Daniel hated that his hands were still shaking and flapping around uncontrollably on the drive back to the mountain. He clenched them into fists and still they twitched and shook.
Meds. How he hated those meds. He was still drugged up to the eyeballs and because of the drugs he could barely think a complete thought before his mind lost track of whatever it was that he was supposed to be thinking about in the first place.
One thought was immensely clear though: he was out of that awful place – at least for now. Jack had escorted him out of Mental Health ignoring the protests of the nurses and orderlies and everyone else on duty. He'd flagged that 'national security' password and then the 'matter of life or death' one and then his Colonel credentials and that was that. Simple in the end. Except that one of the senior nurses got a promise from Jack to return their patient to the centre ASAP.
Daniel shivered a full head to toe shudder.
Jack glanced at him. "You cold?"
Daniel tried to nod, although with the drugs he was pretty sure his head waggled like a dogs instead of nodding like a normal persons. He wrapped his arms around himself, shivering harder.
"Your jacket's still in that plastic patient bag in the back seat," said Jack, "I …"
Whatever Jack wanted to say was lost to Daniel as he succumbed to a furious series of sneezes. Yeah, that was another thing. He hated that his allergies were back with a vengeance. He was pumped full of drugs – but none of the ones that he really needed. He struggled impatiently into the jacket – a job made twice as hard by his shaking hands and the seatbelt and the bumpy road that Jack was driving along at well above the speed limit. He groped at the jacket pockets as more sneezes threatened and thankfully pulled out a stash of his antihistamines wrapped into a wad of tissues. He dry swallowed a double dose and blew his nose loudly into the tissues.
Jack turned onto the mountain access road and eyed his passenger surreptitiously and Daniel turned away to glance out the window before biting at his lip. Man, of all the things he hated today, that had to be the worst one. Daniel really hated those looks. The ones that showed Jack was worried that he was still dealing with some pitiful creature who was completely wacko, nuts, crazy, psycho, three fries short of a happy meal, etcetera, etcetera. Yeah, he hated how the whole team had come to stare at him in his white straight jacket. He hated the pitying looks on their faces as they'd watched him go nuts.
Daniel sighed and wrapped his arms more tightly around himself. He wasn't nuts, he wasn't. It was just Machello's Goa'uld hunting bug, that was all, and now that it was gone he was going to be fine - wasn't he? Daniel frowned worriedly.
Jack reached over and dialled the heating higher in the car and Daniel flinched badly at Jack's sudden move into his space.
"What?" asked Jack.
Daniel shook his head and closed his eyes. He didn't want to explain things to Jack. Didn't want to tell him how betrayed he felt. He didn't want to even talk to Jack. He needed to hold himself together. Prove to everyone, including himself, that he was okay again. He just needed some time, that was all.
Damn it. He hadn't felt this vulnerable since that first trip to the orphanage. But this was no time for self-pity. He took a deep steadying breath of clean, fresh mountain air – not stale and antiseptic recycled air like the white rooms air. Not overly warm and full of chemical smells and … . No! Fresh open air. He slowed his breathing with difficulty, knowing that Jack was probably watching him. He was out of that place. He had to keep himself together. He concentrated on keeping his hands still. He had to try to make it through the rest of the day without losing it in front of Jack and the rest of them. Without giving them reason to toss him back into that place sooner rather than later.
Teal'c was sick. Daniel remembered seeing Machello's slug like creature slide into Teal'c. Until his friend was safe again Daniel couldn't afford to think of anything else. He needed to know that Teal'c was going to get better again. Until then he had to take it one step at a time. Daniel ignored the tight fist of pain that gathered in his stomach. Yeah, just get through the next few hours one step at a time.
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Teal'c was going to be okay. He was going to pull through.
Daniel took a tiny step away from the bed seemingly to make room for General Hammond. His heart was beating so loud that he was amazed that someone hadn't mentioned the noise. There were no emergencies now. No friends – or former friends - to focus his concentration on. But he knew what was going to happen now. He could almost feel the white padded room closing in around him again. Daniel took a cautious half step backwards towards the infirmary doors. No-one noticed the move – all eyes focussed on Teal'c. Daniel slipped into the hallway with his heart in his throat. Any second now Jack or Sam or someone would grab him and drag him back. He could almost feel them snatching at his collar – like the orderlies had done when his medication was due in that hell hole. Daniel hurried down the hallway, glancing over his shoulder every few paces. He couldn't go back to that place. McKenzie … drugs… white padded rooms and straight jackets … Oh God no!
