This was my vm-santa fic over at livejournal. Thought I should share it.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Just playing.

Veronica didn't know what to think. Why hadn't he called? Why hadn't he tried to see her? And where the hell was he now? She thought that he cared about her, but he obviously didn't. He didn't care enough about her to come and see her after she nearly got raped and killed.

Maybe he had been serious. Maybe he really couldn't take it anymore. Maybe it really hurt too much. But didn't he say that he would always be there for her? That he would be there if she ever needed anything? And didn't he try to catch the rapist and keep her out of harm's way? He had cared yesterday, so why not today? What made that change? Why wasn't he there?

She needed him right now. Yes, she admitted it. In this very moment she needed him more than she ever thought she would. More than yesterday when Mercer found her. More than when she was drugged and defenseless. Now she felt more vulnerable than ever. When she had been in danger, her mind hadn't been able to think things through because she just wanted to survive and get the hell away from him. But now that she was alone, everything was coming rushing back to her.

She could have been raped. She could have been killed. She could have never seen him again.

So where was he? From all she thought she knew about him, she would have expected nothing to keep him away from her right now.

Maybe something important happened. But what was more important to him in this moment than being there for her? She was concerned. For him. She should feel so many other things right now but all she could do was be concerned.

If she had had an epiphany last year when she found out about the bus driver's affair, then this was even more than that. She did want to trust him now. But he made it so hard for her if he wasn't there when she needed him. Yes, she needed him, now more than before. Why hadn't she told him that right away? Maybe she had been scared. Maybe she had been too surprised to respond.

The first thought that occurred to her, after she had finally calmed down and thought about her situation, was about him. She didn't like how things ended and all she wanted to do right now was let herself fall into his strong arms and feel safe. She never said it to him but whenever he was near her, she felt safer than she could have ever felt before.

But this was also why she didn't tell him. If she did, she would have been admitting that she needed him. And if she relied on him, sooner or later, he would leave. Everybody did. That was just how her life worked. There had been a time when she relied on others, but that was such a long time ago, and she didn't know if she could ever do that again. And when he inevitably left her after she had counted on him so much, she would break down.

She had done it for her own protection. To maintain the few shattered fragments she became the day Lilly died. But now she saw that this self-protection hadn't helped her at all. She had still been hurt. He had broken up with her and she got hurt. So what did it matter now if he knew what he meant to her? She didn't want things to end with him and if she ever knew something with all her might, then it was now. And if he didn't come to her she would have to go to him. She had to find him and tell him all the things she never could say before.

The events of yesterday were just the tip of the iceberg. So many things had happened to her and surely would still happen to her, but it was only now that she realized how short life really was. She should have seen it sooner, but better now than never. She needed to taste every single moment of her life like it said in so many movies and songs and commercials. Even if it meant that she was cheesy, she had to. Maybe this was the last remaining part of the old Veronica; the best friend of Lilly and the innnocent daughter of the sheriff.

It was time to find him. But where should she start? Where could he possibly be? And who would know where he was? Who was left that cared about him other than her?

Maybe Dick knew.

Okay, Veronica. You have officially lost your mind. You can't really consider asking Dick.

But she still phoned him. It didn't matter to her, if this was how she would find him. Find Logan, and see him again.

To say that she was surprised when she heard a particular voice picking up the phone, was an understatement.

"Yeah?" Someone said with a sleepy voice. Even if it wasn't that early in the morning anymore, the person appeared to have woken up just minutes ago.

"Mac?" Veronica asked disbelievingly. "Is that you?"

Flashback

"Somebody has to take care of him."

"Why are you looking at me? You can't possibly think that I would do it. Have you lost your mind? Why don't you do it yourself, Piz?" Even though she didn't mean to, her voice hinted a critical tone.

"Because I don't know him at all. But you do."

"So? Just because you don't know him doesn't mean that you can't drive his drunken butt home."

"Well, I could, if I hadn't had so much to drink."

"Why did you even buy that big beer cup?"

"Come on, Mac! This is a party. Just because you didn't drink doesn't mean that others didn't either. Just drive him." Piz said, exaggeratingly.

"Fine! Whatever." She turned to look at the person on the couch. He was slouched in the middle of it, nearly covering it in its entirety so no one could sit beside him. As if somebody would have wanted to do that. He didn't look too well.

