"Q. I heard about Noah…" My mom says, as she hands me over my coffee. I shrug. I don't care. "Are you OK?" I nod, picking the food around my plate. I'm not hungry, I can't eat. No matter how much I know I should. I just physically can't. I can't lift the food and put it in my mouth. I can't feel anything, I don't care what happens to him. He's nothing to me anymore. This whole little incident just proves why the baby had to be given up. I can't trust him.
"He's nothing to me anymore." I tell her, putting my food in the bin and the plate in the dishwasher. Before I left my mom would do that, she would tidy everything up for me. I got used to doing it on my own, I can't go back to that way. I need to keep busy, to stop it hurting so much. I don't see my mom much, she works now. She still speaks to Pucks mom, very briefly. Apparently, she hears stuff about the baby. I don't want to hear, I gave her up. I don't want it. There's a reason she's not with me, in the spare bedroom next to mine. There's a reason the baby shit my mom brought was unused, because I didn't want the baby. Puck might have said he wanted it, but this little thing he's done proves why he isn't a father, why he doesn't have a child.
I go to my bedroom. It's exactly like I left it. I dreamed of the day I could sleep in my bed, but when I could, it wasn't as great as I was expecting. It was cold, and it was lonely. The clothes in my wardrobe made me sad, reminding me of what I used to have. I can fit in all of them now, but I have the scars on my stomach. The lines reminding me of what I want to forget. I don't get changed for PE with everyone else, I don't want them being reminded of last year. I spent the summer on my own, I turned my phone off and went to stay with Fran, until she announced she was pregnant, with a baby girl. She had her last month, apparently, she was quite pregnant. I stayed for one whole week. I couldn't be around a baby. I don't like them, I don't want my own, anymore. I then went to stay with my mom's niece, Jane. She lives in Wyoming away from pretty much everything. I stayed there the whole summer, with my phone still turned off. I went to the local gym every day, after I was allowed. I got back my abs, that's what working out every morning and evening for 6 weeks did to me. They aren't as beautiful as they were a year ago, but there back. I helped with the animals, the cat liked me. I came back three days before school, just in time for Santana's party. I got really drunk, and ended up crashing at hers.
I don't dream anymore, I lay in bed waiting for the darkness to take over me. I wake up in a cold sweat, like I do every morning at 4AM. I go down for my glass of water. It's empty. I can see the bottle of Vodka in the sink, my mom's been drinking again. She does most weekends, but it's only Tuesday. I put it in the shelf, and I spot her on the Sofa. I cover her up with the blanket on the floor, so she's warm. She used to do it for me, when I was ill. I go back to bed, waking up with my alarm at 7. I shower and grab the apple. My mom's in the kitchen, eating her porridge oats.
"I'm going to visit Fran, Paul and baby Isabelle this weekend. Are you coming?" I shake my head, taking a bite of the apple so I have a moment to think of my excuse.
"I have homework." She looks at me. I have to see them sometime, but I just can't. I don't want to see my sister, we never got on anyway. She won't miss me. The baby probably cries loads. I sent a card.
"Quinn, it's Tuesday." I shrug.
"It could be the 31st of Bloody February, and it's not going to change my mind. I don't want to see her, I don't want to know about her. And I certainly don't want to see her." I say, leaving the house. I get in my car and drive to school.
I keep up the façade of being fine, I go to glee and I stay behind after school. I talk to the new kid, Sam. He flirts with me, and I do it back. I don't know why, I know I shouldn't, I mean I really shouldn't. The house is empty when I get in, I go straight to my room, my mom left a suitcase outside my room. I'm not going. She gets home around 8, as I'm watching TV. She bangs on about the trip to Indiana. I'm not going. She's convinced I will, but I'm not. She asks me about Puck, I tell her I don't speak to him anymore, but no he's still in Juvie. She leaves me alone. The phone rings, and I answer it.
"Hello." I sigh when I hear the voice on the other end. Fran. "Oh, hi Quinn. Is mom in."
