Daria in "Survivor"
Author: Chibi-Tifa
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to MTV. This work is fictitious and purely of my
lousy excuse for an imagination.
Summary: For a school news segment, six randomly chosen students of Lawndale High have to participate
in a "Survivor"-like game. Daria finds herself being one of those randomly chosen and is marooned in the
gym for three days with five other survivors. Who will emerge the victor? Read on.
[Opening Theme Song]
SCENE I- Lawndale High - Mr. O'Neill's Classroom
MR. O'NEILL: Now, after reading the first chapter of "Mayor of Casterbridge", what is your take on the
struggling protaganist, Michael Henchard?
DARIA [to Jane]: Poor drunk bastard.
JANE [ironically]: Your compassion overwhelms me.
MR. O'NEILL: We all know that he auctioned off his family at a fair. A kind sailor bought his wife and his
baby daughter, Elizabeth-Jane.
DARIA: Auctioning off my family doesn't sound like a bad idea. You think the black market will take them?
JANE: Depends, you should probably throw some drugs into the deal, too.
[The loudspeakers crackle, and MS. LI's voice booms out of them]
MS. LI: Attention, students! As principal of Lawndale High, I have the great pleasure of informing you all
of a new project submitted by the school news team!
DARIA: Uh-oh. This doesn't sound very promising.
MS. LI: As an entertainment segment of the school morning news, the team has proposed to do a spinoff of
that fantastically successful CBS show "Survivor".
JANE: Now I can fulfill my dream of eating maggotts and dead rats.
MS. LI: Since our *lousy* school funds--er...I mean...our school funds cannot provide enough money to actually
send students out of the country to a *real* island, the school gym will be our equivalent!
DARIA [monotone]: I can make a wooden hut out of the bleachers.
MS. LI: Six students will be marooned in the gym for three days. We have hidden food supplies and other items
around the gym! It will be like one big scavenger hunt! Whoever is most tolerant of the conditions and the last
one to 'survive' will win a yet-to-be-revealed prize!
[The class collectively oohs and ahhs over the idea.]
MS. LI [continued]: Of course, we will be filming all of this with this cheap, no good--er, I mean...*fabulous* camera
the school has provided us with. The six students that should report to gym after school are as follows!
Sandi Griffin, Michael Mackenzie, Stacy Rowe, Kevin Thompson, Quinn Morgendorffer, and Daria Morgendorffer.
Thank you, and don't run in the hallways. It will scuff the new and *expensive* linoleum floors.
[The loudspeakers crackle again, then turn off]
DARIA: Did she just say my name? Tell me she didn't just say my name.
MR. O'NEILL [chiming in]: Daria! You got chosen! How exciting! I'm sure it will prove to be a wonderful, fun-filled
and healthy experience!
DARIA [flatly]: I think you've gotten this "Survivor" experience mixed up with space camp.
JANE: Don't get too excited now, Gilligan!
DARIA: Toss me a life preserver, Skipper.
JANE: Don't have one. Maybe I can ask the Professor to make you one out of bamboo and twigs.
DARIA [sighs]: Oh shut up.
SCENE 2- Lawndale High - Cafeteria
[Daria and Jane are sitting at a table eating lunch.]
JANE: Come on, it won't be that bad! You can be the greedy, food-snatching bitch.
DARIA: Yeah. Like I would eat food that's been hidden in the gym beneath sheets of dustbunnies and an
overabundance of lint.
[KEVIN and BRITTANY saunter up to them]
KEVIN: Hey Daria, hey Jane! Daria, guess what? I'm going on the island, too!
DARIA [muttering]: Great.
BRITTANY: I'm going to miss you soooo much, Kevie!
JANE: Oh, he'll only be gone for three days...that is, if he's not eaten by the sharks first.
BRITTANY [aghast]: SHARKS!?
JANE: Or the local cannibals. Either one.
KEVIN: I wonder if there are wild tigers on this island!
DARIA [sarcastic]: I haven't heard of tame tigers yet.
KEVIN: I wonder if there really *are* sharks in the water!
DARIA: We're not *going* to an *actual* island, Kevin. We're using the gym.
KEVIN [genuinely disappointed]: Awwww, man!
[DARIA and JANE exchange glances--JANE's is that of amusement, and DARIA looks incredibly bewildered.]
Scene 3-Lawndale High - Inside the Gym
[DARIA and JANE are standing near the exit. It's the end of the school day.]
JANE: Call me later. See ya.
DARIA: Bye.
[She watches JANE leave, then hesitantly approaches the group of 'survivors' gathered in the gym.]
MS. LI: ...four...five...six...ah, yes. Everyone is here in body and spirit.
DARIA: Well I don't know about spirit...
MS. LI [passing out papers]: I'll need parent signatures here now...
DARIA: What if we don't want to do this?
MS. LI: Ah, Miss Morgendorffer, it isn't mandatory, but if you decide not to show up, it may...how can I put this?
Affect your grade some.
DARIA: But--
MS. LI: Now tomorrow morning, report to the gym. Don't bring anything unless it is *essential*.
