It was a lovely morning on Earth. There was a light, warm breeze from the ocean and the sun was just rising. It cast its warm, glowing rays upon the still sleeping town of Russell, New Zealand. The birds were singing and far from the town itself, on a cliff which was looking out over the ocean, sat a lone woman. Next to her was a thermos filled with tea and in her lap was a pistol.
Shepard had moved to Russell pretty much right after she was released form hospital she had awoke in after firing the Crucible. It had been touch-and-go, the doctors had said, but she was alive and was going to be fine. The doctor had said it with such a happy tone in his voice, like it was something to be happy about. In the beginning, Shepard had thought it was. That she had been given a second chance.
But now, she knew better. Every night when she tried to sleep, she was back on the Citadel, with the Catalyst, making the decision. She had been so certain when she decided to end all synthetics, that it was the right way. But was it? The Mass Relays had been destroyed and it had taken such a long time to rebuild them. It had taken two and a half years to rebuild them. It was first now, three years after the reaper war that the species could once again travel in space like they had before.
And it was all Shepard's fault.
She kept seeing Legion in her dreams, and EDI. Two synthetics she had cared greatly for and even though one of them had died before she activated the Crucible, it had stilled made her wonder. What if other synthetics had been like them? What if she had killed a whole race of sentient beings with just a few bullets? She couldn't do it when she faced the Rachni queen, but she could on the Citadel.
Letting out a deep sigh, Shepard filled the cup she had brought with tea and blew on the liquid before taking a sip.
It was years since she had spoken to anyone from the Normandy. They had all moved on. At least she assumed they had moved on. Some of them sent a message from time to time, but she ignored them completely. It was the preparation for what she was about to do. If they assumed she didn't want anything to do with them, it was less likely that they'd notice when she was gone. They'd be able to move on with their lives without having to grieve or blame themselves for not being there for her, or some shit like that.
She had been planning this for a while now, at least a few months. She had been going downhill for three years. The thoughts of suicide had always been there, but they had been in the back of her mind. Now, they were louder than every other thought, constantly screaming at her to take her life, to end this nightmare. Because it was a nightmare. No matter how bright the sun was, it was dark for Shepard.
Today, she was going to do it. After watching the sun rise, listening to the birds' songs and finishing the tea, she would put the gun in her mouth and pull the trigger. No one knew where she was, no one was going to find her. She was going to die without anyone knowing. It was how she preferred this to end.
Refilling her cup, she caught sight of a few seals playing in the water just beneath the cliff. A smile spread over her face. They were so carefree. They didn't care about what went on in the world, they lived in the moment. She envied them.
Tilting her head upwards, she looked at the pale blue sky. Some stars were still visible, but faded quickly as the sun rose. So much of her life had been spent among those stars. A better time, a happier time. The time on-board the Normandy had been the best of her life. They had been a family, the closest thing to a family Shepard had ever had. But, all good things had to come to an end.
"There you are." A breathless voice came from behind her and nearly caused her to fall off the cliff.
Panting slightly, Garrus Vakarian, of all people, appeared on the cliff, just behind her. He was dressed in casual clothing, instead of armour. The scar on the side of his face had faded even more, but it was still noticeable. It seemed like he hadn't aged a day since they last saw each other.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Shepard said, her voice a bit harder than she had intended it to be.
"It's nice to see you too." Garrus' eyes went from the gun in her lap, to her face. "It's not easy to track you down."
Shepard knew he knew why she was there. Why else would he go through the trouble of tracking her down? After almost two years of no contact, he chose this moment, of all moments, to show up. This was more than a friendly visit. He took a seat next to her on the cliff, allowing his legs to dangle over the edge.
"What are you doing here?" Shepard repeated, her voice a bit calmer this time.
"Visiting an old friend. If you'd bothered to check your terminal, you'd know I was coming."
"So, you stopped by here before going to your friend?" Shepard asked and kept her eyes fixed on the horizon.
"You know what I meant." She could feel Garrus' eyes on her, urging her to look at him.
Shepard wasn't going to look at him. She was worried he'd see the pain in her eyes, the suffering. He did not need to see that. Garrus was her best friend, but she didn't want him there in that moment. She needed to be alone, to go through with what she had planned.
"How are things?" Garrus asked and looked away.
"Fine." Shepard lied. "Nothing much to report. How about you?"
Perhaps if she kept up this small-talk for a while, she'd be able to convince him to leave. Though, she doubted that.
"Things are great." He said and Shepard could hear on his voice that he was smiling. "I've met woman and we're planning on moving in together."
"That's great, Garrus." Shepard's voice was sincere. She was happy for her friend, he deserved to find someone who loved him. "Really. I'm happy for you."
"Thank you." Garrus' voice was now more serious again.
A silence spread between them, neither of them could think of anything to say. In order to occupy herself with something, Shepard took a long sip of the tea that had now started to get cold. She sneaked a looked at Garrus. The Turian was staring out over the sea, supporting himself on his hands. He seemed to be bracing himself for something.
"Shepard..." He said eventually and now it was his turn to keep his gaze fixed on the horizon. "I know why you're here."
"Yes, this is a very nice place to have breakfast and contemplate life." She mumbled, picking at a loose thread on her trousers.
A deep sigh came from Garrus and he rubbed his neck.
"Please, Shepard. I want to help you. We want to help you."
Shepard raised an eyebrow and tilted her head.
