Council of Evil

by SawManiac211

Loki had thought that a united group of villains was the perfect solution against the Avengers. This wasn't the first time he had been proven wrong. Crack!fic involving characters from Death Note, Star Trek, Sherlock, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, the Avengers & Doctor Who, along with some political satire. Some characters may be OOC for comedic effect.

The Master

Moriarty

Loki – President

Khan

Voldemort – Vice-President

Nagini

John Kramer

Amanda Young

Hoffman

David Cameron

Nick Clegg

Gollum

Light

Misa

Ryuk

Malfoy

The First Meeting

WARNING: Some of these characters will be OOC. This is for comic effect – and political satire – so please don't come after us with flaming torches and pitchforks if you don't like the way a certain character/s is portrayed. Thank you. *Retreats to bomb shelter with beta Miss Buch*

To Loki, it had seemed like such a good idea at the time – and a very reasonable one at that; if his brother could have a group of heroes to back him up in his fights, then why couldn't he? Not heroes of course; that would completely ruin his chances. But a group of villains…

On reflection, it probably would have been a good idea to properly think about the consequences of this before blundering in, but until now he hadn't thought that there would be any, quickly assembling the group via separate Skype calls, which in themselves should have warned him of the problems to come. Looking around the table, however, Loki was starting to understand what a big mistake he had made: aside from the man sobbing and rocking back and forth in the corner, and the…thing…whispering and giggling to itself, everyone else was giving each other looks of mistrust which would inevitably end in violence.

Actually, scrap that: not everyone. One man, with a scar running nearly from the side of his mouth to his ear, was quite happily munching his way through the plate of blueberry muffins which had been placed in the centre of the table, paying no attention to the escalating tension and ignoring the disapproving glares coming from the icy-eyed man and brunette woman on either side of him. By the looks of things, there wouldn't be enough for anyone else – not that anyone looked like they really wanted to eat, despite all of them having ordered as soon as they had arrived. Once again, Loki kicked himself for choosing a restaurant as a meeting place, but that couldn't be helped. Deciding that it was about time to begin, he cleared his throat, and almost immediately regretted the action when twelve sets of eyes swivelled to fix themselves on him. This, of course, did not include the man sobbing in the corner; he did pause to glance up at the sound, but with a wail he resumed his rocking and crying. The good-natured-looking man he had come with tutted.

"I do apologise for him; he doesn't usually behave like this in public."

"I d-d-don't want to b-be here!" The other man lamented, his voice muffled by his head being buried in his arms.

"Neither do I," Growled the blonde man sitting three seats down from Loki, his fingers tapping out an irritatingly repetitive riff on the wooden table. "Some of us have things to do!"

"Like what?" Sneered the man sitting next to him, impeccably clad in a three-piece suit. "Buying a new packet of 'Nice n' Easy' to sort out your little hair disaster?"

The blonde rounded on him. "At least I don't buy my clothes from Tescos!"

The other man's eyes flickered over the blonde's black hoodie, skinny jeans and heavy work boots. "I don't think that you're one to talk – Adidas, was it? Or perhaps Primark?"

The blonde's hand went to his pocket and Loki hastily intervened, his voice sounding calmer than he really felt. "If we could stop acting like children, I'd like to begin the meeting." To his relief, the blonde retracted his hand from the slim weapon just visible from his trouser pocket, returning to beating out the rhythm that was getting on Loki's nerves. "Thank you. Now, before we officially begin I'd like to do a register to make sure that we're all here."

"Is that really necessary?" The high, cold voice directly to his left made him reluctantly turn to the slit-nosed man whom he had been trying hard not to look at: not least because he unnerved him, but also because the giant snake draped round his shoulders was majorly creeping him out. He had a feeling that it wanted to eat him.

"Better safe than sorry, right?" He risked a winning smile, which faded when it was not returned. The snake hissed, and he had a feeling that it sensed his nervousness and was laughing at him. "You are Voldemort, yes?"