DARIA: That's a little bit vague. Lip gloss and mascara is essential to some...
[She casts a withering glare at QUINN and the Fashion Club drones, SANDI and STACY.]
MS. LI: An example is toilet paper.
DARIA: What's the use? There aren't any toilets in here.
KEVIN [shocked]: Ew! Then how do we, y'know, *pee*?
MS. LI: We won't be serving the survivors beverages.
KEVIN: Awww, man!
MS. LI: And *no* dropping out without putting up a fair fight! Is that clear?
MACK [to Daria]: Is it legal to force us to do this?
KEVIN: Hey, Mackdaddy! Isn't a pigskin an essential?
MACK: Don't call me that!
MS. LI: Report back at the gym tomorrow at 8! Dismissed!
[The students mumble a response.]
SCENE 4-Morgendorffer Home-Kitchen
HELEN [signing Daria's permission form with a flourish]: This will be such a wonderful experience for you, sweetie.
DARIA [taking the permission form]: How could you? You just sold my soul to Ms. Li.
HELEN: Oh, now, Daria, it won't be that bad!
[QUINN walks in, carrying a gym bag stocked with clothes and cosmetics.]
JAKE: It's going to be strange not having you girls around anymore!
[He's on the verge of tears.]
DARIA: We're only going to be gone for three days.
JAKE: Three days? Damn it! What kind of cheap field trip is it? I'm not signing this permission form, damn it!
QUINN: Da-ad! It's *free*.
JAKE: Oh! Well then!
[He signs QUINN's permission form.]
JAKE: Have fun, kids! And stay away from any strangely colored bugs.
DARIA: We're just going to be cooped up in the gym.
JAKE: Oh...well still...they might be poisonous.
HELEN: [groans]
JAKE: I wish I coulda done something like that in high school! Do you get to vote each other off the 'island',
so to speak?
[He laughs at his own joke.]
DARIA: No. We're going to sit around and starve until we decide to eat each other. You know. Cannibalism.
JAKE [shuddering]: Ewwww...
CUT TO- Next day....
SCENE 5- Lawndale High - Inside the Gym
[DARIA and JANE are standing near the exit.]
DARIA: Well, it's time to kiss civilization good-bye.
JANE: For three whole days!
DARIA: Ms. Li said it wasn't but it was mandatory.
JANE: And that's supposed to make sense?
DARIA: Her logic is much different from ours, apparently.
JANE: Come on, Daria! Go for the grand prize! You can't let the others win. Do it for all of those bitter cynics
out there!
DARIA: Why couldn't we do a spinoff of "Last of the Mohicans" instead?
JANE: I guess the school couldn't afford gunpowder and rifles...or maybe they didn't have the funds to hire some
authentic Native Americans.
[MS. LI is gathering the 'survivors' up in the middle of the gym.]
DARIA [sighs, hesitant]: Well I better go.
JANE: Good luck, Gilligan Morgendorffer!
[DARIA approaches the group.]
SANDI [from her POV]: Ew, Quinn, isn't that your cousin or whatever?
QUINN [trying to hide her dismay]: Oh, God...
MS. LI: Ah, Miss Morgendorffer. Thank you for gracing us with your presence.
DARIA: Sorry, I was saying good-bye to all of my loved ones, seeing as to how the sharks may get to me first.
[She glances at KEVIN to see his reaction.]
KEVIN [pales, swallowing]: Sharks?
MACK: She's kidding.
KEVIN: This is a serious matter not to be taken lightly, Mackdaddy!
MACK: Don't call me that!
MS. LI: Now, let's see, foul play is permitted, seeing as to how this is a dog-eats-dog game...
QUINN: Ew! No one said anything about eating *dogs*!
[ DARIA notices a SCHOOL NEWS TEAM CAMERAMAN nearby, filming away.]
DARIA: Pssst. Hey you. Yeah, you. Zoom up on her tiny little pores.
[She motions towards Quinn, who is huddled in a circle with fashion drones SANDI and STACY.]
CAMERAMAN: Sorry. I signed a contract. I am not allowed to interact with the castaways.
DARIA: I'm not a castaway. I'm an outCAST, but not a CASTaway...
MS. LI: Attention, people! We'll be locking the doors to the gym momentarily! At the end of the hour, we'll
vote one person off!
QUINN [relieved]: Oh good. It's not healthy for me to be trapped in this gym with so many fashion violations.
SANDI: Excuse me? Are you calling me a *fashion violation*?
QUINN: Ohhh, of *course not*, Sandi! I would *never* call you a fashion violation! Your fashion sense is one
of your cutest qualities!
SANDI [smug]: Hmmph.
STACY: Ew, they're not even letting us change our clothes! I don't want to get moth balls on my new shirt!
SANDI [annoyed]: Stacy, are you *done* with your selfish outburst? You could be concerned about *our*
clothes, too, you know.
STACY [meek]: Sorry, Sandi!
QUINN: Eeew, it smells like sweatsocks in here!
SANDI: Quinn, ew. That's disgusting.
QUINN: Well, doesn't it?
SANDI: It does reek.
[She crosses her arms haughtily.]
