THE DS9 NEWLYWED GAME
by Gul Occett
TITLE: The DS9 Newlywed Game
AUTHOR: Gul Occett guloccett@aol.com
RATING: PG-13
SERIES: DS9
CODES: Kira/Odo – Yates/Sisko – Jadzia/Worf – Bashir/Garak – Bob Eubanks
SUMMARY: Residents of Deep Space Nine compete on the game show The Newlywed Game hosted by Bob Eubanks
DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns Star Trek, DS9, and the characters. I don't know who owns the show The Newlywed Game, but whoever it is I am not making a profit from this story so please forgive my transgression against your show. This story was written for personal amusement and should not be taken as intended copyright infringement.
WEBSITE: http://members.aol.com/guloccett/writing/bear.htm
ARCHIVE: ASC is fine, anyone else please ask.
THE DS9 NEWLYWED GAME
By Gul Occett
[Camera comes into focus on the host Bob Eubanks standing behind a podium in one of the holosuites at Quark's.]
BOB: Hello and welcome to The Newlywed Game. I'm your host Bob Eubanks. Now let's meet our couples!
[Camera focuses on Kira and Odo who now appear in a doorway that leads from backstage.]
BOB: Major Kira Nerys of the Bajoran Militia, Liaison Officer to Deep Space Nine formerly a member of the resistance during the occupation, and her husband Constable Odo Chief of security on Deep Space Nine – a changeling who abandoned his people's evil ways! Let's here it for Kira and Odo!
[The crowd claps and cheers. Odo looks rather uncomfortable when his personal information is spit out to everyone in attendance, and Kira has to gently nudge him to get him to move toward their seats. Camera focuses on Cassidy Yates and Captain Sisko as they approach the doorway]
BOB: Freighter Captain Cassidy Yates an ex-member of the Maquis, and her husband Captain Benjamin Sisko Starfleet's representative on Deep Space Nine and also the Emissary of the Prophets! Give them a hand folks!
[Crowd claps and cheers again, and it's Cassidy's turn to look uncomfortable. Sisko takes her hand and gently leads her to their seats. Camera focuses on Jadzia and Worf as they step in the doorway.]
BOB: Lieutenant Jadzia Dax Science Officer of Deep Space Nine - a joint Trill who's had a total of 8 lifetimes, and her husband Lieutenant Commander Worf Deep Space Nine's Tactical Officer and an outcast of the Klingon Empire! Let's have a round of applause for them folks!
[Crowd cheers and claps again drowning out Worf's low growl of anger. Camera focuses on Dr. Bashir and Garak as they come into the doorway.]
BOB: Doctor Julian Bashir – Chief Medical Officer on Deep Space Nine a genetically enhanced genius, and his husband Elim Garak – a former member of the Obsidian Order now in exile from Cardassia.
[Crowd cheers loudly and Bashir and Garak angrily stomp toward their seats. Camera focuses on the host again.]
BOB: Now that we've met our couples let's let the wives go backstage so we can- [Stops in mid-sentence when he realizes his mistake.] The wives and Dr. Bashir can go backstage so we can ask the husbands a few questions. We'll be back right after this!
[Kira, Cassidy, Jadzia, and Julian leave the room and the picture fades to a commercial break.]
[A holographic image of Quark and the bar appears.]
[Audience waits patiently]
QUARK HOLOGRAM: Come visit Quark's! We have the best food [motions to a table of holographic customers eating] the best drinks [motions towards an impressive collection of beverages behind the bar], the best games [motions towards the Dabo table where someone is playing and just happens to win at that moment shouting DABO!], and the best company!
[The holographic images of Quark and the bar are replaced again by the set of the gameshow. The camera fades in and focuses on the host]
BOB: The questions from the first round are worth 5 points each - now on to the first question. Odo, what's the first thing you ran out of on your honeymoon?
ODO: [Ponders for a moment before answering] Time.
BOB: [Surprised] What?
ODO: By the time the ceremony and reception were over I could no longer hold my shape.
BOB: [Nods to Odo and the crowd makes an awe' sound.] Captain?
SISKO: [Smiling] we ran out of Champagne rather quickly.
BOB: Why is that?
SISKO: [Trying not to smile] Some things are best left to the imagination.