"Yes, that is me." Voldemort confirmed, his 's's mimicking the noise of his snake. Shuddering imperceptibly, Loki moved on. "Gollum?"

"Precious!" The thing muttered to itself. "My precious…precious gone…"

"That's him." The blonde clarified.

"And you are?"

"The Master." The man next to him snorted. "Got a problem with that?"

"Master? Master of what? Clearly not of your fashion sense!"

Sensing the tension beginning to escalate once again, Loki promptly stepped in. "I presume that you're Moriarty?"

"Oh, you know me," Moriarty shot a mocking grin at the Master. "You see, my reputation precedes me."

The Master smiled tightly. "Yes, your little suicide was eye catching. At least I'm not stupid enough to do that, and allow my enemy to live."

"He's dead! Sherlock is dead!" The Master chuckled to himself. "What do you know? What do you know?"

Ignoring the two men, Loki moved on. "Khan?"

The man in question nodded stiffly. Even sitting down, he towered over the rest of the group, and Loki felt distinctly unnerved by that fact. Moriarty broke off from pressing a smirking Master for information to glance timidly at the man in question. "…You look very…uh…similar to a man I once knew…did I kill you once?"

Khan turned slowly to face him, his voice low and menacing. "If you had, you would have been the first to know."

Moriarty gulped. The Master leaned over, pleased at his rival's agitation. "Don't worry about it – the guy isn't dead anyway."

"WHAT DO YOU KNOW?"

Loki groaned, but moved on. "Amanda Young?"

The brunette sitting directly opposite Khan raised a hand. "Here."

"Mark Hoffman?"

The man answered indistinctly through a mouthful of blueberry muffin, crumbs spraying everywhere. "'M 'ere."

"For God's sake Hoffman, don't eat with your mouth full!" Amanda snapped. "It's like sitting next to a child!"

"I'm not a child!" Hoffman said petulantly after swallowing his mouthful and reaching for another muffin. "Can we get chocolate-chip muffins next time? I prefer those to blueberry."

"Give me strength," Amanda growled. "John, why couldn't we have brought Lawrence instead of this moron?"

"This 'moron' succeeded in manipulating you into getting yourself killed and taking over the Jigsaw legacy," Hoffman reminded her. "So shut up."

"You shut up!"

"You shut up!"

"John, tell him to shut up!"

"Me?! She started it!"

"Well, I'm finishing it." John Kramer sent them a cold look, shutting both of them up instantly. "I knew you would manipulate Amanda and ensure her death and mine, Hoffman: I also knew that you would grow careless and attempt to kill my wife. You thought that the games would end with her, and you were gravely mistaken; that was how you ended up being chained up in the bathroom by Lawrence, wasn't it?"

The Master and Moriarty cracked up laughing at this piece of information; Khan's only indication that he also found it amusing was his lips twitching upwards at the corners. Hoffman grumbled something insulting about Lawrence Gordon, but subsided into a sulky silence. John turned his attentions to Amanda. "Amanda, I'll consider bringing Lawrence along next time if Hoffman can't behave himself for the rest of this session." He tilted his head at Loki, signalling that he could keep going.

Feeling that his authority had been undermined somewhat, Loki kept going. "Light Yagami?"

"That's me." Loki frowned slightly at the flaxen-haired young man lounging in his seat. He was unsure of how the young Asian could possibly be a threat, but he had been assured by a reliable source that he definitely was. "And you are…Kira, is that right?"

Light's smile sent shivers down his spine. "That's right."

The young woman sitting on his right wrapped her arms tight around him, giggling happily, which clearly irked him. "Misa-Misa loves Light-san; I won't let anyone hurt him!"

"No-one is going to do that," Loki assured her, taking in her flowing blonde hair, the ponytails considerably longer than the length of the low-cut corseted dress she was wearing. "Light, will Ryuk be turning up soon? Only he still isn't here, and we need to start." Light smiled again, and he didn't like it; it said that he knew something that he didn't. He now understood how Moriarty felt, who was still vainly trying the get the Master to give up what he knew.

