Herculean Endeavors

I am not an intelligent man. Nor am I a descriptive one. Even so, I am worshiped, usually being mistaken as a higher being. I am described as being above the common man. A demigod, son of Zeus, my name is Heracles. I suppose I should have put that in the beginning.

You, reader, must understand. Wielding superhuman strength and stamina can serve as both a supplement and a hindrance. How? Allow me to spin you a yarn.

I hate my father, always have. He is despicable. The god of gods, the High King of Mount Olympus, the Lord of lightning, has committed many a crime against humanity. Hundreds, thousands, perhaps millions of women lost their innocence to that monster. No wonder he is referred to as "father" by numerous Greeks. He probably was. That ass had left a horrible, wretched stain on my family. My great-grandmother, Danae, was seized by his charm. Years later, my poor mother, Alcmene, was bereft of her virginity by the same spirit. We were separated when I was but an infant. Your perceptiveness belittles me, reader. If you hadn't deduced it by now, I had discovered this fact eventually. In my rage, I murdered my wife and my six sons all at the same time. So you see my flaw. I became a sheer force of anger. And in my blindness I killed civilians, I raped every child that ambled toward me, and extorted coin abroad all of Greece. I became my own worst enemy.

And I was treated as such. But I was used to it. Ever since I was a kid, nobody liked me. When I was invited to play tag I broke a boy's arm. When I was sparring against a bold citizen who had enough of me, I always killed them slowly. Assassination attempts were a daily sport for me. Yes, I hate the people. But you know what I detest even more so than the guys who abhor me? The sad fellows who pray to me, that's right. I have my own cult. They expected me to bring them good harvests, they wanted me to resurrect the dead, and theyneeded me to grant forgiveness.

What a load.

What in the hell do they think I'm gonna do for them? I admit I do look aesthetically pleasing to the eyes. I'm getting off topic. So I was the son of a god, I had inhuman strength and complexion. But that was the only side they saw. They never took into account my mother. And for me at least, that's what made me above the common, my humanity. That compassion and willingness to strive for something is my power. Everyone has it. But the Greeks are so fickle. They cannot think for themselves. But somewhere deep down in every life form there is a proud adventurer waiting to burst out. That defines me. No one tells me the odds, I am Heracles, and I can do whatever I want. Never chastise me with the limits or restrictions of the mind, you want it bad enough, you can get it.

So what is that it? You must be thinking. Is that the whole point of the story? He's a bullheaded bro with anger management problems. Well you are correct my friend. That is the point of the story. Why say it so blatantly? Because people need to be told! However, I still have not even touched upon the real story. The story of how a small town full of ponies changed my perspective on existence. A true coming of age tale—from ignorance to enlightenment—the glory of youth, my cutie mark crusade!

…

I had just strangled my tutor to death with a lyre. I hate music. And I'm not getting into that pet peeve.

It had been a day since I brutally tore apart my wife and children. Of course, I had to pay for my heinous crime. Eurystheus—yes I can't say it either—was the king of Tiryns. He had all the answers according to the oracle. There was no way I could ever atone for my sins. It was purely my decision to go to face the court. I could easily overthrow this disgusting city single-handedly if I really wanted too. My sense of right and wrong was just too great to ignore.

Tiryns was a foul state. People shitting from their windows, graffiti on every establishment, and a sea of whores on every street. Society choked me. Perhaps it would be better in the confines of a cell. At least you don't have to worry about feces falling on your head. White marble columns appeared more frequently as I neared the center of the stronghold. Still, beggars and merchants scurried abroad like street rats. Some of the dirty peasants bowed in my wake. I went forward, ignoring them completely. They inflamed my rage with their stupid grievances. Of course, if I gave one of them something the rest would never leave me alone. So I strutted onward. Stenches of varying foulness compelled me to pinch my nose. Terrible curses and wraith hecklers pulled the hand off of my nose so I could shield my ears. And before my vision, a decrepit old hag with her palm held out.

Without realizing it, I caught myself with my right arm outstretched behind my head at a ninety degree angle, prepared for a mighty punch. Discovered my face was scrunched up in a scowl. And I ascertained that the wench was trembling on the earthen ground. All of the clamorous noises had been rendered silent. Merchants, officials, and urchins displayed a united visage of terror. Those cretins, why am I the bad guy?

