I've had quite possibly the worst week in the history of the universe, the past two days really, so needed to laugh.

Vitzy, hon, sorry about Bonnie. :(

I don't own anything, nor the plot idea.

"I don't get it," Claire, as usual, has her brow creased into a series of lines as she tries to process what Amelie has told her. The elderly – in fact, she is so old she just checked herself into a retirement home "for a little holiday", aka rehab for the elderly – vampire rolls her eyes as she sits opposite the girl whose life she has just rocked. Or she would rock it…if the girl actually understood what she meant!

"Are you sure you are Claire Danvers?" Amelie asks Claire, drumming her fingernails lightly on the table. That is not to say that the nails became magically removed from the fingers, yet for the fingers do not touch the table, merely the fingernails drum. "Because the Claire I know would have been able to keep up with me as I spoke, most likely correcting me on my deliberate mistakes in terms of scientific equations and such."

As Amelie had spoken, she realised herself that she had said the lysosomes create energy in the cell, yet she knows that it is the mitochondria. Did Claire not only miss that but she seemed to accept it.

"It's me," Claire says slowly, part of her brain processing through what Amelie spent forty five minutes explaining – in all honesty, the woman can talk for England and Claire dropped off into a "I'm asleep but looking like I'm awake" mode after about thirty seconds of the build up.

"Then why have you not reacted to this news?" Amelie asks, more than slightly hurt that Claire doesn't seem to care that Amelie is her mother. At the very least Amelie expected there to be some tears or a very modern day, "Oh my God, you are, like, so not my Mum, that's my Mum, Kathy Danvers"…but there's been nothing so far.

"Give me one second," Claire murmurs, her brain catching her conscious up on everything Amelie told her, speeding through the conversation at the speed of light (3 x 10 to the power of 8 metres per second, even Amelie knows this without having to look it up, thank you very much) in her head until…

"Oh My God!" she reacts just as Amelie predicted she would (in fact, that means Amelie is owed four hundred and thirty three old pounds for this victory) and leaps to her feet. "You are, like, so not my Mum!"

Amelie stands up and nods, looking not as grave and "put one foot wrong and I will kill you" as normal, but not a fluffy, happy mother who wants to go roll down hills with you. Not that there are any hills in Morganville but that's besides the point.

"You are my daughter," she tells Claire gravely, her voice ringing round the room. Just at that very second, the music that turns on when you're watching a really serious drama and something bad is happening turns on and no matter how many times Amelie jabs the remote, it won't turn off.

"Uh, no offence, but you're not exactly at a prime child bearing age, are you?" of course, now Claire is back to being herself, she has to bring up a scientific point of view – that means that Myrnin gets three hundred old pounds back, as Amelie expected either a hug or an assassination attempt. "I mean, you called me here; I hardly doubt anyone living here can exactly have a sprog," Claire continues, gesturing to the (admittedly nice) retirement home Amelie decided to live in.

Since she's living here, Oliver is in charge of the town and everything is icky. He keeps trying to say hi to Claire, which is more than a little creepy, and then one time he told her that Amelie was senile – whilst that would have a ring of truth coming from someone else, from Oliver it was so obviously a lie. But yeah, since he's in charge, if a human is out after 9:30pm, they're free meat – so Claire has to stay here for the night since it's already 10:02pm.

"Have you forgotten something about me?" Amelie motions to her body, which is of a twenty three or so year old – Claire got the lecture about every single year of Amelie's life a few weeks ago, then had to sit a test on what she remembered, but she's forgotten it all after she dumped Shane and decided to try out Derulo's "riding solo" stance for a bit.

"Um…you're trying to get me to fish for compliments, which is wrong not only because it would be paedophilic since I am under eighteen and you're like ancient, as well as I'm also a girl, and again because you think I'm your daughter so therefore to be asking whether you're hot or not is quite possibly the wrongest thing I have ever heard?" Claire answers, a question in her voice as she leans as far away from Amelie as the chair will rock. It's actually very comfortable – but it would have to be, since this house is for the elderly…though when she visited Amelie the other day, she could have sworn she saw Sam…oh yes, he is seventy or so now, so needs to sleep here as well.

