded.
"He loves it down there," she started. "He loves Helen and Mike, and they love him. They're giving him everything he's ever wanted. More than I did—and I'm his big sister."
Sophie grabbed her hand. "Money can't buy love. Sure, he's probably getting all the latest toys but you've given him memories and security—as Helen and Mike are going to as well."
"I think I could have been better."
"Don't be daft!" Sophie said louder than expected, it shook Maddie. "You were born into a situation that isn't the 'norm'. Your Mum wasn't in the right state to raise either of you and because of that, you suffered. But you stuck together."
Sophie rubbed the pad of her thumb over Maddie's knuckles, easing her mind and giving her a small amount of comfort.
"When I first met you, I thought you were some sort of tearaway. When you told me you needed that money, I thought it was for drugs when it was really for your Mum... Then I thought you came from a family below the poverty line. It never crossed my mind your Mum struggled with an addiction and the money was to keep those boys off your back—from hurting you," Sophie sucked in a breath.
"You're the bravest person I know. And Ben knows that, too," she continued. "You were protecting him. You put yourself in dangerous situations because you wanted him safe."
"But I never gave him what he deserved! He deserves better than me, I suffered the abuse of our Mum so he didn't have to live with the memory of his own blood hurt him. I took the beatings when I went to see her and she was off her head on drugs," Maddie said sternly. Her eyes darting from left to right, thinking about those times. "Every time she asked where Ben was, I told her he was with the social and she would hit me because she wanted him with her and I was nothing but trash for thinking care was better for him than her."
"Why didn't you stay in care with him?"
"I got in too much trouble. I took my anger out on the furniture and my roommates. I made sure the social workers never told Ben about my behaviour because I didn't want him to think I was bad, so I got kicked out and put in a halfway house but it was worst—I was the outcast. I was quiet and stayed in my room all day."
"What about those boys that I met?"
"This girl came in and she was very confident—open about taking drugs and drank regularly, she picked on anyone she could get her hands on. One day I stood up to her and they like that and told me I was now one of them and that they were going to protect me but after a while, it came at a price. I had to do things for them to get that protection. You can probably guess what it was most of the time." Maddie gulped, pulling her hands away from Sophie's and wiping them on her jeans before wiping the tear from her eye.
Sophie hated the thought of those thugs taking advantage of her when she was young—only just the legal age. She didn't want to even imagine half of the horrible things they made her do for safety when she wasn't safe with them in the first place.
"The money was a better way of getting protection," Maddie whispered. "It was less painful."
"Maddie," Sophie reached for her hand again but Maddie flinched and she didn't try again. "Have you told the social about any of that?"
"No," Maddie huffed, shaking her head. "They wouldn't care. I was old enough to look after myself, there was no advice they could give me. That's why it was easier living on the streets—I was in control."
Sophie could remember the blonde telling her those exact words when they ran away from Sally's. She was starting to understand why it was safer for Maddie to be sleeping under shop windows but no one should be out late at night, it was dangerous. Though, Sophie understood it was what had Maddie pushing her away when they first met, she wished she could have got through to her earlier and Maddie wouldn't have keep running away when something went wrong and maybe, just maybe, she could have been holding her in arms at night sooner, and out of harm's way.
"I just wish I was there more for Ben," Maddie said.
"You did your best," Sophie smiled. "You have some great memories together and will do until you're old and wrinkly and I have to turn the lights out to bear the sight of ya."
Maddie chuckled and nudged Sophie's shoulder. Sophie was amazed her girlfriend wasn't crying, she could feel the tears at the corner of her eyes but refused to let them fall because she didn't want to make her uncomfortable.
"Do you remember how disgusted you were when I told you me and Ben ate raw cake mix on our birthdays?" Maddie asked, desperate to change the subject. Sophie nodded. "Did I ever tell you what we used to play?"
Sophie shook her head. Maddie smiled for the first time that night. She eased her body and sat up excitedly, moving slightly closer to Sophie if it was even possible and bit her lip before starting her story.
"We used to pretend the cake mix was like a magic potion. We would sit on the grass in a park and put a mixing bowl between us and I would add the ingredients while Ben mixed them with a stick," Maddie recalled. They always made sure to make it just before it was the exact time they were born. Maddie found their birth certificates one day. When she learned Ben wasn't born until 11:43PM, Maddie still made sure they were sat in a park, she would protect them both if anything happened. "Then we would make a wish on an imaginary candle."
"What did you wish for?"
"Mostly that someone would come save us."