BOB: Mr. Worf?
WORF: [Curtly] Medical supplies.
BOB: What happened?
WORF: [Proudly] Klingon's can be a bit rough.
BOB: Mr. Garak?
GARAK: [Lewdly] Lubricant.
[The crowd whistles.]
BOB: [Stammering] On to the next question! [Finally recovering his voice.] What was the last change your spouse made in your home that you didn't care for? Odo?
ODO: [frustrated] She threw away my bucket!
BOB: [trying not to laugh] Your bucket?
ODO: I use it when I have to revert to my natural state. She said that I could do that in bed with her! Now I always end up oozing onto the floor!
[Audience laughs.]
BOB: Captain?
SISKO: She's always rearranging my kitchen! She doesn't know how to cook! The last time she tried she burnt my peppers! It took hours to get that smell out of our quarters!
[Audience laughs again.]
BOB: [Smiling] Mr. Worf?
WORF: [Grumbling] She took my Bat'leth! She said there's no need to keep it by our bed. She put up a picture of a bunch of dogs playing poker!
BOB: Mr. Garak?
GARAK: [Smiling] Just Garak, plain simple Garak.
ODO: [gruffly] plain and simple indeed!
GARAK: [Smiles innocently]
BOB: [amusedly] Garak?
GARAK: He's so messy. [Sighs] You'd think a doctor would know how to properly clean up after himself! But does he? NO! He leaves his clothes lying strewn about everywhere, dishes on every table! Medical equipment lying about to be tripped over.
[Audience laughs again]
BOB: [Laughing and shaking his head] On to the next question. Look at the other men – which do you think your spouse would consider the sexiest? Odo?
ODO: [taking his time while looking around] /Definitely not Garak or Worf. But would she consider the Emissary sexy/ I suppose if I have to choose it would be Captain Sisko.
BOB: Captain?
SISKO: [Sighing] I guess [Grumbles] Worf.
BOB: Mr. Worf?
WORF: [Looking around menacingly at the other men] it would probably be Garak. [Looks over threateningly at Garak]
GARAK: [Winks at Worf]
WORF: [Growls]
BOB: and you Garak?
GARAK: /whom would my Julian consider sexy/ [glances casually at the other men] I really couldn't say [folds his hands in his lap]
BOB: You have to at least guess.
GARAK: [Sighing] I guess [Looks around again] Captain Sisko.
BOB: Ok! That's all the questions! Now lets bring in the spouses!
[The others enter the room again and the picture fades to a commercial break.]
[The holographic images of Quark and the bar appear again]
QUARK HOLOGRAM: Quark's also has excellent holosuites! We provide only top quality programming! You can experience all the wonders of the Alpha Quadrant, and some from the Gamma Quadrant without leaving the safety of the station. Just speak to Quark at the bar for a reservation.
[Noises of boo's and groans of impatience are emitted from the audience]
[The image changes to the gameshow set again – camera focuses on the host]
BOB: Major, what's the first thing you ran out of on your honeymoon?
KIRA: On our honeymoon?
BOB: [nods]
KIRA: What did I run out of?
BOB: You as a couple.
KIRA: I would have to say time. Odo had to revert to his natural state by the time we were able to be alone.
[Odo turns his card over to reveal his matching answer and the scoreboard lights up 5 points. They kiss.]
BOB: Cassidy?
CASSIDY: I guess I'd also have to say time. Just when things were getting interesting Admiral Ross called Ben to the Defiant to help fight off a Breen attack.
SISKO: How could I have forgotten about that! [Turns his card over to reveal his answer]. I was thinking of what you said- [stops himself from revealing the intimate moment.]
BOB: Jadzia?
JADZIA: [Smiling mischievously] Health? Worf had a few cracked ribs and I certainly wasn't fairing any better.
WORF: [turns his card over].
BOB: Judges? [Waiting for their decision] Close enough! [The scoreboard lights up 5 points and Jadzia throws herself on Worf for a kiss. The Audience hoots.]
BOB: Doctor?
JULIAN: [Julian shifts uncomfortably in his chair, twists his hands together, and his cheeks glow a deep shade of crimson] Lubricant.
