Tempus Fugit (Time is Fudge)
Warnings: Angst, Character Death
Author note: Nah, not ZADR, not today folks. Well, you can always read into it what you want, but I'd rather keep this ficlet neutral…
Important note: I KNOW THAT DIB'S LAST NAME ISN'T MEMBRANE! No need to tell me. I'm just using this common mistake in this story, you'll see why. Also, usually I write Zim taller than he is in the show, but here he's still tiny. And the first scene happens while Dib is still a kid, like the show.
Disclaimer: Invader Zim and all the characters in it are © Jhonen Vasquez. I'm just playing with them.
'You… you can't just leave!' protested the big-headed kid, his eyes shining with disbelief.
'You have no say in this, human' spat the Invader, while disconnecting the last of his surveillance gnomes. 'My people need me.'
'But… who's going to try to take over Earth if you aren't there anymore?' asked the child with a small voice that reminded the Invader that his enemy was just a smeet.
'Don't worry your big head over this' shrugged the Invader. 'Zim will be back as soon his business is done and he will rule all the humans with an iron fist! You'll see!'
The kid nodded his assent, a small smile appearing on his lips.
'And I will be there to stop you at every turn, space-boy' he promised.
Zim smirked. Yes, he would come back.
Invader Tenn had been captured by the Meekrob, and tortured in every way imaginable. Even though she revealed absolutely nothing of her mission, her captors were quick to understand the situation. The Irken armada had targeted their planet for Invasion despite the peace treaty signed between them.
They attacked Irk directly, destroying on a single sweep millions of Irken civilians and countless unhatched smeets. At this point, the Control Brains recalled all soldiers from every point of the Universe.
Zim was among them. He fought for the glory of the Irken Empire, his talent for destruction unmatched by anyone. Stories of Meekrob survivors would talk about The Destroyer, who's war shout "I am ZIIIIIIIIIIIM!" could be heard seconds before obliteration. The Irken armada would talk about Zim with grudging respect at first, then outward admiration. Soon, he wasn't just Zim, food drone, failed Invader anymore. He'd become, to them, the Almighty Smallest.
Oh, how Zim relished every single moment of glory. Soon he was given a fleet, with Megadoomers and warships and a lot of nifty weapons that made things go boom. He could be heard cackling over the communication lines of his soldiers ships, gloating about his own amazingness between two attacks. The Irkens shrugged, they were used to it at this point.
Zim didn't exactly grant victory to the Irken Empire, but he made a difference. So when, finally, the last of Meekrob resistance surrendered, he was brought back to Irk as an hero. Even the Tallest themselves had to grudgingly give him some sort of recognition. His name was on every mouth, his picture on every screen, his story on every data canister, like he had always wanted.
He thought about going back to Earth to finish his business, but the people were nice to him and obeyed his every whim. He finally had the recognition he felt he deserved. And the Tallest weren't exactly pushing him back to his mission, so he thought he'd enjoy some laying around before getting back to work. He still had time, he thought.
The reconstruction of Irk took most of his days. Hero or not, everyone had to help. He was assigned to the laboratories, once again, to help repair the Smeeteries. They had lost an entire generation of soldiers and drones, it was a weakness they couldn't afford.
His days were spent at the labs, tinkering with dangerous chemicals so they could find a combination of nutrients to add to the smeet tubes so they could grow faster and stronger. His team discovered it after some time and the next generation was composed of taller, stronger and faster Irkens. Zim was positively glowing with pride. And gloating at anyone crossing his path.
His thoughts went back to Earth once in a while. He wondered what the Dib-human was up to without an alien Invader to fight. Maybe he'd found Bigfeet, or the Chupacabra. Zim shrugged. The Dib was surely as miserable and pathetic as ever, shunned by his own species like he'd always been. Nothing was about to change with him gone. He still had time.
The Tallest, tired of seeing Zim's face everywhere, assigned him to an explorer crew, whose job was to travel to the ends of the universe to discover new planets they could invade. He jumped on the occasion, glad to be traveling once again. Even though he drove the crew totally insane, he had fun jumping from planet to planet, discovering new filthy life forms and smashing them under his mighty fist for the glory of the Empire.