"Actually, if you would just read this, it'll explain everything." Light ripped a sheet of paper out of his notebook and began to write something on it.

"Hold on, who the hell is he?" Hoffman demanded, pointing at the man sitting at the far end of the table from Loki.

"That's our special guest for today," Loki explained. "I'll be inviting someone different each meeting."

"Then who is he?" This time Hoffman pointed at the cowering man in the corner.

"I'm not sure; he just got teleported here along with him. This wasn't meant to happen."

"I'm sorry, what exactly was it that you invited me here to?" The man asked bemusedly. "I thought that this was the G8 Summit."

"Mr Cameron, you are- "

Loki was interrupted by a high pitched squeal as Hoffman leapt into Amanda's lap with surprising agility. "Amanda, don't let it get me!"

"For Christ's sake Hoffman, what's wrong with you?" Amanda snatched the note off of him, which had begun its route around the table. " 'Look up'. What kind of message is – what the hell is that?" She was pointing at the empty chair next to Light, her face full of terror. Cameron took the note and looked in that direction, his eyes bulging. "Good Lord!" He turned round and offered the note to his companion. "Cleggy, take a look at this!"

'Cleggy' took the piece of paper and looked hesitantly up. With a terrified shriek he balled up the paper and hurled it away from him before huddling into an even tighter ball than before, shaking like a leaf. The ball of paper was caught by Khan, who glanced across the table at whatever the offending object was. "Hmm." Was his only comment, passing the scrunched-up paper across to Moriarty and staring curiously at the empty chair. After an attempt to snatch the note off of Moriarty out of spite, the tug of war ending with the uncrumpled paper being torn in two, the Master and Moriarty glanced over and swore, simultaneously pushing their chairs back from the table.

"The fuck is that?" The Master pulled his weapon out of his pocket and pointed it at nothing, his eyes narrowed into slits.

"That won't do any good." Light said calmly, obviously pleased at how his note had – somehow – prompted such reactions from practically everyone concerned. "Weapons won't kill him."

"This is a laser screwdriver, I highly doubt this thing can survive being shot with this."

"Kill it!" Moriarty yelled. The Master attempted to oblige, the beam of light clearly striking something invisible, hulking, huge. Seconds later the two men pushed their chairs still further from the table, their backs pretty much against the wall.

"Well, that worked well! So much for your brilliant laser screwdriver!"

"Shut up!" The Master snarled.

Voldemort in the meantime had picked up one half of the note and was staring inquisitively at the chair directly opposite him, much as a child observes a curious insect. "Interesting…"

"How come you three aren't freaking out?" Hoffman exploded, looking between John, Khan and Voldemort so fast that his head seemed to be in danger of falling off.

"Is there a reason why we should be?" Khan asked him.

"It's big and scary, and it won't stop grinning."

"Aww, you poor thing."

"Don't mock me!"

Impatient, Loki grabbed the piece of paper as soon as Voldemort laid it down, jerking back in shock when he looked back over at the empty chair; it was now taken by a leering monstrosity, clad in gothic-looking clothes and laughing to itself. He made some attempt at regaining his composure, although he had a feeling that he wasn't altogether successful in this. "…Ryuk?"

"Hi," Ryuk's yellow eyes never blinked, remaining fixed on him. "Nice to meet ya."

"Ryuk is a Shinigami," Light explained. "That's a God of Death, and he can't be killed."

"Funnily enough, I kind of guessed that already." The Master said sourly.

"Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk." The Shinigami's laugh made the hairs on the back of Loki's neck prickle unpleasantly. Dammit, why was he the one sitting next to the most creepy members of the group?

"Well, if that's everyone, let's move on to the first item on the agenda."

"There was an agenda?" Misa looked confused. "Misa-Misa never saw an agenda." Her high pitched voice was and constant use of herself in the third person was starting to grate on his ear drums, and he wasn't happy about it.