His spare coat and keys were still in his locker and Daniel made it top side as fast as his shaky legs and the elevators could carry him. He signed out with what he hoped was a casual smile to the guard on duty and made it out to his car. He drove as carefully as he could considering that he had drugs in his system, keeping as watchful an eye on the rear view mirror as he did on the road ahead. Twenty minutes later he pulled into the parking lot at his apartment. He was sure that he'd feel safe when he was in his own place. He fumbled his key into the lock on his apartment door and slammed it behind him as quickly as he could. He was panting with his terror, feeling the room spin and waver with his panic. He was shaking hard as his hands fumbled for the door locks. He hadn't been this scared since foster care.
He stepped back from the door and stared at it, waiting for that familiar feeling of his own space to make him feel safe and secure but … the feeling wasn't coming. The door with all the locks didn't seem all that safe now. Jack had broken in through it before. And , damn it, both Jack and Sam had spare keys now – they wouldn't even have to try to break in. He should have thought of that. Damned drugs in his system were making thinking almost impossible.
As soon as they noticed he was gone they'd be after him. Daniel's arms wrapped around his middle and then sprang apart again. His arms ached. They'd been stuck in that damned straight jacket for days and … "Stop it!" he gasped out. He wasn't going to go back. But Daniel knew how Jack felt about crazy people and he'd promised that nurse right in front of Daniel that he was going to bring Daniel back into mental health afterward. He knew Jack. Jack was humouring his crazy ex team mate and as soon as Teal'c was out of danger there'd be no need to keep Daniel around anymore – it was just like the orphanage and foster care all over again.
The phone rang and nearly made Daniel leap right through the locked door. Daniel stared at the thing for all of five seconds gasping out a silent litany of no,no,no,no,no, and then he ran for his bedroom snatching at a backpack and stuffing in some clothes . By the time the phone had stopped ringing Daniel had opened up his safe and had emptied its contents into the backpack.
He hurried out of the building just as a light rain started. Car head lights approaching had him ducking down between the cars in the parking lot. His legs shook with barely restrained need to run but he waited and watched. He watched as Jack and Sam hurried up to the front door. As soon as they were in the building, Daniel started running.
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"We're only expecting seven passengers to Nevada tonight, so you can sit anywhere you like," said the driver, not looking up from his paperwork.
"Thanks," said Daniel and went to sit at the back of the coach. He dropped his backpack down onto the seat beside him and hunched himself into the corner. He pulled the curtain partway over the window to block out any street cameras from spotting him.
It had taken him only a little while to figure out what he was going to do. He'd found a bank machine and withdrawn the maximum amount of cash and then booked a motel room with his card. He'd taken half an hour to dig the transponder device out of his skin, get cleaned up and to destroy his credit cards before leaving the room. He knew Jack and Sam would track him down if he stayed for too long. They'd probably have the police, the FBI and the NID after him as well before long. He could just picture the orderlies in white waiting with straight jackets to catch him. He walked three miles to the bus station, staying away from street cams as much as possible and payed cash for a one way ticket on a coach leaving the State in the next half hour.
He wasn't going to go back. He wasn't going to have Jack drag him back to that place again. Jack had betrayed him. Sam and Teal'c and Janet too. They had never really cared about him after all. Just like everyone else, even though he had tried his hardest to be nice to everyone. But Daniel couldn't really blame them. He was a major screw up after all. Something was wrong with him. Too many bad things happened around him. He was jinxed or cursed or something worse. Mr Cain had said so. Sure he was smart, but he didn't follow orders and he wandered off too often. Then there was the sarcophagus addiction. Yeah. That was probably what had settled things in Jack's mind. They'd probably been waiting for a chance to get rid of him ever since.
Daniel frowned at himself. His mind was a whirlwind of disjointed thoughts and images and the fear was almost overwhelmingly strong making it hard to keep his breathing under control. For a moment he knew that something wasn't right. But his thoughts splintered again before he could grasp onto the realisation properly.
