On Forgiving
Toshiko sat huddled in the front passenger seat of the SUV, she was tired and a little stunned at what had been going on over the last 12 or so hours. She knew full well how vicious and cruel human beings could be, but she would never have anticipated the things that she had witnessed last night. For the first time since her release from UNIT she had actually felt afraid for her life, being hunted down through the woods like an animal, and in the face of it, to those people that was all she was, pray to be caught, cooked and then eaten. At least her hands had finally stopped trembling and she had regained some of her composure while sitting here in the warm confines of the vehicle. Right now Jack and Ianto were her heroes, they had each in turn saved her life, saved her from what she would imagine to be a fate worse than death. The idea that someone could eat her flesh made her feel sick to the core. She shoved a stray strand of hair behind her ear and looked up through the windscreen. A cold light was dawning, casting insubstantial, long, grey shadows that were as colourless as the damp hills that surrounded them. To the left of her she could see a cluster of emergency service vehicles, the intermittent flashes of blue flickering across her eyes like dying fireflies. This place held the stench of death, the very air was clogged with it even though it wasn't something she could actually smell with her nose, just more the feeling of dread that crept up her spine. A short distance away she could see Jack still talking to the police and she could just make out the form of Ianto being helped into the back of an ambulance by a green suited paramedic. Her younger colleague looked shattered in every sense of the word and Toshiko felt her heart clench in her chest and begin thumping against her rib cage. Ianto. With shaking hand she opened the door and slid out of car.
Ianto allowed himself to be steered by the green man, his legs were shaking so badly he half wondered how he managed to stay on his feet, but then he realised he was actually being held up and wasn't really walking at all. Shapes and shadows moved around him but he could not determine what he was seeing and everything sounded as though he was swimming underwater. It made him wonder even more, but then that was Torchwood. Somehow he knew the man next to him was trying to speak to him but Ianto had no idea what he was saying and fear coiled in his gut once again, and all he managed was a whimper in response. Everything hurt, he couldn't find a part of him that didn't. Suddenly he was sitting down in a much brighter space, a face loomed up before him and Ianto flinched, trying to push himself backwards.
"It's okay, it's all right. I'm not going to hurt you, I'm a paramedic, my name is Daniel, what's your name, can you tell me?" Daniel spoke as gently as he could, the man, his patient, was clearly terrified and disorientated.
Another whimper escaped Ianto's bruised lips and he attempted to raise his arm to shield his face, but lifting the limb only caused more pain to explode across his shoulder. He cried out.
"Hey its okay, you're safe, I promise you're safe." Daniel carefully grasped the flailing limb and settled it down into the lap of his patient. He chattered quietly and reassuringly as he tried to manoeuvre the battered man onto the gurney. It wasn't difficult, he was in no fit state to put up any kind of resistance. Daniel was pretty convinced that there was a severe concussion as well as several fractures to deal with. He didn't want to think about what had been going on here at Brynnblaidd. He had overheard the police talking about cannibals and judging by the bite marks on this man's arms… well it didn't bear thinking about. He turned away from his patient for a moment to pull out some equipment from an overhead locker. A woman's voice at the door of his ambulance caught his attention and he turned around only to face the Japanese woman he had checked over earlier.
"Are you all right, miss?" He was gratified to see her smiling.
"I just came here to help you with Ianto, I just want to be sure he's okay." She stepped into the vehicle without waiting for a reply. Daniel smiled at her anyway.
"He's very disorientated and frightened. I was just about to put a line in so I could give him some painkillers and I think he's got a concussion so I will only be able to give him something mild."
Toshiko perched on the edge of the cot and grasped Ianto's swollen hand in both of hers and she sucked in a breath when she began to see the extent of his injuries. The bruising was blossoming across his brow and down the right side of his otherwise grey face, blood shot eyes searching out hers in order to anchor himself to something even vaguely reassuring. Tosh dredged up a smile for him, reluctant to squeeze his hand in case she hurt him.
"Ianto? Do you know who I am?"
"Tosh?" It was barely a whisper and Toshiko felt her heart break at the sight of his tears.
"Yes, it's me. Everything will be all right. Daniel here is going to give you some medicine, but you'll need to have a needle in your hand. Don't worry I shall be here."
She watched, Ianto could not manage to nod but he clearly understood what she said as she felt his fingers move against hers. Daniel smiled down at her gratefully and sitting down he set to work talking in hushed tones to keep Ianto calm. There was another voice, an American accent this time and he turned his head to see what was going on.
"Hey there Tosh, have you been checked over?"
The Japanese woman was nodding at a tall, handsome and very careworn looking man in a long, grey coat.
"Yes, I'm fine Jack. Daniel here is just about to take a look at Ianto, but Ianto's not in very good shape."