SANDI: They could make this place cleaner. What *do* you do in here anyway?
QUINN: I think you play basketball or something...
SANDI: Well. That explains it. A bunch of basketball losers have been in here blazing the way for the fashion-impaired.
STACY: Ew! The fashion-impaired sure do *smell*!
DARIA: Help...can't...take...this...punishment...any...longer...
MS. LI: Good luck, survivors! Remember, at the end of the hour, one person is *gone*!
[She leaves.]
MACK [leaning against a bleacher]: This sucks.
DARIA: What essentials did you bring?
MACK: Nothing. I'm was hoping I'd be voted off first. What about you?
DARIA [opening her backpack]: "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand. I hope I get voted off first. Maybe I should go around
and try to piss everyone off so I'll get to go. Oh, wait--nevermind. I'm amongst one of the most-despised fashion violations. I don't even need to try.
MACK: [chuckles]
[QUINN, STACY, and SANDI stand nearby, complaining audibly.]
SANDI: My clothes is going to reek of this gym.
[QUINN is spraying a flowery fragrance on herself.]
SANDI: Gee Quinn, are you going to share that perfume with us or do you *want* us to smell bad?
QUINN: Oh, Sandi, of *course* not! I would *never* do that!
STACY: That smells so good, Quinn!
QUINN: Thanks! It's Eucalyptus Rose.
[QUINN hands the perfume to Sandi.]
SANDI: [smiles smugly, satisifed]
DARIA [on the other side of the gym]: What the hell is that smell?
MACK: It smells kind of like flowers and cough drops.
[KEVIN approaches them, tossing up a football and catching it.]
KEVIN: Hey, Mackdaddy! I brought the old pigskin!
MACK: Why?
KEVIN: See, I figured--it doubles as two things...I can toss it around with someone...or if I get really really hungry,
I can eat it, since it's like, made out of the same thing as bacon!
MACK [exasperated, mumbling]: Dear Lord.
DARIA: This is going to be a long hour.
...An hour passes...
DARIA: [still reading the book]
MACK: [snoring]
KEVIN: [gnawing on his football]
DARIA [glancing at KEVIN]: And what would your equivalent to bacon taste like?
KEVIN: It doesn't taste like bacon at *all*! It tastes kind of...[shudders]...leathery!
DARIA: And you're surprised?
[MS. LI walks in]
MS. LI: It's time to vote someone off!
DARIA: Thank God.
MACK [waking up]: Kevin, vote me off.
KEVIN: Ummm, okay, Mackdaddy...I don't know why you'd wanna do that, but okay!
[They all line up and write down who they'd like to boot on a piece of paper.]
MS. LI [tallying up the papers]: It appears that the first one to be voted off this island is Mr. Mackenzie!
DARIA [muttering]: Damn.
MACK: At last. See ya later, Daria. Good luck.
[He leaves.]
KEVIN [woefully]: Good bye, forever, Mackdaddy!
MACK [as he exits, he calls over his shoulder]: Don't call me that!
MS. LI: Tomorrow we'll vote another off.
[She leaves.]
DARIA: [resumes reading her book]
KEVIN: [begins breathing rapidly, almost hyperventilating]
DARIA: Um, Kevin...
KEVIN: I can't eat this pigskin any more!
[He tosses his football aside, and begins rolling around on the floor. DARIA watches, a bit startled, but concealing
it behind a mask of utter boredom.]
KEVIN: I need some chili...with chips...or a hot dog! I really want a hot dog! I'll never eat bacon again! Wait! I
know what I want! I want a hamburger! I want a pizza! Anything but THIS!!!
[He begins laughing maniacally and pounding on the doors of the gym.]
MS. LI [from behind the door]: Damn it. Damn kid. This wasn't supposed to happen.
KEVIN: Leeeeeeeeeeeeet meeeeeeeeeee ouuuuuuuuuut! Food! Beer! Food! Bacon!
MS. LI: The school board will be sure to terminate me if I confine this student in the gym against his will. Damn.
[She lets KEVIN out, and he bursts out of the gym, screaming like a wild banshee.]
DARIA [to herself]: Go figure. Kevin went insane.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the gym....
STACY: It's so icky in here!
SANDI: Tell me about it. When are they going to let us out?
QUINN: I think in two days.
SANDI: You're kidding.
QUINN: Umm...
SANDI: Quinn, if this is your idea of a joke...
QUINN: It's not, Sandi, I swear! Didn't you read the little permission form thingy?
SANDI: It's not cool to read, Quinn.
QUINN [under her breath]: Oh, come *on*!
SANDI [thoroughly insulted]: Excuse me?
QUINN [quickly]: Um, *nothing*, Sandi!
SANDI: Are you implying that I am illiterate or something, Quinn?
QUINN: Nooo of couurse not, Sandi!
[They continue bickering vaguely in the background. DARIA sits on the other side, the CAMERAMAN rolling
away nearby.]
DARIA: Aren't you bored?
CAMERAMAN: [ignores her]
DARIA: You must have been to come up with this lousy, unoriginal concept and cruel and unjust punishment. There
really is a hell.
