Somehow AJ got the disclaimer that tells you I don't own any Archer characters. Some fun fluff that entered my tiny mind. Takes place right after Ron and Mallory's Night Out. Several minutes after actually.
Wrong Kind of Sleepover
"Okay Abbiejean you've had your bottle and your diaper is changed so why won't you go to sleep?" Lana groaned as she walked around her apartment holding her daughter in a pair of rumpled blue pajamas. "It's after midnight. Come on…"
AJ responded by several laughs and shrieks.
"Honey I know as a baby you have no concept of time but seriously," Lana groaned. "Mommy needs a power nap."
Just then the door buzzer rang. "Who could that be? Pam said she'd give me the chicken wings tomorrow."
She managed to touch the buzzer with one hand while holding the baby. "Hello?"
"Lana! Buzz us in!" Pam said. "Ray and I need to stay at your place for a bit!"
"Oh goody," Lana groaned as she did so. "What insane thing has happened now?"
It wasn't long before Ray and Pam were at her door.
"Hey Lana," Ray said. "Sorry for dropping in unannounced but we just need a few minutes to lie low and make sure the cops weren't following us."
"What happened now?" Lana groaned.
"You totally missed it!" Pam laughed as she and Ray entered the apartment. "Okay we were at the bar getting hot wings and having some laughs when Archer stumbles in and orders some hot wings and other sh-.."
"Stuff!" Ray corrected quickly. He pointed to AJ.
"Oh right! Jesus! Damn it! I mean…" Pam frowned. "Sorry."
"It's okay. Just watch your mouth a little," Lana groaned. "So what did Archer do?"
"Not just Archer," Ray said as they sat down on the couch. "Mallory and Ron were there too."
Lana was stunned. "Since when does Mallory Archer go to Hannigan's Bar? She always said that place was too low class for her."
"Since she and Ron got kicked out of this fancy restaurant for pulling a gun on a waiter," Ray told her.
"What?" Lana did a double take.
"Mallory pulled the gun, not Ron," Ray clarified.
"I figured that part!" Lana said. "Why…?"
"Apparently the food was bad and they wouldn't give her refills on wine," Ray chuckled. "She and Ron were trying to impress some high society types at that new fancy restaurant. You know the one named after a TV set?"
"She made an impression all right," Pam laughed. "Apparently she and Ron are banned for life."
"And I don't think any of those people at that get together are gonna call her anytime soon," Ray added. "Apparently she and Ron did a hatchet job on 'em!"
"That's Mallory. Making friends wherever she goes," Lana groaned. "So how does Archer and the cops fit into all this?"
"Apparently Archer was supposed to be on some kind of courier mission for the CIA again," Ray explained. "Long story short, he lost the top secret papers when he left them in his car to get a drink and some hot wings."
"He didn't lose 'em. They were stolen by somebody," Pam corrected. "And man was Ms. Archer mad! We got kicked out of the bar…That's why we don't have any wings for you Lana. And Ms. Archer was beating the sh…uh, stuffing out of Archer on the street."
"We decided to get out of there when the cops showed up," Ray admitted.
"How did she know those papers were stolen?" Lana asked.
"Because whoever stole 'em left a note," Pam explained.
"Cyril, Cheryl and Krieger all ran off somewhere," Ray waved. "God only knows where. They didn't come with us."
"Well if they come into work and aren't arrested by the cops we can ask 'em," Pam smirked.
"Suddenly being stuck at home taking care of an infant that won't go to sleep doesn't seem so bad anymore," Lana groaned. "Hell it sounds more restful than the night you've had!"
"Tell me about it," Ray waved. "You got something to drink?"
"Only water, caffeine free tea and other nonalcoholic beverages," Lana sighed.
"Keeping temptation at arm's length? Can't say I blame you," Ray admitted.
"Damn it," Pam said. "I only had a beer and a half tonight. And half a quart of Red Bull."
"I thought you were more articulate than usual," Ray remarked.
"No smoking Ray!" Lana ordered.
"Yeah, yeah I know the drill," Ray waved. "I could use a water anyway."
"Make it two," Pam shrugged. "Running from the cops is thirsty work!"
"Somebody take her while I get your drinks," Lana got up. "Every time I put her down she screams like her grandmother when there's no vodka."
"I got her!" Pam happily took a giggling AJ. "Come to Pammy!"
"She just won't go to sleep," Lana groaned as she went to get the drinks from her refrigerator. "I think she inherited Archer's ability to annoy me."
"Hello widdle baby," Pam said in a funny voice. AJ giggled happily. "She likes me!"
"She's a baby," Ray smirked. "She even likes Mallory."
"That'll change the way Mallory keeps going on about her weight," Lana grumbled as she brought them water bottles.
"That woman is out of her tiny little evil reptilian brain," Ray grumbled as he accepted the water. "There's nothing wrong with her weight."
