I don't own Fruits Basket… worse yet, I don't own Shigure… he's mine! Mine! All mine! (wanders off raving mad)
Please REVIEW after reading! Tell me what you think!
From Tohru's POV... most of the italics are flashbacks or thoughts... I think there's SPOILERS here as well... 97 and beyond?
Behind the Laughter, There Is No Smile
Ripples on deep water.
Deep water no one can fathom.
So dark and black and cold.
I listen to him laugh – he sounds like a broken doll as each year passes. When I met the Sohma family, he was the first – the first to say 'hello'. We had good bonding – we're of the same year, after all.
But now, I'm older, those innocent years have gone, and lives have changed, the bad times are over (supposedly) and I yet… I wonder….
I remember that one time – the first date I had with Yuki. It was a double date with Kyo and Kagure. And we had left Shigure standing alone at the door – watched him wave to us goodbye…
No… we were saying goodbye.
But in a way, so was he.
He always was.
His mask was better than Yuki or Kyo's.
Well… he IS older.
"Shigure-san is always smiling… so I can't tell if I'm causing him trouble or not."
I remember sighing over the whole problem and Yuki just smiled enigmatically.
"Aside from Hatori, there are very few people who can tell what Shigure is thinking. A long time ago, someone said: He's like a ripple on the water."
He's like a ripple on the water.
If you try to bring it close to you, it pulls away.
Though it may brush against your feet… if you try to catch it, it will pull further away. He's a man who cannot be caught.
"He's a man who cannot be caught," Yuki then, sighed. "If you ask me, he's more like a jelly fish floating on the ripples."
He's always smiling.
I talked to Hatori some years afterward, and he lowered his eyes.
"It's hard to understand him. The only one who knows Shigure, is probably himself. You have guessed –"
"It's like –" I pause, trying to find the words. "His mask is being nice. Laughing. Smiling. Friendly. But –"
"But… There is always that BUT."
"Is that…"
"It was there as long as I knew him. I never knew why, though."
He may be smiling… but on the inside, he's up to something.
"Something's been on your mind, Tohru-kun?" A soft voice asked me, from the kitchen table.
"Yuki," I pause. "I guess I've been out of it…"
"What's the problem? School? Work?"
"No." I sigh. "When I first came here, I saw a lot of hurt in you and Kyo. You were so – socially isolated, Kyo so angry, Haru had a dark side, Hatori was closed up, Kisa felt abandoned…. Ritsu, even Momiji… Rin… I didn't see…"
"Didn't see…."
"Didn't see that behind his smiles there was –"
"You aren't making sense."
"Behind Shigure-san's smile."
"I always thought that he was up to something."
"But what if, what if behind that smile there was – something – or worse, nothing?"
"Talk to him about it…"
"Maybe…"
That night, I found myself on the veranda, listening to the soft scribbles of Shigure's pen on paper. In many ways, things had changed. No longer a high school girl – but going to college, working full time in a dress shop (NOT Aya's) and dating Yuki. Yuki also has changed and Kyo. They can now stand each other for longer periods of time. Kagure and Kyo have met some sort of an understanding and the curse doesn't seem to have so big of a hold in their lives.
But there are some things which haven't changed.
And listening to the pages turn in the study behind me, I know that one person had been left standing alone for quite some while.
I sigh, unsure of how to even start this.
"You've got something on your mind?" Shigure asked. "School? Work?"
"Not really."
"What then?"
He looks up, glasses obscuring his eyes – I shift to watch him as he picks up his newspaper to read.
I realize.
His favorite choice of defense.
"You, actually."
He doesn't twitch but I notice the infinitesimal clenching of hands around the paper edge.
Shigure's mouth twitches upward in his everlasting grin. My heart is so sore, watching him manipulate that mask.
"Me? Should I be worried? Is this a warning? Is Yuki to feel jealous?"
I ignore the teasing remarks.
"Of course not."
"Then…"
He looks up, his mouth, hardening ever so slightly.
"What?"
I sigh.
"I was wondering what was behind your smile – I can see nothing."
"Are you fevered? Are you ill? What's with –"
"No, of course not." I cut in.
He shifts uncomfortably and flaps his paper uneasily.
"Well –"
"I was just wondering."
"I don't –"
"If you don't want to talk about it, why don't you say so, Shigure-san?"
I have grown too. Yuki taught me the bounds of unconditional love. Kyo taught me how to confront.
I won't let him try me. This is for his best.
"There is nothing to talk about."
Another lie.
The silence is heavy.
"What does it matter anyway?"
"I don't like to see unhappiness. I want the best for you, since you've done so much for me. Shigure-san."
His hands clench harder.
"There's nothing that can be done. Some things are meant to be. Some things can never be. That is the gift and burden of a dream."
He's like a ripple on the water.
If you try to bring it close to you, it pulls away.
I can already feel him withdrawing from me. Taking a deep breath, I try to calm my pounding heart.
"I'm sorry, Shigure-san, for bothering you. I just wanted –"
"You wanted me to be happy."
"Yes."
"Impossible."
"No, it's not! Yuki and Kyo and even, Hatori…"
"Yuki and the others have something to live for. What I live for, binds me like this. Just leave it, Tohru."
I withdraw and nod, and then, pull a smile.
"What now?"
"Aya said you were like a ripple. But Hatori said that you were a jelly fish on the ripple."
"Heh. What do you think?"
"I think you're both."
Though it may brush against your feet… if you try to catch it, it will pull further away. He's a man who cannot be caught.
He says nothing to that.
"If you ever want to talk –" I pause.
"I know," he smiled again. Eyes curving shut (perhaps to hide that nothingness). "You will always be there. But you know. You won't. You have another life to live."
"That's not –"
"Isn't it?"
We all know how much I'm out.
"It's too late for someone like me – perhaps earlier… but then –"
It was always hopeless.
Catch me if you can.
Two summers later, I walked away from his house, hand in hand with Yuki, the wedding party had just broken up and we were off for the honeymoon. I walked away under the budding blossoms and, smiled at Yuki – then – I turned around. It was as if I was looking down through a tunnel.
Shigure was there, standing, in the same old, grey yukata – the one he had been wearing the first day we met – he was there, waving. It was a bad déjà vu.
So was his smile.
He was still smiling.
And behind it, there was nothing.
Was there nothing? Behind it…
Behind him, a shadow moved. Dark and familiar and foreboding.
I realized then, that this was a battle I had lost long ago, to something I had never known.
Shigure-san.
I pity you.
Though it may brush against your feet… if you try to catch it, it will pull further away. He's a man who cannot be caught.
Or perhaps, long ago, a pale hand had stopped the ripple and bound it. So then…
It could never come to shore.
-
-
-
Catch me if you can.