"I'm… please, my apologies madam." I somehow managed to retain my normal composure in front of this much scum. "Would you kindly get out of my way?" I asked. Now that I reflect on it, that may have been a little harsh.

Anyway, I hiked the rest of the way with my hood on. My bearded face had betrayed me one too many times. Nobody recognized me anymore. My robes covered my strong build, and I hunched myself over. Even though I was shoved and pushed around more, I think I got to my cousin faster than I would have if people knew who I was.

Eurystheus was lazily chewing his fingernails, sprawled out in an awkward position on his throne. I disliked my cousin's go-with-the-flow attitude ever since we were boys. Noble upbringing had a considerable effect on his schooling, but bathing in the spoils of the elite was the single thing he wholesomely enjoyed from it. Ever since the beginning of the empire, Kings were usually disciplined and had some kind of formal attire draped over them. But according to Eurystheus, it was too hot in Greece for robes, and that the vine wreath gave him an awful headache. And yet, his informality was unbelievably charming. He won his citizens' hearts for that alone. Every so often he would venture away from the safety of the capital in a plain shirt and trousers just to do it. Sure, bullheaded, but that's what made him a fantastic ruler. He related to his people.

I dwelled on the red carpet leading to his throne and removed my hood. "My king, I accept any and all punishments that I have been charged with. Even death is—"

"Herc, is that you?" Eurystheus giddily ran down the hall to pound his fist with mine, "My brother from another mother! What's up? Anything you need, anything at all? Y'know what you need, I know what you need. Guard! Bring this man our finest wine! So Herc, I'm just a measly political figure what… well all I can do is get ya some damn good wine. Damn good it is, I swear. You will never savor a liquid quite like this one… damn good wine. Why are you here again?"

My jaw dropped. "I murdered my whole family in cold blood you idiot. Remember?"

"Oh yeah," A saddened expression befell the spastic king. "Bummer… Ya can't be doin' that bro. I mean… you're always so angry and I… I told you it was gonna bite you in the ass. I foreshadowed it! And look at you now! It wasn't but a week ago you were having amazing adventures, happier than a pig in shit. Then you took a death to the family. Ouch, that hurts bro… that ails me."

"So what am I getting?" I didn't wanna waste any time with a trial, sooner I got executed the sooner I could beat Hades to a pulp and get at my father, "Hanging, burning, drowning, stabbing?"

"Actually," the tired king took a deep breath. "I like you bro. How's this sound? Instead of dying, you can go do these twelve tiny, little, insignificant labors for me. As a reward, all of your sins—the ones you've committed and the ones you haven't yet—will be purged from you forever. And you will be granted eternal life! Whaddya say?" Eurystheus formed a massive grin.

Naturally, I was skeptical. "Wait, wait, wait… explain this to me. How the hell can I just be cleansed of my crimes by doing these labors? Sounds like a load of crap, cous."

"So your distant sister Princess Celestia, a gorgeous white alicorn, has been having a hard time keeping these violent creatures in Tartarus. Some of them are actively migrating between Equestria, land of ponies, and earth, land of men. They're causing trouble on both sides and we can't find a warrior brave enough to take these beasts down. So here's where you come in, Heracles swoops into Equestria, kills the monsters residing there, then comes back to our world. You'll collect the magic of immortality itself from Celestia, and we all live happily ever after! That is literally the entire plot of this fic summarized right there!" he cried.

Next to nothing in his incoherent rambling did I find anything that even closely resembled a logical thought. All I heard was: monsters… land of ponies… you. Although, I was related to a god, and it's not like these attacks were unheard of in Greece. Both Egypt and my homeland shared similar myths of fantastic animals killing their brothers and sisters. To be fair, I had ridden a pegasus before… but a sentient race of Equines? "First question: were you high?" I inquired all too seriously

"I don't… think so?" replied Eurystheus with a cocked eyebrow.

It was at this point that I sighed disappointedly. "Second: If this alicorn is so special, how come she can't defeat the monsters herself?"