He didn't know what he had done – when things had gone so wrong. He didn't understand and the past few days reminded him of foster care and orphanages and being removed from families at the drop of a hat. He'd always been left wondering what he'd done wrong to be thrown out of another home.
Okay, he knew Mr Griffith preferred his wolf hound over him – and the dog in question hadn't liked Daniel all that much – which was mutual. And Mrs McAlister hadn't known that Daniel was really all that smart. And Mrs Murphy couldn't handle a kid that was so damned quiet all the time. Too quiet. Too scary smart. Too scared of the dog – too everything. It was always something. Something about him that drove people away. His favorite had been the Kent family. They'd even been talking adoption for a while but somehow he'd ended up back at the orphanage instead and they never came to get him after that. None of the foster families had ever come back for him. And after a while he'd guessed that it was something about him that made them all reject him. Mr Cain had said he was jinxed when he'd crashed his car the day after picking up Daniel from the orphanage. He'd only stayed in that house for a few days, but he'd remembered what Mr Cain had said. He remembered he'd been watching that day when the cover stone had killed his parents too. Cursed. Jinxed. It didn't take a genius to figure out that that was probably why his Grandfather didn't want him around. Something about him that meant he was trouble. It was no wonder that he was always being rejected and sent back into the system.
This time the system was a lot worse than an orphanage though. It was a place for the insane. A place he had always feared and hated ever since he'd seen his grandfather inside one of them. And again Daniel could hear the cruel remarks made by some of the other archaeologists. 'Insane! What idiotic theories! Daniel Jackson is as nutty as his Grandfather. He'll be locked away in an asylum just like Ballard soon enough.' Daniel had packed his bag that very afternoon to leave town. The very afternoon that Catherine had offered him an escape route into another city and the Stargate project.
Daniel clenched his shaking hands together and watched the street lights sightlessly through the small gap in the curtain as the coach pulled out onto the highway.
It was over now. He wouldn't go back. He wouldn't be able to trust his friends … former friends … ever again. They'd sold him out. They'd gotten rid of him at the first opportunity – even though he'd tried to explain what was going on. Even though they knew perfectly well the hazards of the job that they did. It wasn't as if anyone else had had bad things happen to them because of Gate travel. It was a damned dangerous universe out there after all with stuff in it that no-one had even dreamed of before. But not one of them had ever been locked up in an insane asylum at the drop of a hat.
Daniel wiped sweat off of his forehead. If it had been anyone else, there would have been other, far more obvious conclusions drawn about any sudden changes in behaviour. They had brought back alien bugs before this. It wasn't like they didn't know that bad stuff could come back through the Gate. No, they must have known that he was being affected by something they'd picked up through the Gate. It wasn't rocket science. They'd known what was wrong all along. They'd just used the excuse to have him locked up as soon as they could find a plausible reason to get rid of him.
Daniel closed his eyes, seeing a kaleidoscope of colours flashing like fireworks behind his eyelids. It was all too painful to think about. He'd really thought that Jack and Sam and Teal'c had cared about him. He'd really thought that he'd found a home and family at last that wouldn't reject him. The pain he felt over their betrayal was burning hot agony around his heart. But like Mrs McAlister's 'he's too smart' and Mr Jilkingson's 'he eats too much' and all of the others; SG-1 had found an excuse to send him back into the system. He'd tried so hard to not mess up. He'd tried so hard not to be a burden.
Colours swirled and swished through the gap in the curtains and Daniel took a glance back to see if the bus was being followed. The highway was empty behind them. Daniel rubbed at the cut on his arm where the transponder had been.
It was time to go back to survival mode like he'd done through his time in his last years in the orphanage. Rule number one: don't get too friendly with anyone – or they'll just stab you in the back.
He had to find a place to hole up for a while. He had to get the meds out of his system. Even now the street lights were wavering and changing colour unnaturally. He hated meds. He would have to keep a low profile so that Jack would never find him again. He had to keep moving. Maybe find a way out of the country altogether. Yeah, that would be the safest thing to do. He would leave the country and make his way back to Egypt and hopefully, he'd never see his former friends ever again.
Daniel swiped absently at the sweat beading his forehead and tucked himself into the corner. Right now he had several hours of travel time ahead of him, and he was so tired. There was at least time enough to sleep.
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Couldn't sleep - so wrote a twist for the Legacy ep. Let me know what you thought.