CAMERAMAN: [silent]
DARIA: Well. You're no fun.
On the other side of the gym...
SANDI: That's it. I'm going to Cashman's. It's not like my grades can get any lower anyway if I drop out.
[She storms towards the door, pounding on it.]
SANDI: Excuse me, Ms. Li-principal-person. Let me out or you'll hear about this from my mother.
[The door opens and SANDI exits, leaving QUINN, STACY, and DARIA.]
QUINN: Oh NO! Do you think Sandi is going to kick me out of the Fashion Club?
STACY: Oh, she wouldn't do *that*, Quinn! You're too cute!
QUINN: Awww, thanks! God, I want to go to Cashman's.
STACY: Me, too! I think there's a sale on halter tops!
QUINN: Vote me off tomorrow, okay?
STACY: Why don't we vote your cousin off? I mean, after all, she *is* kind of...you know...*ewww*.
QUINN: She's not my cousin! She's my...uh...mother's best friend's daughter's friend's cousin.
STACY [thoroughly puzzled]: Huh?
QUINN: I just want to *leave*, okay, Stacy?
STACY: But Quinn, I want to go, too, so I'm going to just vote myself off seeing as to how your cousi--that...umm...other person is probably going to vote one of us off as well.
QUINN: Sta-cyyyy, just vote me *off*!
STACY [whimpering]: Okay, okay.
The next afternoon...
DARIA [discovers a bag of chips underneath the bleachers]: Dare I open this bag of chips and venture where no Lawndale student has gone before?
MS. LI [entering the gym]: It's time to vote someone off.
DARIA: Great.
[The three remaining survivors gather around and jot down a name on a piece of paper. From Stacy's POV, we can see that she voted herself off, and DARIA voted STACY off, wanting to annoy QUINN. QUINN votes herself off.]
MS. LI [gathering votes]: Miss Rowe...it appears you've been voted off.
QUINN [whining]: God, Sta-cy! Sandi was right. You *are* selfish.
[STACY bursts into tears as she runs out of the gym.]
MS. LI: Miss Morgendorffer...and..um...Miss Morgendorffer. May the best survivor win!
QUINN [muttering]: Whatever.
DARIA [flatly]: You're going down, bitch.
QUINN: Daria, only a *loser* would want to win this thing. And seeing as to how you make *such* a good loser...
DARIA: Eat these chips.
DARIA [thinking in her mind]: Maybe Quinn will get indigestion...
QUINN: Ewww, Daria, are you kidding me? Where did you find those, anyway?
DARIA: I brought them along.
QUINN: Sure, whatever. They're like, from the Stone Age or something, they're so dusty! Ew!
DARIA [dubious]: They had potato chips in the Stone Age...uh-huh...
QUINN: What? God. Nevermind. I don't want to know.
DARIA: You're going to win this thing.
QUINN: Am not!
DARIA: Are, too.
QUINN: You're going to win, you loser!
DARIA: And that's supposed to make sense?
QUINN: I'm *not* going to win! I'm determined *not* to win!
DARIA: So we're arguing about who gets to be the loser...and since you think I'm such a good loser, you're obviously going to win.
QUINN: *What?*
DARIA: Get the hell away from me.
[She walks off towards the other end of the gym.]
Third day...
QUINN [examining her reflection in a compact mirror]: Ewww! My hair is all *flat*!
[DARIA had been sleeping, and suddenly jerks awake at QUINN's outburst. The CAMERAMAN directs the camera towards QUINN.]
MS. LI [walking into the gym]: Miss Morgendorffers...you've both exceptionally well in surviving! But now, it's time to decide on the final winner.
DARIA: How are we going to do that?
MS. LI [handing them a plate of school cafeteria food, which lies in an unappetizing lump]: First person to finish this plate wins!
QUINN: Ewwwwww!! What *is* that?
DARIA: It looks like that bunny Dad ran over a few days ago. So we meet again, Floppy...
QUINN: Daria! Ewww!
MS. LI [firmly]: Eat up!
DARIA: You first, Quinn. I would like to bid my farewell to my fuzzy friend.
[QUINN, utterly sickened, pukes.]
MS. LI: Oh my God!
CAMERAMAN: [filming away]
Scene 6- Morgendorffer House- Daria's Room
[DARIA is lying on her bed, on the phone with JANE.]
JANE: So let me get this straight...Kevin starting eating his football then went insane...and Quinn puked on live television in front of the whole Lawndale High student body?
DARIA: Pretty much.
JANE: Wow! It doesn't get any better than that. I wish I could've been there. So you *won*?
DARIA: I was drafted.
JANE: Oh, you know you wanted to win. So what was your prize?
DARIA: I get one free meal at the Pizza Forest.
JANE: That place where their speciality is humiliating people on their birthdays?
DARIA: That's the place.
JANE: Wow, Daria. So after surviving being cooped in a gym, now you've gotta survive the Pizza Forest? You're turning out to be quite the little Professor. Sorry for calling you Gilligan before.
DARIA: Either way, I'm stuck on the same boat, Skipper.