"In her words: Because shut up." he had the nerve to chuckle after that incredulous line.

Adventuring was a great pastime. Been on so many I couldn't even count them all. And I confess; this veteran had never made a pilgrimage to an alternate dimension prior to this day. Could be fun, keep an open mind and… wait a second. "What's the first labor?" I queried.

Eurystheus clasped his hands together and deliberately stepped back. "Well…" I'd seen a bead of sweat swim down his forehead, "You know that troublesome Nemean Lion?"

"All too well, it is a gargantuan Lion flaunting bat-like wings. The vivacious beast preys on the men, women and children of Nemea. Any bounty hunter that steps forth into its cave has never been seen again; hear nothing's left behind, not bones or even scraps of clothes. Legends say its pelt is indestructible and its claws are sharper than any mortal sword… hardly my problem. Only a fool would… are you suggesting?" I guessed that slaying the Nemean Lion was my task, but wondered if my kinsman possessed the fortitude to ask me to accomplish it.

Eurystheus made a beeline for me. Without hesitation he grasped my shoulder with a firm hand. "Bro," His tone darkened without warning. "You do these for me. Or I'll humiliate you in front of the emperor. And when everybody's scoffing at you for being such a coward I'll end you, myself… and so I eliminate one more of Zeus' infinite sons. A bee lost from the hive! Your legacy will mean nothing. Not to Greece, not to your spouses, not to me. Without using your powers for the greater good… you're nothing but self-entitled garbage—isolated trash!" exclaimed the vexed ruler.

I snickered in spite of myself. "Don't fret cous. Villainous blood will shower upon the country of Equestria. And I will emerge a righteous immortal. But I need to make something very clear to you, Eurystheus." I twisted the king's arm behind his back. "I'm doing this for me, got it? Your blessings don't mean a rat's ass to me."

Eurystheus almost instantly reverted back to his original personality. "Ouch! Okay, okay… geez."

I let go of him.

"Just chill man! Look, the lion hasn't been prowling around Nemea recently. I know because their king informed me that the mortality rate has gone back in check." He threw his hands behind his head. "On the other hand, Princess Celestia said that a creature much like its description has been lurking through some place called the Everfree Forrest."

"How am I getting there?"

"We have it all set up," Eurystheus beckoned a small hooded girl leaning on the wall with a quick snap of his fingers. "Celestia left our Oracle here with a spell. When simultaneously activated it should open up a temporary portal to her home. And that time should be in about one minute!"

My mind shut down for a second, "One minute!" I hollered with rancor.

Eurystheus hugged me hesitantly before retreating back to his throne. "It's not that bad Herc. Just uh… be prepared. This is like a whole other plane of existence! It might be more horrifying than the depths of your darkest imaginations. It might be so astounding, your senses will be overloaded and you die from amazement. If you do survive your eyes might likely explode. Literally, your mind might get blown, like boom! Brain matter everywhere… no pressure."

Was this his advice for me? In less than sixty seconds my world would be turned upside-down to the point where it could possibly kill me? Good enough for me. After all, what a way to go down! Death by amazement! Friggin' cool! I had to give it to my eccentric cousin. I hated that guy but he sure knew what a quest was. Heracles defeats the invincible carnivorous lion. I'm up to the test!

I kneeled on the red carpet, facing where I entered the cistern. "Shit's about to go down, Eurystheus!"

The oracle muttered some rhymes beneath her breath and swayed her like a rose petal in the wind. An orange light materialized at the main doors.

Felt my breathing getting heavier and my legs growing tenser. I haven't been this excited since I choked that snake when I was four. Heracles: monster hunter. It had a certain ring to it, did it not? To my astonishment, the fantastic illumination sent significant energy waves abroad the interior of the castle, ripping the useless robes off of me. Stark naked, I fought the influence of the magic waves with sheer willpower. Five more feet… four… three… two… I looked back for an instant. Didn't see anything at all, just flickering, brilliant flames. This was my time. Finally, I reached into the bright void. Searing pain surged through my nervous system, enjoyed it. With vigor, I jumped into the portal.