Sure, none of these new planets were comparable to Earth. None had a booby-trapped sun, or a ridiculous amount of acidic water, or so much meat, or ridiculous Christmas or Valentine customs, or filthy humans, or a worthy nemesis…
He realized after a time that he was missing the action. The war had been great, the glory very satisfying, but… there was no challenge anymore. The planets he set foot upon didn't fight back with every single cell like Earth had done. The aliens he met weren't as moronic as humans, but they weren't as complicated either. It was, for lack of a better word, boring.
After a rather dull mission, he'd had enough. He quit his explorer job, bid good bye to his admirers, told his Tallest he'd take his mission back, packed GIR and drove his Voot Cruiser to the left spiral arm of the galaxy the humans called so imaginatively… Galaxy.
It was with anticipation that he landed his Voot on the vacant spot where he had once lived. He hid the spaceship, put on his disguise, took GIR on a leash and without further ado, walked towards the Membrane house.
He was agreeably surprised that nothing seemed to have changed in the small town he used to live in. The houses, the cars, the streets, the flowers, every single filthy thing he saw on the way titillated a familiar twinge of disgust. He couldn't stop a smile. Even the human's worried stares at his creepy grin, green skin and whistling dog were welcome.
The Membrane house was exactly the same. Even the electrical field around the grass was still there. He walked up to the door and knocked frantically. His happy smile would have reached his ears, if he'd had any.
'DIB-FILTH!' he shouted. 'THE ALMIGHTY ZIM IS BACK TO TAKE OVER YOUR FILTHY PLANET! TRY AND STOP ME IF YOU CAN!'
The door opened abruptly, and he couldn't stop a shriek of terror.
'What do you want, freak?' asked someone with Gaz' voice.
But it couldn't be the Gaz-monster, thought the Invader. This human female was old, and huge! She was wide, had two or three chins, wore baggy clothes stained with grease spots. But the voice, and the hair, and the murderous look couldn't belong to anyone else!
'…Dib-sister?' wondered Zim out loud.
'Oh, I know you' she realized with a frown. 'You're that creepy alien kid Dib used to stalk. Shame you haven't grown since, you're tiny.'
'And you're enormous!' he frowned. 'What happened to you?'
She narrowed her eyes at him, but her aura of doom just wasn't as impressive.
'Fuck you, Zim' she growled. 'What do you want?'
'I want the Dib! Where is he hiding? Tell meeeeee!'
For a moment, Gaz kept silent. Then she grunted, came back in the house, and stopped at the bottom of the staircase.
'There's someone at the door for you!' she yelled.
Loud footsteps were heard coming down.
'Who is it?' asked a young male voice.
'Not my problem anymore' groaned Gaz before going back to the living room.
Zim was waiting impatiently, tapping his foot. GIR had disappeared somewhere, no doubt chasing after squirrels or mailmen.
The human that appeared before him was much too tall for his taste. He was as pale and big-headed as ever, and even had kept the weird hairdo he used to have as a child. But he was not wearing any glasses, his clothes consisted of a bright t-shirt, jeans and sneakers and his stance was more laid-back. Hugh, the human had grown up to teenage years. Disgusting.
'Huh… can I help you with something?' he asked the green kid at his front door.
'You won't fool me, human!' spat Zim. 'I know it is you, even if you're illegally tall!'
'What? What are you talking about? Why do you call me hu– '
Then, realization seemed to dawn on him. His eyes grew as big as saucers plates, and his mouth hung open for a moment.
'You're… you're Zim?' he asked with wonderment.
'Of course I am Zim!' snapped the Invader. 'Could I be anyone else? Is your human memory so defective that you managed to forget my pure AMAZINGNESS over a couple of years?'
The teenager kept silent a moment, staring at the alien. He shot a look towards the living room, where videogame music could be heard.
'No wonder she told me to get it…' he muttered under his breath. 'Coward.'
He turned back to the small alien.
'Look, huh… Zim…' he started, putting his hands in his pockets. 'You've been gone a long time, you know? Things are not the same anymore, over here…'
'You're still ugly and this planet is still filthy' spat the Invader. 'I don't see the difference, besides the red spots marking your dirty face, hyumun.'
The teenager frowned and brought a self-conscious hand to his face, trying to hide his acne problem. He thought for a second, and sighed.
'Guess I have no choice but to show you' he muttered. Then, he turned towards the house: 'Gaz! I'm going out for a moment! Don't forget to do your exercises!'