Loki ground his teeth together. "I have the agenda, all you have to do is listen."

"Why do I not like the sound of that?" Amanda said flatly, folding her arms across her chest.

"First off, we need to work out what we're going to call ourselves." Loki began, only to be cut off when everyone around the table started groaning. "And the problem with that is?"

"Having to give a group of people a name, that's just so…" Moriarty struggled to find the right word. "Gimmicky."

"Also, who said that this was going to be permanent?" The Master copied Amanda's stance, leaning back in his chair. "I don't see how I'm going to benefit from this."

"My precious!" Gollum interjected.

Barely into the first item of his agenda, and he was already perfectly ready to kill at least one of them. That was a first. "Fine, let's look at it from this way. Hands up all of you who have actually succeeded in one of your plans." A few hands went up. "Hands down if your plans were then undone in some way or other." Scowling, the Master lowered his hand, as did Khan, Voldemort and Hoffman. One hand remained up in the air. "Moriarty, Sherlock is still alive!"

"I'll believe that when I see it." Moriarty said sullenly, but he lowered his hand nevertheless.

"Whatever we do, we're always brought down by some collective of 'good guys'," Loki picked up the pace, starting to get into his speech. "Khan – USS Enterprise; Voldemort – Dumbledore's Army and the Order of the Phoenix; Light, Misa, Ryuk – L's investigation team; Amanda, John, Hoffman – the FBI; Gollum – the Fellowship of the Ring; Master – the Doctor and his companion; Moriarty – a certain consulting detective and his friends-"

"Friend," Moriarty interrupted. "Sherlock Holmes had only one friend."

"What's with the past tense? He's alive, idiot!" The Master rolled his eyes. "Give it up, for Rassilon's sake!"

"Who is Rassillon?"

"Never you mind, just get on with your little pep talk."

Fuming, Loki continued. "I have been prevented from carrying out my plans by the so-called 'Avengers'. When we're facing these people alone we're likely to fail, but if we all get together…"

"Ah, I see," Khan raised his eyebrows. "You seem to think that we're all going to join together in order to achieve our goals. I hate to be the one to rain on your parade, Loki, but I don't think that that is going to happen."

"Oh, and I suppose you want to go back to the way things were before I brought you all here? More than half of you were dead or dying, and the few of you who weren't were incapacitated in some way, shape or form. You all would really prefer that to an alliance?"

Khan thought for a second. "As long as the alliance is only temporary, I can agree to this."

"Same here." Moriarty agreed. There was a general chorus of agreement from around the table, although Loki couldn't be sure that Gollum's screech of "Precious!" could be counted as an agreement. Ignoring this, he smiled thinly.

"Excellent. So, what name should this group have?"

"Hoffman's Band of Awesome!" Hoffman suggested enthusiastically.

"Shut up and eat your muffins." Amanda said, shoving one into his mouth.

"League of Evil?" The Master suggested.

"Oh, that's so corny!" Moriarty dismissed the idea.

"Oh yeah? You come up with a name then?"

"How about the Council of Evil?"

"How is that any less corny than mine?"

"I prefer it." Light said carelessly. "It sounds more serious than a 'League'."

"Misa-Misa agrees," Misa cheered. "Misa-Misa thinks that we should be the Council of Evil, and then we can all be friends."

"Err, I wouldn't go that far…" Amanda said slowly, voicing the thoughts of everyone in that room.

Khan shrugged. "If you really want to be called the Council of Evil, then fine. I don't particularly care."

"I agree." Voldemort said quietly, stroking Nagini as he spoke.

John sighed. "If there are no better suggestions, then I'll go for that as well."

"You all can't be serious?" The Master exploded. "It's a crap name!"

"It still passes with a majority of votes, so the Council of Evil it is." It was the Master's turn to look sulky, Moriarty marking his moment of triumph lobbing a muffin at 'Cleggy'. Loki ignored the men's' behaviour, instead proceeding to the next item. "Right, now we need to sort out who is going to be President and Vice-President. Since I was the one who organised this, I think that I should be President, so it's up to all of you who becomes Vice-President."

