By Tricki…
Okay well I cleaned this up. It's my first CSI:NY story, Published on The 13th of August 2005. I'd only seen 2 or 3 episodes of NY when I wrote this so if there are things that don't really make sense with the current series then that's why. I tried to stay as true to the first posting as possible but it also has additions, which I think make it much better. I know the tenses are strange but bare with it!
As usual my love goes to Mandi, Becs, Angie, El and Sammie for making me try to do better : D I love you all so, so much.
My other special thanks go to mj0621, Little Miss Sorrow, Spaceape, nsc, Volonta forte, eddie-angel, fruitbat00, Texas Parker89, Cookie Crumbs Factory, E. Limberg, ath3ns, JackSam46 and margrocks - each of whom either reviewed, alerted or added to their favourites list. Thank you all so much, I'm honoured!
Please no more therapy
Mother take care of me
Piece me together with a
Needle and thread
He knows what she wants. She puts on the tough guy act but he understands her, her wants, her needs, her aspirations. He knows that deep down all she really wants is to be taken care of. That after much heartache and turmoil he's helped piece her back together. But realistically she'd pieced him back together long before that.
Wrap me in eiderdown
Fold me and lay me down
On your bed
On their first Sunday together - their first Sunday as a couple, they just lay in bed together. Laughing, joking, talking, and loving. Warm comfortable and safe. They hadn't needed sex; they'd just needed each other. Their treasured memory of being together, the epitome of their relationship was that simple intimacy that came from years of knowing all about each other. Neither of them realized how precious that was.
Or liken me to a shoe
Blackened and spit-shone through
At the time Mac had thought that Stella taken it as a bit of a shock. She had, Mac reflects, been horribly used all her life, been burned and gotten back up and brushed off the ash. He'd watched her be used and always thought how he would never use her.
He never did.
Kicking back home to you
Smiling back home
Singing back home to you
Laughing back home to you
Dragging back home to you
It's one of the highlights of both their lives to have someone to wake up to, to come home to when one of them had a day off, to generally have someone to share things with. She loves walking in the door find him there, he loves feeling her presence all around him.
I was so wary then
The ugly American
Thinner than oxygen
And tough as a whore
When they started their relationship Stella was broken and tough at the same time and Mac was the typical American patriot who was dark on the world, just not around her. They have both seen too much in their years, felt more pain than people should, and witnessed to much heartbreak. They transformed each other and, after enough time and patience, they have gotten each other out of their jaded cycles and made each other happy.
I said you can lie to me
I own what's inside of me
When they first met Stella had been so strong, she still is strong but she isn't in a shut off way, isn't strong because she never lets down her defences.
She was the absolute epitome of 'untouchable, impenetrable fortress.' Nothing anyone said to her could do any damage - she was bomb proof. Then there was Mac: the only person on the planet who had the power to break her heart, to hut her by lying, to kill her by shutting her out and to save her by touching her.
Mac was the same as Stella but to a greater extent, he had built a three foot thick wall around himself and that was how he survived. Stella had carved herself a place in his heart that he didn't want to give her, but wouldn't try and take back.
And nothing surprises me anymore
But forests in Germany
Kids in the Tuileries
Broken-down fortresses
In old Italy
Before she became a CSI she thought nothing would ever surprise her. She learned though, boy did she learn. She learned that the world was surprising, people were always surprising, and love would surprise her more than anything when she found it.
And claiming his victory
Shrouded in mystery
He went running away with me
He had stolen her heart, with his charming mysteriousness. He's been the best friend she's ever had. The person who made her believe she was worth something when she was sure she didn't. After his wife died she had captured his heart and if he was honest, it was long before that. Part of the reason he'd clung to his wife for so long was guilt. He felt guilty that when she died he didn't love Claire as much as he loved Stella. In the end Stella knew him much better than Claire ever had, shared things with him that Claire never did and never wanted to. Stella understands him. Understands that after a tough case he doesn't want to have a big D&M, he doesn't want to cry on her shoulder, he doesn't even want to hold her hand; he just wants to be with her, in her company, in her presence. And that's all Stella really wants all the time: to be with him.
Back in our home New York
Walking these streets forlorn
We all in our uniforms
Black and black
Doing that slouch and jive
The artist must survive
They had first found this spot after the case with the mounted officer, his horse and the sniper. They'd just made up after the officer's funeral and they decided to go for a walk around central park and they had found this tree, this fantastic old tree with huge canopy and they'd been coming here ever since. Right now it had golden yellow leaves that were letting the sun shine through. It was sunny today, the sun was warm but the day was crisp.
