"I've been doing a lot of thinking, and seeing her with him, god it hurt so much. And I took her for granted, before I got shot. And I can't really blame her, I was never steady, and she'd known that, everyone at work knew that. Natalia and I had that obvious thing, I lost my badge during a hookup, which became more of a habit rather than a here or there occurance.
I feel awful, thinking about all the woman I've hooked up with, not thinking about how it might affect her, affect us. Affect what we could have been. So it's not really fair of me to be jealous, especially since she's been through so much with relationships. With Hagen killing himself and Jake coming and going. Its also not fair for me to imply myself when I say she deserves better.
Because she does deserve better, deserves better than who she's been with, deserves way better than me. And I know I don't deserve her, but I wish there'd be some way for me to show her that I wouldn't want to hurt her. And I know she knows that I'm different than I was when I got shot. I haven't been with anyone since then, whether it be hooking up or a short month long relationship. There's just been too much going on."
"Before it seems that you would cope with sex, but how are you coping now?"
He sighed and shook his head, "coping is a word with so many different meanings. Now, I don't really know how I cope. Work I guess, and coming to therapy has helped. But I still find it hard to fall asleep at night, sometimes it's because I'm wide awake and other times it's because I'm exhausted but keep having nightmares."
"Are the nightmares about being shot?"
"Kind of," he took a breath, "I guess I just feel like, this is so pathetic, but a lot of them are about her. About her getting hurt, about me not being able to help her because of the repercussions of being shot, or the issues with the Russian mob and my past. It's like I want to be there, I want to help her, I want to show her that I love her, but at the same time every time I try I just wind up hurting her. In the end, I just want her to be happy."
"Do you think you've always had these feelings?"
He chuckled, "yea, there's always been that sort of tension between us, but neither of us really commented on it."
"So you've never really addressed your attraction?"
He continued smiling, "the first time I met her, I wasn't a CSI yet but I was able to help with a case. And the first thing I ever said to her was 'so do you wanna give me your number now or later.'"
Even after all these years, he couldn't help but laugh at himself for that.
"So she doesn't know anything else? She doesn't know how you feel now?"
"I mean, after getting shot, there was an obvious shift in our relationship. I think we both came to realize how fragile life is. And she's always had my back."
"Do you think you'd ever want to talk to her about this, about your feelings?"
Eric shook his head, "my friendship with her means more than anything to me, and I'd rather be able to keep her, even if just as a friend, than lose her because she doesn't love me like I love her. She means the world to me, she deserves to be happy, even if it's not with me."
She wasn't supposed to hear that, she wasn't even supposed to be here. Horatio had instructed Eric to grab the rape kit for processing from Alex after his appointment, since it was in the same building. But there was a break in the case and she needed the sample immediately.
That, and she wanted to see Eric.
And in turn, she felt a bit guilty for listening, but she had gotten off on the wrong floor and went in search for some sort of direction, but instead found Eric's voice. She'd been wondering if he was okay, even though she knew he wasn't, and in all honesty she only continued to listen because she needed to know what was going on.
She was supposed to get off on the 4th floor, not the 6th. And in search for directions to the Special Victims Unit she instead found directions on which path she should take within her and Eric's relationship.
She got busted though, when the door opened and she saw Eric smile at his therapist, who confirmed she'd see him in three days. When he turned and saw her, he was confused but offered a warm grin, "Cal what are you doing here?"
"I uh," she was still trying to wrap her head around what she had heard, and by the way she was lost for words at such a simple question, it was obvious that she'd overheard what he'd said. She knew it, he knew it, but either he was really good at pretending that it didn't bother him(and this is Eric Delko we're talking about, he loses at poker before his first turn), or he actually didn't mind. Calleigh went with the latter, leaving that fact that she invaded his privacy unspoken.
"We got a break in the case, and I needed the rape kit right away. I got off on the wrong floor."
Eric chuckled, "yea, 6th floor is for mental health, 4th floor is for rape vics."
She nodded, a nervous smile on her lips, "right." It was quiet, before she spoke, and the silence wasn't exactly uncomfortable but there was an elephant in the room(and it is the 6th floor, so anything's possible) that needed to be addressed.
"How about you come over tonight, we can order pizza, we haven't done that in a while."
He ducked his head questioningly, "you sure?"
She rolled her eyes with a smile, "yea that's why I asked."
He chuckled, "alright, sounds good. After shift I'll meet you in the locker room."
She nodded, "yea, locker room. After shift."