"Betraying You"
By Dorthey Star
* * * *
Having all the friends around should have made her feel better, but it didn't. Lily was beginning to doubt if she would ever feel better. She sat in the front pew, her coarse black dress itching her. The baby in her lap wailed, knocking Lily out of her reverie.
"Shhh. It'll be over soon, Harry," she whispered and brought the baby closer to her. She felt all eyes on her, and could almost taste the sympathy. She averted her eyes to the ground as the preacher continued his talk about what a great guy James Potter had been and how much they were all going to miss him. The next part was the part that Lily had been dreading, and yet looking forward to the most. Sirius got up from the pew behind Lily and made his way to the front, only pausing for a moment in front of the casket, before turning to the congregation.
"There's not much I can say about James that you haven't already heard or felt yourselves," he started out, uncertainly. As charismatic as he was, he always hated speaking in front of large groups of people, and this was no exception. "James was like my brother, and always has been since we started Hogwarts together. He never showed his fear that first day, when we were so uncertain as to what the sorting ceremony was going to consist of. Sometimes I think he was disappointed that it was only trying on a hat.
"James was the most fearless person I knew. Even when Dumbledore told him that Voldemort was after him and his family, he still showed no fear. He got everything in order, and that was that. I suppose he didn't have time to be afraid, it happened so fast. But maybe he wouldn't have been afraid even if he had the proper amount of time be scared.
"When we were in our fifth year, I did something that I've never forgiven myself for. I put a fellow student in danger, which almost cost him his life. When James had heard what I'd done, he showed no fear, but rescued this student, who was our biggest enemy. Later he said he was just trying to impress Lily, but I knew that it was much deeper than that. Saving him was the right thing to do, and he did it simply on that basis. Had it been me, I don't know if I would have done the same thing.
"The last time I talked to James was three days ago. I didn't think it would be the last time I talked to him, but I suppose we never think those things. However, I was given the chance to tell him that he was my brother. He said, 'Stop being such a sentimental sap, Padfoot. It doesn't suit you, and might scare all future Mrs. Padfoot's away.' I knew, though, that it was just his way of returning the thoughts. He was never one to voice what he felt easily.
"I'll miss James very much, and there won't be a day that goes by that I won't think of him. But I remember him saying to me once that when he died he wanted me to look after Lily and Harry and to not act like a fool over him. So I'm going to do the best that I can, and hope that I don't disappoint the greatest man I knew." He turned to the casket and whispered, "We'll miss you, Prongs," before returning to his seat. The last bit of control that Lily had over her crying broke, and she started to sob as the preacher gave the final prayer. A frail hand rested on her shoulder and squeezed it gently.
"Please rise," the preacher said, and this was Lily's cue to leave the church. Lily stood up, but her legs were shaky and would support her. Instantly Sirius was by her side, helping her to walk. Arabella Figg, Lily's long time neighbor, took Harry from her arms and the three of them walked out of the church together.
* * * *
The next few days went by in a blur. Lily stayed at Remus and Sirius's apartment because they didn't trust her to be home alone. Arabella took Harry in whenever Lily needed time to herself, and Delilah Henry, Lily's boss, told her that she could take as much time of f of work as she needed. Lily was really grateful for all the support she was getting, but sometimes it felt like too much. She just wanted to get away from everyone, but they wouldn't let her because they felt that she might be suicidal.
Late one snowy November night, Lily had enough. All she wanted to do was go and take a short walk around the block, but Sirius was acting like she had said that she wanted to go jump of the nearest bridge.
"SIRIUS BLACK! All I want to do is take a WALK around the BLOCK. There aren't any bridges near!" Lily yelled.
"Lily, it could be dangerous. I don't know what I would do if I lost you, too! And think about Harry! He'd have to go through life without either of his parents!" Sirius returned. Lily glared at him.
"Sirius Black. Do not bring my son into this. This is the last straw. I'm moving back into my house in the morning." With that, she turned and stomped back into the bedroom and slammed the door. There was silence for a few minutes. The low rumbling of two voices broke the silence. Ten minutes later, the door opened and Sirius sat down on the bed next to Lily.
"Lils…I'm really sorry for the prat that I've been lately," he mumbled. Lily allowed him a small smile.
"It's okay, Sirius. This kind of stuff changes everyone, and it's just natural for you to be over protective of me," Lily said softly. Sirius gave her an odd look.
"That's really strange, you know?" he said.
"What's strange?"
"You…you're acting like some sort of- of psychiatrist who's not directly- or even remotely- involved in this, and yet you are," he said, studying her face.