…

So warm… felt my naked body floating around aimlessly. Flicked my eyelids open. Like a living painting, an orange background, white and yellow stars passing me by. My anger, anticipation, could not form. Why was I so calm? Who cares… nothing disturbed me. No voices, no sounds, no violence. Is this paradise? Took a chance, skimmed the gorgeous mural. Regarded my fellow stars. Cast a glance at myself, hoping I had escaped my shell. No luck, same old hooves. Wait… hooves? My tan legs had morphed into dark brown, bent, furry hind legs. Was that a tail? Amber and tomato-red, it was not horse hair but rather, some kind of tangible, starry aura. Amiable, my body was. That's an egocentric thought… but then, nopony was there to criticize me for it. Wait… nopony? That wasn't the word I meant to say. I was going to say… I forget! Somepony help me out here. Hang on… somepony? Quite strange this was indeed. My mid-air suspension ended abruptly. Coaxing me from peace, another orange portal sailed into me. And I felt the anchor of gravity enslave me once again.

…

Blood spewed from my mouth. Not a thing was the same. White walls and a cold floor conquered the previous colorful escape. Nonstop blinking, vomited more internal fluids next to my head, splashing my face. Tried to get up, failed miserably. None of the motor skills I've applied functioned here. I hated this. Why couldn't I have remained in that… realm? Muscles were numb—painfully numb. Rolled over, frantically kicked legs. Where's Eurystheus? Where's Tiresias? Where's Mother? Am I not dead? Is this not Hell?

"Let me help you." said a stranger in a worried tone.

Flexed my neck just the right amount in order to determine the identity of who had offered aid. I governed the new pupils to work right in this new eyeball with some blinks. Not sure if it did anything. An alicorn with a pure white pelt and flowing multi-colored mane watched me from a few feet away. Her horn glimmered in the sun's radiant beams shining through the vertical windows. Of course, this was Celestia. She drew nearer. Purple irises pierced my soul like a crude knife.

Somepony nudged me from my blind spot.

"Poor thing," said Luna to my dismay. Another sister had witnessed my decomposition; "please, allow me…" soothed the moon princess in a motherly voice.

"Don't touch me!" I squalled.

The dark blue mare lifted me up with magic in protest.

"Get your damn magic off me!"

The majestic mare withdrew the stasis keeping me airborne. Fell on my head. I ignored the blood descending from my forehead. It seeped abroad my face like spilt wine. "What're you looking at?" I asked with my legs tangled together.

Both Celestia and her sister kept their eyes wide open and their mouths straight.

The blue one leaned into her sibling's ear. "I told you humans were bucking crazy."

Celestia smacked her sister upside the head with a hoof. "Watch your mouth Luna, you should know better!" She faced me. "What the buck are you doing?"

"Silence wench, I need not your pity!"

Celestia gave a profound scowl before struting closer to me.

A bird with a colorful plumage and a tail of gold and scarlet perched itself on my legs. Could it be?I wondered. I lifted my head up to get a better view of the majestic creature.

Most beings spring from other individuals-but there is a certain kind which reproduces itself. The Assyrians call it the Phoenix. It does not live on fruit or flowers, but on frankincense and odoriferous gums. When it has lived five hundred years, it builds itself a nest in the branches of an oak, or on the top of a palm tree. In this it collects cinnamon, and spikenard, and myrrh, and of these materials builds a pile on which it deposits itself, and dying, breathes out its last breath amidst odors. From the body of the parent bird, a young Phoenix issues forth, destined to live as long a life as its predecessor. When this has grown up and gained sufficient strength, it lifts its nest from the tree its own cradle and its parent's sepulchre, and carries it to the city of Heliopolis in Egypt, and deposits it in the temple of the Sun.

An immortal.

I had only seen it in pictorials from Egypt. But in real life... incredible.

the eagle-like bird opened it's beak. It sung for me. Melodious, euphonious notes breaching my mind. Fowl had it's own personality.

Such a bird could not be contained. It should have been nopony's pet. And it still stayed with it's master. Why would an immortal, intelligent being willingly... unless... The princess could live forever too.

I will learn the secret to that existence. I will live forever, or die trying.