"MOM." I yell. "It's for you." I say, putting the phone on the side as I walk off, I'm not speaking to Fran. I go and feed my hamster. When I came home, my mom asked if I wanted anything. She meant like food, but I told her I want a Guinea pig. She got me to, infinity and life. That's what I named them. I don't know where the name comes from, I feed them small amounts of lemon once a month. The internet said they can have a very small amount, so that's what they get. I always go to life, "when life gives you lemons. Make lemonade." Tonight, they get kale and pellets for dinner. I sometimes hide them in the room, so they can find them. They sleep in the room next to my bedroom. The rooms baby pink, and it's empty, except for their cage and toys. I pick infinity up, kissing her. Then I do the same to life.
I go back to bed. I don't wake up the next morning. I didn't bother setting the alarm, and on Wednesday's my mom goes out before I wake up. I get showered and feed my angels. I must get my vest from my mom's room, as I spilt juice down my clean one last night. That's when I see it. She's got a big blown up photo of Fran, and her family. The next to it, is me. And it. I hate it so I run out. Trying to erase the image from my mind. I look awful. The doctored said that I might feel alone for a while, but it's been four months. I shouldn't feel like this. I want to feel like Queen Bee again. Not alone. I go to school in a rush, signing in late. I get lots of questions from the rude receptionist. I don't put a reason for my absence. I don't have one. My teachers don't care, I don't have the concentration in the lessons. I tried, but I find it hard to concentrate. Even in glee, I am there drifting into my own world. I don't do my homework. My mom thinks I do. I go to my room and just lay on the floor. I don't have the energy to get up on the bed, and I can't be bothered to do the work. My grades are slipping, but I can't be bothered to bring them up. Everything's gone wrong, I'm not going to college. I want to drop out. I can't bring myself to care, what have I got to live for anyway? My family tolerate me, and I have no real friends.
I see Sam again, and he tries to get me to sing a duet with him. I can't, I have some sort of mini outburst, as he tries to kiss me. I go on about how I can't, how I can't do that to myself again. I honestly can't. I don't want to endure another year like last year. I miss glee, I'm not even sure if it was on. There's an unusual car out the front, as I let myself in. I go and see who my mom has over. I subtly go and get some water, trying to be sneaky about it. I don't want to be seen, but it's too late. They see me.
"Quinnie." The voice squeals. I roll my eyes. She doesn't understand what I said. Things were different, this just shows me how little she cares.
"Quinnie, Fran was in the area, just popping in." I roll my eyes as she comes out, with the baby.
"Oh yeah, right mom. Because Fort Wayne is just down the road. How could I forget?" I pretend to smack myself on the head. "how could I forget." I say. "Now as I said yesterday, I have homework. I didn't want to see Fran, I don't want to be here and I certainly don't want to see that kid." I say, going to my room and locking the door. I don't go down for the rest of the evening. I lay in bed, thinking. I caught a glimpse of the kid. I don't want to see her, it hurts too much. It physically aches. For the first time in months, I turn my phone on. People don't understand that I can't move on with my life. I can't forget the last year, no matter how much I want to.
There's nothing of any importance, most of them are old anyway. I have some drunken voice mails, mainly from Santana. I have a few texts from Puck. I don't read them, I just mark them as read. One day, maybe when I have more energy, I will read them. But right now, everything hurts, my heads a mess. I don't want to hurt Sam, he's nice and he's cute. I don't know how to feel about Puck, the screensaver on my phone is of him in makeup, something that I did with his sister, Sarah. I can't forget him, because I can't forget the baby. I've tired. I feel guilty, I hurt so many people and I just can't forget about the mistake I've made. It makes me stay awake at night. I can't sleep, even when I try. The thing I feel most guilty for is ruining my parents' marriage. I bet Fran blames me for that, I can't face her anymore. I blame myself, I can't look at myself in the mirror without wanting it to fall on me, and then maybe everything would be fine, an eye for an eye and all that shit. I avoid the house when I know she's going to be there. She's been up a few times, in the time I've been home. I honestly just don't know what to-do