"It's just my way of dealing with it Sirius," Lily said moodily. Sirius reached over and hugged her.
"I'm sorry for offending you," he said, his breath tickling her face. Lily tensed. The feelings were back. Three months before James's death, Lily started to have doubts about whether James really was the one. She was beginning to wonder if she was really in love with Sirius instead. Lily gently pushed away, a faint blush creeping onto her face.
"It's all right, Sirius. I'm really tired, so I think I'm going to go to sleep. Goodnight, Padfoot," she whispered.
"Night Lils," he said as he left her room and turned off the light. It was half past two in the morning before Lily went to sleep.
* * * *
The next morning she was up before dawn, packing all of her stuff. Remus came into her room when he heard the commotion.
"What's going on?" he asked sleepily as he rubbed his eyes.
"I'm moving back into the house. I can't stay here forever, and although I appreciate all you've done, I don't want to scare any girls away," Lily smiled and continued to pack her stuff.
"Lils, I haven't kept a girlfriend for more than a week in ages and Sirius…well, let's just say that he won't get up the courage to go after his love," Remus said and held up his hand when Lily started to ask who it was. "I'm not saying. I promised him I wouldn't."
"It's not like I wanted to know, anyway," she mumbled and snapped her suitcase shut. "There, that's the last of it. Would you be a dear and help me take some of my stuff?" She lifted Harry out of the crib they'd transfigured from a chair. Wordlessly, Remus handed her the cloak she'd left laying on the bed and picked up her suitcases. Lily pulled the cloak around her, finding comfort in the familiar scent.
"James gave this to me, you know. It was going to be a Christmas present, but it got cold early, and as I didn't have a proper cloak, he gave it to me early," she said quietly. Remus didn't reply, but led the way to the apparition point in the kitchen.
* * * *
Lily and Remus walked up the drive to the three-story house that stood on the snow-covered hill. Lily's heart started beating faster. This was the first time she'd been to the house in Godric's Hollow since it had happened, and the memories were coming back in full force.
* * * *
"Lily! It's him! Take Harry and go!" James yelled. Lily couldn't breathe for a moment. Then, all at once, her Gryffindor braveness took control.
"I'm not leaving you, James!" she said. James turned sharply to face her and grabbed her forearms.
"If you don't go, Harry will die. Do you want that? Do you? Just go! I love you, Lils," James said, pushing her up the stairs. Lily chocked back a sob. This was going to be the last time she ever saw him alive.
"I love you too, James. I'm so sorry," she whispered as she ran up the stairs. She grabbed a sleeping Harry out of the crib and apparated to the safety of Remus's apartment.
* * * *
"Lily. Are you okay?" Remus asked, noticing that Lily had stopped walking and looked very pale. She blinked several times and smiled slightly.
"I'm f-fine," she said in a very unconvincing manner. Remus continued to look at her for a moment before continuing up the walk.
* * * *
The house was just as she'd left it. The book she had been reading that fateful Halloween night was still laying on the coffee table where she'd thrown it. Someone- she suspected it was Arabella Figg- had come in and washed all her dishes, but had not picked up stray objects. Lily was glad because it meant that just for a moment she could pretend that none of this had happened; she could imagine that any moment James would walk down the stairs, pick Lily up, and twirl her around, as he often did. A single tear escaped her eye when James did not come down the stairs.
"Are you sure you want to say here by yourself?" Remus asked when he noticed her tear. She nodded.
"I need to get used to it. I can't wallow all of my life, you know. I've got a job to do and a son to raise," Lily said as she climbed the stairs. The upstairs was completely untouched, Lily noticed as she entered the master bedroom. The bed was still unmade and dirty clothes littered the floor. Lily chocked back a sob when she saw James's Auror robes lying on the floor near the bathroom door where he'd flung them off. Her bottle green dress robes were lying in a crumpled heap by the wardrobe where she'd changed into her pyjamas. Remus took Harry from Lily's arms as she broke down, clutching an old tee shirt of James's.
"Why, Remus? Why did he have to d-do this? Why is J-James gone?" she sobbed. He sat down on the bed next to her and put a comforting arm around her.
"Voldemort is an evil bastard, that's why, Lily," Remus said quietly. Lily's sobs were the only noise that broke the silence for several minutes.
"Won't you stay for breakfast? I think I still have some edible food. You can invite Sirius, too. If one of us isn't there to cook for him he'll end up having macaroni and ketchup," Lily said briskly as she stood up and wiped her eyes.