"If you all don't vote for me," Voldemort threatened sibilantly. "I will order my Death Eaters to hunt down and kill every last one of you."

"I vote Voldemort." Hoffman said hurriedly.

"Seconded!" Squeaked Misa, much to Light's annoyance. No-one else round the table said anything, remaining in a mutinous silence, but as Loki looked round at them none of them put themselves forward for the role either.

"So we're all agreed? Voldemort as Vice-President?"

"Does it look like we have a choice?" Khan looked ready to keep speaking, but at that moment a quivering serving girl arrived with their orders.

"H-How have you found your Nandos experience so far?" She stammered, setting plates down on the table.

"Very good, thank you." Loki graced her with a smile. "And it was very good of you to make our meal on the house."

"Um, you kind of vaporised my friend, sir."

"Oh yes, so I did. She was taking a long time in taking my order."

The unfortunate girl looked about ready to burst into tears with the table's attention on her. "I hope you enjoy your meals." She said hurriedly before practically running back into the kitchen, where the terrified staff comforted her as much as they could before beginning to make their escape out the window via knotted-together staff aprons.

"So, what did everyone get?" Loki asked cheerfully, as everyone reached for their plates.

"A whole chicken, Hoffman?" Amanda said incredulously. "Seriously?"

"I'm hungry!" Hoffman said defensively, picking up a piece of chicken and beginning to eat.

"Cleggy, your lemon and herb chicken is here," Cameron said soothingly, placing the plate down on the floor next to him. "Be a good boy and get me some salad dressing, will you?"

"Can you bring the ketchup and extra hot peri-peri as well?" The Master chipped in, grabbing his half chicken, fries and garlic bread. 'Cleggy' complied, returning with the bottles before going back to his corner to eat and sniffle in peace. Moriarty had ordered the same, except with mashed potatoes instead of fries. He peered at the little label atop the Master's chicken as the man in question grabbed the extra hot peri-peri and began pouring it liberally over his food.

"Extra hot?" He enquired. "Being a little brave there, putting on extra extra hot as well, aren't you?"

"Just because you can't take the extra heat!"

"Of course I can take the heat," Moriarty snarled. "Don't be absurd!"

The Master offered him the bottle. "Go on then, prove it." Moriarty snatched it from him, pouring an equally vast quantity of the stuff over his food and stealing some of the Master's fries whilst doing this. "Oi, if you wanted fries, go and get them yourself!"

"I'm sorry, I'm just so changeable!"

"If you don't mind," John said icily, picking at his avocado and green bean salad. "Some of us would like to eat in peace."

"Hear, hear." Khan said with feeling, helping himself to the spicy rice which came with his wing roulette.

"The other business can wait until after we've finished eating, I suppose." Loki allowed, eyeing up his steak roll with approval. "Shall we eat?"

"Like Hoffman waited for permission." Amanda grumbled, watching the man gnawing at the chicken leg with evident pleasure. "He's putting me off my veggie burger."

"Hoffman, eat nicely."

"Bu' 'ohn!"

"And stop talking with your mouth full! You've got cutlery, use it!"

"Actually, we don't have cutlery." Cameron noted. "Cleggy, will you please go and get some for us? You really should have brought some across with you with the sauces." There came a muffled reply. "Now, there's no need to be rude; we are meant to be in a Coalition, you know."

"Yeah, and that's going really well!" John commented dryly.

"Enough," Loki said impatiently, reaching for his own meal. "Let's eat."

"Dinner, Nagini." Voldemort said softly. The snake slithered from round his neck and eyed up the plate of fried mice – where the staff had gotten them from, Loki didn't want to know – before darting its head forward and hawking down one of the dead rodents down whole. Loki swallowed hard. Somehow, his butterfly chicken and spicy rice didn't look quite so appetising anymore.