[End Credits]
Author: Chibi-Tifa
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to MTV. This work is fictitious and purely of my
lousy excuse for an imagination.
Summary: For a school news segment, six randomly chosen students of Lawndale High have to participate
in a "Survivor"-like game. Daria finds herself being one of those randomly chosen and is marooned in the
gym for three days with five other survivors. Who will emerge the victor? Read on.
[Opening Theme Song]
SCENE I- Lawndale High - Mr. O'Neill's Classroom
MR. O'NEILL: Now, after reading the first chapter of "Mayor of Casterbridge", what is your take on the
struggling protaganist, Michael Henchard?
DARIA [to Jane]: Poor drunk bastard.
JANE [ironically]: Your compassion overwhelms me.
MR. O'NEILL: We all know that he auctioned off his family at a fair. A kind sailor bought his wife and his
baby daughter, Elizabeth-Jane.
DARIA: Auctioning off my family doesn't sound like a bad idea. You think the black market will take them?
JANE: Depends, you should probably throw some drugs into the deal, too.
[The loudspeakers crackle, and MS. LI's voice booms out of them]
MS. LI: Attention, students! As principal of Lawndale High, I have the great pleasure of informing you all
of a new project submitted by the school news team!
DARIA: Uh-oh. This doesn't sound very promising.
MS. LI: As an entertainment segment of the school morning news, the team has proposed to do a spinoff of
that fantastically successful CBS show "Survivor".
JANE: Now I can fulfill my dream of eating maggotts and dead rats.
MS. LI: Since our *lousy* school funds--er...I mean...our school funds cannot provide enough money to actually
send students out of the country to a *real* island, the school gym will be our equivalent!
DARIA [monotone]: I can make a wooden hut out of the bleachers.
MS. LI: Six students will be marooned in the gym for three days. We have hidden food supplies and other items
around the gym! It will be like one big scavenger hunt! Whoever is most tolerant of the conditions and the last
one to 'survive' will win a yet-to-be-revealed prize!
[The class collectively oohs and ahhs over the idea.]
MS. LI [continued]: Of course, we will be filming all of this with this cheap, no good--er, I mean...*fabulous* camera
the school has provided us with. The six students that should report to gym after school are as follows!
Sandi Griffin, Michael Mackenzie, Stacy Rowe, Kevin Thompson, Quinn Morgendorffer, and Daria Morgendorffer.
Thank you, and don't run in the hallways. It will scuff the new and *expensive* linoleum floors.
[The loudspeakers crackle again, then turn off]
DARIA: Did she just say my name? Tell me she didn't just say my name.
MR. O'NEILL [chiming in]: Daria! You got chosen! How exciting! I'm sure it will prove to be a wonderful, fun-filled
and healthy experience!
DARIA [flatly]: I think you've gotten this "Survivor" experience mixed up with space camp.
JANE: Don't get too excited now, Gilligan!
DARIA: Toss me a life preserver, Skipper.
JANE: Don't have one. Maybe I can ask the Professor to make you one out of bamboo and twigs.
DARIA [sighs]: Oh shut up.
SCENE 2- Lawndale High - Cafeteria
[Daria and Jane are sitting at a table eating lunch.]
JANE: Come on, it won't be that bad! You can be the greedy, food-snatching bitch.
DARIA: Yeah. Like I would eat food that's been hidden in the gym beneath sheets of dustbunnies and an
overabundance of lint.
[KEVIN and BRITTANY saunter up to them]
KEVIN: Hey Daria, hey Jane! Daria, guess what? I'm going on the island, too!
DARIA [muttering]: Great.
BRITTANY: I'm going to miss you soooo much, Kevie!
JANE: Oh, he'll only be gone for three days...that is, if he's not eaten by the sharks first.
BRITTANY [aghast]: SHARKS!?
JANE: Or the local cannibals. Either one.
KEVIN: I wonder if there are wild tigers on this island!
DARIA [sarcastic]: I haven't heard of tame tigers yet.
KEVIN: I wonder if there really *are* sharks in the water!
DARIA: We're not *going* to an *actual* island, Kevin. We're using the gym.
KEVIN [genuinely disappointed]: Awwww, man!
[DARIA and JANE exchange glances--JANE's is that of amusement, and DARIA looks incredibly bewildered.]
Scene 3-Lawndale High - Inside the Gym
[DARIA and JANE are standing near the exit. It's the end of the school day.]
JANE: Call me later. See ya.
DARIA: Bye.
[She watches JANE leave, then hesitantly approaches the group of 'survivors' gathered in the gym.]
MS. LI: ...four...five...six...ah, yes. Everyone is here in body and spirit.
DARIA: Well I don't know about spirit...
MS. LI [passing out papers]: I'll need parent signatures here now...
DARIA: What if we don't want to do this?
MS. LI: Ah, Miss Morgendorffer, it isn't mandatory, but if you decide not to show up, it may...how can I put this?
Affect your grade some.
DARIA: But--
MS. LI: Now tomorrow morning, report to the gym. Don't bring anything unless it is *essential*.
