Bud's Stalker
Bud Compson was your typical four-year-old boy. He went to preschool, had a stuffed animal (in his case, it was a dinosaur named Rapty) and went to bed at 7 p.m. every night, right after a nutritious southern dinner. This particular night was life changing for Bud, however. He crawled under the covers of his new grown-up bed, cuddled with Rapty. He closed his eyes and dreamt about playing with dinosaurs. It was a rather peaceful dream. Bud had never felt more serene in his life.
Then, the meteor hit. All of the cute little dinosaurs ran in fear, with "It's the End of the World as we Know it", by R.E.M, playing as the theme song. Bud rode on the back of Rapty as his precious friend found somewhere to seek refuge.
"I don't wanna die, Rapty!" Bud cried. He didn't know much about death, given that he was four years old. But it couldn't have been too bad.
Then, Rapty started cuddling Bud and comforting him. He started kissing him and doing other things that Bud had never been familiar with. He was doing things that his parents told him were huge "no-no's".
Then, Bud woke up and he realized there was a man in his bed doing the exact same things Rapty did in the dream. He was a bald, bearded man who was probably around 250 pounds with an excessive beer belly. He seemed like one of those people his parents wanted him to stay away from, especially since he broke and entered into his room.
Bud screamed and cried.
"WHO ARE YOU?!"
The man looked him right in the eye and said, "My name is Cravis. I am a 35 year old male who collects Bibles and keychains. I like to write stories about children bathing but not sexual. I'm a Baptist. Are you a Baptist?"
Bud just gave him a blank stare.
"MOM!" he screamed. "THERE'S A WEIRD MAN IN MY BED!" Travis looked concerned, gave Bud a quick kiss and jumped out of the window, landing on a trampoline and bouncing around the backyard.
When Mrs. Compson ran into Bud's room, she just rolled her eyes. "You're imaging things again, Bud."
This was far from the end, however.
The nexy day at preschool, Bud ate a cupcake. It was a gluten free, vegan, and rabbit-friendly cupcake. A carrot cupcake, that is. It had cream cheese frosting on top, and some sprinkles. Bud savored this delicacy, satisfied by every bite.
"Bud, finish your cupcake, it's movie time!" Miss Morgan called.
Bud looked at his cupcake and gulped down the last of his pastry. Then, he joined the other students while they watched Fruity Tales as a class. However, Bud could only pay attention for five minutes, as a strange man peered outside from the bushes. Bud recognized this as Cravis, the man who slept in his bed the previous night. His whole body quivered in fear.
"Miss Morgan, a creepy man is standing outside!" Bud yelled.
Unlike Bud's mother, Miss Morgan was more sympathetic to the child's cause, peering outside. Cravis gave Bud a creepy smile and seemed to be touching his crotch. He hid behind a desk so Cravis wouldn't notice him as much.
Miss Morgan called outside, "Excuse me, sir, if you don't go away, I'm calling the police!"
Travis didn't budge, simply responding with "I'm madly in love with one of your students, Bud Compson. Love is but just an age, and I watch him every night when he sleeps. I slept with him last night! He's the Juliet to my Romeo!"
Miss Morgan looked horrified, and immediately dialed 911.
The police came, hoisted Cravis into the police car and presumably shot him, as there was a gunshot reverberating in the background.
That night, Bud woke up to the sound of an acoustic guitar outside of his window. Cravis was outside, naked as the day he was born - that is, his nipples, butt, penis, sack and testicles completely exposed - strumming a slew of horrible guitar chords that sounded like a cat dying.
"Buuuuuud Daniel Compson,
I love you to the moon and back,
I watch you every night,
Like Santa Claus,
Because we're both good Baptists,
We're part of the Protestant domination,
Because Martin Luther went against Catholicism,
So Protestantism is another form of Christianity,
Because Catholicism is bad, that is,
And Baptists are based off of Anabaptists,
So we can be together,
Because we both believe in Baptism, of course,
Even though I have a micropenis,
I can't envy yours,
Because all I want to do is suck it,
Your Herculean penis,
I want to give you a blow job,
And then cut it off,
The balls, sack and scrotum,
Not just the penis,
Because I love you,
Bud Compson."
Then, Cravis scaled the side of the Compson house and broke right through Bud's window. Bud tried to run, but Cravis was too fast for him.
"YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE!"
Cravis thumped through the whole house, castrating the whole Compson family (including Rapty), leaving a whole mess of mutilated genitals. Travis held Bud at knifepoint and gave him a sadistic smile.
"I thought you got shot by the police!" Bud screamed.
"Nah, I ain't black so they gave me a free pass," Cravis responded. "They shot the cop that called me a pedo. I am white, as in a white Anglo-Saxon Protestant, that is. So they like me. If you don't like me, you're anti-white."
What the hell? Bud thought.
"I NEED YOUR COCK, BUD!" Cravis screamed with lust.
"I'm four years old!" Bud replied. "My mama said never to insert my penis into a vagina or have my genitals touched by anyone. She puts soap in my mouth if I touch my genitals when bathing. So I play with my rubber duckie instead."
"LOVE HAS NO AGE!" Cravis bellowed.
Cravis tried to make out with Bud, but Bud realized Cravis was so much of a dumbass that he couldn't even watch his own knife. So Bud impaled Cravis in self defense.
"Et tu, Bud?" Cravis wheezed, speaking his last dying words.
Then, Cravis' spirit lifted out of his body and transformed into an angel. He was being resurrected. The spirit of God landed down next to Cravis and he started interrogating him.
"Is this Judgement Day?" Cravis asked.
"Did you try castrating this young boy?" God asked.
"I am in love with him, although homosexuality is a sin. There's a lot of Christians in NAMBLA."
"You're in NAMBLA?"
"Yeah, we fuck little boys all the time."
God stroked his beard for a few seconds before responding to that. "Well, I can get past the gay part because you obviously can't help it, and gay bathhouses are too fun to be totally straight. But you're obviously a pedo so you're going to Hell. Satan should give you the proper punishment."
God struck a lightning bolt toward Cravis and he was plummeted down to the depths of Hell. He was forced to listen to Justin Bieber on repeat for all of eternity, and give Satan foot massages.
Meanwhile, Bud and God became best friends, since Cravis killed Bud's whole family because they died from blood loss from their castrations. They went out for ice cream every day and went to church on Sundays like good Baptist men.
The end.
Moral of the story: don't be a pedo, or you'll end up like Cravis!
Also, for those of you who are incredibly sensitive, why can pedo neckbeards write creepy fanfiction, but other people can't make fun of it with satire? Just a question to think about.
Love you all (even my haters).
~ TTW