The past…
She had just put Jack to sleep in Stan's study- the poor thing; his fever had reached 102 degrees and it had kept him up for hours. After tucking him in with a heated blanket and some soft music playing in the background, however, he was out like a light. Karen snuck out of the room as quietly as she could in her heels; the damn things could be heard from a mile away. She finally made it out of the dark study and closed the door ever so gently behind her. The brunette started to make her way down the hall when she stopped dead in her tracks and gave the door on her left a side glance… it looked as though repairman had already gotten to the doorknob and put it back into place- god he was too damn reliable. She wanted to pass it and go to the kitchen for her usual late-night, before-bed martini, but something in her wouldn't let her keep going. She knew what was about to happen, and she couldn't stop it. Slowly, and painfully, she reached into her pocket and pulled out the key… the key that would, once again, open the forbidden door. Slowly, she turned and walked the few steps it took to make it to that dreaded doorway. As she slid the key into the lock, a bone-chilling and all too familiar chill made its way down her spine. Carefully, as if she feared it would break, she turned the key and opened the door, looking into the dark and unforgiving room. It mocked her, really, knowing that she would never be able to put into that room what she should have been able to like so many other women in her life. With great hesitation, Karen flipped on the light switch and entered the forbidden room…
Slowly, she walked across the wooden floor, every step eliciting a creak, almost like the floor was moaning. No one had been in there in years so the sheer weight of her body was a feeling the wood hadn't experienced in a while. Dust covered every inch of every surface; every toy, shelf, and piece of furniture had a layer so thick it looked as though a fluffy film of snow had taken over. Karen walked slowly to the bookshelf where copies of "Goodnight Moon" and "Baby's Very First Animals Book" sat, waiting to be read by her to a little soul. She ran her finger along one of the shelves, leaving a clean line in the dust. Suddenly, she got to the rocking chair; oh how she longed for it to be used. A daydream started playing in her mind, and she pictured it so clearly, gazing at the chair and going into a sort of trance…
The room around her suddenly seemed so warm and inviting- the colors more vibrant and the toys and books clean and loved, without a trace of dust in sight. There she was, a new mom, sitting in the rocking chair with her baby. She had a daughter, a beautiful little girl with wisps of brown hair and green eyes like her mother. She held the baby close to her chest, their breathing and their heartbeats becoming one; she couldn't help the tears that welled up in her eyes. She was happy, and she had this little being to love and to care for. The baby started stirring, and soon began crying. Without hesitation, Karen opened up her shirt and undid her bra; the little one immediately latched on and began feeding. A content smile overcame the brunette's face and she closed her eyes, supporting the baby in one hand and stroking her fragile little head with the other. She gently began to sing, "Hush little baby, don't you cry"…
Karen snapped out of her daze when she heard Jack's voice from across the hall.
"Kare? Where are you? I want some cough drops but I can't find them… Kare?"
"Coming, poodle! I just… left something in here, I'll be right out!"
She took one last look around the room, the image of her daydream still alive and dancing around her mind. As she made her way for the door, she stopped at the crib. She adjusted the lining and brushed some of the dust off of it, trying to make it look as though it hadn't been abandoned and forgotten. She bent down and placed one hand in the crib where a baby would have been lying, and placed her other hand on her flat stomach. With tears in her eyes, she started talking to the empty crib…
"I am so sorry I failed you… I was supposed to give you a baby to keep you warm and to give you purpose but I couldn't do that…"
The hand on her empty abdomen started making little circles and she looked down with a solemn smile…
"I never even knew the feeling of being pregnant and that was something I had always wanted to experience. I knew that I would get fat and I knew that I would be miserable, but I wanted to have a little one grow inside me, to share my blood and to be next to my heart. I wanted to give a little soul life, and to bring into the world to raise and teach everything I know that is good in this world. I could've protected them and loved them with every fiber of my being…"
Karen stopped herself, for she knew this would only send her into another night of sobbing and drinking herself into unconsciousness. She wiped her tears and pulled herself together as she made her way to the door. With one last painful glance around the room, she shut and locked the door behind her, leaving the pain and the misery locked away in the cold and dusty room.