Sophie gasped in shock quietly. The Maddie she met on Christmas Day refused any help; she had told her she didn't need it. She was strong and independent, had her own ways of doing things, she didn't need someone telling her what to do or how to live. Yet now hearing Maddie say that she wished someone would save her made Sophie wonder how much of that wall she had built around herself was made out of brick and how much Maddie had built herself because she was scared of love.
"...It'll do magic believe it or not..." Maddie started mumbling to herself.
"Mads, what are you…?" Sophie wondered, slightly considered. She sniffed and wiped away another tear that was about to fall. The blonde looked in deep thought.
"Shh! I'm trying to remember the spell we used to sing," Maddie pursed her lips. "Put 'em together and what have you got…"
"Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo…"
Maddie was shocked to hear Sophie finish off their magic spell. "How do you know that?"
"I think it's from Cinderella…," Sophie giggled cutely. Leaning forward, she put her hand back on Maddie's knee and this time her girlfriend let her.
"Really?" Maddie whined. She slouched and rested her chin on her hand with a huff. "I thought we were original with it!"
Sophie laughed with joy. The picture of a young Maddie and even younger Ben sitting in a field, bonding over something that could give them food poisoning while singing a Disney classic brought a tear to her eye. She could see Ben enjoying every minute of it, thinking it was all real and Maddie's infectious smile as she let out an evil laugh after adding each ingredient.
Maddie was embarrassed. She knew all those years she recognised the tune of the song from somewhere but could never figure it out. Now it was all coming back to her—foster carer number two, Suzie, she had two daughters of her own who were a few years older than Maddie and the four of them would watch a Disney film every night before bed. It made sense now. Wait for when she spoke to Ben next, she was going to tell him and then they were going to have a Disney movie marathon.
Sophie pecked Maddie on the cheek before giving her a light hug. She was always grateful when Maddie was able to be open with her.
Maddie's shifted between Sophie's eyes and her lips. She was still in awe that this incredible girl was hers. She didn't know what she did to deserve it.
"Did your wish ever come true?" Sophie asked.
"Yeah, I guess you could say it did."
Sophie still found it hard to believe she let him go after that trip, she allowed him to live his life. She knew if it was Jack, she would be devastated. She had seen firsthand the love Maddie had for her little brother, and to give him away broke her heart but she reminded Maddie telling her it was for the better. He was getting the childhood she never had, he was being looked after two amazing people who wanted him, and not because they had to because they were the biological parent or it was their job. Helen and Mike were going to raise him as their own and best him the best chances in life, more than Maddie could have ever imagined.
Bravery was one of the many traits Maddie had that Sophie admired. She had been massively brave spending cold nights on the streets at such a young age, she was brave to defend herself against the thugs she shared the halfway house with and she was brave to let go of the most important part of her life go for a better, brighter future. Bravery so strong talking about her past was like a natural thing, an emotionless situation because she had taught herself to be tough.
It made her eyes water. She wiped them with the sleeve of her jumper before sniffling and moving back over to their comforter.
On the end of their bed was a fresh pair of folded pyjamas for each of them to wear that final night. Sophie threw Maddie's up the bed, towards her pillow, the feel of the fabrics made her mind flashback to how it felt under her fingertips. Sitting on their bed reminded her of their last night together.
"What about Gladstone Terrance?" Sophie suggested.
"Where's that?"
"Around the back of Rosamund Street. It's there or just off Victoria Street."
"Can't we look at one of the flats around Roy's?" Maddie asked.
"No, Mads! If we're getting our own place we should look away from the local area," Sophie scrolled down the page of the real estate website she was on. "We need to stay in Weatherfield, obviously, but do you really want to be somewhere where you can see my Mum from the window?"
Maddie shook her head. "No."
"Exactly."
Maddie chuckled then rested her head on Sophie's shoulder. When they had looked through all the places on offer in the newspaper, they went back to No.13 to look on the internet to look at some more. They put their one champagne flute on the bedside table and changed into their pyjamas before getting under the covers and searching various websites for their first apartment together. The flats in the paper were well out of their price range and online always seemed to have the better deals. Sophie was adamant on moving away from Coronation Street. She knew they still needed to be close to Kevin, Jack and Sally and work for obvious reasons, but at the same time, she liked the idea of moving out of the way and being more independent. She could remember someone once telling her if she was ever interested in going to university, she should "look at courses as far away from Manchester as she could, the closer to home you are the more you want to return and you'll never learn to become independent". It stuck with her, and she wanted to know if it was true or not.
"Think about it, Mads," Sophie said. She lifted the laptop off of her knees and placed on the end of the bed, then turned to her girlfriend. Maddie removed her head from the crook of Sophie's neck to look at her. "Our own little place, away from everyone. My Mum can't just walk around the corner when she feels like it if we move to Gladstone Terrance. Can you imagine it?"