A dismissive grunt came from the living room. The teenager walked outside and closed the door behind him.
'Follow me' he told Zim.
The alien frowned suspiciously but obeyed anyways. GIR ran ahead of them, giggling insanely, just happy to be back on Earth.
Zim watched the human next to him with a growing sense of unease. At first he had thought that nothing had changed but evidence of the contrary kept proving him wrong. The boy next to him, his laid back attitude, his bright clothing, his passive face, everything seemed wrong. Where was the hyperactive boy who wanted nothing more than to capture him and dissect his squeedly-spooch? And what had happened to his sister-unit anyways?
'Hyumun' he asked with a deeper frown. 'Why is the Gaz-creature so fat?'
'A lifetime of junk food and videogames would do that to you' he answered with a morose expression. 'She'd been like that for so long I don't remember how she was before. Now she's being followed by doctors, nutritionists, and psychologists, but of course, she never listens. Doesn't do her exercises and doesn't respect her diet… She doesn't care she could die at any moment of a stroke.'
'You hyumuns are so frail' commented Zim with a superior attitude. 'And stoo-pid, too. No Irken would even let themselves fall to that pathetic level.'
The teenager threw him a strange look, but a bright melody interrupted whatever he was about to say. He took his cell phone from his pocket and answered with a smile.
'Hey honey' he greeted. 'Yeah, it's still on for Friday night. Steve told me to tell you to invite your cute friend Samantha, he's trying to hitch his friend Jake, you remember the one with the weird hairdo? Yeah, him. Han han. I'm sure of it. Right now? Sorry, I'm kinda busy… Err, someone… an old acquaintance, if you want. Long story. Tell you more whenever I see you, honey. Yeah, call you later. Love you too, bye!'
He closed his phone and came face to face with Zim's incredulous stare.
'Holy Mother of Irk' muttered the Invader. 'YOU have a social life? You managed to find… friends?!? And worst of all, a mate? It… it's unbelievable!'
The boy frowned.
'Yeah well, you don't know everything, green guy' he grumbled. 'Just follow me.'
Zim scurried after the human, grumbling under his breath against stoo-pid tall humans with long strides. They entered a park of some sort, one of those open areas covered in grass where human smeets and dogs usually frolicked. But, strangely enough, this place was deserted. There were tress, flowers, stone paths, the usual, but not a living soul in sight.
This park had an unusual decoration, too. Weird shaped geometrical stones, in colors of black, grey, or pink, aligned in hundreds of nicely ordered rows. Some were ornamented with flowers, some with statues of winged humans, and every single one of them was engraved with something. Zim read a couple, starting to understand.
The human stopped in front of a simple grey rectangular stone. Zim stared, unable to comprehend the words in front of him.
'Why… why is your name on that rock, Dib-stink?' muttered the Invader, refusing to believe what his logic told him.
'Zim' muttered the teenager. 'Dib was my dad. He's been dead for three years.'
Something horrible exploded in Zim's squeedly-spooch. A wave of horrible feelings he couldn't even name washed over him, letting him shaken… and empty.
'It cannot be possible' he muttered. 'He… He was supposed to wait for me, and stop me from taking the Earth! He promised!'
'Believe me, he waited' muttered Dib's son, his thoughts lost in time. 'I grew up hearing your name, I can almost say I know everything there is to know about you. But… you never came back, did you?'
'I did! Zim is back! How dare he die before my return?!?'
'He didn't exactly have a choice in the matter' grumbled the teenager, looking at his feet.
Zim walked on the grass, noticing how the small space in front of Dib's stone was in better condition than his neighbors. Slowly, reverently, he traced the words carved into the stone with a claw.
Dib Membrane
Loving son and brother
Wonderful father
He shall be missed
Zim narrowed his eyes. The words were so false that reading them brought a urge to throw up.
'What is this dookie?' exclaimed the Invader, pointing to the words. 'Zim has never read something as untrue as these words! Who dares sprout so much lies about the Dib-hyumun?!?'
The Dib-son raised his eyebrows.
'Huh… Grandfather took care of everything. I was too young and Aunt Gaz… it's not her thing, so… You know what? You're right. I've always felt that it was wrong somehow to write this on his stale.'
Zim thought for a moment and extracted a spider leg from his pak. The teenager jumped back in surprise but didn't scream. He stared at the glowing tip with fascination.