"I can't believe I'm actually going to do this," she muttered under her breath.

Getting rid of these stupid boys who thought that her t-shirt was some kind of a pick-up line? Easy game. Catching a rapist? No problem! But driving a drunk Dick Casablancas home? Apocalyptic didn't even begin to cover it.

Mac awoke to the sound of the phone ringing. She tried to ignore it, but the person calling wasn't giving up so easily. She tried to pick up the phone without having to open her eyes but failed. It fell down with a loud noise, too loud for Mac's hung-over head. She groaned and reached down for the receiver.

"Yeah?" Mac was still so tired that she didn't register that it wasn't her phone she was holding in her hand. Well, not after she heard Veronica on the other end.

"Mac? Is that you? What are you doing at the Neptune Grand?"

Her eyes immediatley flew open. As she took in her surroundings she was sure she still had to be sleeping. This was all just a dream. She would wake up any minute and remember the unrealistic dream she had about her sleeping in Dick's hotel room with – wait - i no clothes on/i

Mac quickly hung up. She was too shocked to even consider telling Veronica a lie about how she got there. Well, she couldn't have told her the truth, now could she? That she was lying in the bed of Dick Casablancas with nothing covering her but a thin blanket? That she couldn't remember how she had gotten into this situation? That the last thing she rememberd was having a drinking game with Dick?

What the hell? Mac had just hung up on her? And why was she at Dick's? Veronica would have to talk to her as soon as she had this whole Logan thing sorted out. It was more important right now. So she couldn't ask Dick, obviously. Who was left? Who would know where Logan was or what had happened to him?

It was then that her phone rang. She answered it without hesitation, hoping it was him.

"Logan?"

"No, sweetie. It's me

"Hi Dad," she said, not very happy to hear that it was only him.

"Uh, honey, about Logan…"

"What about him?"She asked anxiously. "What do you know?"

"He's at the Sheriff's Department right now."

"What? Why? And ... and how do you know that?"

"I still have some friends there. They called me because I told them to if they ever had to arrest my daughter's boyfriend.Anyway, Logan did something very stupid."

"What is it Dad? What did he do?"

"He got himself arrested to go after Mercer."

"He did what?"

"Honey, I'm afraid that's not everything."

"What, did he put him in the hospital?" It was meant to be a joke, but she heard her father coughing at that comment.

"Mercer died in the hospital. Before they could stop him, Logan beat him up so badly before they managed to stop him that he had to be taken to the hospital. They didn't notice his internal bleeding and he died soon after. I'm so sorry honey."

Veronica couldn't move.

Logan had killed somebody. He had always feared that he would become his father, and now it had happened. He had beaten someone to death. Logan was a killer. He had killed the man that raped several girls and then tried to rape and kill her, too. He deserved it. But she would have preferred for him to rot in prison for the rest of his life. He got away too easily. She knew that Logan hadn't intended to kill him. That wasn't the Logan she knew.

But could she live with that? Could she live with the thought that the person she loved had killed somebody? Sure, she loved her father, and she knew had killed someone before, but it had been in self-defense; it was different when her dad, a cop, killed someone in the line of duty. Even if Logan hadn't intended to kill Mercer, he hadn't done it for his own protection. He had done it for revenge. And perhaps, in some twisted way, for her protection too, but that still didn't justify it.

Veronica was so wrapped up in her own thoughts, she didn't realize that her father was still on the phone and practically yelling at her.

"Veronica? Veronica! Can you hear me?"

"Huh? Yeah, Dad. I'm fine. There was somebody from the post office at the door. He had a package for one of our neighbours and wanted me to keep it for them. Where are you right now?"

"I had to take this case -- bail-jumper in Boston. I'm so sorry I can't be with you right now."

"It's okay dad. Anyway, I have to hang up now. Love you, Dad. Bye."

She didn't even give him a chance to respond before clicking her phone shut.

Veronica didn't know if she could forgive Logan and live with the thought idea of him being a murderer, but she needed to see him. And that meant that she had to go to the Sheriff's Department.

Flashback

"Come one, Dick! Just get in the car!"

