Just another bad day
Their wedding day...Our anniversary.
How am I supposed to survive this day? I had to be a bridesmaid at the wedding I feared the most.
My cousin was going to marry the love of my life. I act like I do not care but to be honest... it's killing me. Sam was the best thing that ever happened to me, and also the worst.
Today is going to be the hardest day of my entire life, November 5th... Ohh I used to love this day. Until now.
The day Sam and I got together exactly 5 years ago, I thought this day would mean something to him, even though we broke up.
I miss being Sams everything, being the person he loves. I am not even sure if he even remembered what day it was, that November 5th was supposed to be our day, not theirs.
Their wedding was going to be held at the tribal council house. Emily was getting ready at my house, while Sam stayed at theirs.
I was on my way to him to give him the rings... thanks to being a bridesmaid. I was not sure about seeing him in his wedding suit. It was a silent inside his house that surprised me. I thought the boys would be here, but I was wrong, again.
Oh I really hate my life, I mean c´mon I did not even know how to survive their wedding, yet to see him alone.
"Hey, Leah."
I nearly cried when he said those two words to me, he had not talked to me in ages.
"Hi Sam, you are looking good." He really did, I tried to force a smile on my face.. but I guess he just knows me too well.
I gave him those rings and tried to get the hell out of there. But he stopped me.
No luck for Leah Clearwater.
"Thank you, Leah, for doing Emily this favour. I know its hard and I know it hurts but I am proud of you."
Proud? Of me? I was shocked why would anyone be proud of me? I was pathetic, just a broken-hearted girl, that was not able to get over the boy who broke her heart.
"Proud? What are you talking about, there is nothing to be proud of."
"There are a lot of things to be proud of. Leah, you are the strongest girl I know."
He stepped closer and I just wanted to touch him.
"Every other girl would be broken, I mean c´mon you have to deal with so much shit. I always knew you were strong but you really surprised me, in a good way of course."
I had a sad smile on my face. He really had no idea how hard I tried to seem okay, just to not hurt him. He would be miserable if he knew how I really felt.
Well, here goes nothing.
"Thank you, Sam, but really there is nothing to be proud of, you think I am not broken but I am. I'm in pain every day, all the time. It kills me to see you with her. To know that you love her. I mean I know that you loved me, but you love her so much more. To know that I am the bitch in this story. I make your life hard, but I can't help it. I'm trying, I really am. But it hurts, I can not think straight when it comes to you. Because I love you. You are everything.
Everything I ever wanted and the best thing I ever had. I am happy for you.
I am because I love you enough to want you happy."
I was a crying mess by the end of my little speech, but I needed him to know.
Even though I knew it was hard for him to hear about my pain, he was Sam after all.
His facial expression showed me that I was right. This time he was the one who was in pain, and I was the reason why. Great Leah, you ruined his wedding day.
And then something happened, something that I thought would never happen again. He hugged me, he held me in his arms for the first time ever he imprinted. I held briefly onto his suit and cried like a baby.
"I know you are hurt Leah, but you're wrong. I think about you all the time, you are the girl who owns my heart. I mean Leah you're the most amazing woman I know. I wanted to give you everything and all I could give you is pain. But I know you are strong and you can survive this shit. I am going to marry Emily and I'm happy about it. Don't get me wrong I do love you and I'll always do. But Emily is the one I want to spend my life with. Believe me, Leah I want you to be happy. I can not wait for the day when you will start to smile again and I mean a real smile, not this fake one you use all the time.
You are so important to me, please believe I am here for you, just talk to me whenever you want."
He whispered the last part and I couldn't stop crying. I lost him a long time ago, I knew there was no chance for us, since the day he laid eyes on my cousin. I could not help but remember what day it was.
"It is our day Sam,November 5th has always been our day. I know it is your wedding day. But this day is supposed to be ours. The day we started dating five years ago. The day we slept together for the first time, four years ago and the day I moved in three years ago. Why would you marry her on this day, Sam? I just don't understand, you say you love me and you care for me. But you don't act like it. Now I always have to remember that this day and our past mean nothing to you."
I knew that he had no idea what day it was, and the moment I looked up and saw his face I knew that I was right. I pulled away. I had waited years for the day he would touch me again and now I was the one who pulled away.
He tried to say something, but I stopped him.
"Its okay, you don't need to say anything. I knew you wouldn't care about any of this." I ran out of his house without looking back.
I ended up on top of the cliffs, like always. I thought he would have forgotten about our day, but to know that he really did almost killed me. One moment he tells me he is still in love with me and in the next one he forgets about the one day that matters the most to me. I sat on top of the cliffs for hours. It was already dark outside when I got home, but I was alone.
Everyone was still at the wedding and I knew I had to do something now.
I went to my room and collected everything I needed, and then I got in the car.
When I reached the border of La Push I felt relieved.
At that moment I knew, I would never come back. Of course, I would never forget as well but I promised myself to be happy again.