[Garak turns his card over, and the scoreboard lights up 5 points. Garak draws Julian into his embrace for a long passionate kiss. The audience screams loudly and the other contestants stare dumbfounded at the couple.]
BOB: [clears his throat. Garak and Julian pull away from each other and look at Bob.]
What was the last change you made to your home that your spouse didn't care for? Major?
KIRA: The last thing? [Pondering] I guess that jungle gym he kept in the middle of the floor. He used it to practice shape shifting, but I like to have a living room too.
ODO: [slowly turns his card over] I guess that was the last thing.
KIRA: [Sighing] you can have your bucket back.
ODO: [happily] Thank you!
KIRA: But I like to snuggle!
ODO: We can still do that. I'll just wait until you're asleep before I regenerate.
BOB: Cassidy?
CASSIDY: I guess it would be the kitchen. He hates it when I even go in there let alone if I touch anything.
SISKO: [Turns his card over and gives Cassidy a quick kiss. The scoreboard lights up 5 points.]
BOB: Jadzia?
JADZIA: I took his Bat'leth down and replaced it with a nice painting from Ancient Earth. I didn't want to look up at that thing every time I was in bed!
WORF: Like I want to look at those stupid dogs every time I try to sleep! [Turns his card over. The scoreboard changes to 10 points]
JADZIA: [Sweetly] we can make a compromise. [Gives Worf a kiss]
BOB: Doctor?
JULIAN: I'd say the change Elim doesn't like would be the disorderliness. He likes everything to be perfect and pristine all the time. Even when we- [blushes] well he takes his time and folds up his clothes perfectly before we- [Garak stops him with a kiss, pulls away and turns his card over. The scoreboard changes to 10 points.]
[The Audience erupts in cheers and laughter]
BOB: Ok now if Odo, Sisko, Worf, and Garak wouldn't mind coming up front here. [Points to the front of the stage, and the men proceed to the indicated spot].
BOB: The next question is, which of these men do you think is the sexiest – with the exception of your own spouse? But before you answer we're going to give you a little show!
[Bob looks to the soundman in the background and dance music starts drifting throughout the set. The camera focuses on Odo who is doing a seductive dance. He swings his hips to the beat, licks his lips, and runs his hands over his body- the audience cheers.]
[Focus switches to Captain Sisko who does a half striptease unbuttoning his uniform jacket and slowly takes it off – the audience whistles.]
[Focus then switches to Worf who sways to the beat, and lets out a loud animalistic groan- the audience boo's him.]
[Then the focus switches to Garak who walks up to Major Kira and gives her a lap dance. Kira's eyes grow wide as she watches him intently – security guards have to hold the audience back off the stage. The music fades away and the men take their seats.]
BOB: Major?
KIRA: [Stammering] Garak.
GARAK: [gives Kira a sexy smile]
ODO: [turns his card over]
KIRA: The Emissary? I couldn't possibly- [blushes] He's a religious icon Odo!
ODO: I never thought you'd pick a Cardassian!
GARAK: [smiling expansively]
KIRA: Well-
BOB: [Interrupts to stop the fight] Cassidy?
CASSIDY: Definitely Garak.
GARAK: [Gives her a heartwarming smile] why thank you madam!
SISKO: [Smiling] after that little show I can see why [turns his card over]
CASSIDY: [Giggles]
WORF: [Growling] I do not think my performance was – funny.
BOB: [trying to save the day again] Jadzia?
JADZIA: Benjamin.
SISKO: [Looks stunned at Jadzia]
WORF: [Relaxes and turns his card over] /At least she didn't say Garak/
JADZIA: You thought I'd pick Garak?
GARAK: Why shouldn't he? I am the sexiest after all.
WORF: Well, Curzon knew the captain so I didn't think
BOB: Doctor?
JULIAN: Constable Odo.
GARAK: [Turns his card over]
JULIAN: [Stifling a laugh] you thought
GARAK: I really didn't know what to think my dear. [Kisses Julian]
[Audiences awes]
BOB: On to round 2! If Odo, Captain Sisko, Mr. Worf, and Garak would proceed backstage
[They get up and leave. Picture fades to a commercial break.]
[The holographic image of Quark and his bar reappear on the screen]
QUARK HOLOGRAM: Everyone is welcome at Quark's! And just to show you how much we appreciate your business the first drink to all new customers is on the house!