Maddie narrowed her eyes; she wasn't sure what Sophie was going to do.
Sophie straighten her back then, putting on her best Sally Webster face, she said. "'Hiya! I was just in Roy's getting me and Tim an iced finger each for after tea and thought I'd pop in!'"
Maddie threw her head back laughing. "That was almost uncanny, it was scary!"
"Yeah, well, I've spent all my life with her," Sophie sighed. "She'd be a flamin' nightmare!"
"Yeah, you're probably right," Maddie chuckled then sat up straight.
"I am right."
"You're bonkers," Maddie smiled lovingly at the brunette. She never imagined she would find someone who cared about her as much as Sophie, let alone suggest getting an apartment with that person. It was all very exciting; she couldn't wait to start the beginning of the rest of their lives together. "It was me who asked you, remember?"
"I do," Sophie shrugged. "I'm only throwing out ideas."
"And I'm listening to them all," Maddie leaned over a placed a chase kiss on Sophie's forehead. "Any other reasons you want to get away from here?"
Sophie frowned in thought. "We wouldn't have to worry about making any noise after nine."
"Oh yeah?" Maddie tilted her head, a suggestive look in her eye.
"No!" Sophie held in her hands up in defence when she realised what she had said sounded like. "I meant, like, Jack's bedtime... and we put a funny film on and one of us laughs too much and my Dad tells us off... that kind of noise not, you know..."
Sophie blushed, her eyes back on the laptop and looking through the website to avoid any further embarrassment.
"Hmm," Maddie mused. Her eyes darted from Sophie's, down to her lips then finally to her girlfriend's hands that where struggling to type something into the internet search bar on the laptop again. Maddie smirked to herself before removing the duvet enough for her to climb out. She pushed the lid of the laptop down, so Sophie couldn't look at it anymore, as she grabbed ahold of it before putting it on the floor next to their bed.
"We'll take a walk over there tomorrow and have a look, okay?" she said, referring to Gladstone Terrance.
Sophie nodded, confused about what just happened. She thought they were going to get few ideas before going to look at them in person.
"Is Jack spending the night at Rita's?"
Sophie nodded again.
"And Kevin and Jenny are staying in the pub for more drinks, right?"
Sophie gulped as Maddie moved her body towards her own, her hands resting on her knees before nodding again.
"Awesome," Maddie whispered against Sophie's lips before giving her a soft kiss. Sophie was about kiss her back but Maddie was thinking one step ahead and pulled away quickly and reached over the bedside table their hot beverages were, she grabbed one in each hand before giving one to Sophie.
"Here's to the future," Maddie raised her mug. Ideally, they would be celebrating with champagne and flutes but they only had one, seeing Maddie smashed the other one. "I love you,"
"I love you, too," Sophie grinned.
They brought their mugs together; the sound of the chiming china filled the room and a slow kiss before a gasp of shock—the hot tea spilling over the edge and onto their mattress, leaving a brown stain.
"Maddie!"
"Oops," the blonde covered her mouth with her free hand. "Sorry."
Sophie rubbed the spot, wondering if it would make a difference. "It's fine. We'll have new sheets soon anyway."
Neither girl could stop the natural reaction to squeal with delight. They made sure to put their tea down safety before letting the excitement of moving in together fill them again and they rolled onto the other side of the mattress and say what words can't.
Reminding herself of all the good times made Sophie's heart ache. She wished she could bottle them and remember them forever. She wished she could spend just one more day with the blonde, and appreciate those final hours together more.
With coming to terms with the death of Maddie and planning the funeral, Sophie felt exhausted. There were no more tears left to cry and still, she had that familiar feeling go through her body and her eyes were reacting.
She couldn't cry again. She didn't want to. It's not what Maddie would want. Crying embarrassed her. That's why Sophie did her best to keep her emotions in check the night Maddie came home from Devon.
Sophie was tired. Everything was happening so quickly. More than anything she wanted peace of mind and a good night's sleep but she was going to get nether of them unless Maddie came back.
Sophie crawled up their bed, resting her head on her pillow, she shut her eyes. It wasn't enough. She reached over to the cold, empty space next to her and it didn't feel right. She moved over. Maddie would be fuming if she knew Sophie was on her side of the bed but she needed to see if she could feel anything. If God was correct about an after-life and spirits, she hoped Maddie was looking down on her in that moment.
She didn't feel anything but she imagined Maddie was there, the blonde's pillow still smelt of her shampoo and Sophie was going to hold onto it for as long as she could.
I'm still in shock they killed Maddie off but it is what it is and it was lovely watching so many people who knew her come together and talk about how she was a wonderful person. I miss you Madeline Ivy Heath.