NEXT TIME TAKE THE STAIRS
PREMISE: Spock and Saavik trapped in a lift before they realize their feelings for each
other are reciprocated...oh and there has to be elevator music playing...
DISCLAIMER: Star Trek and its characters are property of Paramount Pictures Corporation, yadda,
yadda, yadda...
Playing the appropriate songs while reading the story will enhance the experience, however if
you already have them on your hard drive, you probably need to take William Shatner's advice
and "get a life!"
-------------------
SAAVIK: I believe our presentation went well.
SPOCK: Indeed, Lieutenant. Initially I was uncertain that it would be a worthwhile expenditure
for Starfleet to send us here to New York City on behalf of the recruitment program, however I
was most impressed with the response and felt that many of the people we met would make fine
additions to Starfleet. This was most certainly a gathering of highly educated, logical and
intellectually gifted people. Have you ever attended such a function before?
SAAVIK: No, Spock, this is the first time I have attended a science fiction convention. I
particularly enjoyed my tour of the vendor's hall and Mr. Scott will be most pleased that I was
able to obtain the Robbie the Robot kit for his collection. It was quite expensive and it seems
most illogical to me that Humans would pay so much for toys from an obscure 20th century
television show.
SPOCK: Agreed.
SAAVIK: I am a bit confused, who was the man in the black robes who kept calling you Luke and
insisting that he was your father?
SPOCK: I do not know. Perhaps he was a member of some sort of unusual monastic order and
thought that I was a member as well? He did not seem to have any hostile intentions, only a
severe respiratory problem. I was fortunate that he was called away by the woman in white robes
with the spherical formations on the sides of her head. Perhaps she was a priestess of the same
religious order?
SAAVIK: A logical assumption. I believe the turbo lifts are at the end of that corridor, is it
not time for us to depart?
SPOCK: We have a few minutes until the shuttle will depart to transport us to the skyport. This
historically significant building still has one of the original mechanical elevators
functioning, would you like to descend by that manner?
SAAVIK: Is it safe?
SPOCK: Of course, Saavikam, the President Hillary Clinton Cultural Center is one of the most
unique older public buildings of this type still in use in New York City, however it has been
updated with modern safety equipment and is an excellent example of early 21st century
architecture. I understand the original elevator is a fine specimen of the era's technology and
is highly regarded as a unique early 21st century cultural experience.
SAAVIK: Very well. I am a bit apprehensive of antique mechanical devices, however I shall
accompany you.
SPOCK: After you, Saavikam.
SAAVIK: Ground floor please.
SPOCK: Saavik, I believe it is necessary to press one of the buttons on the control panel to
activate the elevator as it is not voice activated.
SAAVIK: Oh...mmm...which one? They appear to be quite old, perhaps original to the device, and
the markings have largely been obscured. Perhaps this large one at the top?
ELEVATOR: Para instrucciones en inglés, oprima el número uno, para instrucciones en español,
oprima el número dos, para instrucciones en japonés ...
SPOCK: I do not believe that was the correct one, please try another, perhaps the blue one?
SAAVIK: I do not understand this language, if we are in an American city, why does the elevator
not speak English? I shall try some of the small white buttons...ah, I believe it is
functioning now, are you certain that this is safe?
SPOCK: Yes, Saavik, have I ever intentionally put you in danger?
ELEVATOR: Para instrucciones en inglés, oprima el número uno, para instrucciones en español,
oprima el número dos, para instrucciones en japonés ...
SAAVIK: This is most ... annoying, perhaps if I press more buttons it will silence and move
faster...this one and this one...
SPOCK: I do not think it advisable to...what did you do, Saavik? It has stopped,
activate it again.
SAAVIK: That voice is so loud that I cannot hear you, I will press the large button again and
perhaps it will shut it off. Ah, silence! What were you saying Spock?
SPOCK: It is of no importance now. The elevator has stopped, we must activate it again, so
please allow me to operate the controls. The small white buttons do not seem to be effective,
so I shall try the green one. Ah...I can read the lettering, it says
"MU...Z...A...K".
SAAVIK: What does it mean "MUZAK"?
SPOCK: I do not know, since the elevator does not speak English, it is a logical assumption
that the controls are not labeled in English either. On Earth, green is often associated with
"go", so logic dictates that this must be the proper button to reactivate the elevator. click
ELEVATOR: YooOOOoooouuuUUUUuuuuu light up my life. Yoooooouuuuuuuu give me hooooooooooooope to
caaaAAAAAAaaaaaarrrrrrryyyyy on. Yooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuu...
SAAVIK: Please, please, Spock, make that noise stop!
SPOCK: I am attempting to do so, however none of the buttons seem to be functioning. Perhaps we
have overloaded it and the circuits will reset momentarily if we are patient?
ELEVATOR: Feeeeelings, woo-o-o feeeeeeeeeelings...wwwwooooooooooooo - oooooooooooo -
ooooooooo wwwwwwwwwwoooooooooooo...feeeeeeeeeelings of love...