Under this tree there were some of the best memories of their lives. When Mac was first trying to tell Stella he loved her he had decided where better to declare his lover for her than the place they'd shared so many happy memories? One day he'd bought down a flat head screwdriver and carved in a love heart:
MAC
LOVES
STELLA
He took here there at midnight. He'd draped the tree in fairy lights, taped it off with crime tape and bought a romantic picnic then covered her eyes so she couldn't see where he was taking her.
He stood her in front of the tree and said
"Surprise." Stella read Mac's unusually bold declaration, turned around and replied:
"Not really."
"What? You expected me to desecrate a tree in central park to tell you I love you?" He asked, concerned that he'd become predictable.
"No! That was a surprise. I'm not surprised that you love me." She said slyly.
"Why not, Miss Bonasera?" He asked as he took her hand and pulled her towards him.
"Because I love you. So I just assume you love me too. Plus you say it in your sleep." She replied matter-of-factly, sinking into his hug.
"I do not!" He said indignantly.
"Yeah, you do." She kissed him.
"I love you Stella." He whispered in her ear as his lips roamed to her neck and his hand slipped under her shirt to her bare back.
"Mac we're not having sex in Central Park." Stella had said as she fought to resist him.
"I can turn the lights off. And we are behind Crime Tape. And it is midnight."
"And it's freezing. And grass up my ass doesn't really appeal." She'd quipped.
"That's why I bought the picnic blanket." He said between kisses.
"Mac" She moaned.
"Can't we just wait till we get home?" She pleaded.
"C'mon Stel, how many times are you going to get to do it in central park?"
"I'm hoping none." She said still fighting but beginning to lose her resolve.
"Just one." He corrected her with a mouth full of her jawbone.
"Just one." She conceded.
"I love you." He said as he lay her down on the picnic blanket.
"I love you too." She replied and just once, she had sex in central park.
We've got all we need we cried
And we don't look back
Thinking we had it made
They had found all they needed in each other. After they started seeing each other they had known that there would be no regrets about their relationship. That one would never be complete without the other. They both know they'll be fine as long as they have each other.
Poised for the hit parade
Knee deep in accolades
Another thing they've gotten from each other is recognition. One of the hard parts of the job that, despite reasoning, they both love, is that they work so hard, bear the brunt of the emotional turmoil and yet no one recognizes that they solved the case, they brought peace to the families, they put in the hard yards but not only this; very few people understand how much they do. Even Claire didn't. But now they're there for each other, there to say:
"Hey babe, well done lifting the finger print off the freaking rock that you really had no hope of lifting it off!"
Neither of them realized how much they needed that.
The conceptual pair
People always marvelled at how tight a team they are, in and outside work. At work they practically read each other's minds, sometimes they actually do. Outside work they finish each other's sentences to the point where people shake their heads in disbelief. They did that even before they were in a relationship. Sometimes they wonder if they're one brain in two bodies.
But ever the malcontent
He left without incident
Vanished into thin air
For a while after Claire died Mac Taylor had disappeared. He was just gone. He escaped inside himself and shut the doors tight behind him. She brought him back out though, picked the lock and dragged him out by the ear. It took her a hell of a lot of time but it was worth it. She has reached a point where she doesn't know how to cope without him. Not in a debilitating or reliant way but in a content way: in a life doesn't need to change because it's right, kind of way.
Now I am always amazed
Every moment he spends with her he wonders how such a brilliant person can exist, wonders how she can be so strong, wonders how he got lucky enough to be the man she loves. She amazes him. She delights him. She captivates him. But mostly she makes him feel whole.
Every day she wonders how this brilliant person managed to hide away for so long.
He just amazes her every moment. There's only one time she's ever seen him completely lose it. That one time was enough for her. It was a few months before they started dating; Stella had been laying into him about avoiding her:
"Mac for Christ's sakes let me help! You're destroying yourself from the inside out and I can't bare it!" She yelled. She didn't yell in anger, it was almost fear. She was so scared of losing him. She needed him so badly.
"GOD DAMN IT STELLA!" He'd screamed but he hadn't just screamed: he'd screamed at her. She got shaky. This was a Mac she had no idea how to deal with and had no experience with. He flung a coffee mug off his counter and made her jump. She'd never been scared of him before.
"I'm sorry I'm a little fucked up right now! In case you didn't know my wife died!" He said viciously.