"If anything this little tater tot isn't chubby enough," Pam smiled as she tickled AJ. AJ laughed happily. "So where's this nanny I keep hearing about?"
"She only does day shifts because she goes to school at night," Lana yawned. "Honestly I'm lucky to have that as it is. AJ is too young for regular day care and I can't keep pawning her off on Mallory to babysit. Seriously I can't keep doing that."
"That is not the worst instinct in the world," Pam admitted.
Ray agreed. "Especially since Ms. Archer has all the mothering instincts of a ravenous barracuda."
"And knowing her she's probably try to mold little AJ into her own warped way of thinking," Pam added.
"And I can't ask Archer to do it for…so many reasons. The last thing the world needs is a female version of Archer," Lana groaned.
"I thought Mallory Archer was the female version of Archer?" Ray quipped.
Lana thought for a moment. "Oh dear God you're right!"
Pam laughed. "It is pretty obvious if you think about it. Both are vain alcoholic snobs who think they're richer than they actually are and better than everyone else. They both think they're the best at everything and smarter than everyone else when they're not. Both jump into the sack with anyone of the opposite sex at the drop of a panty."
"Neither of them can go an hour without drinking something alcoholic," Ray added. "And have the talent for insulting people everywhere they go."
"And both of 'em have had more venereal diseases than at a clinic near a Navy Base in Boca Raton," Pam laughed. "I have access to their medical files so yeah. I know that to be true."
"Pam you slept with both of them," Ray pointed out.
"Oh…Sugar snacks…" Pam corrected herself as she took a quick look at the baby. "That's right."
"And Lana you slept with Pam so…" Ray added.
"Oh…Sugar…" Lana forced herself to not swear.
"I really should get myself checked," Pam frowned. "Anybody know a good gynecologist?"
"You don't have one?" Lana did a double take.
"I get a lifetime's supply of birth control pills and other supplies by forging Ms. Archer's signature on our health plan," Pam shrugged. "And I may have taken a few samples from a friend of mine who's a health care saleswoman."
"Why is it the more I hear about your life the more worried I get?" Ray groaned.
"It's not just you," Lana admitted. "Pam I think I'd better warn you to not put tonight's Archer escapade up on your blog. Or admit it to anyone."
"Oh for crying out loud how dumb do you think I am?" Pam snapped. "I wouldn't tell anyone! Not when the cops are involved!"
"Would you?" Ray gave her a look.
"Okay maybe I would," Pam admitted. "Yeah you do kind of have a point."
"So make a swearsies-realsies promise about this," Ray told her.
"Fine! I won't say anything to anyone outside the group! Swearsies-realsies!" Pam groaned.
"Good," Lana sighed.
"Unless of course the cops already know and offer me a plea deal," Pam said. "Then this kind of goes out the window."
"So nice to know we can count on you Pam," Ray groaned.
"Just what I need. Something else to keep me up at night," Lana yawned.
"Yeah you look like…" Pam began then caught herself when she realized she was holding a baby. "Something a cow would pass through her digestive system."
"I feel like something that passed through a digestive system," Lana groaned. "I was lucky to actually grab a shower for ten minutes before AJ was crying out."
"Lana if you're really tired maybe you should take a nap while Pam and I watch the baby," Ray offered. "I mean we do have to lie low for a few hours anyway."
"How come you only offer to help out when someone else is here?" Lana asked.
"Yeah why don't you hold her for a bit?" Pam smirked.
"Uh no, no…" Ray gulped as Pam got up and brought AJ to him. "I uh, smell of smoke! That's it! Can't give second hand smoke to the baby!"
"You smell fine to me," Lana waved. "Of course that could be the sleep deprivation talking. But at the moment I don't care."
"You're so squeamish about babies," Pam snorted.
"I'm not squeamish! I'm just not…used to them," Ray blinked as he reluctantly took AJ in his arms.
"Mister Big Bad Spy scared of holding a little baby," Lana snorted with laughter.
"I'm not scared! I just…" Ray protested.
"What? You're afraid you're gonna give her gay cyborg cooties or something?" Pam snorted.
"No! I just…" Ray blinked. AJ giggled at him. "Hello…"
"See Ray? You're fine. You're even holding her correctly," Lana pointed out.
"What did you do as a kid? Practice on dolls while playing house?" Pam snickered.
"Well yes but…" Ray admitted. "I had to do it in secret cause Daddy always yelled at me. Lucky my granny hid a stash of dolls at her place."
AJ giggled and brought up one of her chubby hands to grab at Ray's mustache. "Hey that's not a toy…" Ray blinked. "Ow!"
"Go on AJ!" Pam cheered on. "Pull it as hard as you like!"
"Don't encourage her," Ray grumbled as he shifted a little so AJ wouldn't grab at his face.
"You are good with her though," Lana pointed out.
"Lana next time you should take Ray's sperm!" Pam suggested.