[Audience boo's loudly wanting to watch the rest of the game]
[Gameshow set re-appears – focus on the host.]
BOB: In the second round each question is worth 10 points. What is the hardest and softest part of your spouse's body? Major?
KIRA: Can that question apply to me?
BOB: When he's in humanoid form?
KIRA: The hardest part would be his [Thinking] chest, and the softest his stomach.
BOB: Cassidy?
CASSIDY: The hardest part is definitely his butt, and the softest his face.
BOB: Jadzia?
JADZIA: The hardest part would be his head. [Audience erupts in laughter] His cranial ridges! [Shouting defensively]. /There are no soft part on the Klingon anatomy/ The softest part would be his heart. [Audience awes]
BOB: Doctor?
JULIAN: The hardest part is his chest plates, and the softest his neckridges.
BOB: When you get intimate is your spouse a talker, a nibbler, a tickler, or a pincher? Major?
KIRA: A tickler
BOB: Cassidy?
CASSIDY: A talker
BOB: Jadzia?
Jadzia: A pincher
BOB: Doctor?
JULIAN: A nibbler
BOB: What's the last food you and your spouse shared in bed? Major?
KIRA: Strawberries
BOB: Cassidy?
CASSIDY: Cookies
BOB: Jadzia?
JADZIA: Gagh
BOB: [grimaces] Doctor?
Julian: Chocolate Syrup [Blushes when everyone stares at him.]
BOB: Now for the bonus question worth 25 points! What's the funniest thing you ever saw your spouse do to himself in your home? Major?
KIRA: He turned himself into a mouse [giggles] and got stuck in his own bucket! [Laughing loudly now, and the audience joins her]
BOB: [trying to control his laughter] Cassidy?
CASSIDY: Well, it wouldn't be funny unless you were there but when he was cooking one night he picked up a pan off the stove with his bare hand and burnt it. He whined for hours afterwards. He was too embarrassed to call the doctor.
BOB: Jadzia?
JADZIA: He gave Yoshi a piggyback ride when we babysat for him one night. [Audience awes]
BOB: Doctor?
JULIAN: I really shouldn't tell you. Garak would be upset
BOB: I'm sure he'll forgive you, Doctor.
JULIAN: Well. We were getting intimate one night and he tripped over a chair and fell to the floor on his butt.
[Audience laughs]
BOB: We'll be back for the end of round two right after this!
[Picture fades to a commercial break.]
[Image switches to the Quark hologram again]
QUARK HOLOGRAM: Quark's is the best-
[Audience starts throwing food and beverages toward the Quark hologram and it fizzles out]
[After a few moments the gameshow set reappears, camera fades in and focuses on host]
BOB: What is the hardest and softest part of your body? Odo?
ODO: When I'm in humanoid form?
BOB: [nods]
ODO: The hardest would probably be my forehead and the softest my stomach.
KIRA: [Turns her card over]
ODO: Humph.
BOB: Captain?
SISKO: My butt is hardest and my face is the softest. Cassidy's always telling me that.
CASSIDY: [turns her card over quickly and leans over to Sisko for a kiss. The scoreboard changes to 15]
BOB: Mr. Worf?
WORF: My cranial ridges are hardest, and I guess my stomach is the softest.
JADZIA: [Turns her card over] Sorry
WORF: [Kisses her affectionately]
[Audience awes]
BOB: Garak?
GARAK: Hardest- my chest plates, and softest- my neckridges.
JULIAN: [Turns his card over and gives Garak a big sloppy kiss. Scoreboard changes to 20]
[Audience whistles]
BOB: When you get intimate are you a talker, a nibbler, a tickler, or a pincher? Odo?
ODO: [speaks in an amused voice] a tickler.
KIRA: [turns her card over then gives Odo a kiss. The scoreboard changes to 15]
BOB: Captain?
SISKO: A nibbler
CASSIDY: [Swats Sisko with her card then shows it to him] You know you're a talker! You always try to seduce me with that voice of yours!
SISKO: [grins broadly]
BOB: Mr. Worf?
WORF: A nibbler.
JADZIA: I'd hardly call what you do nibble! [Turns her card over and audience laughs]
BOB: Garak?