"And what's wrong with macaroni and ketchup?" asked a voice from the hallway. Sirius walked into the room. Remus laughed.
"Everything, that's what. We'd love to stay, Lily, and if you don't have any food I'll send Sirius to go get some. Better yet, I'll get some myself. Merlin knows what Sirius would bring back," Remus said as they headed down the stairs, all trying to ignore the reminders of James.
* * * *
Lily apparated into Remus's living room, holding a crying Harry. Remus walked into the living room from his bedroom after hearing the crying child.
"Lily? What are you doing here? Is everything all right? Where's James?" he asked, hurrying over here.
"He came. J-James stayed. Told me to g-go," Lily said, the tears finally spilling.
"Oh fuck," Remus said, hurrying to the fireplace. He threw floo power in and yelled Sirius's cubicle number at the Ministry. Lily sat down on the couch, holding Harry, and cried, watching Remus talk to Sirius.
"What's wrong, Moony?" Sirius asked.
"It's Voldemort. He came. Lily and Harry are here, but James..." Remus trailed off, but Sirius understood what he didn't say.
"SHIT! That fucking traitor!" Sirius shouted.
"Sirius!" Remus reprimanded. "Go to Godric's Hollow with a team of Aurors. I'll be here with Lily and Harry." Sirius didn't say anything, but must have followed Remus's orders because a moment later Remus turned back from the fireplace. "Would you like some tea, Lily?" he asked, heading for the kitchen. Lily continued to cry and did not reply. Lily was not sure how much later it was when Sirius arrived, but when he did, he looked grim.
"I'm so sorry, Lily," he said, and pulled her into a bone crushing hug. "He's gone," he added in a whisper. Lily broke down once again and Sirius held her as he cried. She was only vaguely aware of Remus placing a hand on her back.
* * * *
Lily sat up in her bed, drenched in cold sweat. She had been dreaming of that night for three weeks consecutively. She sighed. Sleep wasn't going to come again. She pulled on her dressing gown and stepped out onto the small balcony. The full moon was still high in the sky and basked everything in the cool moonlight. She wondered what her friends were doing right now. She hadn't seen them in three weeks, but they were very predictable. Remus would be somewhere safe while he was a werewolf and Sirius…well, Sirius was the unpredictable one. He was leading the investigation of Peter, who was being tried as a Death Eater and passing on information to Voldemort. Lily sincerely hoped he rotted in the depths of Azkaban. A crying from Harry's room brought Lily out of her reverie and she made her way to Harry's room.
Lily and James hadn't gotten around to decorating Harry's room before that Halloween night, although they had already decided on Quidditch murals painted on the walls by Lily, whom had a talent for painting. In the week after she'd left Remus and Sirius's apartment, Lily had worked on the room almost nonstop and had finally completed it. On the only wall that didn't have a window or doors, she had painted James as the Gryffindor Keeper, making a spectacular save. On the walls surrounding were various other Quidditch players that James loved, including Ludo Bagman as a Beater.
Lily picked Harry up and hugged him close.
"Shhh. It's all right, love," she whispered as she rocked him. "I know you miss him, darling…so do I." A silent tear ran down her cheek and she wondered if the ach would ever go away.
* * * *
It had been a month since James had died, and Lily planned on spending the day at home with Harry. She was surprised when there was a knock at her door, and was even more surprised when she answered it and saw Sirius standing on her doorstep. She hadn't seen him in nearly a month.
"Sirius. What are you doing here?" she asked, stepping to the side and motioning for him to come inside.
"Why have you been avoiding us, Lily?" he asked and followed her into the kitchen where she had been cooking spaghetti, James's favorite meal. Lily stirred the sauce.
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Sirius," she said calmly, although she knew what he was talking about. Ever since her feelings towards Sirius had returned, she had avoided him and, consequently, Remus. She felt like being attracted to Sirius was betraying James.
"You do, too," he growled, then calmed. "Do you think that just because James…just because he isn't around anymore it means that we don't want to still be your friend? Well, Lily, here's a newsflash: you're our friend, too, not just the wife of our best friend." Sirius turned her around to face him. Tears had welled up in her eyes. She still missed James, but had also missed Sirius and Remus.
"I know, Sirius. That's not why you haven't seen much of me. It's just…there's this reason, you see, that I can't be around you anymore," she said, looking everywhere but at Sirius. He dropped his hands from where they had been holding her arms.
"What kind of reason?" he asked, taking a step back.
