The Technicalities of Legal Copyrighting, a harry potter fanfic

Author's Note: Behold: more crack!

Disclaimer: I own nothing recognizable. The vast majority of copyrighting interrelations are entirely fictional. This is meant as parody, so don't take it seriously. No disrespect was intended to existing persons, legal systems, religious organizations, or products born of the above.

Technicalities of Legal Copyrighting™ in the Universe®

"You know," Albus Severus Potter© said, finally deciding to voice the thought that had struck him at the age of eleven when he had been filled with that "mysterious, warm fuzzy sort of feeling™" upon glancing at a certain blonde eleven-year-old. "Don't you find it weird how we're so widely paired together?"

Scorpius Malfoy© Potter (who had taken his boyfriend's last name because, of course, Potter© was a wonderful world-saving heroic name and the name Malfoy© was dastardly and horrific and evil) only spared Albus Severus© (who was always referred to with his first and middle name because, of course, no one wanted to be confusing him with the other Albus©, or, worse, the other Severus© who'd been his grandmother's True Love™) a fleeting glance. "You mean the way, exaggeration aside, there're already well over a thousand fan fictions, fan vids, fan arts, etc. etc. out there that accept us being each other's True Love™? No, not really."

Albus Severus Potter© was scandalized because, of course, True Love™ was a very, very sacred and special thing that only happened about once every generation. Except in the world of fiction. But if one is in the world of fiction, said world of fiction is not a world of fiction, and since no one really knows whether they are a hero or sidekick or villain or classmate or random-person-with-a-few-words-to-say-that-drastically-alters-course-of-story or random-person-with-a-few-words-to-say-that-are-so-ordinary-that-they-really-are-never-thought-of-again or extra, True Love™ was still not to be trifled with. Even if one lives in a world drowning in way too much True Love™, it could still be taken away at any moment, so True Love™ remains sacred and precious.

Scorpius© went on. "Honestly, it was sort of obvious. The fans don't care that they no nothing about us. They know your father and my father, and they were so upset by that epilogue, because it meant that they couldn't make them get together afterwards, so instead they made us get together. It's sickening, really, the number of people who wanted your father and my father to find True Love™."

Albus Severus© sighed. There really was no arguing with that. "Yeah, and there's you and Rosie©, too. Maybe even more of that than you and me."

Scorpius© waved a hand dismissively. "Of course. But really, you and I have True Love—Rose and I don't, not at all. Can't you tell?"

"Hey, you missed the ™ on the True Love™ up there. And you might not want to forget to keep Rosie©'s copyrighted. Could cause serious legal issues."

"Not really." Scorpius© sounded rather bored. Anyone could tell that his and Albus Severus©'s relationship, being rather forced by the unquestionable force of True Love™, was not a very exciting one. "They're so busy trying to figure out who it belongs to, they don't have time to go running around finding one missed case. Why do you think it's True Love™ as opposed to True Love®? And besides, Rose©'s copyrighted to Ms. Rowling®-"

"Hang on! How can she be-?"

"Famous people. Don't want to get under their toes too much. They'll sue you for anything. And the court system'll let them, because the Rules of Publicity℠ say they must."

"Out of curiosity, who claims rights to the Rules of Publicity℠?"

"No clue. God℗, probably. Things've gotten really messy since the Universe® went legal."

"GOD℗ IS-"

"Yes, and He℗ has full rights to Himself℗, but only when His℗ name is spoken aloud, before you ask."

"...Just carry on. I'm getting a headache."

"As I was saying, Ms. Rowling® is far too busy growling at another fan who overstepped copyright issues, so she probably won't notice that I forgot one little copyright mark after Rose©'s name once."

"I'd feel better if you fixed it anyway. After all, you're my one and only True Love™, and I couldn't stand it if anything happened to you." The slight, vague hint of Sarcasm™ (owned by Cain©, who is copyrighted to innumerable Holy Texts℠. There has been many a War® (don't even ask) over ownership of the contents of such carefully documented sources, and therefore Holy Texts℠ such as the Bible™, Quran™, Torah™, Vedas™, etc. are trademarked to many, many fighting organizations which are so numerous that the rights will likely never be reserved by a single party) said otherwise.

"If you insist: 'But really, you and I have True Love™—Rose© and I don't, not at all. Can't you tell?'"