Mac had been struggling with Dick for several minutes now. Every last one of her friends had already left (okay, they wanted to catch a rapist, but this was serious work too), and now she had to deal with Dick Casablancas herself.

Finally they were both in the car and she started the engine.

"Where do you live now anyway?" Was he still living at home? Alone in that huge mansion?

Dick mumbled something incoherent while drooling on his shirt.

"Eww, gross. Could you try to keep your liquids inside? I'd appreciate it."

"Just drive me to the Grand." He managed to get out in a slur.

Great! As if this night wasn't already bad enough. Now she had to go to the place she'd sworn to herself she'd never see again. But where else could she take him? He was probably staying at Logan's. So Mac did the only thing she could think of and drove over to the Neptune Grand, the place where her ex-boyfriend had tried kill her friends, then killed himself. To make matters worse, it was his brother in her passenger seat right now. If Mac didn't know better, she would have thought that she was in a soap opera. Unfortunately, this was her (somewhat twisted) life. She had to deal with it like it was.

They managed to get there without much talking. Dick was in his own world, not really realizing that it was Mac who was driving him. She could hear him mumbling incoherently, but didn't bother attempting to decipher what he was trying to say. It was nonsense anyway.

Mac parked her car in front of the hotel. She planned on getting Dick out of her car and into his suite in less than ten minutes, and then she would be on her way to her own bed.

But things didn't go as planned. It took her more than five minutes just to get him out of her car. He was one heavy man that didn't want to move at all. And Mac wasn't that strong of a person herself.

After he finally relented and got out of the car on his own, they both moved towards the entrance and over to the elevator.

"You're staying at Logan's, right?"

Dick didn't really say anything and just went past her. She was about to hit him on the head for being such a jerk when she heard something like a yes.

Inside, Mac frantically pushed the button to the penthouse while Dick slumped to the ground.

She couldn't get away from him, or this place, fast enough.

The elevator stopped at the penthouse and Mac stepped out but Dick made no effort to follow her.

"Come on Dick! Get your big butt out of the damn elevator!"

"Chill, Mackie."

"Just get out and into your room so I can get home myself."

"Home..."

"Yeah, home -- the place where you have all your stuff and where you always return to. Now get up!"

Eventually he managed to do as he was told, but Mac had to prevent the doors from closing until he was finally out

"Where are your keys?"

"Keys? Keys! They must be somewhere..." he trailed off while searching his pockets. He pulled out some keys which appeared to be the ones for his car.

"Not these keys, you idiot! The card for the door of the hotel room."

"Oh, yeah. You're right", he giggled and pulled out the card.

Inside the suite, Dick headed straight for the couch while Mac stood in the door hesitantly. She had done her duty and should be able to leave now, but could she even do that? Could she leave Dick alone in the state he was in right now? Sure, there must have been other times like this when no one had been there for him, but could she live with the guilt if something happened to him?

She looked at Dick hesitantly. As if he could feel her stare, he looked her straight in the eyes. Smirking, he put his hand beside him on the couch, carressing it invitingly.

"Dude, here is plenty of space left, y'know?"

Okay, maybe she could live with the guilt.

Mac turned around and headed for the door but was stopped by his voice, now more serious and soft.

"I'm sorry."

Did she just hear right? Did Dick Casabancas apologize to her?

"I'm sorry?" She knew that she probably sounded dumb right now, but she didn't care. Dick fucking Casablancas hadn't apologized to her. No freaking way!

"I said I'm sorry. Are you dumb?"

"I must be if I'm not hallucinating right now."

"What? Can't I apologize?"

"No."

"Well, I did."

"Kay, I gotta run."

"Hey, wait! You can't leave me alone."

"Why not?"

"Dude, I am drunk and could possibly choke on my own vomit."

"But you're sober enough to realize that. You obviously can't be that drunk."

"Just stay, man! What is your problem...? You know what? Forget it. Forget I ever asked. Just go and leave me alone. Go!"

The first thought that occured to Mac was to do just as she was told. Leave him and never think about this night ever again. Imagine that it never existed. But Dick was probably right. She couldn't leave him alone right now. Well, maybe she could, but she didn't want to give him the pleasure of her going away if that was what he wanted right now.

"No. I'll stay."

"Women," Dick huffed, "they can't make up their mind."

