"I have said that I am sorry John" Sherlock insisted as he followed John up the stairs to 221b Baker Street. The ex army doctor was storming ahead of Sherlock, ignoring Sherlock calling after him.
"And that makes it all okay does it?" John asked bitterly having reached the top of the stairs. He turned around to face Sherlock. With Sherlock standing on the step below him the two were staring eye to eye.
"I do not see what else I can do" Sherlock tried not to sound slightly desperate. He hated it when John was angry at him.
"You could have not done it in the first place" John argued back.
"I do not understand what you are so angry about" Sherlock said, almost dismissively. He realised that what he was saying could make John even angrier but he did not want to admit how much John's anger hurt him.
"You want to know why I am angry?" John asked slowly, almost disbelievingly.
"Yes John. I do not see that what I did was so wrong that you would respond in this way" Sherlock had to admit he had not expected John to be this angry at what he had done. He thought John might complain slightly but he had not expected this response.
"Where would you like me to start? How about when you convinced the murderer that we were together, did not even tell me that he was the murderer, seemed disappointed in me when you realised I hadn't worked it out and then to top it all off used me as a piece of human bait to entice the murderer so you could arrest him. So I think it's pretty reasonable that I'm rather miffed" John said, his voice rising slightly in anger and not caring if Mrs Hudson overheard him.
"You were never in any danger" Sherlock tried to explain, as if he were talking to a child and John was completely overreacting "I had to convince the murderer we were together so that he would try and kidnap you. I did not tell you that he was the murderer because I thought it was so obvious and as I said you were never in any danger from the man. You were in a building surrounded by cops, well myself and Lestrade, you had a gun and I am sure you could have taken care of yourself if you needed to. So no John I do not really understand why you are angry"
"Never mind then Sherlock" John replied sounding exasperated. He sighed before turning and entering the flat. He had begun to make tea as Sherlock followed him and stood at the boundary between the kitchen and the living room, leaning slightly against the wall.
"You are still angry at me" Sherlock stated.
"Yeah great deduction" John replied sounding more tired than sarcastic.
"Why?"
"It does not matter Sherlock. I am going to make some tea and then go to bed" John sounded exhausted but Sherlock did not want to drop the subject.
"No John I want you to explain why you are still angry" Sherlock tried to sound determined without overly pressing John, which he knew would make John even more annoyed at him. He knew getting John angrier would not get him any closer to the answer to his question.
"It's just…" John tried to explain "sometimes I get tired of being just a piece in your game who you can use to lure suspects and talk to in the place of a skull. I know I am not as clever or brilliant as you but... I do not know sometimes it would feel nice to be useful as more than just a sitting duck or a sounding board or, what was it you said, a conductor of light?"
"John I..." Sherlock had no idea how to respond. He valued John and John's company so highly that he had never considered that John did not realise this. He could not believe that he, Sherlock Holmes consulting detective, had missed something as important as this. He had always prided himself on noticing everything, especially when it came to John.
"It does not matter Sherlock. I am going to bed" John said, abandoning his mug and the boiling kettle in preference of simply getting out of there and out from under Sherlock's intense gaze.