"She died over four years ago Mac so I suggest you get the fuck over it!" She'd replied. She was so angry that he would even think about talking to her like that, she knew it wasn't the most tactful thing to say but if he got to be an asshole then so did she. And then they had cried. They cried angry, hurting tears. They'd blindly stumbled together and held each other. They'd stayed like that almost all night. He has never again raised his voice in anger to her, not like that at least...
As she lies in the grass in Central Park under their favourite tree she watches him with delight as he laughs and watches his breaths turn to condensation. Stella smiles at him.
"What are you thinking about?" Mac asks, catching her gaze.
"You." Mac sinks into the grass next to her and drapes his arm over her side.
"If I didn't love you so much…"
"You'd what?" She says threateningly.
"Tickle you." He says evilly.
"You wouldn't dare!" She screams, sitting bolt upright.
"Wouldn't I?" He questions before making his attack. Stella laughs hysterically and thrashes in the grass, desperately trying to escape him. It amazes her that he would take her to be a ticklish person.
Words can fill up a page
Pages fill up the days
Between him and me
When Mac disappeared he had done a damn fine job of avoiding her. He had ensured that they were never in the same room, never on the same case, never in the same general area, which was a worked a minor miracle considering they were partners working in a fairly small building and city with much of its crime originating in certain areas. They must have gone at least three weeks without talking, just dropping files in each other's in-piles. Pages and pages of forms and files, with the occasional post-it-note stuck to the front:
Mac, need these done ASAP.
Let's have dinner soon.
-Stella
Stella, can you messenger me the file on the Wilson case?
Sorry about dinner.
Those pages were no substitute for each other but it was better that than nothing.
The vows that we never keep
From bedroom to business speak
Make me remember how cheap words can be
Stella didn't believe in words. Actions spoke louder than words. She had spent her whole life being suspicious, "Trust me" meant "I'm an ass and I'm going to hurt you." and she was usually correct in her suspicions. Mac, on the other hand could make her believe almost anything. When he said "Trust me" she did. He kept his promises to her, but there were moments when he made her believe that he was just the same.
And the letters I wrote you weren't
Of the desperate stuff
Like begging for love in a suicide threat
Nothing much was ever said in there notes, Mac went through the motions and Stella tried to reform him, she hoped to god that the old Mac was still in there somewhere. The only one that stuck in her mind was the last one he sent, the last day he didn't talk to her, (or the first day he did?):
"Thank you for helping me through all this,
Sullivan's after work? I could use a good coffee.
Mac"
But I am too young to die
Too old for a lullaby
Too tired for life on the ledge
It had taken Stella a long time to make Mac realize that he was still worth something, that his life didn't have to end after Claire died - Just because she had lost hers didn't mean he had to give up his. He was almost zombie - like after her death, he drifted from day to day, waiting for each day to pass so that he could get on with wasting the next; Stella could hardly stand it. Mac used to be the type of person who found the good in every situation, the one who loved life; then he just seemed tired. Every moment she spent with him she saw exhaustion written on his face. She knew he was a big boy, that he could take care of himself (supposedly) but she could see him wasting away. Luckily, after slowly conditioning him to be a human being again, he was the Mac he used to be, there was a spark of life in his eyes that she thought might have been lost forever and, what was even better, he thought he was ready to be in a relationship with her.
But I had a dream last night
Once they catch their breath from their batch of tickle torture they lie in the grass and pant.
"You know I had this dream last night; it was the day everyone found out about us but they didn't just catch us making out, they found us doing it on your desk. And they just stood there watching!" Mac laughs at Stella.
"It wasn't funny!" She says indignantly.
"Considering my office is surrounded by glass windows that would've been…interesting."
"It was like being a fish in a bowel, for your information." Stella says not very impressed by Mac's reaction to her traumatizing dream.
"And then!" She begins again after remembering another detail.
"We couldn't find out clothes!" Mac laughs harder, rolling his eyes.
"I love you." He says, shaking his head.
"Come on that day was hard enough without us being naked and trapped and the whole lab watching!"
"Point taken." He says, remembering that day. He can still see it as if it were happening right in front of him…
Of lovers who walked the plank
Out on the edge of time
Amidst ridicule
Mac was as nervous as hell. He was fumbling with his tie. He was about to go to a hearing with a prosecutor who wanted to rip him apart and a judge who hated him for a reason he had never figured out.
"Honey." Stella said caringly, taking his tie out of his fumbling fingers. She tied it expertly and straightened it.
"It's gonna be okay." She said and kissed him gently.