DARIA: That's a little bit vague. Lip gloss and mascara is essential to some...
[She casts a withering glare at QUINN and the Fashion Club drones, SANDI and STACY.]
MS. LI: An example is toilet paper.
DARIA: What's the use? There aren't any toilets in here.
KEVIN [shocked]: Ew! Then how do we, y'know, *pee*?
MS. LI: We won't be serving the survivors beverages.
KEVIN: Awww, man!
MS. LI: And *no* dropping out without putting up a fair fight! Is that clear?
MACK [to Daria]: Is it legal to force us to do this?
KEVIN: Hey, Mackdaddy! Isn't a pigskin an essential?
MACK: Don't call me that!
MS. LI: Report back at the gym tomorrow at 8! Dismissed!
[The students mumble a response.]
SCENE 4-Morgendorffer Home-Kitchen
HELEN [signing Daria's permission form with a flourish]: This will be such a wonderful experience for you, sweetie.
DARIA [taking the permission form]: How could you? You just sold my soul to Ms. Li.
HELEN: Oh, now, Daria, it won't be that bad!
[QUINN walks in, carrying a gym bag stocked with clothes and cosmetics.]
JAKE: It's going to be strange not having you girls around anymore!
[He's on the verge of tears.]
DARIA: We're only going to be gone for three days.
JAKE: Three days? Damn it! What kind of cheap field trip is it? I'm not signing this permission form, damn it!
QUINN: Da-ad! It's *free*.
JAKE: Oh! Well then!
[He signs QUINN's permission form.]
JAKE: Have fun, kids! And stay away from any strangely colored bugs.
DARIA: We're just going to be cooped up in the gym.
JAKE: Oh...well still...they might be poisonous.
HELEN: [groans]
JAKE: I wish I coulda done something like that in high school! Do you get to vote each other off the 'island',
so to speak?
[He laughs at his own joke.]
DARIA: No. We're going to sit around and starve until we decide to eat each other. You know. Cannibalism.
JAKE [shuddering]: Ewwww...
CUT TO- Next day....
SCENE 5- Lawndale High - Inside the Gym
[DARIA and JANE are standing near the exit.]
DARIA: Well, it's time to kiss civilization good-bye.
JANE: For three whole days!
DARIA: Ms. Li said it wasn't but it was mandatory.
JANE: And that's supposed to make sense?
DARIA: Her logic is much different from ours, apparently.
JANE: Come on, Daria! Go for the grand prize! You can't let the others win. Do it for all of those bitter cynics
out there!
DARIA: Why couldn't we do a spinoff of "Last of the Mohicans" instead?
JANE: I guess the school couldn't afford gunpowder and rifles...or maybe they didn't have the funds to hire some
authentic Native Americans.
[MS. LI is gathering the 'survivors' up in the middle of the gym.]
DARIA [sighs, hesitant]: Well I better go.
JANE: Good luck, Gilligan Morgendorffer!
[DARIA approaches the group.]
SANDI [from her POV]: Ew, Quinn, isn't that your cousin or whatever?
QUINN [trying to hide her dismay]: Oh, God...
MS. LI: Ah, Miss Morgendorffer. Thank you for gracing us with your presence.
DARIA: Sorry, I was saying good-bye to all of my loved ones, seeing as to how the sharks may get to me first.
[She glances at KEVIN to see his reaction.]
KEVIN [pales, swallowing]: Sharks?
MACK: She's kidding.
KEVIN: This is a serious matter not to be taken lightly, Mackdaddy!
MACK: Don't call me that!
MS. LI: Now, let's see, foul play is permitted, seeing as to how this is a dog-eats-dog game...
QUINN: Ew! No one said anything about eating *dogs*!
[ DARIA notices a SCHOOL NEWS TEAM CAMERAMAN nearby, filming away.]
DARIA: Pssst. Hey you. Yeah, you. Zoom up on her tiny little pores.
[She motions towards Quinn, who is huddled in a circle with fashion drones SANDI and STACY.]
CAMERAMAN: Sorry. I signed a contract. I am not allowed to interact with the castaways.
DARIA: I'm not a castaway. I'm an outCAST, but not a CASTaway...
MS. LI: Attention, people! We'll be locking the doors to the gym momentarily! At the end of the hour, we'll
vote one person off!
QUINN [relieved]: Oh good. It's not healthy for me to be trapped in this gym with so many fashion violations.
SANDI: Excuse me? Are you calling me a *fashion violation*?
QUINN: Ohhh, of *course not*, Sandi! I would *never* call you a fashion violation! Your fashion sense is one
of your cutest qualities!
SANDI [smug]: Hmmph.
STACY: Ew, they're not even letting us change our clothes! I don't want to get moth balls on my new shirt!
SANDI [annoyed]: Stacy, are you *done* with your selfish outburst? You could be concerned about *our*
clothes, too, you know.
STACY [meek]: Sorry, Sandi!
QUINN: Eeew, it smells like sweatsocks in here!
SANDI: Quinn, ew. That's disgusting.
QUINN: Well, doesn't it?
SANDI: It does reek.
[She crosses her arms haughtily.]