"It's just this…thing. This feel- oh, nevermind what it is. Can't you just respect that I can't see you anymore?" she pleaded, finally look at him. His face was oddly blank, not at all like the Sirius she knew and loved.
"Fine. I'll stay away… for a while. But don't expect me to stay away forever. Harry is still my godson, and you're still my friend," he said before turning and leaving. Dully, Lily turned and stirred the sauce once more, no longer hungry.
* * * *
"Happy birthday dear Harry," the crowd of people sang, "Happy birthday to you!" Two-year-old Harry giggled as the Lily brought out his birthday cake and set it on the table in front of him. Immediately two fat hands found their way into the cake. Lily laughed and returned to the kitchen to bring out the cake that had been made for the guests. Alice Longbottom hurried over to help Lily cut the cake and pass out plates. Once all the plates had been passed out and everyone was eating, Lily sat down next to Harry and watched him as he shoved handfuls of cake into his make. Smiling slightly she pushed a piece of black hair out of his face. Lily knew he was going to look like his father, even if he was only two. Except for his eyes. He had her eyes. Harry reached out a cake-filled hand towards her. Lily laughed.
"Why thank you, Harry," she said and took the cake from his hand and ate it. Harry clapped his hands together, obviously very pleased with himself.
"He's such the gentleman," said a quiet voice from behind Lily. She turned and saw Remus.
"Hello Remus," she smiled broadly and stood up to hug her. "I'm so glad you could make it."
"I wouldn't miss his birthday party for the world." Remus said and they stood watching Harry for a few minutes before Remus spoke again. "I brought Sirius with me, Lily. I know you said you couldn't be around him, but it's really hurt his feelings. Will you at least tell me why?" Lily sighed.
"Oh Remus. You'd think me awful if I told you why," she said sadly and stroked Harry's head.
"Lily, I've known you for many years. If I was going to think you awful, I would have already thought it," he said firmly. Lily was quiet for a moment.
"I…I think I'm in love with him," she whispered. Remus almost dropped the plate he was holding.
"You think you're in love with Sirius?" he asked quietly. She nodded, then, after a slight hesitation, continued.
"It started before James...well, before all of that. Then we had to go into hiding and I just sort of pushed the feelings away, you know? Then they came back the day I left your place. That's why I left. I felt like I was betraying James, and I just couldn't do that. I love James more than anything, but I also love Sirius. It's just all so confusing,. I needed to be away from him so I could sort things out," Lily explained quickly and quietly.
"Lily, he's always been in love with you, but he never acted on it because, well, it was common knowledge between the four of us that you were James's and Sirius would never do that to him," Remus said. A strange sensation filled Lily's stomach. Sirius was in love with her? It was too soon since James's death for Lily to start another relationship- she still felt like it was betrayal- but she knew that when she was ready, he would be there for her. Remus opened his mouth to speak again, but closed it again when Sirius walked up.
"Hallo, Lily, Harry," he said very politely. Lily smiled slightly and hugged him. He didn't respond to the hug at first, but once the shock had worn away, he returned it.
"I really am glad you came, Sirius. I know Harry is, too. He keeps saying "Pafoo," which is what he calls you," Lily smiled. Sirius grinned and let out a bark like laugh before letting go of Lily.
"I'll just leave you two to, uh, catch up," said Remus, smiling at the both of them before heading to the lounge where most of the guests had flocked.
"Lily, I-" Sirius started before she cut him off by placing a hand over his mouth.
"Follow me," she said and turned to head up the stairs. Sirius followed her in silence as they passed by the second floor and continued up to the attic.
"Why the attic?" he asked as she opened the trap door.
"I go up here when I want to be alone, and I don't want anyone to bother us. We'll only get a little while of privacy. I suspect Arabella has people checking up on me every so often, making sure that I'm not trying to kill myself," she said grumpily.
"You're not, are you?" Sirius asked, completely solemn for once. Lily let out a small laugh.
"No. Sometimes I don't want to be around people, you know? I just like my alone time. I know Arabella has my best interests at heart, but really." They had reached the attic. Sirius looked around and took in his surroundings, which had changed a lot since the last time he'd been there. The last time was when Lily and James had first moved in. There had been dust everywhere and dust cloths covered all the furniture. Now there was no dust and the furniture was arranged to make a little sitting area. "James and I used to come up here sometimes to just talk or have dinner. A lot of times we'd sneak up here during parties to just be alone," she said wistfully. Lily shook her head slightly, as if trying to clear it. "That wasn't what I came here up to talk to you about," she said, sitting down on one of the sofas.
