Metro Man was having a great Metro Man Day. After his speech, there were testimonials from the recently retired chief of police who'd worked with him for years, the fire chief, the governor (obviously there to borrow a little audience attention in advance of the upcoming election), his old elementary school teacher, a couple of people whose lives he'd saved, and the president of his fan club. Then there was a photo session, then autographs and selfies with fans. He was just thinking that, much as he was enjoying himself, he really ought to wrap it up and go get a meal before his interview at KMCP, when his phone rang. It was Frank Bonnin, anchor man and senior editor of KMCP News.
"Is Roxanne Ritchi with you? Her cameraman said she disappeared several hours ago, unexpectedly, with no explanation, and left her purse in the van."
"No, she isn't with me, and it's not like her to forget her purse. It sounds like she may have been kidnapped by Megamind again." The hero had been pleasantly surprised that Megamind hadn't tried to crash the party after breaking out of prison earlier today. Maybe something had gone wrong with his latest invention. In that case, she could be in real danger. "I'll have a look around for her."
"Please let me know what you find out. And thank you."
"No problem. Talk to you later." He ended the call. "Sorry, citizens," he said to the crowd around him, "but duty calls." There was general moan of disappointment as he rose into the air.
At the top of Metro Tower, he perched and closed his eyes. Hearing her voice from this distance wasn't difficult for him, but picking out hers from among all the voices currently speaking in the city required going into a kind of altered state. After less than a minute, he recognized her.
"Sushi?" she asked. "Doesn't Minion get weirded out by sushi? I mean, being a fish himself?" By the time she finished speaking, he knew where she was: in her apartment. But her question could only be directed to Megamind. He turned his X-ray vision toward her building.
Roxanne was there. She was barefoot, wearing her familiar pink bathrobe over a red corset and matching panties, sitting at her kitchen counter eating pizza straight from the box. Megamind was sitting next to her, also eating the pizza. He was wearing only his watch.
"Well, first of all, Minion is not a true fish," the blue alien replied. "He is... well, explaining that would require explaining our entire taxonomic system. You can ask him yourself if you're curious. Secondly, he is a carnivore. He eats less intelligent species of fish. We eat less intelligent species of mammal." He picked a disc of pepperoni off his slice, held it up for a moment, then popped it in his mouth. "It's no more weird for him than for us." Looking around the apartment for some way to explain this strange scene, Wayne discovered Megamind's costume, along with Roxie's red dress, shoes, stockings and underwear, on the bedroom floor.
"Us? Are you a mammal?" The covers had been cleared off the bed, and there were ropes wound into the headboard and footboard. Had he tied her up, or started to and then been distracted?
"Yes. Mammals are actually pretty common in this galaxy. Of the fourteen known intelligent species, eight are mammals, all originating from planets that have more or less the same range of species as Earth. This is clear evidence that they were all planted during some previous era and then nudged every few thousand years to keep their evolutionary processes parallel. The name of the phenomenon translates, more or less, as the Mammalian Diaspora."
"Wow. Okay, at some point I definitely want to know more about that, but closer to home, does that mean the condom wasn't just for disease prevention?" Wayne glanced back to the bedroom. There was a used condom in the wastebasket.
"It does. We're far enough apart that some genetic tinkering would be advisable, the kind I could easily do myself, to ensure healthy offspring, but accidental conception of nonviable or marginally viable offspring is all too likely." Green eyes gazed into blue with a look of worry and some slight yearning. "Is this... good news for you?"
"It's not bad news, but this is only our first date. I need a good long time of getting to know you better before I make a decision like that."
A glow of delight spread over his face. "You want more dates? Like this one?"
"Like this one but with more planning. Why don't - oh, damn it." Her shoulders slumped in irritation.
"What is it? What's wrong?"
"My calendar is on my phone, which is in my purse, which is still in the van."
"Oh, dear. Are you sure it's not back at Evil Lair?"
"It's not. I keep it in the van when I'm being filmed, and I was kidnapped just after we finished filming my Metro Man Day piece. No big deal. I'll get it when I go to do the interview with Wayne. Tell you what. Why don't you give me your number and when I get a chance, I'll call you?"
"Er-"
"Is that a problem?"
"Well, er, you see, Minion has always handled the telephony. He makes the calls and answers them. He only calls me to the phone if there's something I need to deal with personally. So I can't give you my number because I don't... actually... know it." He pulled his head down between his shoulders in almost a caricature of embarrassment. "Sorry."
"Hey, it's not that strange not to know your own phone number. People don't usually call themselves. Tell you what. Why don't I give you my number and you can call me? I should be finished up at work by seven thirty. In the meantime, I need a shower." Setting down her slice, which by now was little more than crust, she stood. "Care to join me?" she asked with a wink and a smile.
"Very much," the blue man replied, starting to rise. Metro Man looked away out of his habitual respect for citizens' privacy.
Their first date, huh? He started thinking. If Megamind had intended to call him out today and been sidetracked by Roxie, maybe this would become a regular thing. Maybe... and with that thought, a dream blossomed in his head, a dream he hadn't even known he had.
The end of the Game.
Until this moment, he hadn't realized how sick of it he was. The intrusion, inevitably timed to spoil a moment of good feeling; the trickery to be negociated; the battle; the rescue. Only the acclaim afterward held any appeal for him, and that now seemed to be his permanently. He'd still have to show up for the occasional ordinary crime, natural disaster or attack by the Doom Syndicate, although the latter were pretty much cleaned up. His little buddy was the only supervillain that really made trouble anymore. He could start to wind down his heroic career, put more time into his music. As he headed down toward Little Sicily (inspired by the sight of the pizza) he started thinking about whether the right appeal to Roxie could make that happen.
He kept his idea to himself all through lunch, the interview and the post-interview pleasantries with the station's staff. Then he offered to walk Roxie to the subway station. When they were finally out in the street, he spoke.
"So. You and the blue guy got something going?"
She wasn't surprised. "I told him you'd figure it out. He thought we could keep it secret from everybody. I do want to keep it as quiet as possible, though." She gave him as much of a pleading look as her dignity allowed.
"Hey, I think it's great that he'd rather make out with you than menace you. And I know you're a grown-up and entitled to run your own love life. So here's the deal I'd be willing to make with him. If he gives up attacking the city, trying to destroy me or run me out of town, and isn't evil to law-abiding citizens, I'll not only keep my mouth shut, I'll quit taking him back to prison. If he wants to continue shaking down lesser criminals or engaging in victmless crime, hey, that's not my beat." Arriving at the station entrance, they turned to face each other.
"I'll tell him," she said. "And thank you."
"No problem. And one more thing. That part about him not being evil to law-abiding citizens? That includes you."
She gave him the combination of eye roll and fond smile that meant she thought he was overdoing it but didn't really mind. "If I need help, I'll definitely let you know."