GARAK: A pincher.
JULIAN: [turns his card over] well we do both I didn't know which one to pick.
GARAK: [gives Julian a sexy smile]
BOB: Last question of round two! What's the last food you and your spouse shared in bed? Odo?
ODO: Well, I don't eat, but we had some strawberries
KIRA: [turns her card over and kisses Odo. Scoreboard changes to 25]
BOB: Captain?
SISKO: Well, we don't really eat in bed food anyway [Audience whoops] I guess eggs. I do make her breakfast in bed sometimes.
CASSIDY: [turns her card over] Don't you remember the cookies?
SISKO: [quickly] Say no more! [Audience and host are waiting for an explanation but they get none].
BOB: Right Mr. Worf?
WORF: Gagh
JADZIA: [Turns her card over and the scoreboard changes to 20]
BOB: Why would someone eat Gagh in bed?
JADZIA: It's fun to try and catch them with your mouth when-
WORF: [Kisses Jadzia quickly to prevent her from finishing her explanation]
BOB: Garak?
GARAK: [Smiling lewdly again] Chocolate Syrup.
JULIAN: [to Bob] You should try it some time [turns his card over and the scoreboard changes to 30]
BOB: Not with you two!
JULIAN: I didn't mean with us! [Blushes deeply]
[Audience laughs]
BOB: Before we get to our bonus question lets take a look at where our winning couple will be going. [Screen changes to images of a beautiful vacation spot] [Voiceover] They'll be going on a two-week all expenses paid vacation to the pleasure planet Risa. To get there they'll stay in the Ambassadorial sweet aboard The Federation's flagship – The Enterprise!
BOB: Now for the Bonus Question - What's the funniest thing your spouse ever saw you do in your home? Captain?
SISKO: [gruffly] the time I burnt my hand [Cassidy hugs and kisses him and their score changes to 40].
JULIAN: [matter-of-factly] you should have come to the infirmary.
CASSIDY: That's what I told him.
SISKO: It wasn't that bad.
CASSIDY: Wasn't that BAD? You whined for hours about it! I actually considered having security escort you to the infirmary!
ODO: I would have been happy to oblige.
JULIAN: You really need to set a good example for others on the station, Captain.
SISKO: Alright! Fine! Next time I'll call for you, DOCTOR!
BOB: [shaking his head] Mr. Worf?
WORF: The time Jadzia caught me giving Yoshi a ride on my back. [Jadzia turns her card over and gives him a peck on the lips. Their scoreboard switches to 45]
JULIAN: [laughing] Did he wear little leather boots with spurs on them?
WORF: [gives Julian a death-stare]
GARAK: Jadzia probably wouldn't mind seeing him wear a saddle.
JADZIA: I've seen him wear more interesting things than that.
BOB: Um on to the next couple. Odo, If you get this correct you'll be in first pace!
ODO: [softly] that would be when I turned into a mouse and was trapped in my bucket.
KIRA: [turns her card over and kisses Odo again. Their scoreboard changes to 50].
BOB: Why did you change into a mouse Odo?
ODO: What's wrong with mice?
BOB: I didn't say there was anything wrong with mice.
ODO: Haven't you ever wondered what it's like to be a mouse?
BOB: Not really.
ODO: Well I have.
BOB: What's it like?
ODO: Different.
BOB: [Sighing]
ODO: Well it's really hard to describe to a humanoid, and quite impossible to a hologram. I'll reprogram you after the shows over so you can experience being a mouse first-hand if you like.
BOB: Ah no thank you. Now Garak if you get this question correct you'll be our Newlywed Game Champions! If not then Kira and Odo are our champions! No pressure.
GARAK: [Sighs and looks fondly at Julian] In that case I will be honest about it. We were being intimate and I tripped over a chair and fell.
JULIAN: [Turns his card over and flings himself on Garak nearly knocking both of them off their couch giving him a long passionate kiss –their scoreboard switches to 55]
BOB: Garak and Julian - our Newlywed Game champions! Thanks to our couples, and to all of you! [Indicating the audience. The crowd claps and cheers and the screen fades to black]
~~ The End ~~
All constructive criticism is welcome. Please send your comments to guloccett@aol.com