They ate in near complete silence, apart from 'Cleggy', who after getting the cutlery was now snivelling in-between bites of chicken, and Gollum's muttering. Out of all of them, only he and Misa had ordered nothing, the young girl protesting loudly against the calories. Light rolled his eyes at her, and Ryuk ignored both of them, instead grabbing another apple from the bowl in front of him and shoving it whole into his mouth. Hoffman was the last of them to finish, flinging down the last of his chicken bones and planking in his chair, groaning. "Jesus, that was a lot of chicken!"

"You don't say?" Said Amanda sarcastically, flinging her napkin at him. "Clean yourself up – you've got peri-peri sauce all over your face, for God's sake!"

"Are you two alright?" Cameron asked worriedly. "You're-"

"Shut up." Hissed the Master, tears streaming down his face.

"Couldn't handle the heat after all, Master?" Moriarty jeered.

"What are you crying about then?"

Moriarty quickly dabbed at his eyes. "Crying? I'm not-" It was at that point that the side-effects of the extra extra hot peri-peri lightly covering that side of his napkin finally kicked in on his eye. "It burns! Fuck, it burns!"

"Is there a problem?"

"I will burn the HEART out of you!"

The Master continued cackling. "I'd like to see you try when you're crying like a girl!"

"Perhaps," Khan suggested, smiling thinly. "You should have gone to the human shop known as Specsavers." The pair high-fived over Moriarty's head, the consulting criminal muttering something about using their skins in order to make shoes.

Loki cleared his throat. "Have we all quite finished?"

John looked around. "Shouldn't we get someone to clear away the plates?"

"If I'm not mistaken, the staff will most probably have already escaped." Voldemort observed. "However, one of my followers is waiting in the lobby for my command, so this isn't an issue. Draco!"

Moriarty's woes were temporarily forgotten when a pale, blonde youth in a pink dress stomped into view, looking sulky. "My Lord?"

"Clear the table. We have important business to discuss which demands a clear table."

"Yes my Lord." Draco muttered, stacking the plates with a wave of his wand, produced from the puffy sleeve of his dress.

"You will also do the dishes for the Muggle spawn who left so abruptly," Voldemort called after him as he made his way to the kitchen. "Do not fail me!"

With a mumbled "My father will hear of this!" Draco disappeared from view, the tinkle of breaking china telling the group that even with magic he had dropped at least one plate.

"H-he was wearing a d-dress!" Choked Moriarty, shaking with laughter.

"Why was he in a dress?" Loki asked tiredly. After this, he reasoned, pretty much anything could happen and he wouldn't be surprised – or particularly care, either.

"I am the Dark lord, and I can, and I did, and it was funny." Was Voldemort's explanation.

"Hoffman does it for fun!" Amanda piped up.

"I do not!" Hoffman said indignantly. "John, tell them!"

"I'm not getting involved in this." John smirked.

"John!" he complained, putting extra stress on each syllable

"Misa-Misa thinks that Hoffman-san would look good in a pink dress!" Misa said happily.

"I don't know," Light looked Hoffman up and down critically. "I'd have said green would be more his colour."

"Blue," Khan said decidedly. "Blue would be better – the colour would bring out his eyes."

"Paying attention to his eyes, are we, Khan?" Sniggered Moriarty.

"Is that meant to imply something?" he raised an eyebrow at the man who had just spoken

Moriarty shrank in his chair at Khan's expression. "No…nothing at all…please don't hurt me…"

"Cleggy knows about this kind of thing, I'll ask him." Cameron leaned down and after a muted consultation with 'Cleggy' he straightened up. "He says yellow. He liked the colour yellow. Personally I think that it's the colour of cowards, but there you go – that's taste for you."

"Johhnnn," Hoffman whined. "They're bullying me!"

The man in question shot him a look. "Does it look like I care?"

"If we could get back to the agenda," Ground out Loki, feeling a vein begin to throb in his temple. "Then we can finish up until the next meeting."

"This is more fun," Khan said somewhat reluctantly. "But fine. What is the final item on the agenda?"