Mac walked over to him and sat on the couch beside him.

"So what are we going to do now? If I'm going to spend the rest of this night here, there should be something in it for me."

"We could have a drinking game."

Mac laughed at him but immediately stopped when she saw that he was being serious.

"You're joking."

"Am not. Come on dude. It's just a game. What could possibly happen?"

"I don't know why I am doing this, but fine. Whatever."

Something obviously had happened. Otherwise she wouldn't be lying in his bed right now with no clothes on.

Mac didn't know how she got there. The last thing she remembered was starting the game with him and then everything turned into kind of a blur. Why the hell had she even given into him? Why had she started playing with him? Maybe she had inhaled so much of Dick's breath that she somehow got drunk too. Was something like that even possible? At least it was more rational than her wanting to play with him. That would make her insane. But really, she already was insane.

Mac knew that she couldn't stay and wait for him to wake up. She got up, carefully avoiding disturbing his sleep and went to search for her clothes. They weren't piled somewhere on a chair like she usually left them, but they weren't spread all over the floor either. Maybe nothing had happened. But then why would she have taken off every article of clothing?

This was clearly not how she had imagined she would lose her virginity. She couldn't even remember it.

She couldn't get out of there fast enough.

Veronica had done her magic once again. She wasn't even sure how exactly she had done it but they had let her go into the Logan's cell, despite the fact that he was being charged with murder. She probably was just lucky that it was Sacks who was in charge today. Lamb was still wrapped up in the actual rape case. Sacks had never really been able to stop Veronica.

As she walked into the cell, she could see a figure sitting on the lower bunk, his back hunched and his face in his hands. He didn't look up as she entered and she wasn't sure if he had even noticed her entrance.

"Logan?"

The person looked up and his expression immediatley changed. Veronica could swear that she saw a flicker of angst before it turned to anger.

"What are you doing here?"

She hadn't expected this kind of behaviour when she thought about their meeting. Logan's whole demeanor practically radiated rage and hurt.

Veronica didn't respond. She didn't know how to approach him.

"I asked you something. What the hell do you think you're doing here? Get out! Stay the hell away from me!"

What the fuck was he talking about? Why was he so angry with her? Did he blame her for having killed Mercer? Did he believe it was her fault that he went after him and killed him?

Veronica just looked at him in disbelief. What was wrong with him?

"What is wrong with you?" she asked, hurt.

"What is wrong with me? With me? I should ask you that! You are the one that is in a cell with a murderer!"

Veronica finally got the point. He wasn't really angry at her; he was angry at himself for turning into his father, and was afraid that he would hurt her too.

Veronica simply walked over to him and pulled him in an embrace. Logan didn't respond to it at first, most likely too shocked to realize what she was doing, but then pushed her away from him.

Veronica tried not to show her hurt.

"You're not fooling me; I don't care what you did."

"Of course; Veronica Mars only thought of herself while trying to figure me out. I should have expected that. This is not about you Veronica."

"Then what is it about?"

"I care about what I have done. I killed somebody, Veronica. This is not like last summer when everybody accused me of murder when I was innocent. I'm not. I did kill somebody this time."

"But you didn't mean to."

"Yeah, I didn't, did I?" He sighed and and went back to sit on the bed. Veronica followed him shortly after.

"I don't know if I meant to kill him, but I surely wanted to make him suffer. After I heard what he tried to do to you... what he did to you… all I could think of was making him pay. I wanted to hurt him so badly; like father, like son."

"You are not your father."

"I'm not? Of course I am. Don't you remember when I was voted 'Most likely to become a murderer' in the yearbook? 'Most likely to become his father' was in a close second."

"I never believed anything like that about you."

"I thought so. Listen, Veronica. You have to stay away from me. I...I just don't want to hurt you."

"You already did, Logan. When you broke up with me, you broke my heart. And just mere minutes ago when you tried to shut me out, you did it again. I need you. I know we have tried it so many times now but give us another chance. Third time's charm right?"

"How will I know that you can live with what I did? How will I know that it will be different this time? How will I know that you really trust me now? And that I won't constantly worry about disappointing you? That I'm enough for you?"

"You have to believe me."

"But do you even believe yourself?"

Comments are Love!!!