A/N: Please R and R and let me know what you think. First part of
hopefully a warm and fuzzy Carby fic.
THERE'S MORE TO LOVE THAN WORDS
1: I'm sorry
Sometimes love is not what it seems. You can love someone with all your heart and never have that kind of love returned to you. Right now at this point was how I felt. I had loved with all my heart and never had that kind of love returned to me. That was not to say that I was never loved. I know that I had been, but not the way that I wanted it to be. Abby loved me, but somehow the love that we had for each other did not seem to be enough to overcome the obstacles that had been throw in front of us by life.
We both carried an insurmountable amount of baggage. Her baggage was from her previous marriage to Richard, her bi-polar mother and dysfunctional family. My baggage came in the form of being shipped to boarding school at a young age because no one wanted to deal with me, from losing my younger brother to Leukemia, the unspeakable abuse that I suffered as a child. Everyone thought that because I came from a wealthy family that my life had to have been all roses, but that just was not the case. Life for me was more than far from perfect. Money cannot buy you everything, and I do not think that I ever tried to have it. I tried so hard to escape the life of the rich, but relied on family money more than I wanted to.
Now here I was in the middle of Africa, wondering where I had gone wrong. There was something that I had done wrong with my relationship with Abby and I did not know if things would ever be right between the two of us. There was so much that was unsaid between the two of us. I wanted to make it right. Find the place that we had seem to stray so far from so long ago. As much as I did not know if that was possible, I knew that I did not want to give up completely on the two of us. I hoped that she felt the same way that I did. I was not ready to return to Chicago quite yet. There were things that I wanted to do here before I left. I also wanted to make sure that I had something in Chicago to return to before I made the decision to turn my back completely on the place that I used to call home. I sat down with a pen in hand, paper in front of me. I had sent a letter so long ago and realized that I had made one of the greatest mistakes of my life sending that letter.
Dear Abby,
I know that I hurt you when I wrote to you last. For that, you will never see how sorry I am. I have done a great deal of soul searching trying to understand why I did what I did. There are no easy answers to explain why I sent it to you. I hope that you can find it in you to forgive me for the pain that I have caused you.
I lost my way when my grandmother died. And it felt like a part of me died when she did. She was the greatest thing in my life, next to you. You will always be the greatest thing that ever happened to me Abby. But when I left Chicago, it seemed that all hope of us finding our way back to each other was lost. I do not want it to be that way. I know that we cannot just pick up where we left off, there has been too much hurt between the two of us, words that we have spoken in anger that we cannot take back, actions that should have been taken that now cannot be.
What I am trying to say, now that I can see I am rambling like a lovesick fool, is that I am sorry Abby. Sorry for not explaining why I left. I have searched my soul for days now, trying to understand everything myself. I know why you had to go and get Eric as if you did the day Gamma left us, but it does not make it any easier to understand that you were not there for me when I needed you the most. You were right to put your family first, and I should have tried to be more understanding at the time. Right now, I need you to be patient with me. Try to understand that my life is in turmoil and I am trying to sort everything out, to find the path that I need to be on in life. This is not easy for me to tell you. I want you to know Abby that I do love you, that I have not forgotten you. Your face is the only thing that I see when I close my eyes.
Abby I cannot say when I will be returning to Chicago; right now, I do not know for sure myself. What I want to know is will you be there when I get back? Can we try to work out the things that are keeping us apart from each other? I love you Abby, I always have and I always will. You have my heart Abby.
John
I finished the letter reading it over to myself before finding the nerve to send it. I did not want everyone at the hospital to see it and I did not want to wait forever for it to get to her, so I had it sent overnight to her. I hope that she would read it and find it in her heart to answer. The waiting was going to be hard, but I felt that it was something that I just had to do.
THERE'S MORE TO LOVE THAN WORDS
1: I'm sorry
Sometimes love is not what it seems. You can love someone with all your heart and never have that kind of love returned to you. Right now at this point was how I felt. I had loved with all my heart and never had that kind of love returned to me. That was not to say that I was never loved. I know that I had been, but not the way that I wanted it to be. Abby loved me, but somehow the love that we had for each other did not seem to be enough to overcome the obstacles that had been throw in front of us by life.
We both carried an insurmountable amount of baggage. Her baggage was from her previous marriage to Richard, her bi-polar mother and dysfunctional family. My baggage came in the form of being shipped to boarding school at a young age because no one wanted to deal with me, from losing my younger brother to Leukemia, the unspeakable abuse that I suffered as a child. Everyone thought that because I came from a wealthy family that my life had to have been all roses, but that just was not the case. Life for me was more than far from perfect. Money cannot buy you everything, and I do not think that I ever tried to have it. I tried so hard to escape the life of the rich, but relied on family money more than I wanted to.
Now here I was in the middle of Africa, wondering where I had gone wrong. There was something that I had done wrong with my relationship with Abby and I did not know if things would ever be right between the two of us. There was so much that was unsaid between the two of us. I wanted to make it right. Find the place that we had seem to stray so far from so long ago. As much as I did not know if that was possible, I knew that I did not want to give up completely on the two of us. I hoped that she felt the same way that I did. I was not ready to return to Chicago quite yet. There were things that I wanted to do here before I left. I also wanted to make sure that I had something in Chicago to return to before I made the decision to turn my back completely on the place that I used to call home. I sat down with a pen in hand, paper in front of me. I had sent a letter so long ago and realized that I had made one of the greatest mistakes of my life sending that letter.
Dear Abby,
I know that I hurt you when I wrote to you last. For that, you will never see how sorry I am. I have done a great deal of soul searching trying to understand why I did what I did. There are no easy answers to explain why I sent it to you. I hope that you can find it in you to forgive me for the pain that I have caused you.
I lost my way when my grandmother died. And it felt like a part of me died when she did. She was the greatest thing in my life, next to you. You will always be the greatest thing that ever happened to me Abby. But when I left Chicago, it seemed that all hope of us finding our way back to each other was lost. I do not want it to be that way. I know that we cannot just pick up where we left off, there has been too much hurt between the two of us, words that we have spoken in anger that we cannot take back, actions that should have been taken that now cannot be.
What I am trying to say, now that I can see I am rambling like a lovesick fool, is that I am sorry Abby. Sorry for not explaining why I left. I have searched my soul for days now, trying to understand everything myself. I know why you had to go and get Eric as if you did the day Gamma left us, but it does not make it any easier to understand that you were not there for me when I needed you the most. You were right to put your family first, and I should have tried to be more understanding at the time. Right now, I need you to be patient with me. Try to understand that my life is in turmoil and I am trying to sort everything out, to find the path that I need to be on in life. This is not easy for me to tell you. I want you to know Abby that I do love you, that I have not forgotten you. Your face is the only thing that I see when I close my eyes.
Abby I cannot say when I will be returning to Chicago; right now, I do not know for sure myself. What I want to know is will you be there when I get back? Can we try to work out the things that are keeping us apart from each other? I love you Abby, I always have and I always will. You have my heart Abby.
John
I finished the letter reading it over to myself before finding the nerve to send it. I did not want everyone at the hospital to see it and I did not want to wait forever for it to get to her, so I had it sent overnight to her. I hope that she would read it and find it in her heart to answer. The waiting was going to be hard, but I felt that it was something that I just had to do.