Disclaimer…I don't own nothing.

Author's Note…This story is totally inspired by Helen Fielding's Bridget Jones' Diary and writer bardvahalla's "The Very Secret Journal of Dr Gregory House and Co." This story is mine, the idea is not. Oh, and the timeline may be a tad askew. That said, please review!

Martin

Day 1… Annoying Reminders that My Mama is dead…8 (Nobody asked)…Annoying Reminders that my dad is in Iraq-Next-To-Iran…14 (Everybody wanted to know when I was going home…had to guilt them into letting me steal their food) Walked into v. large house today. Just walked around. Didn't knock. Didn't say hello. V. annoying girl asked me if I was Skankmon's friend. Sure, why not?

Day 2…Annoying Reminders that My Mama is dead…5 (V. Bad)…Annoying Reminders that my dad is in Iraq-Next-To-Iran…9 (I was still hungry)…Aunt Slutty Socks announced that we are moving to a strange new town called "Buffalo" to start anew. How anew can it be? We have only been living here for two days!

Day 4…Told v. annoying girl am moving to "Buffalo." She said "noooooooooooooo! EVIL!Mary resides there! With her EVIL! hubby! And EVIL! spawn! You'll be under her influence of EVIL!" Am thinking this "Buffalo" she speaks so terribly of is better than the apparent insane asylum that is Glen Oak.

Day 7…Annoying Reminders that My Mama is dead…2 (Dismal)…Annoying Reminders that my dad is in Iraq-Next-To-Iran…6 (Meh)…Moved in with CrazyCamClan. Aunt Slutty Socks has no use for me in "Buffalo." Drat.

Day 9…Hot Pockets! These people multiply like rabbits! Lucy and her Hot!Robot!Hubby! have been procreating. I do not know how this could have possibly taken place, as Hot!Robot!Hubby! seem to be v. keen on chastity, as he mentions quite often.For Unnamed Deity, they live in frickin' treehouse next to a house that belongs to the church! Oh well. Will not ponder this. Brings up too many dirrrrrty images in brain.

ARGH! BORING! Will skip ahead some odd years to present day mad hotness.

MEISHOTMEISHOTMEISHOTMEISHOTMEISHOTMEISHOTMEISHOTMEISHOT

Day 1,866…Annoying Reminders that My Mama is dead…16 (Magnificent!) …Annoying Reminders that my dad USED to be in Iraq-Next-To-Iran…10 (Dang, I'm on a roll!)…Drat. Mr. Ed-I mean Sandy is preggers. Better stick head in sand!

Day 1,868…Nobody seems to care that I am being a menace to Sandy, Meredith, and Screwthie. Ha!

Day 1, 961…Am done with annoying reminders.

Day 1,962…I lied! Ha!

Day 1, 965…Bought special underwear from Internet. Says on buttocks: Holy Territory. Sweeeeeeet.

Day 1, 966…A lad that went by the name of Matt visited today. He says he is in medical school, but I highly doubt this. Medical school students do not have this much free time on their hands. He does however, have extremely greasy hair. Ewww. Much unlike my hair, which, like me, is perfect in every way.

Day 1,969 (69! You get it? 69! Ha!)…Another greasy-haired person came by today, but his name was Wilson. He and Reverend Eric(a) are secretly having a torrid affair. I walked in on them. And stared.

Day 1,970…Am missing special underwear! Drat!

Day 1,971…Just found out that special underwear is actually for girls. Well, they fit me just fine. Don't know what the difference between girls and boys is anyway.

Day 1,975…Had v. long and boring conversation w. Screwie. She came up to me:

"I want to date a boy your age to send a subtle message that I really want to date YOU."

"I want to date a girl your age to send a subtle message that I really want to date YOU but Mr. Ed is preggers and I'm supposed to be in denial about it anyway."

"I understand."

"I know. Many a anvil has been dropped onto my head about how observant and smart and pretty and mature and sexy (your dad told me so) and hot and brilliant and you have so many opportunities and how sassy and sultry and nice and courteous and nurturing and sweet and lovable and cute and fashionable and talented and risky and moralistic and idealistic and attractive and brilliant you are."

"And nosy. Why did you lose your virginity anyway? Without your virginity, you can't be Holier than Thou! I NEED you to be Holier than Thou!"

"DUH! A Plot Contrivance!"

"But…but it's totally out of character! We've already had November sweeps and we still don't know why you lost your hidden treasure!"

"Out of character? Sweeps?"

"Oh, um, nothing. Never mind. I'm just going to go out with a boy who's supposedly your age even though he looks like he's at least 25 and I'll keep our fans pacified for a while, mmkay?"

"DEAL!"

Fans? Well, it is no surprised to me that I have fans, but Screwie? Ew.

Day 1, 979…Spotted Annie and Lucy-Goosey eating chocolate cake today. The Twins-That-Share-One-Mind told me that this was a celebration for getting laid. How do they know this? And why was I not laid?

Day 1, 982…Spotted Screwie eating chocolate cake. OH NO! If she's not a virgin, what will she give her husband on her wedding night? What else does a woman have to offer besides her virginity? Teen sex! Virginity! Teen sex! Virginity! Teen sex! Virginity! Teen sex! Virginity! We just don't talk about it enough!

Day 1, 985…Asked Screwie if she still had flower. She said yes. Hot!Robot!Hubby! came in and started to talk to Screwie about sex AGAIN. He needs a life and to stay out of his sister-in-law's flower power. Screwie didn't seem to mind though. Ew. Why am I ATTRACTED (did you hear me? I'm ATTRACTED to her!) to her anyway? Is it her soulless eyes? Her empty heart? Hmmm. Something to ponder.

Day 1,986…Why, look who came today! It's my former best friend/lover, Mac! I was very excited to see him. We hung out in the treehouse doing stuff. I miss Mac.

Day 1,987…Mac left. He hasn't even called me. Need heaping mounds of chocolate.

Day 1, 990…Saw Mac "escorting" Harriet (BTW, this was a v. popular name in the 40's and 50's) around the town hot spot, the Promenade. Mac is such a whore.

Day 1, 992…Called Mac sixteen times but didn't say anything. Drove by house numerous times. Left lots of flowers on doorstep.

Day 1,995…Got restraining order from Mac, another one to add to my collection. Mac: 0, Martin: 6. HA!

Author's Note…So, that was different! I'll accept any reviews so please do! Thank you and please tell me if I should update!