Amelie cracks a smile but shakes her head, sighing at the same time. Amelie has mastered the ability to do three things to do with your emotions at the same time: find something at least partially amusing (hence the smile), hate the person for getting the answer wrong (hence the shaking of her head) and wonder what could have happened to spawn such an idiotic creature (the sighing). It's a world class feat, actually, and she ought to be recognised eternally by getting a Nobel Prize for this…

"I'm a vampire," she clarifies by answering her own question, the first sign of someone being self obsessed: answering her own question. "I don't know what Myrnin did but he fused my DNA with some other person's cells, editing my mitochondria for their's and my DNA for their's," she rambles on and on, making Claire lose interest again. In fact, the new focus of Claire's attention is trying to work out how much Amelie's hideous outfit cost. She's gotten it to at least over thirty thousand dollars when Amelie asks her something.

"What?" Claire responds, blinking to look back at Amelie's face as she sits back down again – after all, she's getting on a bit; she needs to start taking things easy.

"I said, are you willing to accept Sam as your Father?" Amelie repeats slowly, as if she is talking to an idiot. "Actually, I think Myrnin used Sam's cells or something, so he is your Father…SAM!" she yells the last bit through a thick door that the other vampire ought to be able to hear.

He does hear and shuffles through, acting like a seventy year old rather than the twenty three year old he physically is. "Yes, love?" he speaks to Amelie in his usual "oh my god, he is so cute, I just want to marry him" voice a lot of fangirls get seriously excited about. In fact, Amelie has had to have three girls killed since they were stalking him so much and making her jealous.

She narrows her eyes at him, keen to remind him that she's the top dog in town. "Don't call me love," she hisses, a wave of power running through her to remind her that they've both just popped in here for a little holiday and they'll be back to having the potential to be murdering vampires next week. "Oh and this is your daughter. I didn't know if I ever told you that I got Myrnin to do something to you to make me a baby, or maybe it happened when I slept with you like all those years ago now, but say hi."

Claire shakes her head and is promptly (Myrnin owes Amelie three thousand old pounds now) sick all over the floor. "I hate you both. Let me go out," she rips her arm out of Sam's hand as he tries to help her, running to the door. "Amelie, Oliver's right: you're delusional! And Sam, matie, if you don't get some help for her, you'll go the same way since she's driving you crazy as well!" and, with that, she runs out the door.

Forgetting that any vampire can come and kill her now, she heads out into the crystal clear night and just looks around the streets, until…

Oliver appears out of nowhere and grabs her neck, yabbering on about something but, as she did with Amelie, Claire shuts off as she tries to get her little murdering vampires 101 bag out of her pocket, failing miserably as soon as he starts to bite her.

She hears Amelie and Sam running out of their little holiday home (the place needs to start charging more, seriously) and throwing Oliver away from her, Amelie getting on top of her nemesis and pummelling the life out of him until he dies. Meanwhile, Sam starts biting himself (suicidal much?) and throwing the blood into Claire's mouth to turn her into a vampire.

Midway through the very hasty change, Amelie reappears, having disappeared to pack her and Sam's bags from the retirement holiday, also finding time to get changed before she sees Claire again.

"I just had a short call with Myrnin," she indicates the phone in her hand, making Claire wonder that if she is her mum, why she doesn't want to spend time with her. "He says that he would come over but he is engrossed in some fish or another, I believe he said COD?" her brow furrows like Claire's earlier as she drops to her knees beside her daughter.

"Amelie, marry me?" Sam asks, not really in the most appropriate time or location but that's men for you.

"Of course," she replies before turning her attention back to Claire. "Come on, Claire; you can be a bridesmaid at our wedding! With us all vampires, we can be together forever," her face turns sickly sweet at this moment, or it does until Claire vomits all over her, the last action her body has as a human.

Then she rises again as a vampire and looks at the choice between her "parents" (she really needs to book psych tests for the pair of them) and then the retirement home.

"I'm living here; bye," she points to the retirement home and walks off, making plans to go play COD with Myrnin since it's better than being a child of two crazy vampires who just killed another vampire and got changed…strange times.

.

She goes back to her room and rings up the hospital, sending out the armed vampire guards to arrest the Founder and her new fiancé (could be a sweet wedding, Claire decides) to get them sent off for psych tests that are biased and definitely reveal them to be crazy – just in case!

And then she goes to play COD!

.

Claire goes to sleep back in her retirement room and wakes up the next morning in her bed in the retirement home, her hair platinum blonde with a streak of red down the middle, her eyes sapphire blue and freckles…

"ARGH!" she screams. Maybe they were right after all!

Random, I know, and not that funny, but it made me smile.

Don't fav without reviewing please, and thank you!

Vicky xx