SANDI: They could make this place cleaner. What *do* you do in here anyway?
QUINN: I think you play basketball or something...
SANDI: Well. That explains it. A bunch of basketball losers have been in here blazing the way for the fashion-impaired.
STACY: Ew! The fashion-impaired sure do *smell*!
DARIA: Help...can't...take...this...punishment...any...longer...
MS. LI: Good luck, survivors! Remember, at the end of the hour, one person is *gone*!
[She leaves.]
MACK [leaning against a bleacher]: This sucks.
DARIA: What essentials did you bring?
MACK: Nothing. I'm was hoping I'd be voted off first. What about you?
DARIA [opening her backpack]: "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand. I hope I get voted off first. Maybe I should go around
and try to piss everyone off so I'll get to go. Oh, wait--nevermind. I'm amongst one of the most-despised fashion violations. I don't even need to try.
MACK: [chuckles]
[QUINN, STACY, and SANDI stand nearby, complaining audibly.]
SANDI: My clothes is going to reek of this gym.
[QUINN is spraying a flowery fragrance on herself.]
SANDI: Gee Quinn, are you going to share that perfume with us or do you *want* us to smell bad?
QUINN: Oh, Sandi, of *course* not! I would *never* do that!
STACY: That smells so good, Quinn!
QUINN: Thanks! It's Eucalyptus Rose.
[QUINN hands the perfume to Sandi.]
SANDI: [smiles smugly, satisifed]
DARIA [on the other side of the gym]: What the hell is that smell?
MACK: It smells kind of like flowers and cough drops.
[KEVIN approaches them, tossing up a football and catching it.]
KEVIN: Hey, Mackdaddy! I brought the old pigskin!
MACK: Why?
KEVIN: See, I figured--it doubles as two things...I can toss it around with someone...or if I get really really hungry,
I can eat it, since it's like, made out of the same thing as bacon!
MACK [exasperated, mumbling]: Dear Lord.
DARIA: This is going to be a long hour.
...An hour passes...
DARIA: [still reading the book]
MACK: [snoring]
KEVIN: [gnawing on his football]
DARIA [glancing at KEVIN]: And what would your equivalent to bacon taste like?
KEVIN: It doesn't taste like bacon at *all*! It tastes kind of...[shudders]...leathery!
DARIA: And you're surprised?
[MS. LI walks in]
MS. LI: It's time to vote someone off!
DARIA: Thank God.
MACK [waking up]: Kevin, vote me off.
KEVIN: Ummm, okay, Mackdaddy...I don't know why you'd wanna do that, but okay!
[They all line up and write down who they'd like to boot on a piece of paper.]
MS. LI [tallying up the papers]: It appears that the first one to be voted off this island is Mr. Mackenzie!
DARIA [muttering]: Damn.
MACK: At last. See ya later, Daria. Good luck.
[He leaves.]
KEVIN [woefully]: Good bye, forever, Mackdaddy!
MACK [as he exits, he calls over his shoulder]: Don't call me that!
MS. LI: Tomorrow we'll vote another off.
[She leaves.]
DARIA: [resumes reading her book]
KEVIN: [begins breathing rapidly, almost hyperventilating]
DARIA: Um, Kevin...
KEVIN: I can't eat this pigskin any more!
[He tosses his football aside, and begins rolling around on the floor. DARIA watches, a bit startled, but concealing
it behind a mask of utter boredom.]
KEVIN: I need some chili...with chips...or a hot dog! I really want a hot dog! I'll never eat bacon again! Wait! I
know what I want! I want a hamburger! I want a pizza! Anything but THIS!!!
[He begins laughing maniacally and pounding on the doors of the gym.]
MS. LI [from behind the door]: Damn it. Damn kid. This wasn't supposed to happen.
KEVIN: Leeeeeeeeeeeeet meeeeeeeeeee ouuuuuuuuuut! Food! Beer! Food! Bacon!
MS. LI: The school board will be sure to terminate me if I confine this student in the gym against his will. Damn.
[She lets KEVIN out, and he bursts out of the gym, screaming like a wild banshee.]
DARIA [to herself]: Go figure. Kevin went insane.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the gym....
STACY: It's so icky in here!
SANDI: Tell me about it. When are they going to let us out?
QUINN: I think in two days.
SANDI: You're kidding.
QUINN: Umm...
SANDI: Quinn, if this is your idea of a joke...
QUINN: It's not, Sandi, I swear! Didn't you read the little permission form thingy?
SANDI: It's not cool to read, Quinn.
QUINN [under her breath]: Oh, come *on*!
SANDI [thoroughly insulted]: Excuse me?
QUINN [quickly]: Um, *nothing*, Sandi!
SANDI: Are you implying that I am illiterate or something, Quinn?
QUINN: Nooo of couurse not, Sandi!
[They continue bickering vaguely in the background. DARIA sits on the other side, the CAMERAMAN rolling
away nearby.]
DARIA: Aren't you bored?
CAMERAMAN: [ignores her]
DARIA: You must have been to come up with this lousy, unoriginal concept and cruel and unjust punishment. There
really is a hell.