"What did you want to talk to me about?" he asked, sitting on a sofa across from hers.
"I love you, Sirius, and I'm possibly in love with you," she said, looking everywhere but at him. "That's why I couldn't be around you. I felt like I was betraying James. I still do, a little. This all started before he…went away, but when we went into hiding I pushed it aside. Remus told me that you felt the same way about me, but never did anything because I was James's," she said, finally looking at him. He looked completely shocked.
"You know, I thought a lot about what could possibly have kept you from wanting to be around me, and never did that cross my mind," he said quietly. Then, after a moment's hesitation he added, "Dear old Moony was right." Lily sat in silence for a moment, thinking on how to word what she needed to say next.
"I can't start anything with you, you know. Not for a while, at least. I'm still grieving over James, and I just…I'd feel like I was stabbing him in the back," she said softly. Sirius looked at the floor and didn't respond. "However…I do think that later down the road something could come of all of this. I don't want to cut you out of my life, Sirius," she said, moving to sit next to him. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder.
"I know, Lils, I know," he whispered. Their moment was cut short by the opening of the trapdoor and Remus appearing.
"Arabella's looking for you Lily," he said. Lily sighed and got back up.
"I do need to get back to the party. Are you coming, Sirius?" she asked.
"In a minute," he said and watched as she left with Remus. He stood up and walked over to a large portrait of James that Mrs. Potter had insisted on having made when he had graduated from Hogwarts.
"Prongs old pal," Sirius whispered, "I know you asked me to look after her, but I don't think this is what you meant. Or, maybe it was. Just…let me have a sign to show me you won't hate me for eternity if something does come of Lily and me. I'd hate for you to have to beat me up the minute I get to heaven." Sirius looked at the picture for a moment longer before heading back down to the party.
* * * *
Sirius sat in his cubical, thinking about Lily. She had just owled to invite him to dinner that night, and he was still wondering if it was right. James died two years ago to the day, and still there had been no signs. Would there be a sign? He wondered. Just then Alice Longbottom knocked on the doorway of his cubical before coming in holding a vase full of lilies.
"Hey Sirius? Do you know a Mr. Gryffin that would send you flowers?" she asked as she set the vase on his desk. Sirius stared in wonderment at them.
"No. No I don't," he said at last. She shrugged.
"I must have been an accident then," she said and left his office. Sirius smiled as he looked at the card that said "To: Sirius Black From: JP Gryffin." He had his sign at last.
* * * *
"Mum! Sirius! I got my letter! I'm going to Hogwarts!" shouted eleven-year-old Harry Potter as he ran down the hall into his mother and stepfather's bedroom. Lily sat up in bed, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.
"What's all this racket about?" Sirius grumbled as he also sat up in bed. Sirius Black was not one to be pleasant in the mornings. A smile spread across Lily's lips as she comprehended what her son had just said.
"That's wonderful darling," she said and hugged him. Sirius grinned and let out a bark like laugh.
"With parents like yours, it's obvious that you were going to get in," he said and got up from bed, stretching. Lily laughed.
"Go wake up Eliza, Harry, and I'll make us some breakfast. I'll meet you downstairs in a bit," Lily said and Harry ran out the door to go wake his sister up. With a flick of Sirius's wand, the door shut and he closed the gap between them and kissed her. Lily pulled him back down to the bed.
An indeterminable amount of time later, Lily and Sirius went downstairs to where Harry and five-year-old Eliza were waiting.
"We want pancakes!" Harry shouted as Eliza started to cry.
"What's wrong, baby?" Sirius asked, picking his daughter up.
"I don't wanna have them!" she cried. Sirius grinned. He knew she was only saying that because Harry wanted them. Pancakes happened to be her favorite breakfast food. Sirius set Eliza back down and went into the kitchen to help his wife. He was busy mixing the batter when he noticed her staring at him.
"What? Do I have something in my hair?" he asked, reaching a hand up to flatten his hair. Lily laughed.
"No, your hair is perfectly fine. I was just thinking how much I love you," she said quietly.
"I love you, too, Lily," he said, and kissed her. Harry watched them from the table, smiling. He knew he couldn't have his father, but he was glad to have Sirius.
-fin-
Disclaimer: you know the drill. Nothing belongs to me; it all belongs to JK Rowling and a lot of other people. I'm making no profit. None.
Author's Note: This probably isn't canon compatible- there's so many things wrong- but that's why it's AU ^_^ Heh. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it, and even if you didn't, please review. Just don't be too harsh.