Somewhere on someone's phone is a disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. I saw this on the news and then crazy things ran through my tiny mind.
Burner Baby
"Thanks for letting me stay the night, Lana," Mallory sighed as she sat on Lana's couch drinking from some scotch. "I'm just so exhausted…"
"You need some rest," Lana said as she looked through a magazine. "A good night's sleep will make you feel better."
"No," Mallory said. "What will make me feel better is that my son wakes up from his coma and that Veronica Deane dies a horrible lingering death. Preferably from one of the mutated venereal diseases Sterling contracts every now and then."
Lana paused. "I'd be lying if I said I didn't share your opinion."
"What are you reading?" Mallory asked.
"Parenting magazine," Lana said. "There are a lot of good tips in here."
"Here's a tip," Mallory remarked. "Stock up on scotch and invest in a really good lock."
"This one is really scary," Lana said. "About burner phones and teenagers."
"Burner phones and teenagers?" Mallory did a double take. "Wait…Are you talking about teenage spies?"
"No, just regular teenagers," Lana explained.
"Regular teenagers have burner phones?" Mallory was stunned.
"Yes," Lana read the article. "Seventy percent of kids hide online behavior from their parents. Many of them now use burner phones, often purchased without their parents' knowledge to keep their social lives secret. By only using the phones connected to Wi-Fi, teenagers can circumvent phone charges and conduct their business discreetly."
"This is a thing now?" Mallory was stunned. "Huh. I guess this next generation isn't as dumb as I thought."
"Apparently there is a booming underground market in high schools from kids selling burner phones to other kids from their lockers," Lana said.
"Definitely smarter than I thought," Mallory groaned. "Even high schoolers are making more money than our agency!"
"Things like this make me dread the days when AJ is a teenager," Lana groaned.
Mallory did a double take as she saw something. "I don't think you have that long." She pointed over Lana's shoulder.
"What do you…?" Lana looked at where she was pointing. "What the…?"
AJ was sitting on the floor with some toys. And a cell phone in her hand. "Yeah I know…" She spoke into the phone. "Juice came alllll out of her nose! It was sooo funny!"
"AJ!" Lana gasped.
"Dukes…" AJ winced as she realized she'd been caught.
"Where did you get that?" Lana did a double take. "AJ!"
AJ's eyes widened. "Gotta go." She shut off the phone.
"Who were you talking to?" Lana asked as she went over to her daughter.
"Michele," AJ said innocently. "She's in my school. She's nice."
"Is she rich?" Mallory asked.
"Mallory!" Lana snapped.
"It's a valid question," Mallory said. "AJ has a birthday coming up. You have to invite the rich kids to get good presents!"
"That's not the…" Lana groaned. "AJ give me the phone!"
"Kay…" AJ did so.
"AJ you shouldn't use Mommy's phone when she's not…" Lana did a double take. "This isn't my phone. Whose phone is this?"
"Mine," AJ said.
"How did you get a phone?" Lana shouted. "You're only three! How did you get a phone?"
"I dunno," AJ said innocently.
"AJ where did this phone come from?" Lana asked.
"I dunno," AJ said.
"You don't know?" Lana looked at AJ skeptically. "You don't know where you got this phone?"
"I dunno…"
"Are you telling me…?" Lana snapped. "The magical phone fairies just flew around and dropped some phones around the house! Is that what you're telling me?"
"I got it at the agency," AJ said.
"Phone fairies never come to the house, Lana," Mallory remarked.
"Not helping!" Lana snapped.
"Not offering," Mallory countered before taking another sip.
"So, you got this phone at where I work?" Lana asked. "From who?"
"Shouldn't that technically be from whom?" Mallory asked.
"Mallory!" Lana snapped.
"Just trying to teach the child good grammar!" Mallory protested.
AJ said. "Better grammah…"
"Touché," Mallory admitted before taking another drink.
"Where did you get the phone AJ?" Lana sighed.
"I dunno…"
"Okay obviously I'm not going to get any answers from you…" Lana sighed as she looked at the phone.
"In hindsight Lana," Mallory said. "Even I learned that interrogating anyone under six is pointless."
"I'm going to trace this phone," Lana said. "It's probably one of Krieger's…Oh dear God! Please let it not be one of Krieger's! AJ you are in serious trouble! We are going to have a talk once I figure this out!"
"Ughhhh…" AJ groaned.
"You do the crime, you do the time," Mallory said. "And boy do your mother's lectures take time."
"Mallory watch her while I figure out where AJ got the phone," Lana sighed as she took the phone into another room. "And make sure there's nothing inappropriate…Or psychologically scarring on it…"
"Why am I being punished?" Mallory asked as Lana left the room.
AJ looked at Mallory. "You said snitching was bad. Why did you do it?"
"Sorry kid," Mallory said. "Didn't mean to rat you out."
"Dat ok," AJ pulled out another phone. "I got another one."
"You got two burner phones?" Mallory did a double take.
"They had a sale," AJ explained. "Always get a backup."
"You're not wrong. Seriously Abbiejean," Mallory said. "Where did you get those phones?"
AJ told her. "Uncle Cyril's credit card."
Mallory was stunned. "Let me see if I get this straight. Somehow you figured out how to get two burner phones charged to Cyril's credit card without him knowing about it?"
"He was sleeping," AJ told her.
"Passed out more likely," Mallory groaned. "Hang on. A company actually sold you burner phones? You don't even sound like a grownup! How is that possible?"
"I said my name was Cheryl Tunt," AJ said honestly.
Mallory grinned as she hugged her granddaughter. "You're gonna make one great spy someday kiddo!"