"WHAT?" Ray and Lana barked. This startled AJ a little so she began to cry.
"Oh, no, no, no…" Ray said in a tone that indicated he was talking about both AJ's crying and Pam's idea. "Shh..Shh…It's okay. It's okay…"
"Think about it Lana," Pam said. "Ray has good genes too. And he won't run off! Plus I can help!"
"With what? Watching or getting his sperm or…" Lana began. "Oh dear God forget I even asked that!"
"I wish I could," Ray groaned as he rocked AJ in his arms. "Like I already don't have enough nightmares to keep me up at night!"
"See you're good with her!" Pam pointed out at AJ quieted down. "So why not have a kid with Lana?"
"Uh I'm not exactly ready to have another baby anytime soon," Lana spoke up. "One is plenty right now."
"Well you should keep it in mind," Pam shrugged.
"You just want to watch us have sex," Ray groaned.
"Like that's a bad thing?" Pam asked. "I mean come on. I've seen pretty much everyone else here have sex with everyone else. Cheryl with Cyril. Cheryl with Krieger. Cheryl with Archer. Lana with Archer when you were going out years ago. And with Cyril when you went out with him. Krieger with his anime girlfriend which is really weird. Not to mention Ms. Archer doing that phone sex thing a few times with…"
"Stop!" Ray winced.
"Please stop…" Lana added with a groan.
"That's what they all say," Pam quipped.
"Can we please talk about something else?" Lana groaned. "Anything else?"
Pam frowned a minute. "You look really tired."
"Well that's what happens when you're a freelance spy for the CIA with the world's worst boss and the mother of an infant with a father that acts like one!" Lana snapped.
Ray let out a sigh. "You're worried about the future again aren't you?"
"Aren't you?" Lana asked. "I just keep having this horrible feeling that things aren't going to get any better."
"Not an inaccurate instinct with our luck," Ray admitted as he shifted position to let Lana sit closer to him. "But you don't have to do this alone."
"Ray's right. You really should give Archer another chance with AJ," Pam spoke up. "He is trying. Really. I mean when was the last time you saw him work so hard for anything or anyone?"
"You have a point," Lana yawned.
"Why don't we just watch a movie on the old movie channel?" Ray suggested. "We can just relax and not think for a spell."
"Good idea," Lana made another yawn as she turned on the TV. "Oh God! There's a Rona Thorne Movie on TV!"
"I thought they banned those when word came out she was a Russian sleeper agent?" Ray frowned.
"Only some channels did," Lana grumbled as she changed the channel. "Others keep running them for the notoriety."
"If it will make you feel any better from what I've heard her independent directing career isn't exactly going well," Pam told her as she got more comfortable. "Her last film that she directed got laughed out of a recent movie festival. And it wasn't a comedy."
"How do you know this?" Lana asked as she raised an eyebrow.
"Little thing called entertainment channels and entertainment blogs on the net," Pam gave her a look. "And apparently she's not exactly happy with her Russian movie contract. It seems that Russian movie studios don't give their stars the same kind of perks as American ones. Or half as much money."
"That does make me feel better," Lana grumbled. "Bitch had it coming."
"Lana…" Ray gave her a look.
"Oops. I mean…" Lana remembered AJ. "The witch had it coming."
"You're gonna have to really double down when this one starts talking," Ray chuckled.
"Don't remind me," Lana groaned. "I have nightmares of her first words being 'Danger Zone' and 'Phrasing'."
"Put on another movie," Ray said.
"Hold on. I know this movie. Spoils of New Jersey," Lana remembered. "Her character gets killed near the end. I can watch this one…"
"Oh yeah I remember this one," Pam looked. "She plays this moll who's two timing the detective hero and two other gangsters at the same time. Gets blown away by one of the gangsters with about thirty bullets in her. And then gets run over by an ambulance. Twice."
"Then I definitely want to see this one," Lana remarked.
"Yeah after that whole mess I'm definitely not a fan anymore," Ray agreed.
"Eh, I'd still do her," Pam shrugged.
It wasn't long before the three of them were engrossed in the movie. Then Ray noticed AJ was sound asleep in his arms. "Lana…The baby's asleep," He whispered. "Lana…Lana?"
Lana had fallen asleep. Her head was nestled on Ray's shoulder. "Pam you should take the baby while I put Lana…" Ray whispered.
Only to have snoring as a response.
"What the…?" He looked over and saw Pam slumped asleep on his other side. Then she slowly managed to slide down until her head was on Ray's lap.
"So to recap, I have a sleeping baby in my arms…" Ray blinked. "Her Momma and Pam on both sides of me trapping me in like I'm some kind of pillow…"
Pam responded by a loud snore. Then AJ snored. And then Lana snored.
"Dukes," Ray sighed, resigned to a long night. "Why am I always in the middle of the wrong kind of sleepovers?"