The American stepped up into the vehicle and Daniel continued to watch as he looked down at the broken man on the gurney. It was an awkward moment as the two men faced one another, frightened blue eyes meeting cold blue eyes. Daniel returned his attention to his task, dimly aware as the tall American standing over him reached out a hand and gently caressed his patient's bruised cheek.
"I am so sorry Ianto. We'll get you into hospital very soon."
"He was brilliant Jack, he saved my life. He sacrificed himself to save my life."
"I know Tosh, he is brilliant. Would you do me a favour and go to the hospital with him? I am going to drive Owen and Gwen back to the Hub, after I drop them off I shall come to the hospital. I just don't think he should be alone with strangers." Daniel could hear the pained compassion in the accented tones.
"I'd be happy to Jack. I don't want him left alone either."
Daniel focussed his attention on watching his patient breathe as he took his blood pressure and the American got out of his way without needing to be asked, but Daniel was stopped short by a firm grip on his shoulder. He turned, about to protest.
"You take good care of him."
Daniel nodded, realising the underlying fear in those words. "He'll be well looked after, though you might want to contact his family."
"We are his family. Tosh will be travelling back with you to Cardiff, any questions, ask her."
Daniel nodded. "Of course." He turned back to his task.
TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWT
Toshiko held Ianto's hand all the way back to Cardiff. He was wrapped in several blankets and had an oxygen mask over his face by the time they disembarked the ambulance. Ianto was completely oblivious to being wheeled into AnE. At this point Toshiko was moved away and told to wait outside whilst the nursing staff did their jobs. Daniel gave her a smiley farewell and told her not to worry. It was another hour before Jack joined her in the waiting room. He'd brought her a Starbucks hot chocolate and bacon sandwich from their favourite breakfast bar on the Quay. He sat beside her and Tosh leaned against him for comfort. Jack hugged her close and she munched on her breakfast.
"Any news yet?"
"No, they wouldn't let me in there, but he's already been up to X-ray and back again. How's Gwen?"
"Not too bad. Owen has sorted out her injuries, fortunately it wasn't serious, just painful. I think that she won't forget this trip in a hurry though."
Tosh could only agree. "So much for your nice, gentle, fun, team building experience. I'll never look at a fridge the same way ever again." She replied, sipping on her drink, grateful for the warmth that spread through her tired body.
"Yeah, I'm sorry. Shall I take you home?"
Toshiko shook her head. "No, I want to find out how Ianto is doing before I go anywhere."
Jack was glad of that for reasons he couldn't quite define. "Okay."
TWTWTWTWTWTW
Ianto just wanted to be left alone. He had been moved about, poked, prodded and moved again. He was fed up, sore and feeling more than a little sorry for himself. He hated being in hospital, but he was in no fit state to be at home alone, he recognised that much at least. Unfortunately the NHS could only provide him with a bed on an open ward and every time the nurse came by they re-opened the curtains he had pulled closed around his bed. He hated the noise, hated patient's visitors staring at him as they walked by. Okay, so he looked a mess, but it was no reason to gawp. What was really annoying was the nervous middle aged man in the next bay who was constantly chatting away and trying to get him to talk. Ianto ignored him, and buried his face into his stodgy pillow. They had taken the catheter out that morning and pissing for the first time was vaguely like urinating razor blades, there was blood too, adding to the illusion of further pain. Ianto had almost passed out in the toilet. It was a nightmare negotiating one crutch with his left leg splinted and bound to protect his knee and his right hand similarly mummified. Nothing, amazingly, had been broken, but ligaments and cartilage had been torn and his kneecap dislocated. The knee had required surgery and hurt like a bitch and the staff had stopped dishing out the morphine.
No one had visited him in the six days he had been here. Hardly surprising, he was fully expecting Jack to Retcon his arse back to babyhood after his screw ups. Ianto's mind kept going back to Tosh and the bruises on her throat. He could only hope that she was alright. Ianto really didn't know what to do with himself. He was bored out of his skull and contemplated discharging himself. His filthy clothes were nowhere in sight and the NHS gowns he was forced to wear as a result of his enforced stay were damned uncomfortable. However, when questioned he had simply advised the nursing staff that there was no one on the outside to contact that could bring him fresh clothes. His mobile phone was in pieces and his wallet and keys had disappeared, probably missing since the disasterous trip to Brecon. He didn't know what to do, so he lay there on the hard bed, fuming in silence. Yes, he was angry, at himself mostly. He had let Toshiko down, but he was also angry because he had been hurt, beaten to within an inch of his very pathetic existence. He'd had too much time to think over the last few days. He missed Lisa, wanted his mother and Jack in the same breath and then remembered that he was angry with Jack as well. Ianto closed his eyes, trying to shut out the activity on the ward, trying to calm himself and failing spectacularly. His chest ached and a sob bubbled up to his throat. It took serious effort to suppress it.