Albus Severus© nodded approvingly. After all, being the son of a World-Saving Widely-Worshipped Hero® (the rights to which, by the way, are held by President George W. Bush (who, for some strange reason, isn't copyrighted). The world tried to argue that the rights ought belong to the first human who saved another after humans discovered the Wonderous Conscious Thought℠, but as said person could not be reached, Bush received the rights anyway. Half the world is still protesting), Albus Severus© was rather inclined to stick to the law. And he was rather inclined not to ignore his boyfriend, even if they had been forced together against their will by the amazing and unchallenged force of True Love™, and the topic under conversation was one of the most boring ones possible.

"How so?"

"Well, see, you and I've only got the Harry Potter©/Draco Malfoy© fanbase to support us."

"What about the Hero©/Villain® fanbase?"

"Yes, that too." But Scorpius©'s words contrasted dramatically (in Albus Severus©'s mind) with his hand, which was waving dismissively. "But half of that is made up of Homophobes®, and they automatically move to pair me with Rose©."

"Who-"

"Before you say a word, God℗ has rights to Homophobes®, because why else would he make it so that only heterosexual pairs could have children?"

"Population control?"

"Hm. You've got a point. Maybe he just patented Homosexuality® because he's having fun? I hear he and Lucifer™ got it on last Christmas™, and horrible things happened."

"Lucifer™-"

"Oh, that. God℗ tried to buy all rights to him. It didn't work out. Turned out Lucifer™ valued owning himself. They're still going on about it. Why do you think we're enduring a minimum of three Natural® disasters per day?"

"You mean it's not normal? And who owns-"

"Not at all, and please stop asking. It's bad enough that God℗'s fighting with the Devil™ over who gets the rights to the Devil™."

"It really is a shame Lucifer™ protested. I would've liked to see the Devil™ owned by God℗. Would've made the World® a whole lot more interesting."

"And lopsided. But that would've been fun. Back to Rosie® and me. Now that we've established that the Hero©/Villain® fanbase is of no consequence, you'll understand when I tell you that the fanbase supporting me and Rosie® is far larger than that supporting you and me because it's backed by both the Draco Malfoy©/Hermione Granger® fanbase, and the Draco Malfoy©/Ginny Weasley© fanbase. They were both relatively large. Which is why you and I share True Love™, since we're backed by one fanbase that leaves our support only slightly, if at all, lacking in comparison with the Scorpius Malfoy©/Rose Weasley© support."

"I see." Albus Severus© didn't sound like he cared about that very much anymore. And indeed, he didn't. "So, why's Chistmas™-"

"Ah. Last year, Cupid® and Santa Clause© got it on and while they were drunk and rather occupied with each other St. Patrick™ bought Chirstmas™ from Santa®. Oh, and in case you're wondering, Cupid® bought St. Patrick's Day™ in retaliation, and that's why Cupid® owns that. Though I couldn't possibly explain to you why the Spirit of Thanksgiving® owns the Summer Solstice™."

"No bloody way."

"Hm, I see you haven't been reading the newspaper for the past few weeks. Then I take it you don't know that God℗ currently is the legal possessor of Hell© and Dumbledore© belongs to your father?"

"WHAT??"

"Oh yes, he and Ms. Rowling® had quite the battle over that."

"Scorpius?"

"You forgot I'm copyrighted to Ms.-"

"Damn all copyrighting-"

"All Damning™ is owned by the Tooth Fairy®, I hope you realize."

There was a long silence, in which we can only assume that an explosive train wreck occurred in the brain of Albus Severus Potter©.

"Scorpius."

"I take it that this is serious, and you're deliberately-"

"Yes, I'm deliberately ignoring all copyrighting laws!"

"Ah. What is it?"

"I think I'm in love with you."

A long pause.

"Did you seriously mean to leave out the copyrighting?"

"Yes! I seriously mean that I suddenly looked at you and realized I'm in love with you."

"...Al?"

"Hm?"

"If Ms. Rowling® decides to challenge our rights to address each other and talk about each other without using the copyright marks, I'll personally fight her."

"Really?"

"Really."

And that was how the two men finally shared true love's first kiss, and the author of this story was arrested for breaching a great many copyright laws. To everyone's surprise, it was not the lack of copyright symbols following names, or True Love's First Kiss™.

The author had neglected to realize that Bill Gates® owned all rights to question marks, and was sued for "a shocking number of breaches of the same copyright law in a single work of...creative writing."