A/N Pure crack, naturally. I don't own Naruto, I own Rei, my sister owns Tei, we joint-own Anno and Rimu. Hmm, what is the grounds for this title? Wait and see! I don't know much about hot springs either, I'm researching as I go.
It's a fact, even s-class criminals like a hot bath every once in a while. Even if for s-class criminals this involves blackmailing the owner of the hot springs to give them the place for the day. But that's fine, 'cause they're s-class. Blackmail's cleaner than murder, too.
"Okay, this is the place." Said the shark-like swordsman known as Kisame of the Akatsuki, gesturing. "Go on in, it's ours for the day."
"Won't the owner mind?" Asked a certain puppy-like individual in an orange mask.
"Oh, no, he said we could take whatever we want, only don't do what I said I'd do." Kisame paused, looking thoughtful. "I can't remember what I said I'd do… Oh, well. Run along, Tobi."
"Yay!" Tobi announced, and went skipping into the beautifully decorated building, with the rest of the criminal organisation trailing behind him.
"Where's Zetsu, anyway?" A certain artistic blonde bomber named Deidara asked.
"Said he had a date." Kisame replied. There was a long silence.
"Ew…" Said the shortest of the three females in the group, aka Rei. "It might breed!"
"That's a horrible thought." Agreed her crazy blonde partner Tei, a woman renowned for being in a permanent state of near-drunkenness.
"Why do you care about Zetsu's personal life?" Asked Sasori, the Akatsuki's resident puppeteer.
"I'm female, I care about everyone's personal life."
"She made it hell in Konoha." Added a nervous-looking boy with a hairstyle reminiscent of a windswept hedgehog (though somewhat more stylish since Rei had convinced him to stop cutting his own hair).
"Shut up, Anno."
"Yes, Reikisha-san."
There was another silence.
"Hey, Sasori?"
"Yes, Tei?"
"Are you… going in the water?" Sasori sighed.
"Yes, Tei, this is a hot spring."
"But you're, well, wood. Won't you expand, or float, or something?"
"… What I do in hot water is entirely my own problem."
"Hmm." Tei leaned over to Rei. "Bet he floats." She not-quite-whispered.
"Probably."
"So, people, when are we actually going to the baths?" Asked Hidan, the foul-mouthed fanatic.
"… Now!" Rimu, the (badly dyed) blonde with the permanently bored expression, pointed upwards and hit his finger on the low ceiling. "Ow."
"The guys' place is through there and to the left." Kisame pointed.
"Tobi went right." Deidara observed.
"That's the kids' place."
"Figures."
"Rei, Tei, Konan." The three females of the Akatsuki turned to Kisame at the mention of their names. "Come with me, I'll take you to the ladies' place."
Several of the Akatsuki were looking strangely at him, but he ignored them, offering his arm to the bluenette origami artist Konan. She didn't take it, but after exchanging glances with her fellow females, shrugged. "Fine, lead on." She said.
Little did she, Rei or Tei know that this was Phase One of… Kisame's devious plan!
A/N EGAD! A devious plan? Coming soon, Phase Two!