"Promise?" He asked as he sunk into her arms, his whole body tense with apprehension. She hadn't seen him this distressed in a long time. She knew what he was thinking though: He could lose his badge over this one.
"I promise." She began to kiss him again and he calmed down.
"Just imagine them all in their underwear." She whispered between kisses.
"I hope you won't be there then. I wouldn't be able to keep my mind on the job." He replied seductively.
Danny cleared his throat. He and Aiden had entered silently. Aiden looked slightly shocked but Danny just smirked.
"Have you been holding out on us?" He asked cheekily. Mac and Stella glanced at each other silently communicating reasons they could've had their tongues down each other's throats.
CPR? Stella suggested. No that's stupid. We're drunk? Mac replied. Oh and my idea's stupid? Stella shot back hotly.
"Yes. We have been." Mac decided for the both of them and took Stella's hand in reassurance.
"How long's this been going on?" Aiden asked uncomfortably.
"Four months." They said in unison.
"And you weren't going to tell us?" She asked Mac more than Stella.
"We were but we were just waiting for the right time." Stella said, ignoring Aiden's blatant disregard for her existence.
"So you waited four months for 'The right time'?" She asked hotly.
"Aiden!" Mac said sternly but in a concerned way. Stella crept closer to Mac uncertainly.
"Would you guys get everyone in the break room?" Stella asked, slightly unnerved by Aiden's reaction.
"What the hell was that?" Aiden questioned Danny angrily once they got out of Mac's office
"C'mon Aiden you've seen the way they look at each other." Danny stated shortly.
"What was that about?" Mac asked Stella with an eyebrow raised.
"Oh come on Mac! She's got the hots for you bad!" Stella teased him.
"I always thought she had a thing for Flack." He said, a little surprised.
"Danny's nuts about her. I thought maybe she felt the same but…" Stella stated.
"Really? I was sure she had a thing for Flack."
"Yeah well, Flack is a babe." Stella shrugged.
"Is he?" He asked softly, wrapping his arms around her waist and drawing her near.
"Yes. But not as much of a babe as you." She said, kissing him lovingly.
"We'd better go tell everyone." Mac said once they broke apart.
"Mac, I don't think there's any need to." She said and pointed at the window behind him. The whole office was filing past at the exact moment they'd kissed. Aiden looked pissed, Danny ginned, the doc shot Mac a knowing look wile Mac and Stella flushed red and grinned sheepishly.
"What do we do now?" Stella whispered.
"Just smile and wave, Stella. Just smile and wave."
They laughed as they rocked and reeled
Over the mining fields
Coming to rest on this ship of fools
"We've had a lot of good times, haven't we Mac?" Stella asks as she rolls over and props herself up on her elbow so she can face him.
"Not as many as we will have." Mac smiles and laces their fingers together. "We still have at least sixty years." He said, his tone dead serious.
"I love optimism in a man." She grins and combs the grass with her unoccupied hand.
"At school they called me 'Mr Optimistic'." He nods, her favourite boyish smile on his face. She shoots him her classic look -
Yeah, right…
He just took Polaroids
Of her smile in the light
He snaps a quick picture. If there is one thing he needs to remember it's her smile, his favourite sight in the world, his desk is covered with pictures of her smiling - it embarrasses her to no end. With most people these moments of simple perfection are rare. With Stella they're so frequent that he can barely snap fast enough. Stella laughs airily and sinks back into the grass. He never realised that he could need another human being as much as he needs her, never realised that he could love somebody enough to see these moments.
And the dawn of the menacing sky
And before they went overboard
She turned and held up a card
And it said Valentine
When they finally decided to confess their feelings they had both turned over a mental card. The card was the answer to a question: Who is the one person you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with?
"C'mon, Stel," Mac says standing up and reaching for her hand to help her to her feet.
"It's going to rain." He pulls her into a standing position, reluctantly releasing her hand,
There's a good reason, Mac… He reassures himself and readies his camera.
"Yeah I guess we should get back home." She says as she walks off, not realizing he isn't following.
"Stel?" Se calls out.
"Yeah?" She spins on her heel to face him.
"Smile." He says while takes another picture - deliberately before she can complete his request. He watches the photo develop in his hands:
Her hair is flying around her face as she turns to him, a look of sheer curiosity etched on her features. She's looks perfect. He smiles proudly to himself as if it was his photographic genius rather than her natural beauty that made it such a good photo. With one hand he takes hers as they walk back to their apartment; in the other hand he has what will soon be the newest picture on his desk…
He just takes Polaroids
Of her smile in the light
And in the dawn of the menacing sky