"We?"
"Mm. Tali, Liara and Kaiden are back at your place. We've all been out looking for you." He looked over at her, his eyes filled with worry. "When we couldn't find you... We thought we were too late."
The pain in Garrus' eyes along with the fact that took Shepard aback. They'd been looking out for her? How? She hadn't spoken to either of them in quite some time. As if Garrus could read her mind, he answered the question before she could ask it.
"We might have bugged your house in order to make sure you didn't do anything stupid." He gestured towards the gun. "Such as this."
"Wait, wait, wait." Shepard held up her hands. "You've been bugging my house without my knowledge? What the fuck?"
Garrus crossed his arms over his chest and gave Shepard a very hard look.
"Is it so hard to understand that we worry and care about you?"
"Yes!" Shepard said and looked away, biting the inside of her cheek. "The war has been over for a long time now. The Normandy is no more. We've gone our separate ways and moved on. I thought the crew would be better about not living in the past."
Much to her embarrassment, Shepard felt tears well up in her eyes and she averted her gaze to once again stare out over the ocean. She hadn't talked to anyone about her feelings in a long, long time. To be honest, she hadn't spoken to anyone about anything, if one didn't count the cashier at the grocery store.
"You've got to be kidding me." There was genuine surprise in Garrus' voice. "We were more than a crew. We were a family, a tight-knit group of friends. Those things don't disappear because the ship does."
Silent tears started to roll down Shepard's cheeks. Why she wasn't crying, she didn't really know.
"When we thought you'd died..." Garrus' voice faltered a bit. "We were devastated, heartbroken. There are no words to describe how it felt. Then, Hackett contacted us and told us you were alive. In a bad way, but alive."
"I should have died." Shepard said, her voice low and grim. "I should have died. If I had died, I wouldn't have to be trapped in this nightmare."
Garrus inched closer and grabbed the thermos. He took the empty cup from Shepard and refilled it. After doing this, he handed it back to Shepard. As Shepard took the cup, he grabbed the gun and took it, placing it next to him on the ground.
"Talk to me." He urged, his voice soft. "Let it out."
More tears started falling from Shepard's eyes and she took a big gulp of tea to steady her nerves. Emotional talks had never been her thing. She was a soldier through and through. All of her life, she had been repressing her emotions. But now, she couldn't anymore. She felt like she was about to explode.
"I see them every night, Garrus." She whispered. "Mordin. Anderson. Legion. Miranda. Thane. Cortez. EDI. There must have been something I could have done to save them. It's my fault they died. If I had been quicker with figuring out that the Citadel was the Catalyst. If I hadn't let Cerberus get the upper hand..."
"You can't blame yourself for all of that." Garrus said softly, moving the gun even further away from Shepard. "It's war. People die. It's sad, but it's the truth. You saved everyone else. You saved this."
He gestured towards the blue sea, the seals that were playing in the water, the singing birds, the sun that was rising. As they sat and watched, a whale breached the surface.
"No one would be able to enjoy these sights today, if it wasn't for you." Garrus smiled at his friend. "You saved the Galaxy."
"Anyone could have done it." Shepard muttered as more tears started running down her cheeks.
A quiet sob came from her and she wiped her sleeve over her cheeks in an attempt to wipe the tears away. But it was already obvious that she had cried. And just as she had wiped the tears away, new ones started rolling down her cheeks.
"Stop it, Shepard." Garrus' voice was now stern. "Stop minimising what you did. You're a hero."
Shepard didn't really have anything to say to that. Instead, she stayed quiet and continued wiping the seemingly endless stream of tears away. Everything had been such a mess for such a long time. She had been bottling up her emotions, keeping them tucked away in the back of her mind. Now, everything seemed to be washing over at the same time.
"I'm such a wreck, Garrus." Shepard sobbed, hiding her face in her hands. "I can't sleep, I can't eat. I can't function. I haven't talked to anyone in ages. I... I just want this nightmare to end."
Without answering, Garrus moved closer to Shepard and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. They sat like that for a long time. Shepard silently sobbing and Garrus just holding her.
"It's okay, Shepard." The Turian eventually said and gave Shepard's shoulders a squeeze. "It's okay to feel like this. But you don't have to be alone. We can help you. But only if you let us."
More strangled sobs came from Shepard and she kept her gaze firmly fixed on the ground. The tears continued running and she had given up on trying to wipe them away. After a few quiet moments, she just nodded. A low sigh of relief came from Garrus.
"Thank you." He said and she leaned her head against his shoulder. "It'll be okay, Shep. Let's get you back home. Kaiden said something about making pancakes."
A short, sad laugh came from Shepard and she shook her head.
"Kaiden can't cook to save his life."
"I know." Garrus said. "I think Liara brought some backup sandwiches."
Garrus grabbed the gun and got up. He placed the thermos and the cup in the backpack Shepard had brought with her. Then, he helped Shepard off the grass and pulled her into a hug. Shepard leaned her forehead against his chest and her tears soon created a wet spot on his shirt.
Perhaps, things would be okay, she thought to herself as Garrus let her go and they started making their way down the cliff. It would take him and it would be difficult, but maybe, things would be okay. She wiped her hand over her face and took a few deep breaths to calm herself as they reached the bottom of the small hill.
"Liara." Garrus said and held his hand against the side of his head. "I have her and we're on our way back. She's fine-" He glanced over at Shepard. "Physically, at least."