"At least have your tea" Sherlock said, resigned, as he gestured to the kettle which had momentarily before clicked back into place. John nodded and Sherlock returned to sit on his armchair. John sat down opposite him once he had sorted his tea and Sherlock watched as John drunk his tea in silence. When John had finished his tea and was moving to get back up Sherlock said "wait ... Please". John sunk back down into his seat and looked at Sherlock expectantly, waiting for him to say something. "I am sorry John. I did not realise that you did not understand how great my regard for you is. If I had realised I would have made greater attempts to show you how much I value our ... friendship. I am incredibly indebted to you for so many reasons, far too many for me to ever express or thank you for. You are by far a brilliant person in your own right, a much better person than I can ever hope to be and I am sorry if I have not shown you how much you are worth. Without you I do not know what I would do. You are full of incredible ideas and infinitely helpful in the field. You are by far superior to me when it comes to human interactions. But you have also somehow managed to put up with me for this long, something very few people have ever managed to do. You deal with my moods and violin playing. You make sure that I eat and sleep regularly enough. You stop me from going to far with things and have helped me and taught me social rules. You have kept me clean, as I am sure I would have relapsed without your friendship, and happy and I do not know what I would do or where I would be with out you John. It is true- I would be lost without my blogger." John did not say anything and just stared at Sherlock. Sherlock began to panic that he had done something a bit not good. "John, I am sorry, did I say something wrong?" Sherlock asked panicking. When John continued to stare blankly at him, Sherlock actually reached out to shake John's shoulders. "John, please just talk to me". Eventually John seemed to stutter out some words.
"Do you mean that Sherlock?" John asked, hesitantly.
"Of course I do John" Sherlock responded immediately.
"Sherlock I…" John began before being unable to finish.
"I am sorry John, what did I do wrong?" Sherlock kept his hands resting in John's shoulders as he began to almost plead with him.
"You did not do anything wrong" John answered. Sherlock could feel the relief at John's words rushing through him.
"Then why are you still staring at me?" Sherlock asked, once he realised that John was still doing so.
"Because of what you just said" John replied.
"I do not understand" Sherlock said.
"You just said those things and I never realised that you even appreciated my presence because quite frankly you do not even seem to notice when I am not here so I just assumed that you did not really need me"
"John I need you so much. I have to pretend you are here when you are not because I do not think I could function without you because you have become so important to me and I am just so sorry that you did not realise that". Sherlock babbled; he was used to being in control of what he said and normally gauged how his words would affect people before he said them, often when he insulted people it was because he wanted to, because that was the response he wanted from them, but when it came to John Sherlock never knew what to say. It was a combination of desperately not wanting to say the wrong thing to hurt John or push him away and wanting to say all the things that he felt and explain to John how much he meant to Sherlock. John had to smile slightly at the sight of the great Sherlock Holmes babbling. Sherlock noticed John's smile and stopped his rambling to raise a questioning eyebrow at John, asking him what he was finding so amusing.
"Sorry Sherlock" John apologised "The sight of you not knowing what to say is one I rarely get to see so I was just relishing in the moment"
"I do not know what to say" Sherlock explained "I want to make you realise how important you are to me and I do not know how to put that in words because I am worried that I will say something wrong and hurt you even more than I already have and push you away and I have genuinely no idea what I would do without you so I could not bear for that to happen"
"It is okay Sherlock" John said calmingly "I am not going to leave"
"But you might if I keep doing things like tonight and not making you realise how important you are to me" Sherlock answered.
"No Sherlock I am not going to leave. If I was going to leave I would have left the first time you used me as human bait or the first time you interrupted my date or the first time you woke me up in the middle of the night because you were playing the violin or shooting the wall or the first time you stored body parts in the place we also keep food. But you have done those things many, many times and I did not leave did I? I am still here so you can make the assumption that I am not going anywhere anytime soon. You claim you would be lost without me but I would certainly be lost without you. I do not know what I would do without your friendship and genius. Besides where else do I have to go?" John tried to joke at the end to lighten the mood.
"Will you really not leave?" Sherlock asked, almost innocently.
"Course not Sherlock" John smiled at him.
"Even though I do all those things" Sherlock continued to ask John, wanting to make sure he was not at risk of losing his friend.
"Yeah" John replied "Just try to keep me in the loop and not leave me with any murderers okay?"
"Okay" Sherlock replied.
"All right then. I am off to bed so I am nice and rested for the next time I have to chase after criminals" John smiled.
"Looking forward to it" Sherlock grinned back him.
"Would not miss it for the world" John grinned too before heading off to bed. About five hours later Sherlock was shaking him awake and shouting something about a double homicide.