Loki licked his lips, suddenly a little nervous as he braced himself for the reaction to come. "We're going to need to kill one person seated at this table."

There was a brief pause and then the tumult began. The Master whisked out his laser screwdriver just as Moriarty pulled a gun on him, whilst Light bizarrely clicked his ballpoint pen and, selecting a blank page in his notebook, let his gaze flicker over everyone at the table, ready to write. Cameron joined 'Cleggy' on the floor, the pair of them clinging on for dear life and Hoffman joined them, forgetting about his gun in its holster and taking the desecrated bowl of muffins down with him. Misa and Amanda behaved completely differently to each other, highlighting their differences: whilst the latter screamed obscenities at Loki, the former wrapped herself painfully around Light and peeked over his shoulder at the carnage. Only John, Khan and Voldemort remained motionless, fixing Loki with a gaze which promised death and destruction as Ryuk laughed at the chaos around him.

"Look, I miscounted when it came to inviting you all here," Loki explained, pretty close to joining the little huddle of men under the table himself. "We can't let the excess member go alive; who knows what they may tell our enemies, either in interrogation or in bargaining?"

"So we're paying for your mistakes?" Amanda yelled. "How is that fair?"

"You know, I think that Miliband asked me that once." Came Cameron's disembodied voice.

"I'd like to see you puny humans kill me." Khan said icily.

"Unless you didn't notice," The Master rounded on him. "Not all of us are human, idiot."

"Even so, none of you are any match for me."

"Want to bet?"

"Hyuk hyuk." Laughed Ryuk.

"Misa-Misa thinks that we should kill Loki-san!" Misa said from behind Light's back, pointing one finger in his direction. "He got his maths wrong, so Misa-Misa thinks that Misa-Misa shouldn't have to die because of him!"

It was then that Loki decided that the blonde girl would be his choice to die, but he didn't voice that opinion. "Can't we decide this democratically?"

Apparently not. The Master and Moriarty now had their respective weapons pressed against each other's heads, offering to kill the other without regret, and Amanda had disappeared under the table in order to drag Hoffman kicking and screaming out from under it, grabbing for his gun as she did so. Khan stood and was advancing on Misa, who squealed and tightened her hold on Light, who winced and put his pen to the paper of the book, about to write something down when –

"Precious!" The one word stopped everyone in their tracks. Loki slowly peered out from under the table, having dived there after misinterpreting Khan's actions as an attack on him, to stare at the grinning, disgusting little being rocking in its chair. The others also paused in their activities, the whole group beginning to get exactly the same idea.

"Completely useless, ugly as hell…yes," Ryuk voiced their thoughts. "You've got the right guy there."

"What's your name?" Light asked.

"How is that going to help?" Moriarty asked as Gollum racked his brains for the answer. "We're going to kill him, it's not like-"

"Smeagle!" Gollum said triumphantly. "Smeagle, Smeagle, Smeagle!"

"Smeagle…" Light said slowly, writing his name down in the notebook before sitting back and watching Gollum expectantly. There was a feeling of anti-climax when, after thirty seconds, nothing had happened.

"What the hell are we waiting for?" Exploded Hoffman, having left the safety of the table to watch the fun.

"Maybe we should shoot him?" Suggested Khan. This suggestion proved to be unnecessary, as a second later Gollum gave an ear-piercing shriek and fell face-down onto the wooden table, his head bouncing off of it and his body disappearing from view as it fell to the ground. There was the sound of screaming, presumably because the body had fallen just in front of 'Cleggy' and Cameron, neither of them seeming too happy about this turn of events. The others stared at the motionless body before slowly returning their gaze to the Asian boy sitting smugly in his chair, Misa clapping and smiling her pleasure from beside him.

"…I don't even want to know what just happened." The Master said finally.

"Meeting adjourned." Loki agreed full-heartedly, quickly leaving before anything else could happen. He could only hope that the next meeting would go slightly better – although from what he had seen, this seemed very unlikely.