CAMERAMAN: [silent]
DARIA: Well. You're no fun.
On the other side of the gym...
SANDI: That's it. I'm going to Cashman's. It's not like my grades can get any lower anyway if I drop out.
[She storms towards the door, pounding on it.]
SANDI: Excuse me, Ms. Li-principal-person. Let me out or you'll hear about this from my mother.
[The door opens and SANDI exits, leaving QUINN, STACY, and DARIA.]
QUINN: Oh NO! Do you think Sandi is going to kick me out of the Fashion Club?
STACY: Oh, she wouldn't do *that*, Quinn! You're too cute!
QUINN: Awww, thanks! God, I want to go to Cashman's.
STACY: Me, too! I think there's a sale on halter tops!
QUINN: Vote me off tomorrow, okay?
STACY: Why don't we vote your cousin off? I mean, after all, she *is* kind of...you know...*ewww*.
QUINN: She's not my cousin! She's my...uh...mother's best friend's daughter's friend's cousin.
STACY [thoroughly puzzled]: Huh?
QUINN: I just want to *leave*, okay, Stacy?
STACY: But Quinn, I want to go, too, so I'm going to just vote myself off seeing as to how your cousi--that...umm...other person is probably going to vote one of us off as well.
QUINN: Sta-cyyyy, just vote me *off*!
STACY [whimpering]: Okay, okay.
The next afternoon...
DARIA [discovers a bag of chips underneath the bleachers]: Dare I open this bag of chips and venture where no Lawndale student has gone before?
MS. LI [entering the gym]: It's time to vote someone off.
DARIA: Great.
[The three remaining survivors gather around and jot down a name on a piece of paper. From Stacy's POV, we can see that she voted herself off, and DARIA voted STACY off, wanting to annoy QUINN. QUINN votes herself off.]
MS. LI [gathering votes]: Miss Rowe...it appears you've been voted off.
QUINN [whining]: God, Sta-cy! Sandi was right. You *are* selfish.
[STACY bursts into tears as she runs out of the gym.]
MS. LI: Miss Morgendorffer...and..um...Miss Morgendorffer. May the best survivor win!
QUINN [muttering]: Whatever.
DARIA [flatly]: You're going down, bitch.
QUINN: Daria, only a *loser* would want to win this thing. And seeing as to how you make *such* a good loser...
DARIA: Eat these chips.
DARIA [thinking in her mind]: Maybe Quinn will get indigestion...
QUINN: Ewww, Daria, are you kidding me? Where did you find those, anyway?
DARIA: I brought them along.
QUINN: Sure, whatever. They're like, from the Stone Age or something, they're so dusty! Ew!
DARIA [dubious]: They had potato chips in the Stone Age...uh-huh...
QUINN: What? God. Nevermind. I don't want to know.
DARIA: You're going to win this thing.
QUINN: Am not!
DARIA: Are, too.
QUINN: You're going to win, you loser!
DARIA: And that's supposed to make sense?
QUINN: I'm *not* going to win! I'm determined *not* to win!
DARIA: So we're arguing about who gets to be the loser...and since you think I'm such a good loser, you're obviously going to win.
QUINN: *What?*
DARIA: Get the hell away from me.
[She walks off towards the other end of the gym.]
Third day...
QUINN [examining her reflection in a compact mirror]: Ewww! My hair is all *flat*!
[DARIA had been sleeping, and suddenly jerks awake at QUINN's outburst. The CAMERAMAN directs the camera towards QUINN.]
MS. LI [walking into the gym]: Miss Morgendorffers...you've both exceptionally well in surviving! But now, it's time to decide on the final winner.
DARIA: How are we going to do that?
MS. LI [handing them a plate of school cafeteria food, which lies in an unappetizing lump]: First person to finish this plate wins!
QUINN: Ewwwwww!! What *is* that?
DARIA: It looks like that bunny Dad ran over a few days ago. So we meet again, Floppy...
QUINN: Daria! Ewww!
MS. LI [firmly]: Eat up!
DARIA: You first, Quinn. I would like to bid my farewell to my fuzzy friend.
[QUINN, utterly sickened, pukes.]
MS. LI: Oh my God!
CAMERAMAN: [filming away]
Scene 6- Morgendorffer House- Daria's Room
[DARIA is lying on her bed, on the phone with JANE.]
JANE: So let me get this straight...Kevin starting eating his football then went insane...and Quinn puked on live television in front of the whole Lawndale High student body?
DARIA: Pretty much.
JANE: Wow! It doesn't get any better than that. I wish I could've been there. So you *won*?
DARIA: I was drafted.
JANE: Oh, you know you wanted to win. So what was your prize?
DARIA: I get one free meal at the Pizza Forest.
JANE: That place where their speciality is humiliating people on their birthdays?
DARIA: That's the place.
JANE: Wow, Daria. So after surviving being cooped in a gym, now you've gotta survive the Pizza Forest? You're turning out to be quite the little Professor. Sorry for calling you Gilligan before.
DARIA: Either way, I'm stuck on the same boat, Skipper.
[End Credits]