SAAVIK: Spock, it has been long enough, I cannot stand this noise, it is worse than Klingon
opera and I suspect prolonged exposure will cause brain damage. Please try the controls again,
you must do something!
ELEVATOR: Feeeeeeeeeeeeeelings of looooooooooovvvvvvvvvvve...
SPOCK: The controls are still not working. When we do not arrive for our shuttle, they will no
doubt search for us and we will soon be rescued. You must be patient, Saavikam, have I not told
you repeatedly that patience is a virtue?
ELEVATOR: Muskrat, muskrat, muskrat love.woooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo...
SAAVIK: To hell with patience, Spock, it is impossible to be patient when someone is screeching
about rodents having sex! Assist me to pry the doors open, we must get out of here; this is not
an elevator, it is some sort of booth used to torture prisoners in order to extract military
information and, at this point, I would gladly reveal every Starfleet secret I know in order to
escape. Pull, Spock, pull harder!
SPOCK: It is obvious we cannot force open the doors. I do not understand your irrational
emotional response, Saavikam, I find the music soothing and I think we should take this
opportunity to discuss...
SAAVIK: Screw discussion Spock, see if you can access and repair the control panel!
SPOCK: Very well, but calm yourself Saavik, I am not accustomed to hearing you speak in this
manner, you are becoming most irrational, Lieutenant. I believe now I understand why Starfleet
outlawed music in turbo lifts and dental facilities as it obviously adversely affects the
sanity of some individuals while at the same time lulling others into a catatonic state.
ELEVATOR: Byyyyyyyyyeee, byyyyyyyyyyyeeee Miss American Pieeeeeeeeeeeeee drove my Chevy to the
levy but the levy was dry an them good ol' boys drinkin'...
SAAVIK: Are you making progress? This song is going on forever, granted it is not as bad as the
last, but it makes no sense. Pink carnation in a pick up truck? Moss growing fat on a rolling
stone? "A rolling stone gathers no moss", is that not an ancient Earth proverb?
SPOCK: I regret that I cannot access the control panel. We must sit and patiently wait for our
rescue. I agree that song became rather tedious, perhaps the next one will be better? Enjoy the
music and relax.
ELEVATOR: MacArthur Park is melting in the dark...All the sweet green icing flowing down...
Someone left the cake out in the rain...I don't think that I can take it...'Cause it took so
long to bake it...And I'll never have that recipe again...Oh, Nooooooooooo
SAAVIK: Spock, what do the lyrics to this song mean? How can a park melt and green icing, is
this a song about St. Patrick's Day or perhaps the icing grew a layer of bacteria? Totally
illogical! Why should someone become so upset about a cake, if the cake were that important,
would it have been left outside in the rain in the first place and couldn't one easily look up
the recipe again on...
SPOCK: Saavik, Saavik, you do not understand, the song is allegorical. It refers
to...well...ummmm... perhaps I will need more time to analyze it.
SAAVIK: Apparently we have plenty of time...mmmmmm... if I could put time in a
bottle... by the time I get to Phoenix... do it to me one more time...
ELEVATOR: Song sung blue, everybody knows one...song sung blue, every garden grows
one...
SPOCK: The elevator is moving again! Come, Saavik, stand up and compose yourself. SAAVIKAM!!!!!
ELEVATOR & SAAVIK (now dancing and singing along): Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak
tree...hummmmmm...hummmmmmmmmm ...hummmmmmmmmmm.
SPOCK: Let's go Saavik...this way...please excuse us, sir. Come, Saavik, perhaps some
fresh air will help you.
SAAVIK: Wooo oooo ooo boogie fever...I'm not leaving!...C'mon, Spock and dance with
me, shake your groove thing, let's get down tonight!
SPOCK: Saavik!, you are attracting attention. Please let's step away from the crowd that is
gathering.
SAAVIK: Can we go back to the elevator?
SPOCK: I do not think that advisable. It seems to have affected you, although I find the
changes quite...fascinating. We have missed our shuttle and will have to wait some hours for
the next. It is past 1900 hours, perhaps you would care to have some dinner and perhaps share a
bottle of wine?
SAAVIK: Are you asking me for a ...a date, Spock?
SPOCK: In the vernacular, I believe that is essentially correct.
SAAVIK: OK, but Commander Uhura warned me that, on Earth, when a male asks you to have dinner
and consume alcohol with him, he is often expecting sex in return. Is that your intention?
SPOCK: There are always possibilities Saavikam.
SAAVIK: May we go dancing too?
SPOCK: If you wish, however I believe my body is incapable of doing what yours is right now.
SAAVIK: gyrating hips wildly and playing air guitar I am the eggman, I am the walrus. Goo goo
g'joob g'goo goo g'joob...
SPOCK: Excuse us, I believe she needs some fresh air.
DOORMAN: Man those sci-fi conventions attract some weirdoes!