'…he was right…' he muttered appreciatively.
His expression suddenly changed when he saw that the glowing tip was in fact a laser and that Zim was using it to scratch the sentence "Loving son and brother".
'Hey! What are you doing?!?' he exclaimed with growing panic.
'Making things right' grunted the alien in concentration.
In a matter of seconds, the lie of "Loving son and brother" was gone. Zim lowered the spider leg, about to do the same with "Wonderful father". The human stopped him.
'Wait' he begged. 'Leave it. He really was a great dad…'
Zim looked at him and nodded. He stared at the "He shall be missed" line. Who would miss the Dib-monkey? He turned towards the teenager.
'Who will miss the Dib-stink?' he asked.
'…No one, I guess. Besides me… and you…'
'Hmpf. Do not assume, Dib-clone' growled the Invader.
But he left the line there. Two people in the universe. It was more than none.
He brought the spider leg to the rock again and worked some more. After a minute or two, he stepped back. On the stone, one could now read:
Dib Membrane
Wonderful father
Worthy enemy
He shall be missed
He was right
Zim contemplated his work, a satisfied grin on his features. This was better. More fitting. Besides him, the teenager was grinning. His smile was what differentiated him from his father. When Dib's smile always had a manic and ecstatic edge to it, his son smiled with warmth and happiness. Zim thought it was weird.
'Thanks' muttered the teenager. 'I think he would have appreciated it.'
'Not really' scoffed the Invader. 'He was an ungrateful little whiny thing.'
'That's what aunt Gaz keeps saying' snorted the teenager.
Zim looked around, a little bit lost. The town houses could be seen outside the cemetery, cars and people could be heard distantly. Suddenly, his invading ambitions didn't seem that appealing anymore. What would be the point of it, if the Dib was not there to make it interesting?
He silently took off his wig and his contacts. Dib's son stared at him with wonder.
'Whoa…' he muttered. 'I've never… I've seen pictures of you, but never without your disguise…'
'Of course not' replied the Invader. 'He never managed to take any.'
He deposited the pieces of his costume on the grass, next to Dib's tombstone.
'I will go back home, then' muttered the Invader.
'…Zim? Thanks for coming back' muttered the teenager. 'I'm sorry you missed him, but… he would have been glad to see you again.'
'I doubt it, Dib-clone. We hated each other.'
The human smiled at that, an enigmatic smile that seemed to, ironically, sadden his entire being.
'My dad… didn't hate you anymore. I know.'
'Oh? And how can you be so sure of that, Dib-progeny?' asked the Invader with a raised antenna.
'I've known all my life' answered the teenager with a smile. 'My name… is Zackary Isaac Membrane…'
Zim stared for a moment, unable to find what to answer to that. Zack, still smiling, extended a hand.
'I was glad to finally meet you, Zim.'
The alien nodded, shaking the offered hand. He didn't thank the human, it was not in his nature. But his civil attitude was enough for the teenager that grew up learning about this particular alien.
Zack walked away, hands in his pockets. Zim watched him, repeating the words "Zackary Isaac Membrane" in his mind, again and again, not understanding what had possessed the Dib to give such a… meaningful name to his son.
He patted the tombstone as a last goodbye and walked away. GIR trailed after him. The stars were calling him back. Six months from here to Irk would be enough to think about it all.
Tempus Fugit, went a human saying. At first, he had wondered what fudge had to do with anything, but now he knew what it meant. Time goes away faster than a piece of chocolate fudge. He had never found a human saying so right before.
The End
AN: And we're done, yay! Now that wasn't so bad, was it?
Some notes:
Our galaxy's name IS Galaxy (with a capital G) and NOT Milky Way. The Milky Way is what you can see of it from Earth.
"Spiral left arm of the galaxy" is taken directly from The Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy".
I don't know if Zack if a natural conceived child or an experiment, as Dib was. I didn't want to go too deep into Dib's life, because, lets be frank, Zim wouldn't care. That's why I choose not to mention a partner, a job, a cause of death, and if he ever got the recognition he wanted. You fill the gaps.
Yeah, I made Gaz fat. A lifetime of videogames and pizza would do that to anyone, even her.
"Tempus Fugit : Time is fudge" comes from a play I participated in years ago. The chorus (I was part of it) had to translate some slang to a British guy, but I think the chorus never quite got latin...