"Hey, Ianto."
Ianto's eyes snapped open in shock. Jack was looking straight at him, and smiling like some cheesey beefcake from a perfume advert. Ianto blinked stupidly for a moment his mouth opening and closing like a goldfish. Eventually he managed a noise.
"Ugh. Sir?"
Jack shook his head and before Ianto knew what was happening, a warm, large hand cupped his cheek.
"It's Jack. How are you feeling?"
Ianto absorbed the heat and felt himself unwind under the contact, his eyes fluttering closed again.
"Ianto?"
"I'm alright si….sorry Jack." Ianto opened his eyes again as Jack withdrew his hand, still smiling, but less glaringly white.
Jack sat back in the chair he had pulled up to Ianto's bedside. "I had a chat with the duty doctor, they're discharging you tomorrow, so I stopped by your flat and brought you some fresh clothes." He held a small black back pack. "I hope you don't mind me going through your drawers."
Ianto forced himself to sit up and winced when his leg protested. "Thank you." He couldn't look Jack in the eye. "Is Tosh alright?"
Jack was nodding. "She's fine, will be back at work tomorrow. I would have come by here sooner, but we've been run off our feet with you, Gwen and Tosh on sick leave. Owen's been moaning like mad."
Ianto sighed, somewhat relieved that he hadn't just been abandoned at the hospital because no one could be bothered with him, and then he realised how selfish that was. Jack was still smiling and trying to get Ianto to look straight at him and finally Ianto did. What he saw in Jack's eyes surprised him. There was concern, affection and Ianto found himself offering the faintest of smiles in return.
"So' I'll ask again. How are you?"
Ianto shrugged. "My leg's going be strapped up for a few weeks. I…. I'll be okay. I was worried about Tosh."
"And I told you already, Tosh is in good shape. Been singing your praises, she's very grateful for what you did for her."
Ianto was puzzled, he arched an eyebrow. "I don't understand."
Jack reached out and grasped his hand. "No, I don't suppose you do. You gave her an opportunity to get away, said you headbutted that guy….. though next time try kneeing him in the groin, much less painful for you…. Not that I want there to be a next time. You did good Ianto. Thanks to your quick thinking, time was bought and you and Tosh survived as a result and I am very glad about that."
Ianto was lost for words.
Jack watched his youngest team member closely, and by God he was young, too young for all the crap that had been dumped on him. He realised somewhat uncomfortably that Ianto was still trying to make amends with his colleagues. Ianto's silence worried him for a moment, but then he sniffed and wiped away a sudden and clearly embarrassing display of emotion. Jack squeezed his hand.
"It's okay to cry, you know. You've been bottling it all up for weeks now." Jack said quietly.
Ianto tried to pull his hand away, but Jack held on. "You don't have to feel alright and be stoic and strong all the time Ianto. I know you, I know how deeply you feel things and I wish I could have come in here to see you before now to be of some reassurance."
There was another sniffle and Ianto tried his utmost not to break down, the ward was just too public a place. Suddenly Jack released his hand and got up. He yanked the curtains closed around the bed and sat back down.
"That better?"
Ianto managed a nod and then his floodgates opened. Jack perched himself on the edge of the bed and pulled Ianto against his chest, cradling his head and petting his hair. Ianto cried, wetly and quietly into Jack's shirt and Jack just held him, saying nothing.
Time froze.
When Ianto finally regained his composure he realised that Jack was talking to him about Myfanwy. It made Ianto smile to know that he had been missed by the pterosaur at least. Jack finally eased himself away and sat back down in the chair. Ianto wiped his face on his sleeve.
"Thanks Jack."
Jack was grinning. "Anytime. Now Tosh is gonna collect you at ten and bring you straight to the Hub so that Owen can check you over and I'll let him decide when you can come back to work. Hopefully soon, the archive is a bit of a mess and we're behind on filing the mission logs again."
Ianto looked at his boss, this had been the first time Jack had held him since before….. before he had discovered…. Ianto shut that thought down. Some how Jack knew.
"You're forgiven Ianto. In the end I realise that we let you down. It's me who should be asking for your forgiveness, for not asking, not seeing that something was wrong. I was selfish and I am sorry for that."
Ianto's tongue was tied once again and he fingered the edge of the sheet for a moment.
"I just…. I just want to come back to work."
Jack frowned. "And I want you well enough for work first….. and something else Ianto."
Ianto chewed at his bottom lip as he looked into Jack's too old eyes.
"Forgive yourself Ianto. You did your best for her; you do your best for all of us. No one could ask for more."